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Description
I've been single since October 2012, so that's 2 years and 3 months of being alone to be exact. Sure enough it's been okay, but there have been times in which I completely hate my marital status. And I'm now going through one of those times right now as a matter of fact.

I know a lot of people will bound to say that being single is a lot more better than being trapped in a loveless and/or abusive relationship - that I'm quite aware of and I am thankful I haven't been in that type of situation before. But the thing is ever since my mid teens I've been pretty much insecure about myself in terms of love/sex and actually having a proper relationship. I didn't get my first boyfriend until I was 20 years old when there are kids younger than I who've had quite a lot boyfriends/girlfriends by that age. Hell, my brother is more successful when it comes to dating/love and he's 7 years younger than I am.

And the most pathetic thing about it is I get jealous of him along with most people who find it really easy to meet potential romantic relationships and then forming a close bond with them. I think to myself "Why am I such a bloody failure all the damn time?" Honestly the more I get older (I'm currently 27), the harder it seems to get for me - it makes me wonder why I'm wandering aimlessly on this planet and try to maintain a positive outlook on life when in reality things will never get better for me ever.

I just know that I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. Sure, some might ask questions like "How do you know what the future holds for you? You're not physic, and you might be wrong in thinking that at all." Well, after two years of foolishly believing that I might find someone new I've come to the conclusion that not one thing has changed. Nothing at all. Do you know how long it has been since I have brought a boyfriend home to my parents? It's been five years now, and that was my second boyfriend, Chris.

5 years is such a long time - nothing about it is normal. Hell, my brother has recently brought home a girl who he has meet not so long ago, which makes me feel I'm the only odd one out. I wouldn't be surprised if my parents are worried about my ability to get a boyfriend. I feel that I have disappointed not only my family, but also myself in a huge way. Another thing I can't stand is society happens to put a lot of focus on anything relating to relationships, and there's also Valentine's Day too. Speaking of which I don't mind Valentine's Day due to the fact it's just a normal day of the year and it's not just for lovers, but also expressing love to your family and friends. That's why I'm treating my mum to a meal in Cosmos on Valentine's Day as it falls on the weekend (Saturday).

Back to my earlier point about society and how much it upholds romance, most people will get on your back or start to raise questions as to why you're single. They make it seem as if you have got a disease or something similar to that. I mean, many times I've been told I'll get a boyfriend soon and other encouraging things, however I take one look at them and think to myself "You're just saying that to make me feel better. Just tell me something new already." I know they mean well in saying things like that as I know they care about me, but sadly at times I just feel like responding with "Oh yeah? Prove it. Prove me wrong." just to see if they will falter in their tracks.

And when I see people into relationships or hearing how well they are doing in their love life, I get depressed as a result. I try and avoid it or take hardly any notice at all, but you can't hide away from things like that on a 24/7 period e.g. my brother and his past relationships. And that's when everything seems to fall apart for me personally as in a way I put pressure on myself and when the shit fits the fan, that is when I am my own worse enemy. I know being too hard to myself isn't really beneficial to my well being in the long run but having said that, I've always been that way when either things don't go to plan/or what I hoped for and even when I make big mistakes/ending up failing in situations.

Trouble is it's been so hard wired into me and that's what preventing me to somehow break the cynical attitude/negative process of thinking. I don't know if I suffer from depression and I'm not one of those people who would self diagnoses themselves with a mental condition. But yeah, there have been times in which I have felt depressed.

I'm really no good at meeting new people in real life at all because I get socially anxious around people I don't know that well in social situations. Last year I was diagnosed with social anxiety by two therapists - when I finally learned about it everything just seemed to click for me as it did provide an explanation as to why I felt different compared to everyone else since when I started puberty. As it happens, when it comes to those who have social anxiety making friends and forming romantic relationships/dating in general is a constant struggle. I just resent that part of me so much as I deem it as somewhat of a curse.

I don't know anyone in my family who suffers from social anxiety, so if I'm the only one who has the condition it just extremely sucks to be me as a person. It's no wonder why I hate myself at times for who I am as person. I sometimes wish I was someone else rather than being a stupid, worthless girl who can't seem to do anything the right way in life. It seems I have far more flaws than strengths and that's not acceptable as some people will instantly see that as a major weakness.

Earlier on I tried telling my dad about my problems of being single and not finding anyone new - turns out it was kinda pointless in doing so. Basically he said it's up to me to make that change and I shouldn't be jealous of my brother and other things like that. Unfortunately the more I tried to challenge his claims by saying stuff like "I'm the only person here who is not in a relationship" and "I know that I'll be single all my life as it's been a very long time since I was last in a relationship." it didn't go down too well with him to say the least. And then he said "Something will come up" which didn't really do any favours with me because it's no different to my friends and other people telling me there is someone out for me. I just find it to be kinda patronizing and deluded because so far not one of them are right in what they've said. So why should what my dad say be any different?

I might as well accept it - there's something wrong with me and I haven't the faintest idea on how to help myself or think of any ways to rectify this problem that is rather unknown to me. I'll never get married. I'll never have children. I'll never have sex at all. All my relationships will go downhill like they usually do. I'm pretty much an undatable person and as far as I'm concerned I am not relationship material at all. I don't see any point in trying as I simply cannot compete with other girls who are far more beautiful, intelligent and extremely better than me in everything they do.

I realise I sound over the top in my last paragraph, and I do aplogise for that, but that is the way I'm feeling right now.

Description
I've been single since October 2012, so that's 2 years and 3 months of being alone to be exact. Sure enough it's been okay, but there have been times in which I completely hate my marital status. And I'm now going through one of those times right now as a matter of fact.

I know a lot of people will bound to say that being single is a lot more better than being trapped in a loveless and/or abusive relationship - that I'm quite aware of and I am thankful I haven't been in that type of situation before. But the thing is ever since my mid teens I've been pretty much insecure about myself in terms of love/sex and actually having a proper relationship. I didn't get my first boyfriend until I was 20 years old when there are kids younger than I who've had quite a lot boyfriends/girlfriends by that age. Hell, my brother is more successful when it comes to dating/love and he's 7 years younger than I am.

And the most pathetic thing about it is I get jealous of him along with most people who find it really easy to meet potential romantic relationships and then forming a close bond with them. I think to myself "Why am I such a bloody failure all the damn time?" Honestly the more I get older (I'm currently 27), the harder it seems to get for me - it makes me wonder why I'm wandering aimlessly on this planet and try to maintain a positive outlook on life when in reality things will never get better for me ever.

I just know that I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. Sure, some might ask questions like "How do you know what the future holds for you? You're not physic, and you might be wrong in thinking that at all." Well, after two years of foolishly believing that I might find someone new I've come to the conclusion that not one thing has changed. Nothing at all. Do you know how long it has been since I have brought a boyfriend home to my parents? It's been five years now, and that was my second boyfriend, Chris.

5 years is such a long time - nothing about it is normal. Hell, my brother has recently brought home a girl who he has meet not so long ago, which makes me feel I'm the only odd one out. I wouldn't be surprised if my parents are worried about my ability to get a boyfriend. I feel that I have disappointed not only my family, but also myself in a huge way. Another thing I can't stand is society happens to put a lot of focus on anything relating to relationships, and there's also Valentine's Day too. Speaking of which I don't mind Valentine's Day due to the fact it's just a normal day of the year and it's not just for lovers, but also expressing love to your family and friends. That's why I'm treating my mum to a meal in Cosmos on Valentine's Day as it falls on the weekend (Saturday).

Back to my earlier point about society and how much it upholds romance, most people will get on your back or start to raise questions as to why you're single. They make it seem as if you have got a disease or something similar to that. I mean, many times I've been told I'll get a boyfriend soon and other encouraging things, however I take one look at them and think to myself "You're just saying that to make me feel better. Just tell me something new already." I know they mean well in saying things like that as I know they care about me, but sadly at times I just feel like responding with "Oh yeah? Prove it. Prove me wrong." just to see if they will falter in their tracks.

And when I see people into relationships or hearing how well they are doing in their love life, I get depressed as a result. I try and avoid it or take hardly any notice at all, but you can't hide away from things like that on a 24/7 period e.g. my brother and his past relationships. And that's when everything seems to fall apart for me personally as in a way I put pressure on myself and when the shit fits the fan, that is when I am my own worse enemy. I know being too hard to myself isn't really beneficial to my well being in the long run but having said that, I've always been that way when either things don't go to plan/or what I hoped for and even when I make big mistakes/ending up failing in situations.

Trouble is it's been so hard wired into me and that's what preventing me to somehow break the cynical attitude/negative process of thinking. I don't know if I suffer from depression and I'm not one of those people who would self diagnoses themselves with a mental condition. But yeah, there have been times in which I have felt depressed.

I'm really no good at meeting new people in real life at all because I get socially anxious around people I don't know that well in social situations. Last year I was diagnosed with social anxiety by two therapists - when I finally learned about it everything just seemed to click for me as it did provide an explanation as to why I felt different compared to everyone else since when I started puberty. As it happens, when it comes to those who have social anxiety making friends and forming romantic relationships/dating in general is a constant struggle. I just resent that part of me so much as I deem it as somewhat of a curse.

I don't know anyone in my family who suffers from social anxiety, so if I'm the only one who has the condition it just extremely sucks to be me as a person. It's no wonder why I hate myself at times for who I am as person. I sometimes wish I was someone else rather than being a stupid, worthless girl who can't seem to do anything the right way in life. It seems I have far more flaws than strengths and that's not acceptable as some people will instantly see that as a major weakness.

Earlier on I tried telling my dad about my problems of being single and not finding anyone new - turns out it was kinda pointless in doing so. Basically he said it's up to me to make that change and I shouldn't be jealous of my brother and other things like that. Unfortunately the more I tried to challenge his claims by saying stuff like "I'm the only person here who is not in a relationship" and "I know that I'll be single all my life as it's been a very long time since I was last in a relationship." it didn't go down too well with him to say the least. And then he said "Something will come up" which didn't really do any favours with me because it's no different to my friends and other people telling me there is someone out for me. I just find it to be kinda patronizing and deluded because so far not one of them are right in what they've said. So why should what my dad say be any different?

I might as well accept it - there's something wrong with me and I haven't the faintest idea on how to help myself or think of any ways to rectify this problem that is rather unknown to me. I'll never get married. I'll never have children. I'll never have sex at all. All my relationships will go downhill like they usually do. I'm pretty much an undatable person and as far as I'm concerned I am not relationship material at all. I don't see any point in trying as I simply cannot compete with other girls who are far more beautiful, intelligent and extremely better than me in everything they do.

I realise I sound over the top in my last paragraph, and I do aplogise for that, but that is the way I'm feeling right now.