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Description
you're eleven when he tells you
he loves you
but that he loves her more
because the ribbon looks nicest in her hair
and you think you can understand
because, really, she has great hair
but he kisses her and not you
and you feel like your life is over
and your mom laughs and tells you it'll be okay
because you were only eleven
but it doesn't make it hurt any less
you're only eleven when you realize
your heart is just a touch more tender
than most peoples.
you're twelve years old when you
start to really feel different
start to grab the skin around your
thighs and pull away when he
tries to do it
you're twelve years old when
you think about death
you're thirteen when you think you
might be in love with your best friend
because she makes you feel safe
when no one else can
you're still thirteen and feeling different
has turned into feeling sick
and you cry to yourself in the mirror, watching
your reflection bleed water from its eyes
as if you're watching a movie because
it's you but you can't feel a thing
you're fourteen when you get to high school
and the summer has done nothing but break your heart
because you've lost everything you knew and
you're so alone, and so ugly,
you're so ugly
you're fourteen and you look up depression
you meet him when you're fourteen and a half
and he's dating a girl and they're your friends and
you're so happy for them
you're fifteen when you think you're not
in love with your best friend, because she's not a boy
and you don't feel anything for her
you're fifteen when he breaks up with the girl
and kisses your shoulder and calls you beautiful
you're fifteen and he tells you he loves you
and looks at your floor
and you believe him
but he can't look you in the eye
after he's done touching you
he swallows your heart
and you let him
you turn sixteen and he doesn't
wish you a happy birthday
you're sixteen and he disappeared
leaving nothing but bruises around your neck
and you didn't cry one bit when he never came back
you're sixteen and you realize that you're
not in love with your best friend
because you don't think you can be in love with anyone
because no one's going to love someone
like you, so you might as well stop trying
so you stopped trying
you're sixteen and you want to die
so you slit your wrists in the school bathroom and
you don't cry even when your mother does
you're sixteen and you cry too much but not over yourself
you cry over strangers and moments because your heart
is too big for your hands to press down on
to keep it hidden and safe
you're sixteen and you want to be loved but
not love in return because it's too much of a vulnerability
and you cannot be hurt any longer
you're still sixteen and you want your life to be over
but you smile through counseling and sometimes
let go of the albatross that weighs you down
when you're alone and in the dark
you're finally seventeen and high school is over
and you need to get out of the town
that's possessed by your demons
you're seventeen and you still want to die
but people judge the scars on your wrists so you turn to scratches
because those fade faster
you're seventeen and realize you've wanted to die
since you were thirteen
and the scissors under your bed mean more to you
than anyone else ever did
you're seventeen and you let go of your friends
because you could not be bothered
until you realized you really had no one
and you really needed someone
to keep you alive
you're eighteen when you meet her online and she falls
for you in a few weeks
because she cannot really see you
so you pretend that you're beautiful and bask
in the glory of affection
until you realize you cannot love her
you're eighteen and still don't know how to say no
so you say maybe
and the albatross comes back around your neck
like a noose
guilt settling heavy in your bones because
hurting people makes you hurt and
you're so sorry
you're eighteen and you tell your mother you're fine
kiss her cheek and eat her dinner only to
throw it up outside so she doesn't hear you
and you cry in the shower and grab your stomach
nails digging into skin until the marks are permanent for a while
you're eighteen and no one knows you've been suicidal
for four years straight
and you almost like the pain because
you feel like you deserve it
you're eighteen and you're lonely
but you don't get to have love
you're eighteen and have lost yourself completely
to an illness you couldn't treat
because you did not know how to open your mouth
and ask someone for help
you're eighteen and you wonder what it's like
to be beautiful
and not have to pretend
you're eighteen and you still cry every time you
close your eyes
you're eighteen and your heart has been broken consecutively
since you were eleven
and you're not in love with your best friend
because you cannot be in love
you're eighteen and incomplete
and you're so young but it's been so long
and you're afraid nothing can ever fix you.
you're eighteen and you don't really
care if you make it to nineteen.

Description
you're eleven when he tells you
he loves you
but that he loves her more
because the ribbon looks nicest in her hair
and you think you can understand
because, really, she has great hair
but he kisses her and not you
and you feel like your life is over
and your mom laughs and tells you it'll be okay
because you were only eleven
but it doesn't make it hurt any less
you're only eleven when you realize
your heart is just a touch more tender
than most peoples.
you're twelve years old when you
start to really feel different
start to grab the skin around your
thighs and pull away when he
tries to do it
you're twelve years old when
you think about death
you're thirteen when you think you
might be in love with your best friend
because she makes you feel safe
when no one else can
you're still thirteen and feeling different
has turned into feeling sick
and you cry to yourself in the mirror, watching
your reflection bleed water from its eyes
as if you're watching a movie because
it's you but you can't feel a thing
you're fourteen when you get to high school
and the summer has done nothing but break your heart
because you've lost everything you knew and
you're so alone, and so ugly,
you're so ugly
you're fourteen and you look up depression
you meet him when you're fourteen and a half
and he's dating a girl and they're your friends and
you're so happy for them
you're fifteen when you think you're not
in love with your best friend, because she's not a boy
and you don't feel anything for her
you're fifteen when he breaks up with the girl
and kisses your shoulder and calls you beautiful
you're fifteen and he tells you he loves you
and looks at your floor
and you believe him
but he can't look you in the eye
after he's done touching you
he swallows your heart
and you let him
you turn sixteen and he doesn't
wish you a happy birthday
you're sixteen and he disappeared
leaving nothing but bruises around your neck
and you didn't cry one bit when he never came back
you're sixteen and you realize that you're
not in love with your best friend
because you don't think you can be in love with anyone
because no one's going to love someone
like you, so you might as well stop trying
so you stopped trying
you're sixteen and you want to die
so you slit your wrists in the school bathroom and
you don't cry even when your mother does
you're sixteen and you cry too much but not over yourself
you cry over strangers and moments because your heart
is too big for your hands to press down on
to keep it hidden and safe
you're sixteen and you want to be loved but
not love in return because it's too much of a vulnerability
and you cannot be hurt any longer
you're still sixteen and you want your life to be over
but you smile through counseling and sometimes
let go of the albatross that weighs you down
when you're alone and in the dark
you're finally seventeen and high school is over
and you need to get out of the town
that's possessed by your demons
you're seventeen and you still want to die
but people judge the scars on your wrists so you turn to scratches
because those fade faster
you're seventeen and realize you've wanted to die
since you were thirteen
and the scissors under your bed mean more to you
than anyone else ever did
you're seventeen and you let go of your friends
because you could not be bothered
until you realized you really had no one
and you really needed someone
to keep you alive
you're eighteen when you meet her online and she falls
for you in a few weeks
because she cannot really see you
so you pretend that you're beautiful and bask
in the glory of affection
until you realize you cannot love her
you're eighteen and still don't know how to say no
so you say maybe
and the albatross comes back around your neck
like a noose
guilt settling heavy in your bones because
hurting people makes you hurt and
you're so sorry
you're eighteen and you tell your mother you're fine
kiss her cheek and eat her dinner only to
throw it up outside so she doesn't hear you
and you cry in the shower and grab your stomach
nails digging into skin until the marks are permanent for a while
you're eighteen and no one knows you've been suicidal
for four years straight
and you almost like the pain because
you feel like you deserve it
you're eighteen and you're lonely
but you don't get to have love
you're eighteen and have lost yourself completely
to an illness you couldn't treat
because you did not know how to open your mouth
and ask someone for help
you're eighteen and you wonder what it's like
to be beautiful
and not have to pretend
you're eighteen and you still cry every time you
close your eyes
you're eighteen and your heart has been broken consecutively
since you were eleven
and you're not in love with your best friend
because you cannot be in love
you're eighteen and incomplete
and you're so young but it's been so long
and you're afraid nothing can ever fix you.
you're eighteen and you don't really
care if you make it to nineteen.