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Blanke — One Must Fall- First Draft
Published: 2008-10-13 01:43:27 +0000 UTC; Views: 110; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 38
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EDIT: fixed the paragraph that I forgot about.Download to read..
If you say it's TL;DR, get an attention span, you clod. It's only 6 pages. That's way shorter than any short stories you'd have to read in college or high school.
I call it Trial 0 because it takes place before the numbered trials. Technically, Telos could get away with speaking in the past tense for everything here, but I like the historical present tense more. I figured the fact that it's not a numbered chapter already implies that it's not part of the main chronology when he said the story starts in 500 R.E., not 499. (Books don't have anything labeled "page 0."
)Really it's just a short story about a man killing in self defense, masked as my first attempt to write up an epic battle. There's some foreshadowing in there with Ares and Altair's tense exchange at the end, but the main purpose is to establish an idea for the scale that the fights will reach as Jason grows.
Any suggestions for a better name than Hakuryuuken?
Any corrections on punctuation are welcome. Also, don't be afraid to point out any sentences or passages that confuse you. This is the first draft, after all, so I'd love to hear what I can revise.
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Comments: 5
i cant download on thish compy have to wait till im over at a friends XD
but i wanna read it too ^^
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Finally. It took me all week but I managed to read it (several times at that). So, finally here it goes:
What first caught my attention is the fact that you chose the present tense to write in. This would be perhaps uncommon, if it didn't happen to be a graphic novel, specially for the prologue, since most narrators, myself included, often pick the past tense.
Thus, this was rather refreshing and you managed to put it together quite well. There were a few parts (in the first version, at least) where you changed the tense. This wasn't a big deal for me, but I know people who might not like it. Still, it's only a couple of sentences, and it seems (correct me if I'm wrong) that you fixed it in the second version.
I liked a lot your figures of speech and metaphors. I found them beautifully well-thought. For some reason, I was expecting something much more rigid. There's also a couple of fancy words here and there for good measure 
Enough matters of form; let's move on to content. I felt that this text goes almost straight to the action, and that the real purpose of the proplogue is perhaps hidden at the end, when the fight is over. I really enjoyed that fight, by the way; even if, by reading the comic-format prologue I knew that Ares was going to win. My only critique is the scence where they summon their familiars; since nothing happens. It didn't seem to have any purpose but then again, the same thing happens with fanservice.
Also perhaps the summoning of Behemoth could have used a little more description, just to enhance its epicness. After all, it's 'the greatest technique in Magnite history.'
Overall, I'd say you are treading on solid ground in what comes to writing. I have yet to see how this will cope with the graphic part, but I think it will do just fine.
Finally, I'll have to say that this draws a sharp contrast with my own style. I'm not the type who always compares himself to others, but reading a friend's work always generates some interesting feedback.
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Thanks! It's always nice to get support from a fellow writer on this. I'm relieved to hear that the figures of speech are working fine, and I hope to keep those coming. 
I also appreciate you pointing out parts that can get some more substance. I'll make the buildup of Behemoth, and the clash of familiars a little more exciting for the final draft.
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Nice work. My only suggestion would be to remember that whenever a new person is speaking you're supposed to start a new paragraph. It prevents a lot of confusion. Other than that it was pretty good action. Keep it up.
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Thanks! Glad to hear that the action is working all right, and I'll make the appropriate revisions with speech for the second draft.
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