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atomicstructure — in my sunday best
Published: 2009-10-26 20:28:41 +0000 UTC; Views: 438; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 6
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Description
My fingerspressed against the cool window pane
My breath
fogs the glass around my face
My eyes
watch ladies parade by
in their Sunday best
Waiting for a miracle to come,
sweep them off their feet!
But until then, they parade morosely through the crowd,
with each and every head in the clouds.
Comments: 11
:icongimmeefeedback:
Wonderful idea for a poem
I think you should clarify the picture in the poem a little more. Also, in the first sentence, I think "pressed" should be "press", since everything else is present tense.
I like the phrasing, though, and the imagery of the breath fogging the glass.
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THanks for the tips ^^
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:iconGimmeFeeback:
You've got such a good idea here, you should keep going with it! 
I'm not sure if "morosely" is the right word.. just think about that.
And I love that you used an exclamation mark!
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NO! NO SHAME! *hugs exclamation point* HOW COULD I LIVE WITHOUT YOU!?!?!
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It's a cute poem, but the visual imagery didn't come across as well as I think it could have. When doing visual poems, you want the imagery to flow, have a pattern or an image behind them. This one looks like it needs a bit more of a pattern in the spacing.
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Yeah... i'm still experimenting with line spacing, so maybe nexttime i'll do it on word!
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You can even play with it on here. Just edit the text.
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