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brokenfragilethings — breaking and entering [NSFW]
Published: 2015-10-25 19:10:30 +0000 UTC; Views: 818; Favourites: 20; Downloads: 0
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Description you wake up with a nightmare in your throat,
pastel panties coiled around one leg:
a break-in.

there is a moment in this dream where
nothing is real, where your tears are the color
of his sweat, where your voice is gossamer.
where your hands are fireflies, mouth a meadow.

in this dream he is an intruder, an Entity,
you burn the ouija board blankets, pull down the blinds,
exorcize him from the blood on your thighs.
in this dream, he disappears.

you wake up with a nightmare in your throat,
pastel panties coiled around one leg:
b & e.
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brokenfragilethings - 01.
Comments: 8

pansydiv [2017-03-06 15:18:37 +0000 UTC]

to be honest i like the all-over-the-place-ishness? there's something so disjointed about this, like a series of unconnected thoughts rather than a flowing thing, but that's what i love about it. 

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

brokenfragilethings In reply to pansydiv [2017-05-04 02:56:43 +0000 UTC]

you think? that was a bit what i was going for,
especially since dreams are usually very scattered,
but i didn't know if it read well.

i'm happy it does!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

pansydiv In reply to brokenfragilethings [2017-05-12 21:27:13 +0000 UTC]

mm, it's staccato and disjointed and beautiful <3

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

azuline-furcula [2016-09-01 05:28:54 +0000 UTC]

i second the earlier suggestion, perhaps the line could be something along the lines of this: 

you wake up with a nightmare in your throat,
breathing ragged, 
pastel panties coiled around one leg:
b & e.

regardless of future edits, i really enjoyed this piece. 

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

brokenfragilethings In reply to azuline-furcula [2016-09-03 03:37:20 +0000 UTC]

thank you so much! i really like the direction you offered, and i'll definitely play around with some edits in those areas. Thank you! <3 

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

azuline-furcula In reply to brokenfragilethings [2016-09-03 07:08:26 +0000 UTC]

my pleasure.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

LoveDoesNotExist [2015-11-12 13:40:44 +0000 UTC]

I like this piece. I feel that there should be an extra sentence in between '...your throat' and 'pastel panties...'. To keep more in rhythm with the flow.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

brokenfragilethings In reply to LoveDoesNotExist [2016-03-11 16:05:51 +0000 UTC]

thank you for the suggestion! I haven't made any revisions yet, but that's because i'm working through some ideas. were you thinking it should be in both spots, and the same line? I had an idea of repetition going, and that was something i wanted to keep. Maybe I should include whatever I come up with in the first stanza as well?

Thanks again!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0