foamazoid [2009-10-18 21:19:52 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact

The imagery here is very precise and shows the reader a lot. At first the reader kind of skims over it, then rereads it to find meaning. It's shortness kind of gives room for interpretation.

There are two places where word choice could be improved. The first is the second line, "creating streaks on my windowpane." My suggestion is that you use creates instead of creating to help it flow a little better. The second is in the fifth line, where "split second" sounds just a bit cliche. You could get away with it in a longer poem, but for this piece try searching for some zany adjective to describe how short that second is that leaves the reader wanting when they finish.

I hope that wasn't too harsh or critical. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)" />

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conspir [2013-02-15 15:06:47 +0000 UTC]

I'm a big fan of poetry, it's always so peaceful.

I really *really* like this poem, I had an image of a little girl trying to look out a foggy window for something, but she couldn't see anything. I also like your word choice: streaks, windowpane, stranded on a sheet of glass. I feel they make the poem more eerie and mysterious.

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Wheatart [2009-10-18 21:08:34 +0000 UTC]

I had to read it twice to really get the meaning conveyed in here. I think this is something that could be further blossomed into a song, if you keep in mind how the words flow. Try reading it out loud to see how it trickles off your tongue, and then you can make adjustments that would help the message to really flow- just like the water on the windshield.

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jonathoncomfortreed [2009-10-18 17:26:45 +0000 UTC]

I like this a lot, especially your subject. I would suggest changing the word "drive" to something a bit more metaphorical, and also "moves on."

Just go over it again see if you can think of something.

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pylangelov [2009-10-18 16:05:43 +0000 UTC]

I like the enjambment you have across the lines, makes the poem flow more, but in some places it sounds stiff and from the poem, despite the fact you have some beautiful imagery, it's hard to tell what you're talking about and so that effect is lost.

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xTalithax [2009-10-18 15:15:38 +0000 UTC]

Very strong visuals conjured with very few words.

Really really good

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nhcool [2009-10-18 15:10:44 +0000 UTC]

Its very interesting and yes it totally did form a mental picture...I luv the way you managed to capture that phenomenon in such beautiful words!

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PaperDart [2009-10-18 14:23:38 +0000 UTC]

"leaving lightning / stranded on a sheet of glass" is a lovely image. The words and the concept come together beautifully.

However, I do think that it would benefit from more context. It's difficult to tell exactly what's going on in the poem. Possibly a few more precise words would help, but I think making the whole thing longer would also help to get more across.

Keep writing!

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Bozack [2009-10-18 12:56:06 +0000 UTC]

Wow, psychedelic pictures in my mind of flying glass panes and light.

I like it , maybe the word "streaks" is an odd choice, but I haven't got a better one for you

In general just a fine little poem

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