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Published: 2011-07-25 01:39:44 +0000 UTC; Views: 464; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 3
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What I remember about that day is that it was raining.~
There was a steady pattering sound, the kind that might be pleasant on a windowpane, but is simply dreary if it comes from a host of mud puddles nearby. Unhappily, that moment did not occur on the warm side of a closed window, but in the middle of an expanse of soggy red-brown earth.
"Hello..."
Drip, drip, drip.
Water gathers at the edge of the roof and spills over, narrowly missing the two of us as we hide from the rain. Unsuccessfully--the gutter is a lacking shelter in such a torrential downpour.
"Can we be friends?"
Plop, plop, plop.
He is saturated with droplets; they roll down his face like minuscule rivers, and his clothes are dark and shiny with moisture. Clear rivulets sluice from the pores of his hand as it takes my equally waterlogged one.
"I want to be with you."
Splish, splish, splish.
My thoughts stray perilously towards the past--I am reminded of equally rainy days, when we first crossed paths, when we first became friends, and when we first fell in love. On wet, tumultuous days, our past (our, more than just mine or his) unfolded. The days, like water pooled in our hands, slowly slipped away to nothing.
"I can't come back anymore."
Patter, patter, patter.
We belong to each other now, he says, taking a plain ring from his pocket and placing it on my hand. All I can reply is a smile, knowing it's too late now, knowing we both regret not having the chance to do this properly. Knowing we wouldn't change a thing. Knowing, most of all, that we had always belonged to each other anyway.
"Don't forget me."
Splat, splat, splat.
~
And then we walked out into the rain, to the end of our fairy tale. Standing there, in the incessant storm, soaked to our bones, I held him as he died.
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Comments: 4
Fire-Chan9490 [2011-08-17 15:27:49 +0000 UTC]
See, this is what happens when I let my messages pile up over 1000. I miss stuff like this. >.> Please excuse my lateness.
I love the overall mood of this, with the alternating italics and straight (is that the right term?) font and the abstract-ish sentences.
The one thing that sort of confused me was the "Can we be friends?" line. Is that from the past? It sort of threw me because it's pretty clear by the end that they're not just friends, but that's what the line implied.
Anyways, I think you got the visual scene down really well, along with the feelings and the mood, and those are the more important things. XD
Did I piss you off last time with my vagueness? Sorry. >_<
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AuroraExecutionchan In reply to Fire-Chan9490 [2011-08-18 02:12:22 +0000 UTC]
Ah, all the quotes are from the past. Wasn't too clear, but I figured if other people can write like that, so can I.
Eh, not really. I was in a bad mood too, I think, and I was feeling like I got a lot of "I'm not a fan of this bit but can't give a reason" feedback from you, so I'm afraid I was a bit short.
Anyway. Glad you liked it.
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cesura [2011-07-25 15:39:00 +0000 UTC]
I like the short, dream-like quality. I only have one issue: in that second paragraph, you say the scene occurs in the "middle of an expanse of soggy red-brown earth" and yet, suddenly they're standing under a roof. I guess I pictured nothing else in the "expanse" so it was kind of a "where'd that house come from?" moment. Otherwise, short and sweet. Very nice.
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AuroraExecutionchan In reply to cesura [2011-07-26 00:25:51 +0000 UTC]
I suppose it does, but I actually was imagining a tiny shack in a large flat muddy plain.
Anyway. Thanks for the compliment.
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