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AlterEgo1629 — Uriel
Published: 2010-04-23 17:58:12 +0000 UTC; Views: 719; Favourites: 9; Downloads: 11
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Description
I feel you in my bones,my marrow cries out,
missing the pressure
on the curve of my vertebrae.
Arched, I grasp for
the edge of my sanity.
Carousel of cartilage,
my neck swings round and round,
eyes unsearching, focused on
a flicker in time.
I swear I saw you a second ago
Anachronistic appearance
amidst a sea of faces,
bursting past blue lockers and broken gossip
I race to reach you,
only to be cornered by reality.
In dire need of
a deus ex machina,
to rescue me from this
phantom love syndrome,
for it feels like my heart still resides
in the crater left from loving you.
I swear your mouth was there a moment ago
Lips, the lunar exploring of
your star-dusted surface.
You cannot have come into existence on this earth.
You were born among
burning galaxies and
live along Halley's comet,
for it seems like a lifetime
since you singed my skies.
Maybe I missed you
whilst counting constellations,
absorbed in the abundance of
lack-luster lights,
leaving me longing because
no one burns as bright as you.
Billowing black dissolves to
clear consciousness as
dawn drapes across my pillow.
I swear you exhaled an instant ago.
Your heartbeat, the
steadiest sound,
a perfection of
iambic rhythm that
the heavens could not
have composed.
Their harps and hallelujahs
unheard in the company of your chest,
drowned out by your divine cadence.
All I want is to hear your song again.
Copyright © 2010-2011 LYNETTE EMERY. All rights reserved.
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Comments: 35
You have beautiful imagery with the "curve of my vertebrae", and I like your alliterations "carousel of cartilage", "harps and hallelujahs". Your expressive and ethereal tone really comes into its own with lines like "billowing black dissolves to/ clear consciousness as/ dawn drapes across my pillow". You keep this tone flowing well throughout your work. When the vision teeters on losing focus, your italicised lines help to bring it back, slowing the pace down just enough to let us breathe, before plunging into the sea of metaphors and imagery once more.
Writing a fairly long, descriptive poem like this requires skill to keep the narrative fresh. Writing about love and separation can become very cliche, but you've managed to include some very interesting descriptions to overcome these obstacles, and I really felt the emotion you poured into your work.
I don't know whether the final lines read better as "unheard in the company of your chest" and "drowned out by your divine cadence" (i.e.: without the line breaks); whilst it doesn't detract from the overall poem, perhaps the final lines would flow better without the breaks? Removing the breaks would link the two attributions of "your chest" and "your divine cadence". I see that the breaks help the lines to fit with the rest of the structure of the poem though, so I think I understand your reasoning for this formatting. The beauty is still present in the words too.
Overall, you've produced a poem full of beautiful imagery and deeply moving metaphors; your tone is so exquisitely wrought throughout that one cannot help but be left amazed by the end.
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Thank you for the thorough critique! I agree with your recommendation on the final lines; I have been torn about changing them for quite a while. I appreciate your attention to pace and the overall feel of the piece, as well as delving into the individual details and lines. Once more, thank you!
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Ah, I'm glad you agree with me! You're most welcome for the critique too 
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Wow. It starts at breakneck pace and doesn't. ever. stop.
It's beautifully written; both your imagery and word choice are kind of fantastic. And everything gets across your absolute longing.
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Thank you so much for that amazing comment. This piece means a lot to me, and hearing that makes it even more special. I am so glad you think that of it.
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You're very welcome. ^^
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Wow very good, I like the expressions of this poem. You did a great job of making us feel the person's loss and yearning! Really good.
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I am glad you could feel it. Thank you for the comment (:
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no problem my pleasure.
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Beautiful. The gentle flow it has makes you read slowly, every word.
It's amazing, sweet and with a bit of sorrow. . . longing does that to you to no end...
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Thank you for your kind words (:
Yes, yes it does.
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Wow, stunning poem. I like the overall theme. What's the title mean?
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The title is the name of the muse.
Thank you
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Oh! Well, that's neat. Good job!
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Welcome, you're awesome as always!
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the first four lines are fantastic.
I feel like the bolded sentences could have been left out, though...it just feels like a cheap teenage trick at this point; so overused.
the fact that you use an extensive vocabulary, and yet seem to understand what the words MEAN, is something I appreciate. xD
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Thank you.
I know they feel like that, but I love them. When I read it aloud they are the lines I say louder and with emphasis. I do tend to overuse, I know.
To use a word without understanding its meaning, is a crime to me. I'm happy you commented on the vocabulary
I appreciate your time taken to read my piece and share your views.
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a poet can use style and craft to suggest to the reader where emphasis should go. before the invention of font styles, what did people do? xD
it's ultimately up to you as the writer, I was just letting you know that, was I not watching you and had instead come across your piece in one of my groups or on the main site page, I would have skipped over finishing or critiquing it just on the basis of the bold lines. font styling (except in visual poetry,) d.o.t.t.i.n.g o.u.t w.o.r.d.s, and [putting] random things in {brackets} all the (time) are kind of cop-out devices, IMHO.
if you really really really feel that emphasis is necessary, why not italicize? that's a touch more sophisticated.
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You have a point
I have an opposite opinion, I love pieces with the things you listed in them. They do seem a little like a cop-out in certain cases, but I see them as expressing to the fullest and being creative. Being able to express things through words and not font is a greater skill though, and I acknowledge that when I am reading pieces. I enjoy hearing your opinion.
I italicized other lines, that I wanted to sound like a whisper. That is why I did not italicize the bolded ones. I guess it's a bit aesthetically pleasing to me, to see the different fonts.
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guess I've just seen those gimmicks used once too often by twelve-year-olds with dripping mascara writing about the brooding boy who sits behind them in algebra class. xD
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I am so glad I do not fit that description in real life xD I guess I haven't seen or used them enough to get tired of them yet. I imagine one day I will grow out of the gimmicks, or at least I hope.
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eh, it's up to you. you're the artist here. xD
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Oh my god. Wow.
AE, this is absolutely amazing. The rhythm and word use is brilliant <3
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A comment like that is far and few.
I love this piece, and I am so glad you are giving it such great feedback.
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This is very beautiful, I love the words you have used and I adore your use of imagery. Great work
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I am glad you like the vocabulary
Thank you so much
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I agree with spicybasil, he is very lucky indeed. Lucky that he has someone as talented as you to love him.
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Thank you for the compliment
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This is beautiful!!
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Thank you (:
Your comment is muchly appreciated
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