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Description
Well… if that reference doesn't say it all

Hi everyone. It's been a while. I guess… I have some catching up to do. Moved out of my parents' house, living on my own for the first time (definitely new but comfortable). Came out as a trans woman to my parents (they took it well, cheers). I have a working relationship with my mother now (I know it's weird for me too). Had a girlfriend, we broke up (back to being tragically single oof). Yadda yadda, none of this is really important to lead with, is it?

I've been sitting on this draft, overthinking and rewriting over and over, thinking of the best way to explain my absence. Bear with me, because I think the best way is to rip off the bandaid and jump right into the heavy stuff.

There's definitely a handful of reasons I went offline, not just from here but most of the internet as a whole. Obviously, since I disappeared around 2020, you can probably guess one of the stressors. Don't worry, I didn't get the big C, not until a few months back at least (0/10 would not recommend). But like a lot of people on this planet, it sure threw one hell of a wrench into my life. After already going through all the hoops of finally getting insurance and psychiatrist appointments, I got my first real job literally in January of 2020, right as the news reports were coming in. I was finally medicated for my anxiety and depression, but those medicines had to work overtime to cope with working retail in the middle of a pandemic. Irl, my job and transferring back to Indianapolis and paying bills for the first time became my main focus by necessity. And even now, it still kinda saps me.

But the main kicker that scared me away from the internet was a lot more personal. Some of you may know that I used to be a head moderator on Amino Apps. I no longer associate myself with that platform. I will not elaborate the details of what went down behind closed doors or name names to start drama in a public forum like this. The relevant part is that that experience left me feeling hurt, betrayed, scared for myself and others, and emotionally/creatively exhausted. I disappeared from my internet life because the weight of the world collapsed in on me and I just couldn't socialize on a big public platform anymore. I could barely even socialize irl. It started out that I just needed some time to retreat into the obscurity of my local neighborhood. I told myself I'd take a break from drawing for a little bit and then get right into it. I procrastinated. And then I felt bad about procrastinating so I went the opposite direction. I shoved all my energy, even after way-too-long days at work, into pumping out design after design and planning too many stories to be realistic. I burnt myself out, but I never posted anything I drew. I got myself stuck in this mental trap where I felt like my work would only be worth posting and showing off once it was collectively "done". I needed to worldbuild every tree branch's origin story to prove… idk, that my original content was worth seeing by other people? That it was worth something to me? I don't know, but it became a negative feedback loop. I worked and I worked and stalled and stalled, and then it got worse because I became afraid that I've been away for so long that no one would accept me coming back anyways. It felt… easier to just stay hidden. For a while at least, and then of course real life sucked just as much as what I had initially ran from online. It wasn't exactly a tradeoff, I had to realize. It started keeping me up at night, thinking of my earliest internet days when it was just me and the old crew and a few spectators who stumbled across my page every now and then. It wasn't the same as that other app, and I needed to remember that in order to build up the courage to return and see what I've been missing.

I don't ask or expect to be forgiven. There's no beating around the bush: I ran away, and that was my mistake. Some of you may not want to talk to me, some of you may not even remember me. Hell, maybe I'm actually just blowing this all out of proportion and I need to chill out. Either way, I have no one but myself to blame, and I've come to accept that what I come back to will not be the same as it once was. People I knew well may have since moved on, new people will be stumbling across my page, and I won't have the frankly suicidal drawing schedule I had in school. But this was where I got my footing. This was where I first made friends when such a commodity was hard to come by in real life. This was where I learned from my mistakes, found my tribe, and made my art feel like something casual to just share and goof around with. This was my safe space. I'm ready to come home, whatever home here means now. If you'll have me, I'm ready to be back.

And I certainly have no shortage of stuff to share. As you can see, I've taken my OC universe (which I now collectively refer to as the Drake Hero universe) and have been building on it to… frankly ludicrous proportions. I have a lot of lore to share and expand on now, and I'm slowly weaning off procrastinating the novel I'm writing from it. I've also really gotten into D&D which obviously is a character factory lol. I won't be uploading on a regular basis, but I'll try to keep it somewhat frequent, just when I feel like it. I'll probably also keep this page primarily as a character design blog. As neat as the full landscape pieces can be, they're extremely mentally and physically exhausting to produce, so those'll be reserved to special occasions and passion projects. Maybe I'll even write some little one off stories for the Drake Hero universe if I can convince myself that doesn't count as procrastinating on the novel-

So yeah, I'm well and truly sorry I was gone. I'm sorry I ran away. I'm sorry I did this to myself and to you. I hope you'll have me back, and if not, I hope wherever road you're heading out on is all the best for you. Thank you for the time in my life I remember so fondly that I eventually just couldn't stay away anymore.

To whatever lies ahead of us all

Description
Well… if that reference doesn't say it all

Hi everyone. It's been a while. I guess… I have some catching up to do. Moved out of my parents' house, living on my own for the first time (definitely new but comfortable). Came out as a trans woman to my parents (they took it well, cheers). I have a working relationship with my mother now (I know it's weird for me too). Had a girlfriend, we broke up (back to being tragically single oof). Yadda yadda, none of this is really important to lead with, is it?

I've been sitting on this draft, overthinking and rewriting over and over, thinking of the best way to explain my absence. Bear with me, because I think the best way is to rip off the bandaid and jump right into the heavy stuff.

There's definitely a handful of reasons I went offline, not just from here but most of the internet as a whole. Obviously, since I disappeared around 2020, you can probably guess one of the stressors. Don't worry, I didn't get the big C, not until a few months back at least (0/10 would not recommend). But like a lot of people on this planet, it sure threw one hell of a wrench into my life. After already going through all the hoops of finally getting insurance and psychiatrist appointments, I got my first real job literally in January of 2020, right as the news reports were coming in. I was finally medicated for my anxiety and depression, but those medicines had to work overtime to cope with working retail in the middle of a pandemic. Irl, my job and transferring back to Indianapolis and paying bills for the first time became my main focus by necessity. And even now, it still kinda saps me.

But the main kicker that scared me away from the internet was a lot more personal. Some of you may know that I used to be a head moderator on Amino Apps. I no longer associate myself with that platform. I will not elaborate the details of what went down behind closed doors or name names to start drama in a public forum like this. The relevant part is that that experience left me feeling hurt, betrayed, scared for myself and others, and emotionally/creatively exhausted. I disappeared from my internet life because the weight of the world collapsed in on me and I just couldn't socialize on a big public platform anymore. I could barely even socialize irl. It started out that I just needed some time to retreat into the obscurity of my local neighborhood. I told myself I'd take a break from drawing for a little bit and then get right into it. I procrastinated. And then I felt bad about procrastinating so I went the opposite direction. I shoved all my energy, even after way-too-long days at work, into pumping out design after design and planning too many stories to be realistic. I burnt myself out, but I never posted anything I drew. I got myself stuck in this mental trap where I felt like my work would only be worth posting and showing off once it was collectively "done". I needed to worldbuild every tree branch's origin story to prove… idk, that my original content was worth seeing by other people? That it was worth something to me? I don't know, but it became a negative feedback loop. I worked and I worked and stalled and stalled, and then it got worse because I became afraid that I've been away for so long that no one would accept me coming back anyways. It felt… easier to just stay hidden. For a while at least, and then of course real life sucked just as much as what I had initially ran from online. It wasn't exactly a tradeoff, I had to realize. It started keeping me up at night, thinking of my earliest internet days when it was just me and the old crew and a few spectators who stumbled across my page every now and then. It wasn't the same as that other app, and I needed to remember that in order to build up the courage to return and see what I've been missing.

I don't ask or expect to be forgiven. There's no beating around the bush: I ran away, and that was my mistake. Some of you may not want to talk to me, some of you may not even remember me. Hell, maybe I'm actually just blowing this all out of proportion and I need to chill out. Either way, I have no one but myself to blame, and I've come to accept that what I come back to will not be the same as it once was. People I knew well may have since moved on, new people will be stumbling across my page, and I won't have the frankly suicidal drawing schedule I had in school. But this was where I got my footing. This was where I first made friends when such a commodity was hard to come by in real life. This was where I learned from my mistakes, found my tribe, and made my art feel like something casual to just share and goof around with. This was my safe space. I'm ready to come home, whatever home here means now. If you'll have me, I'm ready to be back.

And I certainly have no shortage of stuff to share. As you can see, I've taken my OC universe (which I now collectively refer to as the Drake Hero universe) and have been building on it to… frankly ludicrous proportions. I have a lot of lore to share and expand on now, and I'm slowly weaning off procrastinating the novel I'm writing from it. I've also really gotten into D&D which obviously is a character factory lol. I won't be uploading on a regular basis, but I'll try to keep it somewhat frequent, just when I feel like it. I'll probably also keep this page primarily as a character design blog. As neat as the full landscape pieces can be, they're extremely mentally and physically exhausting to produce, so those'll be reserved to special occasions and passion projects. Maybe I'll even write some little one off stories for the Drake Hero universe if I can convince myself that doesn't count as procrastinating on the novel-

So yeah, I'm well and truly sorry I was gone. I'm sorry I ran away. I'm sorry I did this to myself and to you. I hope you'll have me back, and if not, I hope wherever road you're heading out on is all the best for you. Thank you for the time in my life I remember so fondly that I eventually just couldn't stay away anymore.

To whatever lies ahead of us all