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Published: 2013-11-29 07:03:42 +0000 UTC; Views: 488; Favourites: 27; Downloads: 0
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Description death knocks on your
door with a crooked little grin
and tells you that he'd like
his tea with two sugars, please,
and that you'd better start packing;
but only bring your valuables
because he's got no room in his hearse
for remorse
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brokenfragilethings - 01.
Comments: 7

the-solimnludic [2013-12-01 20:27:54 +0000 UTC]

The only thing I point out to you is the "and" after Death's "please" felt a little awkward and too soon for something not necessarily related to tea...I'd say a comma after "please" would be good.

I've seen death personified in a lot of ways--but I gotta admit the "tea with two sugars, please" was awesome. I guess it's just ironic, in a way. So clever. (the crooked little grin was a nice touch, too.)

It's strange because when I think of valuables sometimes I think they carry with them a lot of sentimental value, often at times, remorse. I don't know if I'm being stereotypical on that. But I did find your ending interesting enough to be satisfied with it.
It's great to see you're still writing your wonderful things...and I gotta get back to your replies!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

brokenfragilethings In reply to the-solimnludic [2013-12-03 17:47:28 +0000 UTC]

Mm, I understand what you mean.
I didn't really have it related to the tea,
I wanted it more related to the "he tells you"
because he tells you two things, he'd like some tea,
and you need to pack.
But! I think the comma would work. Thank you for the suggestion, I'm going to add it in (':

And oh! Thank you. I'm glad you liked it aahhf gieuashkjnd yeah I was going for irony c:

I understand. I carry my guilt with me.
But it's not really a sentiment, in my opinion, it's more of an...obligation?
Sometimes you feel like you have to. Is what I mean (:

Thank you again muffin<3 and take your time! College is swamping me.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-solimnludic In reply to brokenfragilethings [2013-12-03 20:46:34 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, I reread and I got that. I use that wording often, too, ""he said that . . . and that ___ ." so I could see what you meant!
Alrighty then! It's no problem!!

Great!! Haha, I really did...you have such a bright mind & imagination to come up with that!

Aww, Angela...
I see.
Yeah, that makes sense too. I think for me my "valuables" would be a little bit of both.

Welcome! Oh, I hope everything is going great in college! Take care of yourself, hon! Don't worry about getting back to me right away!

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brokenfragilethings In reply to the-solimnludic [2013-12-09 06:52:30 +0000 UTC]

I added the comma! I liked how it fit c:

And aw wow thank you guirheskljfdm,

It's okay (':
I understand!

And ugh, college is stressful haha i should be doing work but I'm writing siGHS

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the-solimnludic In reply to brokenfragilethings [2014-01-03 01:46:17 +0000 UTC]

Yay!! C:

No prob! asfdjlkns C:

(:

Aw man, well, I think writing takes away stress effectively. Just don't distract yourself too much. Not that writing is a distraction...just more of an, indulgence, I guess?
Wishing you all the best!

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i-am-a-bridgewalker [2013-11-30 12:33:47 +0000 UTC]

gotta love when poems can tell whole stories with tiny cut-out slivers. this is pretty cool.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

brokenfragilethings In reply to i-am-a-bridgewalker [2013-12-03 17:43:32 +0000 UTC]

Ah! I'm so glad you like it. Thank you so much!

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