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brokenfragilethings — eleven
Published: 2014-01-20 01:34:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 421; Favourites: 26; Downloads: 0
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Description you told me that you loved me
even as i whispered
one day, i'll forget your eyes
and you, mine

but you kissed me, then,
kissed the words right from
my mouth
until i asked you
if you were going to miss
my warm browns

you told me
you'd forever miss
the sweetness they dripped
like melting chocolate

it broke my heart––
my
  eyes
       are
           blue.
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Comments: 6

Mythiril [2014-03-14 20:54:48 +0000 UTC]


hi there, your lovely work has been featured here: March Feature

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

brokenfragilethings In reply to Mythiril [2014-03-24 17:17:35 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much for this honor! I'm going to go check out the work. (:

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Mythiril In reply to brokenfragilethings [2014-03-24 22:57:23 +0000 UTC]

you're welcome

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

the-solimnludic [2014-01-27 02:37:31 +0000 UTC]

Gosh.

That ending is the kind that just takes your breath away.
Really clever job of setting it up then shattering it at the last stanza.
The jagged, displaced formatting fit the tone well when I read it in my mind.
Very intimate, and very very lovely poem.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

brokenfragilethings In reply to the-solimnludic [2014-01-31 16:38:53 +0000 UTC]

oh my goodness! I thought this was one of my weaker pieces.

I still might go and revise it, because something's not sitting right with me--
later, though. Because I can't figure out what.

Thank you so much<3

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-solimnludic In reply to brokenfragilethings [2014-03-01 22:12:15 +0000 UTC]

Oh no, not at all!! This is anything but a weak piece! I found it really clever, actually.

Reading it again, it's a little strange to ask someone if they'll miss your "warm browns", if you word it like that. Though I thought the concept with the eyes was really clever, and I can't think of another way to phrase the question. So if you can't either, I would just preserve it the way it is.

Really, it's no problem! You deserve more praise on this one!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0