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BCRich40 β Improving Skills - Part 15
Published: 2012-10-09 19:33:45 +0000 UTC; Views: 39918; Favourites: 354; Downloads: 494
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And it's finally here!I have really mixed feelings about this comic. It feels like I have taken a step backwards, but in the other hand, I can see the improvement in so many levels. So if you can't see any improvement in this comic, I swear it's still there! It's just not visual.
The last panel was pain in the ass. I basically had to create Twilight out of nothing, because the sketch sucked so much. There's some annoying minor flaws, but nothing too serious.
I have nothing else to say about this part. There's nothing special, but it's needed to carry the plot forward. Next part won't be a long one either, but I'll write a journal entry about that during next few days. I believe there will be some major changes.
And if you would be so kind, could you point out any grammar mistakes you can find from the comic? That would help to improve my English skills, and it would make reading more comfortable. Thanks!
Enjoy!
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Comments: 148
Lol, I like the last one, finally she sleeps.
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LOL i loved how twlight is just doing whatever while they talk
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I saw Twilight shaking, and I had an inkling of what was coming... I've been there, too.
Then I saw the bucket appear. Uh oh.
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Aw, sweepy Twilight is adorable. But methinks she will never drink again!
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Yay, a new comic. I love your work and hope to see your new ones once you get the time.
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Wow i watched the whole comics and you really improved your drawing!Its amazing and in the way you did a very funny comic xD
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I'm really loving these comics. Heres my reaction for before this comic episode and after
Before:
(γΰ² ηΰ² )γ彑β»ββ»
WHEN YOU GONNA POST NEW COMMIC!!!!!!!!!!
After:β¬ββ¬γ( ΒΊ _ ΒΊγ)
FFFFF YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Other than RD's head lookin' a lil' tall..may just be me...your art is fine. it stays true to your own style that you started with on the first page. Keep it up, I'm liking this story thus far 
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I had a cat that did that. Walks in, meow'd till I was looking at her, then faceplants and falls asleep.
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the ending was especially funny cuz im a twidash shipper XD
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Loving the comics btw.
Was a bit touch and go at the start. Kept thinking "oh lord, here we go again, another shipping comic", but the story developed quite nicely, and it has some nice humor to it.
Congrats, pretty good series.
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Lyra: Hey creator !
give twilight a pillow or something :3
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Twilight throw-uple ya dont see that on the show
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Well, since you asked for grammatical corrections:
"I shouldn't jump to conclusion, before I hear the right side of the story."
- "I shouldn't jump to conclusions before I hear the whole story."
"Let's just forget this silly incident, shall we? I believe we got some important things to do today."
- "Let's just forget about this whole thing, okay?"
- "We've got / We have some important things to do today."
"A way out of here would be nice. Although, the only thing I see around us, is an endless line of mountains."
- "A way out of here would be nice, although the only thing I see around us are mountains."
"It was a small lovely pond near that tree over there."
- "It was a small pond near that tree over there."
"Why are you looking to the sky, when you talk to him?
- "Why are you looking at the sky when you talk to him?"
"Ah, there's our toothbrushes!"
- "Ah, there're / there are our toothbrushes!"
"Looks like we have to do this the hard way."
- "Look like we have to do that the hard way."
"I'll take a quick look to our surroundings from the sky. I'll meet you by the pond later."
- "I'll take a look around from the sky and meet you by the pond later."
"Ain't she cute, when she sleeps?"
- "She's so cute when she's tired."
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I fixed some of the mistakes, so thank you for that, but could you please tell me, what is actually wrong with these sentences? I don't understand.
"Let's just forget this silly incident, shall we?"
"It was a small lovely pond near that tree over there."
"I'll take a quick look at our surroundings from the sky. I'll meet you by the pond later."
"Ain't she cute, when she sleeps?"
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Oh, of course. I should have explained better in my original comment.
1. It doesn't really sound like something that Rainbow Dash would say. She isn't the type to use that kind of sentence structure, not that choice of words.
2. Similar thing with "lovely." Obviously, Lyra doesn't have an established voice, but "that small lovely pond" isn't something that your average person would say. It's too wordy.
3. Those two sentences are just too blocky - there's no flow, and if someone said them in real life, they would almost certainly combine them into one sentence.
4. Well, firstly, there's no need for the comma, and it should end "when she's asleep." Aside from that, there are two reasons: one, it's again not something Dash would say ("Ain't" is more of an Applejack word).
Two, the phrase that people associate with that kind of punchline is "You're so X when you're Y" (You're so beautiful when you're angry at me"), and the suggested revision is more in line with how the punchline would/should go.
I apologize if this is coming off a bit harsh. I really do enjoy these comics of yours, and your work in general, so when I saw a comic with errata that hadn't already been corrected, I sort of went into hardass editor mode without realizing it.
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Thank you for clearing that out!
I did a bit mixing with your and crasydwarf's corrections, but am I right, if I say that the first two sentences are more like opinions? I mean, it's true that Dash probably wouldn't talk like that, but the sentence was correct, right? You also mentioned that Lyra's sentence is too wordy. As you said, Lyra doesn't have an established voice, so we don't actually know what she's like. Nevertheless, I dropped the word "lovely" off, because I got confused.
And that's a problem actually. Other people say things differently than others. It makes me confused, because I don't know which is the "right" way to write things. I'm losing my self-confidence here! I need to do something about this.
But thanks again! I really appreciate your help. Now I'm a bit smarter than before.
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(Honestly, I wouldn't take crasydwarf's corrections too seriously. People who butt in like that tend not to know what they're doing.)
Anyway. The first sentence, Dash's, is correct, but it's less like an opinion and more like a "voice" for the characters. It is grammatically correct, and you can definitely leave it as is if you want to, but it just isn't something Dash would say. Getting a character's voice down is important for continuity and immersion.
That said, this is a comic and not a story, so it's ultimately up to personal preference.
With Lyra, though, it's not a voice issue - the sentences really don't have a flow to them, and it's simply more pleasant to read if they're less blocky.
But really, don't worry too much about it. Your grammar is very good, and this comic is an exception in that it has as many burrs as it does. I've read all of your other ones, and your English is mostly impeccable in them. Speaking from experience, writing a character's voice is tricky, especially in a different language, and you've done a very good job of it so far.
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Let me try to help a little.
"Let's just forget this silly incident, shall we?"
- Nothing wrong with it per say, but "Let's just forget about this whole thing, okay?" it's a more commonly used expression in these types of situations.
"It was a small lovely pond near that tree over there."
- The reply is not directly related to the question. If the question had been "what was the source of water?" then it might be appropriate. As it stands, just saying "Near that tree over there." would be better.
"I'll take a quick look at our surroundings from the sky. I'll meet you by the pond later."
- Only dodgy thing is the use of "I'll" twice. Since both sentences are related, the second "I'll" is unnecessary and breaks flow. "I'll take a quick look at our surroundings from the sky and meet you by the pond later." would fit in better.
"Ain't she cute, when she sleeps?"
- Ain't is used in a more informal and non regular way. Isn't is more common.
In the context, "Isn't she cute when she's sleeping/Isn't she cure when she sleeps" is more "reader" friendly.
(Sorry for butting in, just trying to help)
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Thanks for the help! I mixed your advices with Dirigible-Quixote's. The comic should be more comortable to read now.
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Poor Twilight
And yes, Rainbow. She is cute when she sleeps
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im starting to like this story..... you should make a seperate fic with dashietwi i think it would be good
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The thing is that I'm not ready to do it yet. I just need more experience before I start to draw that kind of stuff. So it's possible that there will be a seperate twidash comic series in the future.
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cool ill read it if/when you make it. this commic is getting good tho. lol
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*cracks knuckles* Okay. Here come the grammar corrections:
Panel 1: I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions, before hearing both sides of the story.
Panel 5: We need a place to clean ourselves up. I haven't taken a bath in days. I can also smell Twilight's breath from here. Maybe we can find a way to clean our teeth by the pond. Why don't we just ask for a shower from the creator?
Panel 6: Why do you look at the sky when you talk to him?
Panel 8: I'll take a quick look at our surroundings from the sky.
Note: You've done an excellent job with your grammar. These were just minor mistakes that would only be noticed by a native English speaker, but I just wanted to make the sentences sound a bit more thorough (almost like polishing the grammar). So, when you say that you can see the improvement in this part, I can definitely see that your grammar has improved dramatically from your previous parts, so you're not just getting better with your drawing but also with your English skills. 
One other thing, Rainbow Dash's facial structure looks a little different from that of Twilight. Dash's face looks more like an oval () , while Twilight's face looks more like a circle O , so in a way, Dash's face looks a little strange in my eyes. This is just a friendly critique.
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Fixed! Thank you!
It's good to know that my English skills are getting better too! I think I have actually learned more English on here, DeviantArt than I'm learned at schools.
And about the shape of Dash's head. I noticed it today after I finished the 9th panel. It was really annoying, but it was way too difficult thing to fix at that point. So I had to left it like that.
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No problem, mate! I'll be waiting for your next comic, and hopefully, I won't have to make too many corrections!
Oh, by the way, I read through this comic again, and there was no confusion whatsoever. I don't think you need to spend any more time with any other corrections. Cheers~
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These are great, I love how your showing your improvement with these comics aswell, it really shows how someone grows with their skills, and its a funny comic aswell.
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its amazing creator just gave them all that stuff, and not one thank you... the nerve of them
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lol i love how nopony notice twi's actions over there
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I see a moment in the future that these are so much improved that the next logical step would be animation. Certainly if I look how quickly the artist grows.
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Poor Twi, those hangovers can be really something, especially to those who arent used to drink much.
I love RDΒ΄s d'aawww face when Twi falls asleep. I d'aawww'd too. <3
For something you had to make up from scratch, itΒ΄s a pretty good thing to achieve. ;3
I like this and canΒ΄t wait to see Twi cleaned up with brushed teeth and RD flying around to check if thereΒ΄s more stuff to discover. Maybe some house to have a roof over the head if it suddenly starts to rain? With a bathroom which got a shower? xD
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Just 1 exception. You do it.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
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you improve so much with each comic, you're doing great!
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