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Friends after all - Dean Winchester x Reader - Chapter 34 - The End
“It was Dean, he was in a car accident. He’s at the hospital (Y/n).”
The words kept swimming in your mind, Sam’s voice echoing inside your head, as you took step after step. You looked like you would pass out any given moment and you honestly didn’t feel any much better. If you even felt anything after this. You were literally numb on the inside, feeling dull. Your head felt so light as if you had lost all of your abilities to think of anything in general. And then there was that pain at the back and front of your head that made you squint your eyes. You literally dragged your feet, your head bowed down all the time as you gripped onto Sam’s arm.
It didn’t take much for both you and him to each your destination. You took in a breath but it was shaky. You clenched your jaw and gripped onto Sam’s arm. His eyes casted down at you- his red eyes that matched yours. He tried to give you a smile but failed miserably. He moved his arms to wrap them around you, giving you a squeeze. Your hands gripped his jacket tightly in your fists as even more tears rolled down your cheeks, just when you thought you were dry there they were.
A small sob left your lips despite how you clenched your teeth. All you wanted to do was bury your face in Sam’s chest and cry for hours- wait you had already done that when you found out the truth. A trembling sigh left Sam’s lips as he pressed a kiss on your forehead, soon pursing his lips to keep his sobs at bay. He rested his forehead on the side of your head before his eyes casted down at… the tombstone.
The light breeze made goosebumps form all over your skin, making you feel something for the first time in days after that dreadful night. It still made you wonder how you could still walk, hell even stand. But for that maybe you had to thank Sam for his support. You had been clinging onto each other for dear life these days, the both of you acting like walking dead. After you had tried to keep him from drowning himself in alcohol you had tried to pull yourself from the abyss you were falling in after… his death.
The pain could not compare to anything you’d ever felt before and at that moment you wished so bad he was alive and going out with whatever whore he wanted instead of… this. You brushed away the tears and clenched your teeth. You weren’t going to break, not now and not when Mary was standing right next to you. You glanced up at Sam to see his eyes were watery and slightly red but he was keeping himself from crying for probably the same reason.
You sniffled, letting your one hand move from Sam to the little girl’s head. She still couldn’t comprehend what was happening but at least after all the tears she’d shed she wasn’t crying anymore. She held some flowers in her tiny hands and slowly took a few steps forward to place them down next to the ones you had brought a few days ago. When she had asked you just yesterday she wanted to visit her father you and Sam had both stiffened. But just taking a look into her big green eyes that were identical to her father’s you found yourselves unable to say no to her.
“I miss you daddy.” she whispered and you bit your lower lip.
Sam slowly let you go as you walked closer to Mary and picked her up, her tiny arms wrapping around your neck. Your eyes casted down at the tombstone. You hugged Mary as close to yourself as you could and a few seconds later you felt a hand on your back and Sam pressing you to his side. You glanced at him to see his jaw slightly clenched , probably to keep himself from crying. He brought his hand to his lips and pressed a kiss before touching the stone.
“We all miss you.” he breathed out as all of you glanced at the words in the stone.
Dean Winchester
In memory of a loving father,
best friend and brother.
You didn’t dare look anymore, instead hugged Mary close to you and buried your face in the crook of her neck, her doing the same as Sam wrapped his arm more tightly around you because this was all you both had left anymore.
No Dean. Never any Dean to be there for you, Sam or Mary, or anybody else for that matter. And still after everything seemed to be over you couldn’t stop thinking about it. How had this happened? Why had this happened? A part of you believed it had to do with you and what had happened in Mary’s birthday. That Dean had actually-
~*~
“(Y/n)?” it was… Castiel’s voice?
“(Y/n)!” a shake on your shoulder made your eyes snap open, only to find yourself right where you had in reality left yourself. The hospital.
“Wh-what?” you whispered, looking around a little frantically, the hallway was empty save for you and Cas.
“You were… crying, in your sleep.” he whispered and only then did you realize the tears on your cheeks.
You brushed them away hastily “Sorry.” you mumbled “I fell asleep on you.”
“It’s alright.” he gave you a soft smile “Only now did you start leaning over me. For most part it was Sam and then the wall.” he shrugged.
“Where-” you soothed down your hair “Where is Sam?”
Castiel didn’t say anything. He merely smiled and nodded with his head towards Dean’s room. Your eyes widened as you immediately caught what he was saying.
“We can see him?” you breathed out and he nodded his head.
“Cas! Why didn’t you wake me then!?” you could hardly keep yourself, especially after such a dream where the worst had happened and it had also felt so real.
“(Y/n) you didn’t sleep at all, all night ever since we came. You needed some rest and Sam insisted on letting me get you some shut eye.” he explained with a somewhat apologetic look.
You sighed, looking down at the trenchcoat in your hands. He had so kindly let you use it as a blanket obviously. It was true you hadn’t slept much, the moment Sam had called you both you and Castiel were on your feet and rushing to his car to drive to the hospital.
-Flashback-
“Where is he? Where do they have him? What happened to him? Is he alive?! Sam answer me!” you kept bombarding him with questions as you found yourself out of breath after having run to find him, luckily that didn’t take long as he was right in front of Dean’s room. You were in such panic and fear you could barely control yourself, tears had welled up in your eyes as you were scared to face your worst fear.
“(Y/n), no hey. (Y/n)! Please.” his voice cracked as he grabbed onto your shoulders, squeezing you tightly to make you calm down. Your eyes almost widened as you took him in.
Only then did you take his state. His eyes were red and puffy from crying. His cheeks were tear stained and his hair a mess as he’d been running his hands through them. He was breathing in and out heavily and to say he was a wreck would be an understatement.
“Sam” your voice trembled, sobs leaving your lips as a tear rolled down your cheek “Plase tell me he’s alive” you begged, your voice cracking as your hands began to shake. Your knees were on the verge of giving away as you held your breath. Your lungs were burning as you waited for an answer from Sam. But the state he was in didn’t give you much hope.
“(Y/n)” he started speaking, his voice trembling and you felt your heart leap to your throat.
“No, no no please God no.” you choked out, you heart feeling so tight inside your chest “Sam no.” sobs started to shake your body but Sam gave you a squeeze.
“No, no (Y/n) please calm down.” he let out shakily, his own hands shaking and his eyes filled with tears as he looked at you.
You clenched his jacket in your fists as your legs felt like they were about to give away. Your head felt so light you were almost on the verge of passing out. You squeezed your eyes shut, Sam holding you tightly from your arms as he rested your head on his shoulder.
“No, baby please- please calm down. (Y/n)-” he breathed out, cupping your face and making you look at him “(Y/n), baby please look at me.” he whispered in such a broken way you couldn’t help yourself but open your eyes.
You bit on your lower lip so hard you could almost draw blood. A small whimper left your lips as a tear rolled down, your vision all this time blurry. He wiped away the tear before resting his forehead against yours.
“It’s alright, baby. Everything is alright.” he whispered.
“Wh-what?” you stuttered “Dean is-”
He gave you a weak nod so slowly he almost scared you to death “Ye-yeah he is alive.” he gave you a small smile as a trembling sigh left your lips and yours formed into a broken smile “He is alive baby and just fine. Don’t worry.” he reassured you.
“Ho-how, what happened?” you breathed out, wiping the rest of the tears that had spilled.
Sam cleared his throat “He- he is fine yes but- but he lost lots of blood (Y/n) and the doctors are worried.” he breathed out the truth.
“No” you breathed out with a shake of your head, taking a deep breath in “No, he will be fine. I know it, he’s a Winchester.” you swallowed thickly, stilling yourself.
“Y-Yeah he will.” he nodded his head slowly, swallowing the lump in his throat “I- I am going to give some blood and everything will- it will hopefully be alright.”
“What- what happened to him? How did this happen?” you felt Sam stiffen at your words but you decided to ignore it.
“He- he was driving (Y/n), wasn’t careful and- you know how this things happen. He’d been drinking some too. He-” he let a small sigh, sniffling and running a hand through his hair “-He broke up with Lisa, she mostly broke up with him. She had just gathered her things after the party was over last night and uh- left completely. Seems like he- he couldn’t take it so yeah.”
“What about Mary?” you whispered, not being able to keep your eyes from casting on Dean’s window. You felt your heart tighten inside your chest as you took in the sight of him laying on that hospital bed with his eyes closed and all types of machinery around him. A doctor and a nurse were inside, checking on him and you had to painfully tear your eyes away from the sight to not cry at how broken and weak he looked.
“He- he dropped her at mom’s this morning, obviously not saying a thing to her though.” he sighed, his eyes too moving on Dean’s room.
“I- I can’t believe this is happening.” you wrapped your arms around yourself as Castiel came to stand next to you, giving Sam a small smile.
“Hello Sam.”
“Hey Cas.” he replied shortly, the both of them sharing a look you could not understand.
“I told him so many times to not drive while drunk.” you pursed your lips with a shake of his head.
“Yeah but he never listens.” Sam shrugged, stuffing his arms in his jeans pockets “Stubborn to the bone. Willing to have it his way because he thinks he knows everything.” he shook his head with a sigh “Even willing to hurt himself for the others’ sake.” he mumbled and you frowned for a second.
You bit your lower lip, hesitating for a second “How- how are you Sam?” you whispered.
He gave you a soft smile but there was some bitterness to it “Have no idea anymore.” he mumbled with a sigh “I just wish he is alright.” his eyes sneaked on the window of Dean’s room once more, sadness washing over his face.
“He’s going to be.” you nodded your head, trying to convince not only him but yourself as well “He is a Winchester.” you placed a hand on his shoulder and his head turned back to yours, his eyes locking with yours. You slid down your arm to hold his and he gave you a squeeze. You shared a look for quiet long, your eyes locked all the while as his gaze warmed your heart.
“Is he going to wake up soon?” Cas asked with a tilt of his head.
Sam shook his own, tearing his eyes from yours “The doctors said that they cannot be sure. We will only have to wait and see.”
“Does he- does he have any broken parts or- or something?”
“He was somewhat lucky. Only a few broken ribs, lots of bruises and some scars because of the broken glass. He’s got a broken leg too but that’s about it. However the doctors said that- Even after the blood transfusion they don’t know when he will wake up and if any parts of his brain have been damaged and that’s what’s scaring them. We will only have to wait to see.” he pressed his lips in a thin line and you nodded your head, feeling a shaky sigh leave your lips.
You let your eyes cast down on the white floor, feeling the tears threaten to spill. Up until the moment you had arrived to the hospital you were going crazy with all the possible scenarios running through your mind. Not being with Dean was one thing and so was the pain but losing him for good, never again able to hear his voice the pain with that was a whole different thing. You didn’t know how you’d be able to keep going after that. Castiel had luckily been good at easing your nerves but not completely. And the fact that he was driving so fast just made your nerves ten times worse.
You found yourself shaking slightly and Sam was quick to notice. He brought a hand up on your shoulder and squeezed it. You gave him a weak smile and reluctantly took a step closer to him and brought your arms around him to hug him. Sam hesitated for a second before he in the end squeezed you in his arms in a way that he’d never had done before. You buried your face in his chest, not daring to look at the window of Dean’s room. Sam buried his face in your hair, kissing your head softly but shutting his eyes tightly for a moment.
“Come on, let’s sit. It’s going to be a long night.” he whispered, his arms still around you as he guided you to sit next to him on the small row of chairs that were there. Castiel sitting on the one next to you.
For most night you and Sam stood there like that, save for about ten minutes when he doctor came out. But he told you you couldn’t see Dean so you were back to your previous positions. You only let yourself be put at ease from your worry as well as guilt by being in his arms as his fingers rubbed soothing circles over your skin. It was after a long while, and despite many coffees, that you found yourself drifting into sleep in Sam’s arms, his soothing heartbeat lulling you slowly but surely.
-End of Flashback-
“You’re right, I’m sorry Cas.” you whispered, your eyes shifting nervously between him and Dean’s room.
“When- when did he wake up?” you asked in a whisper and he gave you a soft smile.
“It has been about half an hour ago. But you do not have to worry, everything is fine. Nothing bad happened.” he rubbed your arm and you let a small sigh, resting your head against the wall.
“Did the doctor check up on him?” you whispered and he nodded his head.
“Everything is just fine, he said that with such a fast pace of healing he will be out in a few days too.”
A shaky sigh left your lips as you smiled “I was scared that he’d be worse and-” you pursed your lips shaking his head.
“I- I need to see him Cas.” you whispered but he held your hand before you could rush to Dean’s side.
“(Y/n) wait a second.” he gave you a look that made you frown “Sam is in there. They both are, you need to be careful.”
“You don’t have to remind me Cas” you sighed “I’ve been hiding things for years, this will not be something new.” you pursed your lips.
“I am not talking about that, I know you won’t let anything show of what has happened with Dean.” he gave you a soft smile that only made you frown more.
“What is it Cas?”
“You’ve made your decision.” he gave you a smile and this time you avoided eye-contact.
“Cas the situation is far too complicated for me to just make a decision.” you mumbled, fidgeting with your hands.
“Yes but you have nonetheless, and I think you know it too. And (Y/n) I know that you are in love with him. I can see it, crystal clear. Now you just have to tell the other the truth.”
“How can I just say such a thing Cas?” you choked out, burying your face in your hands; for the first time not denying anything.
“You will have to. I know you can, all you need to do is have a talk with him. Let him know the truth, he will understand in the end (Y/n). Because he cares about you. He will respect your decision. You don’t love him, not as much as you love… well, you know who.” he gave you a soft smirk that actually made you giggle.
“I would seriously be lost without you Cassie.” you gave his hand a squeeze and he kissed your forehead.
“We all would be lost without you too.” he shrugged “Now go, I am going to grab some coffee and hope to find pie for Dean. I don’t think he will be very pleased with the hospital food anyway.” he mumbled and you nodded your head.
“Sure Cas.” you both got up as you handed him his trenchcoat and he wore it.
“(Y/n)?” he asked before you could turn and walk away.
“Hm?” you raised an eyebrow.
“It is the right decision.” he gave you a smile and you nodded your head.
“I hope so.” you breathed out.
~*~
“No Dean, you listen to me. What you did-” it was Sam’s voice but as soon as you opened the door he stopped and pursed his lips in a thin line. You saw Dean shift uncomfortably in his bed and you gave them an apologetic smile.
“Sorry, did I interrupt?” you mumbled but Sam was fast to shake his head.
“No, not at all.” he gave you a smile “Dean and I were just talking about how stupid he was to drive while drunk.” he gave his brother a glare but for some reason Dean avoided eye-contact. Maybe you knew what that reason all too well.
“Yeah which is why I am going to kick his ass the second he gets a little better.” you gave him a look, crossing your arms over your chest.
“Get in line.” he mumbled and you gave him a harder glare.
“You got us sick worried and that’s all you have to say?” you looked at him with disbelief “Are you crazy Winchester? What the hell’s gotten into you?!”
“(Y/n)” it was Sam that let out a sigh as he placed a hand on top of your shoulder “It was just an accident.”
“Accident or not he is responsible for it too. Do you even think what would happen to us if you didn’t make it out of there?” you hissed at the older man once more but he only pursed his lips and looked away from you.
“(Y/n) enough, it’s ok. He’s fine now, that’s- that’s all that matters.” Sam swallowed thickly before he took hold of your hand and pulled you a little bit away from Dean.
“Look I know you got worried but (Y/n)- it’s not his fault. None of it.” for a second you thought he wasn’t talking about the car accident “Calm down please. He and I have talked it out and I promise everything is… alright.” he gave you a reassuring smile that actually made you frown more.
“Sam what are you-”
But he cut you off “You and him need to talk it out too. I’ll leave you alone for now and go find Cas. I really need a coffeeright now anyway.” he ran a hand down his face and you pursed your lips, looking down.
“Sam” you whispered before looking up at him “What’s going on?” the look on your face was dead serious.
He gave you a small smile and shake of his head “Nothing, don’t sweat it. Dean is fine too, so we don’t have to worry. That’s all that matters right?”
“I- yeah.” you breathed out and he gave you a smile.
You wanted to question this, you need to but no words came out of your lips as he leaned down and pressed his lips on your forehead in a small kiss “I love you” he whispered.
You let a small breath “Love you too.” you mumbled.
He gave you one last smile before making his way to the door “I’m going to call mom and dad and tell them everything is alright, they don’t know about the accident but they got worried the way you dropped Mary off to them.” he told Dean who merely nodded his head.
“Yeah. Sure.” his voice was more hoarse han usual and it made you frown.
Sam let a small sigh glancing your way for a second “She’s going to ask, though, and I cannot lie to her about it. She’ll want to see you too.”
“Sure, Sam. Just do whatever you want, doesn’t matter.” he mumbled.
Sam shared a look with Dean before he was out of the room with a sigh and left the two of you alone. Your eyes followed him through the window and he stopped for a second, glancing your way only to have his eyes lock with yours. You gave him a smile which, as much as it surprised you, he returned before he was completely gone. And you turned to look at Dean, lips in a thin line.
“Mind explaining?” you said the words sharply, giving him a glare.
“It was an accident (Y/n), what do I have to say.” he still avoided eye-contact with you.
“I am not talking about that, Dean. I know it was an accident very well. What I am asking is why you went and got drunk off your ass and on top of that went to drive.” you crossed your arms over your chest and he sighed, finally looking into your eyes.
“Do I need any more reason than what has already happened?” he clenched his jaw and this time you were the one to let out a sigh.
Your hands dropped as you slowly walked towards his bed “Dean.” you whispered, sitting next to him. You hesitated but placed a hand on top of his.
“It’s all my fault.” he breathed out, his head falling back on the pillows.
“Hey” you said softly, cupping his cheek with your other hand “Stop saying that, alright? Stop it now.”
“He loves you. He said he loves you.” he breathed out his eyes holding your gaze.
This time you averted yours “We are not going to talk about that now, or here.”
“Then when huh?” his voice was thick “When if not after I fucked my brother’s fiance?” the disgust in his voice was directed to himself, and only himself.
“Shut up.” you growled your voice laced with anger “Just shut the fuck up. One, I am not his fiance and you know it. And two, you know that what happened between us was much… much more than just- that.” you made a face “We made love and I am not regretting that.”
A small smile formed on his lips, a nostalgic feeling flashing through his eyes but it was covered by sadness “And where did that get us huh? Where did all this love get us (Y/n)?”
“What are you talking about? You mean you- you mean you regret it?” you pulled your hand away from him, your eyes going wide.
But he pursed his lips, shaking his head “I’m afraid not sweetheart. I love you too much to even think of that.” he placed his own hand on top of yours again.
“Then what?” your voice was hoarse “Is this because of Lisa?” somehow you knew it had to do with her and what she’d probably said to him had set everything off.
“You don’t want to know the things she said.” he pursed his lips.
Your own eyes casted down “Let me guess, she called me a slut more times than you can count huh?” you saidhumorlessly and he squeezed your hand.
“I would never let her but-”
“The fact stands.” you sighed “I slept with my boyfriend’s brother behind his back. That would be of the least she could call me.” you pursed your lips.
“I ain’t no saint either and you know it.” he said firmly “You have no idea- you have no freaking idea how much I hated myself and still do. What I did-”
“We did. We did it, Dean. You were not alone there and you didn’t force yourself on me, you hear me? It happened because we both wanted it. I wanted it.” you squeezed his hand, trying to emphasize.
“Yes but- he is my brother, (Y/n).” he breathed out “I will never be able to forgive myself for what I- we did.” he rubbed his thumb over your palm.
“And the fact that I enjoyed the hell out of it.” he breathed out, his eyes meeting yours and you had to take in a sharp breath as how intense his gaze was.
“We both did.” you whispered “We couldn’t help it, we needed it more than we could realize.” you looked down at your hands.
“Yes but I- I am to blame (Y/n) and I hate myself so bad for- for still wanting this. You. All to me. Because I do, so so bad.” he breathed out, his hand slowly rising up to cup your cheek. You let a small sigh nuzzling your face into his palm as you let yourself enjoy the warmth it offered.
“I’m such a damn awful person.” he breathed out, rubbing his thumb over your cheek “Why do I have to love you so much? Why must you belong to my brother? Why couldn’t I have said something earlier?”
You held his palm with your own hand as he was about to pull away “Don’t say that. We’ve both made bad decisions.” you pursed your lips “Besides you were scared of ruining this, we both were.”
“I wish so bad I could change everything. I could take away everything and that you weren’t his. You shouldn’t be his.” he shook his head head before letting out a small groan “Damn it.” he growled, running a hand down his face “You should be mine and I hate myself so much for saying this.”
“Dean please don’t- don’t blame yourself. You’ve sacrificed everything for Sam, it’s not- it’s not selfish to want something for your own for once.”
“The hell it is.” he growled “You belong to him and all I could every moment I see you is how much I just want to grab you and kiss you.” he shook slightly his head “Makes me wish that damn car had done a fucking better job in killing me.” he mumbled under his breathed and you felt your body immediately stiffen,
“Don’t. Don’t you dare say this again, you hear me? Do you hear me Winchester? You are not dying!” you didn’t realize when you had screamed at him but seeing his wide eyes you realized it and calmed down, but still kept the glare “Don’t you dare even think about that.” you growled the words.
“Why?” he chocked out “What reason do I have to keep going?”
“Me” you breathed out in disbelief “Me, Mary, your friends, Cas, your parents… Sam.”
He scoffed “Do you think- do you think Sam would ever look me in the eyes again if he found out what I did?”
“In the beginning, probably, he’d be mad but he is your brother Dean! Do you think any of you would last for longer than a few months not talking to each other?” you shook your head “I highly doubt it. The relationship you two have is deeper than just blood, for a reason I cannot understand but don’t care. No matter how much I’ve ruined this you-”
“You didn’t ruin it (Y/n).” he cut you off “It is all my doing, I screwed up everything.”
“Damn it Dean, will you stop blaming yourself for all of this?! And stop all this stupid thoughts about ending your life or not deserving to live. It’s all bullshit you hear me?” you were starting to raise your voice but you had to get it through his thick skull “You have a young daughter for the love of! Her life depends on you, you are her world! You can’t be seriously thinking this way!”
“Yes you’ve done mistakes but we all have, Dean! We’re humans and mistakes are just so that we get better in the end! You need to keep going but not for me, no. You need to put yourself first for once Winchester, Mary and Sam following suit! Stop being so selfishly selfless and think about her for once! She needs you, Sam needs you and nothing would ever be able to replace the part you have in their hearts, not even anger or hatred!”
His lips formed a small smile of adoration “Why do you have to be so great huh?” he whispered and you let a small chuckle.
“I’m not. All I am saying is just to make you realize the truth Dean.”
He paused for a second as if in thought before he let it out “You were at Castiel’s place all day, weren’t you?” he asked and you nodded your head “Were you planning on- on staying longer there to avoid… something.”
“I was staying there to think more clearly, Dean. I needed to make some decisions and I needed peace for that. If I couldn’t decide then yes I was going to stay longer.” you avoided looking him in the eyes.
“And you came here because Sam called. But- would you do so if the roles were reversed?” he clenched slightly his jaw, preparing himself fo the answer.
“I came here because your life was in danger.” you whispered but he shook his head.
“Answer me (Y/n).” he insisted his eyes looking into yours firmly.
However you didn’t say anything. You only clenched your own jaw and looked at him. You brought one hand up and cupped his cheek. You slowly started leaning in and pressed your lips to his in a soft kiss. You felt him try to fight it, not moving for a second, but he couldn’t help himself and although he was wary he started kissing back. His hand moving to cup your own cheek and only tilted his head to deepen it. There was some hidden sadness behind all of this but the only thing you did was fist the fabric of his shirt and press him closer to yourself. You were both desperate there was no denying it, and the shock you got after finding out about the accident was still there. But you could taste the guilt in all of this so well that you knew it wasn’t your own, mostly at least.
Dean’s hand moved at the back of your neck to bring you closer, if possible but at that very moment you started pushing him away and pulling away yourself. Your lips lingered over his, touching ever so softly as your and his eyes were half closed. You swallowed thickly, looking up into his eyes.
You gave him a final weak smile but just as he opened his mouth to speak, just to whisper those three words, you were up from the bed and all-but-running towards and out of the door. Dean merely let out a trembling sigh, his head falling back as he brought an arm over his eyes and clenched his jaw to keep the tears in.
Well, this was it after all.