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brokenfragilethings — Star-Crossed
Published: 2013-06-26 06:47:14 +0000 UTC; Views: 619; Favourites: 21; Downloads: 0
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i.You were my paperweight love.
ii.
Rainy days break my heart, she cried.
So sing me the story
of the star-crossed lovers.
iii.
You sucked a bruise into my skin
and I hoped that I could carry you around
forever, but it only lasted a week
until you were gone.
iv.
Star-crossed lovers
don't always have to be requited, he said.
Here is the story of how the sun
fell in love with the moon.
v.
Your fingers pressed music notes
into my ribcage and you
mouthed an apology against my thighs
until I shook with it.
vi.
The sun loved the moon so much,
that he burnt out every night
just to see the moon shine for a few hours.
vii.
I begged you to stay,
but the thing about love is that
it always hurts in the end.
viii.
The moon eventually
fell in love with a star
and the sun died
from a broken heart.
ix.
You were my paperweight love, but
my pages burnt away
along with you.
x.
Star-crossed; A love that is doomed from the start.
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Comments: 13
I'd like to hope this is a good thing!
Thank you, I believe c:
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Good news:
Definitely keep the roman numerals.
Somehow, I see that it works this time. C:
Maybe it is just me, but I don't understand what "paperweight" means.
In ii., I think something should distinguish between the "she cried" and what she is saying. Not necessarily quotation marks. Maybe just un-italicize the "she cried".
Same with the "he said" in iv.
This poem steadily got better as it went along. I went from "Eh, I like it." to "Huh, this is really wonderful! <3"
I think it was vi. and viii. (the story of the sun and the moon) It was beautiful, and tragic. And then at the very end I realized how you connected the tragedy of the moon falling for a star instead, to STAR-crossed.
Wow.
I'm just left hanging for more. I wish you had just added a little more description of the sun, moon, and stars.
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SWEET
SUCCESS! XD
I really, really wanted to give them a go. I know they're overdone, but--I don't know if you've tried, they're also really fun xD
I was actually thinking of making my last numeral the definition of paperweight, but it's basically something that weighs down, well papers. so in my sense, paperweight love held the loose bits of the heart in. They grounded. (Until it left, of course.)
Oh, I think I'm going to use quotes, then. Because, everything in italics is the actual story of the sun and the moon, and everything that isn't is the story of a lost love between humans. It's almost supposed to tie together, a little--I don't know if it came across ><
Oh! I'm glad, then :3 That makes me feel good LOL.
See, I guess it didn't come across as strongly as I wanted--the italics were the 'story', in a sense. It switched back and forth, idk, I TRIED, it didn't do what I wanted it to then XD
But yes! I did c': AHH someone got the star connection EHEHEHEHE I did that right at least LOL.
I wanted it to be a little vague--I feel vagueness gets a feeling of hollowness, which was what I wanted. Empty.
BUT MAYBE I'LL MAKE A STORY ON THE SUN, MOON, AND STARS ONE DAY possibly it sounds cute weh idk
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Haha, great job!
I really should try it someday.
Hmm, that would be cool. Though I don't know if it would make a good replacement for the nice ending you have.
Oh, I never saw it that way with the paperweights.
No, it actually did come across (not the first readthrough, but still) as I reread it and thought about un-italicizing how I told you to.
Haha, yay!
It is a little empty. Cool! No problem!
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Bah! Thank you so much<3
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I'm really glad it came across! Thank you so much<3
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