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Published: 2004-06-15 01:54:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 449; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 7
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Security TycoonBy the Caustic Git
Joseph’s security business had taken off quickly after Mariel Dunne, The Arches, and the Ntengis all took out very expensive accounts with him and started spreading the word around. It seemed as though every nation and major organization in the world wanted the privilege of Joseph’s expertise and he was forced to turn many down, or schedule others into the far distant future. His work was unparalleled by any other company, and it was becoming common knowledge that if it wasn’t an Addison system, it just wasn’t secure.
However, the standard by which Joseph decided which clients to handle and which to decline was a strict one. He would have no dealings with any organization known to be underhanded, dishonest, or otherwise ethically objectionable. It was as good a standard as any.
Unfortunately, those people he offended by declining were the very people it was least wise to offend.
It was a cool night in November when Kyla Addison tucked her oldest children into bed and kissed them good night. It was Devon’s bed time, but Paulette, much younger at only five, had spent the time between her bedtime and his looking at picture books by the light coming through her doorway from the hall and living room. Kyla was most displeased when she discovered her and promptly packed both children off to bed and firmly shut off the light, but left the door only half way open this time. She had stopped closing it in the first place when she found Paulette turning her light back on to ‘read’.
Kyla waited until she was certain both were too tired to go anywhere before returning to the living room to continue watching old classics on late-night television and trying to pass the time before her ridiculously loveable husband returned home. Joseph was away on yet another business trip, this time to South America, where he was overseeing the initial installment of a new system. She was immensely proud of him and how he had essentially built his business from scratch and in only a few years become a household name, but when he was away, she wished with all her heart for him to be home. It wasn’t that she was afraid to be home alone, or that the children were a handful. She just missed him.
They had lived in the same small, one-story house in Scotland for all of the 11 years they had been married. It and they had survived five pregnancies, one miscarriage, a blizzard, and the start of Joseph’s growing business. It had fit their needs perfectly in the beginning; a quaint, cozy little place for the two of them to enjoy one another’s company in. After Kyla’s miscarriage of their first child, it had suddenly seemed vacant and hollow, but they continued on, and with the birth of Devon, it became full once more. Two years later they consciously tried again for a second child, and Paulette helped to round out their now foursome. Two boys, two girls, two bedrooms, and thankfully two baths. The addition of a second son rather tipped the balance out of their favor however, and when the following year a spontaneous night over a bottle of celebratory champagne brought on a third little boy, the house was becoming positively cramped.
It was becoming clear with each passing day that they needed to move. It wasn’t as though they couldn’t afford it anymore, not like in the old days when they were first starting out. They had been meaning to for the last three years, but somehow couldn’t find the time to go house hunting amongst Joseph’s work and the raising of four rambunctious, if good-hearted, children. Paulette really needed a room of her own, and three boys would need lots of room as well, if not two. Not to mention that Kyla and Joseph had sacrificed their study years ago and were still trying to work out of the dining room. Their only saving grace at the moment was that Kyla had the luxury of staying home with the children for as long as she wanted, which would most likely be until Ryan, the youngest, was well situated in school.
Kyla yawned, having buried herself into the corner of the couch atop a few cushions and blankets while she flipped through magazines and half paid attention to an episode of The Wonder Years. She glanced at the clock and sighed. It really was getting late. Joseph would be home sometime the next afternoon, and this time tomorrow, she would be firmly wrapped up in her husband’s arms and warm as toast. With a sudden wave of self-pity, she sulked and sank further into the couch. She wished he were there NOW to hug her and kiss her and wheedle her into bed, reminding her she’d be cranky the next morning if she didn’t. Sadly, she had only herself to work as her conscience, and so, feeling a bit depressed, she shut off the television and light and made for bed.
Having checked once more on the children (thankfully all asleep), and set an example for no one awake enough to see by brushing her teeth, she slipped out of her winter nightgown and between the bed sheets. They were cool and smooth against her skin, chilled by the November air, and she snuggled down so she could start to warm up. Her lashes drooped from loneliness rather than fatigue as no resistance met her abduction of the blankets. She didn’t need to look over her shoulder to know the other side of the bed was empty. It felt empty. It was empty. She sighed, knowing it was going to be another long night.
After a time, she did manage to drift off to sleep, despite feeling so alone in the otherwise empty bed. The soft breathing of her beloved children in the next room was not quite loud enough to drive away the deafening silence that seemed to fill the house in these early hours of the morning while the clock by the door ticked away the minutes.
No one was awake to notice when all the small pinpricks of light scattered around the house that indicated that the many electronics such as phone, VCR and microwave were still quietly humming and waiting to be used, went out. No one noticed the unnatural silence that pervaded without the soft presence of machinery they had come to rely on.
Especially when the little panel on the box that was hooked up to the security system, too, winked out.
After a moment, it flickered back to life, backup power supply on hand. But the damage was done. Within the space of only a few clock ticks, it was dead again, and no use to the unsuspecting family sleeping within.
It was as simple as using a copied key to unlock the front door.
The children were completely preoccupied in their soft slumber, not knowing of anything that could possibly cause them harm. They had always felt safe, and with excellent reason. They slept on. Kyla, who had never found it easy to sleep a night without her husband after their marriage, had drifted into a deep, almost dreamless sleep that she rarely woke fully rested from. She didn’t even stir.
The silent, heavily cloaked figures slipped inside and spread out through the small building, making their way steadily into living room, kitchen, dining room, and at last… bedrooms. Several set to work sifting through the files awkwardly stacked in the dining room, skipping past receipts for the grocery store stapled to old credit reports and going straight for what was locked in the metal cabinets standing along the walls. They had both detested those cabinets. They hated having work spill into a place that was meant for relaxing and digestion, but there hadn’t been any other option.
The sound of the thin metal echoing as they bumped into it in the total darkness at last woke Kyla. She frowned without opening her eyes and then glanced at her clock, only to find that the LCD was dark. No power. With sick certainly, she realized with a flash what had happened. The electricity was gone, the security was dead, and someone was in the house.
She fought down the panic that was her instinctual reaction and lay still, trying to listen and get an idea of who it was and what they were doing. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried not to cry. ‘Please… not the children…’ Thankfully, she could hear no sounds of children crying or calling for her… but perhaps that was worse. Silently, she slipped out of bed and pressed against the wall closest to her bedroom door, to see as well as to hear.
Damn the darkness. She could barely make out forms shifting in the pitch-blackness ahead, but without the aid of even half a moon, they might as well have been her imagination. The low hum of whispers made her skin crawl, however, and she knew they were real. She quickly mapped out in her head the floor plan of the house, including exactly where her children would be and what exits were closest. If the security system were down, the window by Kieran and Devon’s bed might be just the trick. Ryan would be in the crib in the corner, and Paulette had the top bunk over her brothers. If Kyla could only sneak down the hallway to get to them…
Abruptly, one of the shadows began to stride down the hallway towards her and panic once again gripped her. Her life and the lives of her children were dreadfully at stake, and she had no way to defend them.
The figure came brusquely towards her and seemed to know exactly where she was, for it roughly grabbed her arm and jerked her away from the wall only to swing her around and against the door frame, slamming her back into it and making her gasp in pain. She glared up at it defiantly and as her sight grew better and better in the dark, she was able to make out the glimmer of plastic covering the place his eyes should be. Goggles. Infrared. Night vision. It might as well have been day to him.
She stared that hard, unrelenting plastic down, refusing to give in. “What do you want?” He didn’t answer her, but turned to his colleagues and spoke in a tongue she couldn’t understand. But she did recognize it. She quickly tried to imprint the syllables into her brain, to repeat back to someone later- if there was a later.
Another figure made for the room leading to the second bedroom and without having to think about it, she swiftly punched the man holding her and ran at the other to stop him. No one was going to hurt her children. No one. Unfortunately, in the dark, she couldn’t see his fist rise to slam into her gut in time to react and she lurched backward against the wall, breath knocked flat out of her. As she wheezed, he stood over her and hissed in a thick accent, “Your husband is going to be very sorry he turned down our employer. Very sorry. Do not make him more sorry.” He pulled back to let her breathe a little and swiftly kicked her feet out from under her, knocking her to the ground.
“Damn you,” Kyla hissed, feeling rug burn flare up on her wrists as she caught herself. Then her heart skipped a beat as a small voice wafted through the darkness, keening and worried.
“Mommy? I’m scared…”
Kyla took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to make her voice as calm and steady as possible. Tried to mask the pain and fear and hopelessness she really felt. “Paully, honey, go back to sleep…”
“Mama?”
She squeezed her eyes shut and prayed to her husband’s precious God that this wasn’t happening. ‘Not Devon, too… Please, don’t hurt them… They’re all so young… Ryan’s barely two…’ “Go back to sleep.”
“But-“
“Devon, I said, go back to sleep.”
“Mommy…” Kieran was crying. She should have known she could never fool them.
“It’s going to be alright… go back to sleep…” She glared up at the man standing over her with the most intense hatred she had ever felt for anyone in her life. He had the audacity to smirk at her, triumphant. If looks could kill, he would be eviscerated and his guts strewn over the Himalayas. If her children weren’t listening, she would have thrown every curse in the book at him. Bastard.
Outside the house, down the little cement path that carved out a place in the quaint, sleeping garden from curb to doorstep, and pausing on the street before it, a taxi pulled away. It left behind a tall man with broad shoulders and long hair that he kept trailing down his back in a thick, well cared for braid. He pulled his coat tighter around his large but not heavy frame, and picked up his suitcase with a light heart. He was going to surprise her and come home early; be the one to tickle them awake the next day and be brutally assaulted by an overeager show of affection. It was perfect, really. Should have been.
Too bad it wouldn’t ever be again.
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Comments: 3
fyehroqs-fugue [2004-06-17 04:09:46 +0000 UTC]
Not bad overall.
I find it interesting that you used a short story to tell a suspence/action tale. Typically, that doesn't work without a really nice resolution. You skip the resolution, but have a very nice ending twist, which I think helps make it worthwhile to read. So ironic that the one time he comes home early is the time it doesn't matter.
Some suggestions though:
I don't think the introductory material is well placed, and I don't think the line of "Unfortunately, those people he offended by declining were the very people it was least wise to offend" should be there at all. By placing that into the beginning you take all the punch out of the later lines of the entering thugs. If you had left it out, then the reason for the breaking and entering is a complete mystery to the reader and the revelation of the reason is an "Oh, so -that's- it!" instead of "You already told us that."
But once that line is removed the introductory material is a little out of place. It might work better to be inserted midway as a small clump of exposition that you can work through Kyla's thoughts.
Also along the lines of the expectations of the reader, I think you might better end the story right after you say "It was perfect, really." Right there the irony hits hard and all the stuff after it just works at explaining the irony. I might see why you put that in though (to explain that it doesn't work out as well as it could), but that might be explained better by letting him come the following morning, still earlier than expected, or somehow showing that time did pass so he's too late.
Prose-wise, I thought you did an excellent job. My only bone to pick was that you are overly fond of the phrase "it was". A few times you use it to good effect, like:
"It was perfect, really;" or, "It was as simple as using a copied key to unlock the front door."
However, the other times you use it, you don't provide us with any knowledge with what -it- is until we've read the sentence, so the words are just hanging there. You could save words and build the tension up by rewriting the sentences that leave "it" hanging (pun unintended, but I think it works).
Really good job!
Hope to see more!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
causticgit In reply to fyehroqs-fugue [2004-06-17 16:21:10 +0000 UTC]
THANK YOU! This is the sort of comment I live for- honest, and full of advice from someone who clearly knows what they are talking about.
This was written at least two years ago, so I know that there's plenty that needs improving- but I'm still attached to it to be able to step back and say what needs to be changed. You've given me a LOT of help identifying problems- as well as themes I should be aware of in my current writing (such as the "it was"... I know I used to do that often, so I'm going to take a look at what I'm writing now to make sure I've moved beyond it).
I think part of the reason the exposition is in the wrong places may be because I originally intended the piece to be part of a novel, and then realized it made a decent short story. I didn't go through and revise it so it worked as a short story, however, and at the time I hadn't taken any writing classes so I doubt I would have been able to.
Thank you for your encouragement! I wasn't sure how well this stood on its own, but now I'll revise it and give it a second shot at life.
My sincerest thanks.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
fyehroqs-fugue In reply to causticgit [2004-06-17 18:50:04 +0000 UTC]
You're quite welcome. And if there's anything else you'd like me to take a look at, feel free to ask.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0