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The moment the question fell from her lips, Kanda Yuu knew their mission was instantly about to get troublesome.
The Japanese exorcist tried to convince his partner that it - the thing in the alley - was nothing. Just a tossed fur hat, or whatever. But Shiroyama Rei? Shiroyama Rei was not to be deterred. The young woman zeroed in on the area she'd heard the pitiful cry from and, without hesitation, reached a dainty hand into the old, nasty wooden crate placed at the entrance to the little alley they'd just been passing by.
Kanda deadpanned as Rei immediately broke into coos and cuddles. When she straightened and turned around, there was a pathetically mewling, dirty scrap of fur cupped in her hands. Rei looked up at Kanda, and Kanda glared down at Rei.
The battle of wills started with hopeful, doe-brown eyes, paired with an appealing smile. Kanda's own eyes narrowed sharply in response.
"No."
Rei's expression amped up a few notches. She even added the slightest bit of a head tilt. Unfortunately for her, the puppy dog face had about the same effect on Kanda as it would when thrown at a grizzly bear. He was not to be persuaded.
"No."
-- and that, that was when Kanda Yuu received The Look*.
Here's the thing about female exorcists: they, more often than not, got their way. It was simply something men eventually came to understand upon joining the Black Order. Many of these women could seem easily pushed around or weak -- the crying when anyone died, the goody-goody get-along-everyone spiel, the caring way too damn much about everyone and everything** -- but being on the receiving end of an Innocence-powered stiletto heel? That quickly obliterated any notion those women couldn't stand their ground, and damn well defend that ground, when they got determined about something.
The other thing about female exorcists, though, was that they didn't need to resort to physical violence to get their way, and this was the part that put Kanda Yuu off-kilter. He understood physical responses and sharp insults perfectly fine; it was the witty tongue-lashings and mind games he couldn't keep up with. Unfortunately women, as he had found, excelled in these. They could rip up one side of you and down the other with words alone, talk you into dizzying circles until you were unknowingly acquiescing to what they wanted, or - worst of all - play mind games as punishment for not letting them get their way; and there really wasn't all that much you could do to contend with it.
So when Shiroyama Rei gave Kanda The Look - the one that signaled if he didn't let her have her way she would be most displeased and therefore Kanda would be very displeased as well - the grumpy Japanese decided it just wasn't worth making her throw away that damned, disgustingly mangy kitten she'd just picked up off the cobblestone streets. He would much rather save himself the trouble of her being upset with him all through the mission and then later finding his room back at the Black Order invaded by passive-aggressive flowers again.
Or worse.
Women. Such bleeding hearts.
So, yes. Kanda relented. It didn't mean he wasn't grumpy about it, though; and when Rei cooed again at the purring, scrappy kitten in her arms as they were walking to their hotel, the moody Japanese couldn't contain himself and "tch"ed darkly at the both of them.
"I'm not sharing my bed with that thing," Kanda said, voice just above a growl.
"Well, it's a good thing we sleep in separate rooms then, isn't it?" Rei said lightly, not missing a beat.
Kanda twitched at the underlying tease in his partner's voice and shot a narrowed, side-eye glare at the mangy kitten as if it were all its fault - because as far as Kanda was concerned, it was.
The little bastard had the gall to purr even louder.
Animals weren't allowed at the quaint, two-story hostel the Black Order had booked for them that night. Kanda was pleased that he would get his way after all, up until Rei batted her eyelashes at the owner and the man caved faster than the Stupid Beansprout when offered candy .
The hotel owner fled quickly under Kanda's scowl - Rei only laughed when it was directed at her.
Damned woman.
It took about an hour - and Kanda nearly busted a vein when Rei asked (in jest) if she could borrow Mugen to cut some tangles out of the kitten's fur - but finally the tiny creature was bathed, brushed, fed, and napping contently in Rei's lap.
Now sitting on the edge of her hotel room's bed, Rei smoothed her slender fingers through some of the patchy bits of the kitten's fur, subtly combing for any injuries, but found nothing more than protruding ribs from lack of food. She smiled, satisfied with her work.
Kanda, who was leaning on the frame of the door to her room, huffed impatiently. "Are you done?"
Rei hummed in affirmative, shooting an amused look at her temperamental companion, and set the kitten down on the pillow of her bed. It mewled a bit but continued to nap, otherwise undisturbed by the shift.
The two exorcists proceeded to leave the hotel room, their overcoats off to reveal their eye-catching uniforms. As she shut the door behind them both, though, Rei paused and turned to Kanda.
Rei was perfectly aware that Kanda wasn't the type to wait up for anyone -- ever. He was far more inclined to leave people behind, including herself too, and that he hadn't this time around made her both curious and appreciative.
"Thank you for waiting," Rei told Kanda, her voice sincere. Smiling up at him, she added, "I'll make up for the time I wasted."
Kanda side-eyed her for a moment, his dark navy gaze giving nothing away, then "hnn"ed. As far as he was concerned, Kanda still thought picking up the kitten was stupid, but he could accept the peace-offering for what it was. Rei rarely goofed off when it came to the seriousness of missions; it was why partnering with her was far more palatable than with, say, the Stupid Beansprout or Stupid Rabbit. So long as she didn't waste any more time on that useless furball, the Japanese could overlook it.
"Whatever. We're going," Kanda said, and Rei nodded.
Golems fluttering silently by their heads, the two exorcists headed out together as night fell over the modest town. Starlight glittered above them, and eerie lamp-light lit their way. They had several locations to check out tonight; if all went well, they'd find the monsters hiding out here and dispatch them in time to actually get some shut-eye before sunrise.
The thing about Akuma is that they aren't the brightest tools in the Earl's murder shed. A Dark Matter skeleton powered by a soul battery shoved into human skin, sure, but as far as anyone was aware, definitely no brains in those artificial skulls. Even if they had physical brains, they'd be shriveled up anyway by their insatiable bloodlust, mixed with the Earl's own personal brand of insanity and... quirkiness.
So with that said, it isn't really all that uncommon for exorcists to come across some very odd, and certainly unorthodox, enemy confrontations.
Where does this come in, you my ask? Well, as morning dawned, the sun peeking up over the horizon and the birds chattering away, Kanda Yuu and Shiroyama Rei arrived back at the hostel from an utterly boring, utterly unsuccessful night patrol to find three strangers in Rei's room.
It didn't take Allen's cursed left eye or Kanda's weird-ass "Spidy-sense" for anyone emanating bloodlust*** to conclude they had to be Akumas.
But, as was prone to happen every once in a while, the two tired exorcists didn't immediately react. Instead, they opted to take a bewildered moment to process the ridiculous scene before them.
There were three Akumas: a balding, elderly man; a buxom ginger in nothing less than a prostitute's attire; and a richly dressed, blond teenager. The Akumas disguised within the balding old coot and the buxom ginger were over by Rei's bed cooing over the kitten she'd left there. The kitten itself, ridiculously enough, was on its back with its little paws batting playfully at teasing fingers, blissfully and thoroughly enjoying the attention without a lick of concern for its dangerous origins.
The Akuma that was the blond teenager, meanwhile, was at the hotel room window, whining with all the bitchiness of the pampered rich boy he was wearing that his comrades needed to get their freakin' priorities straight.
He was dutifully ignored by them both.
"Look at iiiit!" squealed Buxom Ginger, cradling the kitten in her currently human hands. "He's so fluffy!"
"A handsome kitty, aren't you?" agreed Old Coot, tickling the kitten's tummy with a gnarled finger. The little furball mewl-meowed in delight.
Whiny Blond was not impressed by this display. Face pinched and eyes narrowed, he glowered at his companions, hissing, "Seriously? Don't you want to ambush the exorcists?!"
Buxom Ginger rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, o'course we do."
"I shall enjoy removing their limbs," added Old Coot.
"Then stop petting their damn cat already and get back into position," seethed Whiny Blond. "Preferably before they get back!"
". . . a little late for that, I think," Rei interjected, bemused.
The three Akumas squawked in alarm. Like children caught with their hands in the cookie jar, they quickly spun around to see their two intended targets at the door.
"Exorcists! When'd they get here?!"
"Oh my, how terribly inconvenient."
"It doesn't matter, just kill them already!"
Kanda rolled his eyes, unsheathing his Innocence katana Mugen. "Che, idiots."
Immediately the hostel room lit up with brilliant blues and dreadful purples, Innocence Activating on one side and mechanical bodies contorting swiftly out of human skin on the other--
"WAIT!" cried out Buxom Ginger.
Everyone froze. It was more out of surprise than a desire to listen, and they all stared at the half-formed Akuma in mixed confusion.
"The kitten!" Buxom Ginger said, holding the little feline up in emphasis.
Kanda and Whiny Blond glared daggers in unison at her. The latter hissed, "Seriously?!"
"Yes!" insisted Buxom Ginger, indignant. "Someone should hold 'im, ya know, make sure he doesn't get hurt..."
The kitten mewled as if in agreement. Whiny Blond wasn't in an agreeing mood.
"Fuck that!" He lifted his mutated guns for hands and went to fire-- Buxom Ginger shrieked-- Old Coot chastised Whiny Blond's language-- the barrels lit up as Akuma bullets prepared to rain down upon them all-- and two opaque, glittering blue blades cut through Whiny Blond like a hot knife through butter.
He exploded.
When the poisonous smoke cleared, Rei was revealed, crouched where Whiny Blond had been. "Now, then," the female exorcist said calmly, smoothly standing up straight and turning to the remaining two, very startled Akumas. She motioned to the kitten between them, her Innocence already Deactivated. "May I?"
Passed between the Akumas, the fuzzy little feline was handed over to Rei gently and without complaint by Old Coot's large, half-formed claws. Rei smiled in gratitude at him - to which his Akuma mask spluttered and blushed (much to Kanda's utter disgust) - and then Rei turned and handed the kitten to Kanda (much to Kanda's definite alarm).
"Will you protect him, Kanda? I'll make this quick," Rei said. Her smile was brighter towards Kanda than it had been for Old Coot, and perhaps that was the reason why the moody Japanese didn't immediately throw her a "hell no" and instead, almost as if on autopilot, accepted the stupid scrap of fur.
It was only once Rei turned around with a whirl of her long brown hair - Soul Blades flaring back into full length, glassy glowing blades - that Kanda realized he'd just been benched on babysitting duty. He scowled indignantly after the young woman. "Oi!"
Rei gave her partner an (un)apologetic wave. The little creature would be safest with Kanda.
"Shall we?" Rei said, turning back to the Akumas.
Buxom Ginger grinned viciously as the rest of her human face melted away. "Winner gets the kitten!"
"Allow me the honour of removing your limbs," chipped in Old Coot.
The fight commenced. For Rei and the Akumas, that is. With Mugen in one hand and a fuzzy kitten in the other, Kanda was left to glower with annoyance in the background, effectively sidelined. The kitten purred in his grip, the little rumbling sound in its chest somehow completely and unrealistically audible even over the peppering gun shots and crashing bodies of the battle underway in front of them. It reminded Kanda of the Stupid Beansprout's growling stomach, which only soured his mood further.
A sharp whistling had Kanda snapping Mugen forward at lightning speed, and a poisonous Akuma bullet ricocheted away. He had to duck the next one, slightly off balance in form with the kitten in his grasp. Then the sounds of confused shouts and screams started up from the hostel's other boarders, reminding Kanda that an evacuation was in order and he had no Finder on this mission to dump that job on.
Whatever. If the idiots didn't run from obvious danger and died, that was their fault.
"Mreow?"
... but he still had to protect the damn furball.
"Tch!" The Japanese exorcist tucked the still stupidly purring kitten into his open collar (his golem twittered unhappily but he ignored it) and exited the battle-filled hotel room, his coattails billowing out behind him. Going down the steps two at a time to the ground floor, Kanda conveniently ran into the panicked owner of the hostel - unfortunately said owner's first assumption was that Kanda was the one going on a murderous rampage (it probably didn't help Mugen was still unsheathed), and the annoyed exorcist had to grab the middle-aged man by the collar and shake him thoroughly before he'd listen to him.
"There are demons attacking, idiot! Be useful and get everyone out."
And with that, Kanda left the building. Just in time, too, as a crowd of people finally with their wits about them poured out after him.
Now, while Akuma didn't have much for brains, on occasion they did get lucky.
Apparently Old Coot, Buxom Ginger, and Whiny Blond had had a fourth member in their motley Akuma crew, one who was strategically placed outside of the hotel (this is a convenient alternative fact; in reality, the Akuma simply arrived stupidly late, heard the fighting, and decided to hide). Kanda walked right into it when he entered the alley across the street from the hostel, too distracted by the kitten jostling around in his uniform jacket to immediately notice the Dark Matter machine lurking in the shadows before him.
This situation could have become the occasional case of Akuma luck where the hiding murder machine takes advantage of the sheer rarity of catching an exorcist by surprise and immediately slaughters them. Instead, the opportunity was wasted spectacularly as the Akuma's excited bloodlust overrode its sense, aka, any modicum of intelligence it could have possibly possessed and exercised.
"Exorcist!!" it shrieked, promptly giving away its position.
Kanda looked up - utterly unimpressed - at the monstrously tall, centipede-like Level Two leering giddily down at him. Then the killing machine's large, bulbous eyes zeroed in on the little wiggling, fluffy butt poking out of Kanda's overcoat collar.
The towering Akuma blinked rapidly in confusion.
"...is that a kitten?"
( To cut the Akumas in this story some slack, the kitten really is that adorable, and distracting. It has something to do with the fluffy, clumsy body; the big, round eyes; the lil murder mitts; and - of course - the pudgy lil toe beans. )
Back inside the hostel, Rei looked over the scorched and Pentagram-stained remnants of her room: the collapsed bed, the torn-up couch, the ripped up carpet, and the other shattered odds and ends strewn about. She ran a hand through her long hair, wincing at a bruise on her head, and smiled sheepishly.
Oh, well. The Order would foot the bill. Knowing Supervisor Komui, he'd be more relieved that the entire building hadn't been destroyed. Or multiple buildings, as was often the case...
Rei deactivated her Innocence, Soul Blades. She took the time to dust herself off and gather her discarded uniform sleeves, then she left a note with a kind tip on what remained of a coffee table and walked out and down the hall with both hers and Kanda's suitcases.
Upon exiting the evacuated building, Rei met the hostel owner outside. He was bit of a mess, his toupée askew, his work uniform rumpled, and his face sweaty. He didn't shout at her as she expected, though - which Rei was grateful for - and she was pleasantly surprised when he shook her hand and thanked her for destroying the "demons."
"Nobody got hurt, thank God," the owner added, still a bit out of breath from running around. "Demons! Who would'a thought? Your scary friend warned me as 'e was leaving - I managed to get everyone out early thanks to 'im."
Rei perked up. "Kanda? Did you see where he went?"
"Er-- actually, I'm not entirely sure..."
B O O M !
Rei and the hostel owner whirled around in alarm. Plumes of smoke belched forth from an alley in between two buildings across the street. Rei was just preparing to sprint towards it when Kanda stalked out of the noxious clouds, slashing Mugen to the side to whip what had to be the inky black of Akuma oil off it. The annoyed-looking Japanese sheathed his katana as he stepped fully into the cobblestone street and into the sunlight.
Rei breathed out a sigh of relief, smiling at Kanda as he caught sight of her and joined her by the hostel owner.
The two exorcists did their usual wrap-up routine - or, well, Rei did; Kanda didn't play well with others. Postal addresses were exchanged for financial compensation from the Order, gratitude and well-wishing shared, etc, etc. Once that was all done, Rei handed Kanda his suitcase and they began the long walk to the closest train station.
It was only just as they were leaving the town's limit that Rei remembered something important.
"Oh! The kitten!"
Kanda turned to his fellow exorcist in disgruntled confusion, then remembrance dawned on his face as well. And it was at that moment a familiar, fuzzy, adorable little head popped up out of Kanda's collar, just under his chin, and mewled.
Kanda looked down at the kitten blankly. The kitten looked up at him and purred.
Then Kanda's golem popped out of his collar too, twittering angrily and jealously at the kitten.
Kanda looked so utterly nonplussed that Rei burst into laughter.
3 Hours Later
"Is that a kitten?" inquired the elderly train ticket lady, eyeing her next customer's jacket collar in surprise.
To her alarm, the pretty Asian man all but ripped the creature - which was most certainly a kitten - out from where it'd seemingly taken stubborn residence in his clothes, then shoved it over the ticket desk and into her wrinkled hands.
"Keep it," the man hissed, ignoring his female companion breaking into a giggle fit behind him.
A minute later and the elderly ticket lady watched the odd foreign couple board the train with their (apparently free) tickets, uncertain as to whether to call out to them or not.
After all, the kitten had leapt out of her hands and back onto the man just as they were leaving her booth, and he hadn't seemed to have noticed.

* The Look, a feminine power of expression which comes in many varieties and degrees, but which always communicates without fail: DANGER, DO NOT CROSS. You can pair it with the phrase "if mom isn't happy, no one is happy."
** All of these qualities do indeed apply to a certain Beansprout. Allen Walker, as far as Kanda is concerned, is an honorary female.
*** --not to be confused with Kanda's weird-ass "Spidy-sense" for Allen due to deeply ingrained murderous impulses directed towards the Beansprout. And "Spidey-sense" is a shameless reference to Spider-Man. (Who wouldn't want to see Kanda Yuu's ass in hero spandex?).

Description
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The moment the question fell from her lips, Kanda Yuu knew their mission was instantly about to get troublesome.
The Japanese exorcist tried to convince his partner that it - the thing in the alley - was nothing. Just a tossed fur hat, or whatever. But Shiroyama Rei? Shiroyama Rei was not to be deterred. The young woman zeroed in on the area she'd heard the pitiful cry from and, without hesitation, reached a dainty hand into the old, nasty wooden crate placed at the entrance to the little alley they'd just been passing by.
Kanda deadpanned as Rei immediately broke into coos and cuddles. When she straightened and turned around, there was a pathetically mewling, dirty scrap of fur cupped in her hands. Rei looked up at Kanda, and Kanda glared down at Rei.
The battle of wills started with hopeful, doe-brown eyes, paired with an appealing smile. Kanda's own eyes narrowed sharply in response.
"No."
Rei's expression amped up a few notches. She even added the slightest bit of a head tilt. Unfortunately for her, the puppy dog face had about the same effect on Kanda as it would when thrown at a grizzly bear. He was not to be persuaded.
"No."
-- and that, that was when Kanda Yuu received The Look*.
Here's the thing about female exorcists: they, more often than not, got their way. It was simply something men eventually came to understand upon joining the Black Order. Many of these women could seem easily pushed around or weak -- the crying when anyone died, the goody-goody get-along-everyone spiel, the caring way too damn much about everyone and everything** -- but being on the receiving end of an Innocence-powered stiletto heel? That quickly obliterated any notion those women couldn't stand their ground, and damn well defend that ground, when they got determined about something.
The other thing about female exorcists, though, was that they didn't need to resort to physical violence to get their way, and this was the part that put Kanda Yuu off-kilter. He understood physical responses and sharp insults perfectly fine; it was the witty tongue-lashings and mind games he couldn't keep up with. Unfortunately women, as he had found, excelled in these. They could rip up one side of you and down the other with words alone, talk you into dizzying circles until you were unknowingly acquiescing to what they wanted, or - worst of all - play mind games as punishment for not letting them get their way; and there really wasn't all that much you could do to contend with it.
So when Shiroyama Rei gave Kanda The Look - the one that signaled if he didn't let her have her way she would be most displeased and therefore Kanda would be very displeased as well - the grumpy Japanese decided it just wasn't worth making her throw away that damned, disgustingly mangy kitten she'd just picked up off the cobblestone streets. He would much rather save himself the trouble of her being upset with him all through the mission and then later finding his room back at the Black Order invaded by passive-aggressive flowers again.
Or worse.
Women. Such bleeding hearts.
So, yes. Kanda relented. It didn't mean he wasn't grumpy about it, though; and when Rei cooed again at the purring, scrappy kitten in her arms as they were walking to their hotel, the moody Japanese couldn't contain himself and "tch"ed darkly at the both of them.
"I'm not sharing my bed with that thing," Kanda said, voice just above a growl.
"Well, it's a good thing we sleep in separate rooms then, isn't it?" Rei said lightly, not missing a beat.
Kanda twitched at the underlying tease in his partner's voice and shot a narrowed, side-eye glare at the mangy kitten as if it were all its fault - because as far as Kanda was concerned, it was.
The little bastard had the gall to purr even louder.
Animals weren't allowed at the quaint, two-story hostel the Black Order had booked for them that night. Kanda was pleased that he would get his way after all, up until Rei batted her eyelashes at the owner and the man caved faster than the Stupid Beansprout when offered candy .
The hotel owner fled quickly under Kanda's scowl - Rei only laughed when it was directed at her.
Damned woman.
It took about an hour - and Kanda nearly busted a vein when Rei asked (in jest) if she could borrow Mugen to cut some tangles out of the kitten's fur - but finally the tiny creature was bathed, brushed, fed, and napping contently in Rei's lap.
Now sitting on the edge of her hotel room's bed, Rei smoothed her slender fingers through some of the patchy bits of the kitten's fur, subtly combing for any injuries, but found nothing more than protruding ribs from lack of food. She smiled, satisfied with her work.
Kanda, who was leaning on the frame of the door to her room, huffed impatiently. "Are you done?"
Rei hummed in affirmative, shooting an amused look at her temperamental companion, and set the kitten down on the pillow of her bed. It mewled a bit but continued to nap, otherwise undisturbed by the shift.
The two exorcists proceeded to leave the hotel room, their overcoats off to reveal their eye-catching uniforms. As she shut the door behind them both, though, Rei paused and turned to Kanda.
Rei was perfectly aware that Kanda wasn't the type to wait up for anyone -- ever. He was far more inclined to leave people behind, including herself too, and that he hadn't this time around made her both curious and appreciative.
"Thank you for waiting," Rei told Kanda, her voice sincere. Smiling up at him, she added, "I'll make up for the time I wasted."
Kanda side-eyed her for a moment, his dark navy gaze giving nothing away, then "hnn"ed. As far as he was concerned, Kanda still thought picking up the kitten was stupid, but he could accept the peace-offering for what it was. Rei rarely goofed off when it came to the seriousness of missions; it was why partnering with her was far more palatable than with, say, the Stupid Beansprout or Stupid Rabbit. So long as she didn't waste any more time on that useless furball, the Japanese could overlook it.
"Whatever. We're going," Kanda said, and Rei nodded.
Golems fluttering silently by their heads, the two exorcists headed out together as night fell over the modest town. Starlight glittered above them, and eerie lamp-light lit their way. They had several locations to check out tonight; if all went well, they'd find the monsters hiding out here and dispatch them in time to actually get some shut-eye before sunrise.
The thing about Akuma is that they aren't the brightest tools in the Earl's murder shed. A Dark Matter skeleton powered by a soul battery shoved into human skin, sure, but as far as anyone was aware, definitely no brains in those artificial skulls. Even if they had physical brains, they'd be shriveled up anyway by their insatiable bloodlust, mixed with the Earl's own personal brand of insanity and... quirkiness.
So with that said, it isn't really all that uncommon for exorcists to come across some very odd, and certainly unorthodox, enemy confrontations.
Where does this come in, you my ask? Well, as morning dawned, the sun peeking up over the horizon and the birds chattering away, Kanda Yuu and Shiroyama Rei arrived back at the hostel from an utterly boring, utterly unsuccessful night patrol to find three strangers in Rei's room.
It didn't take Allen's cursed left eye or Kanda's weird-ass "Spidy-sense" for anyone emanating bloodlust*** to conclude they had to be Akumas.
But, as was prone to happen every once in a while, the two tired exorcists didn't immediately react. Instead, they opted to take a bewildered moment to process the ridiculous scene before them.
There were three Akumas: a balding, elderly man; a buxom ginger in nothing less than a prostitute's attire; and a richly dressed, blond teenager. The Akumas disguised within the balding old coot and the buxom ginger were over by Rei's bed cooing over the kitten she'd left there. The kitten itself, ridiculously enough, was on its back with its little paws batting playfully at teasing fingers, blissfully and thoroughly enjoying the attention without a lick of concern for its dangerous origins.
The Akuma that was the blond teenager, meanwhile, was at the hotel room window, whining with all the bitchiness of the pampered rich boy he was wearing that his comrades needed to get their freakin' priorities straight.
He was dutifully ignored by them both.
"Look at iiiit!" squealed Buxom Ginger, cradling the kitten in her currently human hands. "He's so fluffy!"
"A handsome kitty, aren't you?" agreed Old Coot, tickling the kitten's tummy with a gnarled finger. The little furball mewl-meowed in delight.
Whiny Blond was not impressed by this display. Face pinched and eyes narrowed, he glowered at his companions, hissing, "Seriously? Don't you want to ambush the exorcists?!"
Buxom Ginger rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, o'course we do."
"I shall enjoy removing their limbs," added Old Coot.
"Then stop petting their damn cat already and get back into position," seethed Whiny Blond. "Preferably before they get back!"
". . . a little late for that, I think," Rei interjected, bemused.
The three Akumas squawked in alarm. Like children caught with their hands in the cookie jar, they quickly spun around to see their two intended targets at the door.
"Exorcists! When'd they get here?!"
"Oh my, how terribly inconvenient."
"It doesn't matter, just kill them already!"
Kanda rolled his eyes, unsheathing his Innocence katana Mugen. "Che, idiots."
Immediately the hostel room lit up with brilliant blues and dreadful purples, Innocence Activating on one side and mechanical bodies contorting swiftly out of human skin on the other--
"WAIT!" cried out Buxom Ginger.
Everyone froze. It was more out of surprise than a desire to listen, and they all stared at the half-formed Akuma in mixed confusion.
"The kitten!" Buxom Ginger said, holding the little feline up in emphasis.
Kanda and Whiny Blond glared daggers in unison at her. The latter hissed, "Seriously?!"
"Yes!" insisted Buxom Ginger, indignant. "Someone should hold 'im, ya know, make sure he doesn't get hurt..."
The kitten mewled as if in agreement. Whiny Blond wasn't in an agreeing mood.
"Fuck that!" He lifted his mutated guns for hands and went to fire-- Buxom Ginger shrieked-- Old Coot chastised Whiny Blond's language-- the barrels lit up as Akuma bullets prepared to rain down upon them all-- and two opaque, glittering blue blades cut through Whiny Blond like a hot knife through butter.
He exploded.
When the poisonous smoke cleared, Rei was revealed, crouched where Whiny Blond had been. "Now, then," the female exorcist said calmly, smoothly standing up straight and turning to the remaining two, very startled Akumas. She motioned to the kitten between them, her Innocence already Deactivated. "May I?"
Passed between the Akumas, the fuzzy little feline was handed over to Rei gently and without complaint by Old Coot's large, half-formed claws. Rei smiled in gratitude at him - to which his Akuma mask spluttered and blushed (much to Kanda's utter disgust) - and then Rei turned and handed the kitten to Kanda (much to Kanda's definite alarm).
"Will you protect him, Kanda? I'll make this quick," Rei said. Her smile was brighter towards Kanda than it had been for Old Coot, and perhaps that was the reason why the moody Japanese didn't immediately throw her a "hell no" and instead, almost as if on autopilot, accepted the stupid scrap of fur.
It was only once Rei turned around with a whirl of her long brown hair - Soul Blades flaring back into full length, glassy glowing blades - that Kanda realized he'd just been benched on babysitting duty. He scowled indignantly after the young woman. "Oi!"
Rei gave her partner an (un)apologetic wave. The little creature would be safest with Kanda.
"Shall we?" Rei said, turning back to the Akumas.
Buxom Ginger grinned viciously as the rest of her human face melted away. "Winner gets the kitten!"
"Allow me the honour of removing your limbs," chipped in Old Coot.
The fight commenced. For Rei and the Akumas, that is. With Mugen in one hand and a fuzzy kitten in the other, Kanda was left to glower with annoyance in the background, effectively sidelined. The kitten purred in his grip, the little rumbling sound in its chest somehow completely and unrealistically audible even over the peppering gun shots and crashing bodies of the battle underway in front of them. It reminded Kanda of the Stupid Beansprout's growling stomach, which only soured his mood further.
A sharp whistling had Kanda snapping Mugen forward at lightning speed, and a poisonous Akuma bullet ricocheted away. He had to duck the next one, slightly off balance in form with the kitten in his grasp. Then the sounds of confused shouts and screams started up from the hostel's other boarders, reminding Kanda that an evacuation was in order and he had no Finder on this mission to dump that job on.
Whatever. If the idiots didn't run from obvious danger and died, that was their fault.
"Mreow?"
... but he still had to protect the damn furball.
"Tch!" The Japanese exorcist tucked the still stupidly purring kitten into his open collar (his golem twittered unhappily but he ignored it) and exited the battle-filled hotel room, his coattails billowing out behind him. Going down the steps two at a time to the ground floor, Kanda conveniently ran into the panicked owner of the hostel - unfortunately said owner's first assumption was that Kanda was the one going on a murderous rampage (it probably didn't help Mugen was still unsheathed), and the annoyed exorcist had to grab the middle-aged man by the collar and shake him thoroughly before he'd listen to him.
"There are demons attacking, idiot! Be useful and get everyone out."
And with that, Kanda left the building. Just in time, too, as a crowd of people finally with their wits about them poured out after him.
Now, while Akuma didn't have much for brains, on occasion they did get lucky.
Apparently Old Coot, Buxom Ginger, and Whiny Blond had had a fourth member in their motley Akuma crew, one who was strategically placed outside of the hotel (this is a convenient alternative fact; in reality, the Akuma simply arrived stupidly late, heard the fighting, and decided to hide). Kanda walked right into it when he entered the alley across the street from the hostel, too distracted by the kitten jostling around in his uniform jacket to immediately notice the Dark Matter machine lurking in the shadows before him.
This situation could have become the occasional case of Akuma luck where the hiding murder machine takes advantage of the sheer rarity of catching an exorcist by surprise and immediately slaughters them. Instead, the opportunity was wasted spectacularly as the Akuma's excited bloodlust overrode its sense, aka, any modicum of intelligence it could have possibly possessed and exercised.
"Exorcist!!" it shrieked, promptly giving away its position.
Kanda looked up - utterly unimpressed - at the monstrously tall, centipede-like Level Two leering giddily down at him. Then the killing machine's large, bulbous eyes zeroed in on the little wiggling, fluffy butt poking out of Kanda's overcoat collar.
The towering Akuma blinked rapidly in confusion.
"...is that a kitten?"
( To cut the Akumas in this story some slack, the kitten really is that adorable, and distracting. It has something to do with the fluffy, clumsy body; the big, round eyes; the lil murder mitts; and - of course - the pudgy lil toe beans. )
Back inside the hostel, Rei looked over the scorched and Pentagram-stained remnants of her room: the collapsed bed, the torn-up couch, the ripped up carpet, and the other shattered odds and ends strewn about. She ran a hand through her long hair, wincing at a bruise on her head, and smiled sheepishly.
Oh, well. The Order would foot the bill. Knowing Supervisor Komui, he'd be more relieved that the entire building hadn't been destroyed. Or multiple buildings, as was often the case...
Rei deactivated her Innocence, Soul Blades. She took the time to dust herself off and gather her discarded uniform sleeves, then she left a note with a kind tip on what remained of a coffee table and walked out and down the hall with both hers and Kanda's suitcases.
Upon exiting the evacuated building, Rei met the hostel owner outside. He was bit of a mess, his toupée askew, his work uniform rumpled, and his face sweaty. He didn't shout at her as she expected, though - which Rei was grateful for - and she was pleasantly surprised when he shook her hand and thanked her for destroying the "demons."
"Nobody got hurt, thank God," the owner added, still a bit out of breath from running around. "Demons! Who would'a thought? Your scary friend warned me as 'e was leaving - I managed to get everyone out early thanks to 'im."
Rei perked up. "Kanda? Did you see where he went?"
"Er-- actually, I'm not entirely sure..."
B O O M !
Rei and the hostel owner whirled around in alarm. Plumes of smoke belched forth from an alley in between two buildings across the street. Rei was just preparing to sprint towards it when Kanda stalked out of the noxious clouds, slashing Mugen to the side to whip what had to be the inky black of Akuma oil off it. The annoyed-looking Japanese sheathed his katana as he stepped fully into the cobblestone street and into the sunlight.
Rei breathed out a sigh of relief, smiling at Kanda as he caught sight of her and joined her by the hostel owner.
The two exorcists did their usual wrap-up routine - or, well, Rei did; Kanda didn't play well with others. Postal addresses were exchanged for financial compensation from the Order, gratitude and well-wishing shared, etc, etc. Once that was all done, Rei handed Kanda his suitcase and they began the long walk to the closest train station.
It was only just as they were leaving the town's limit that Rei remembered something important.
"Oh! The kitten!"
Kanda turned to his fellow exorcist in disgruntled confusion, then remembrance dawned on his face as well. And it was at that moment a familiar, fuzzy, adorable little head popped up out of Kanda's collar, just under his chin, and mewled.
Kanda looked down at the kitten blankly. The kitten looked up at him and purred.
Then Kanda's golem popped out of his collar too, twittering angrily and jealously at the kitten.
Kanda looked so utterly nonplussed that Rei burst into laughter.
3 Hours Later
"Is that a kitten?" inquired the elderly train ticket lady, eyeing her next customer's jacket collar in surprise.
To her alarm, the pretty Asian man all but ripped the creature - which was most certainly a kitten - out from where it'd seemingly taken stubborn residence in his clothes, then shoved it over the ticket desk and into her wrinkled hands.
"Keep it," the man hissed, ignoring his female companion breaking into a giggle fit behind him.
A minute later and the elderly ticket lady watched the odd foreign couple board the train with their (apparently free) tickets, uncertain as to whether to call out to them or not.
After all, the kitten had leapt out of her hands and back onto the man just as they were leaving her booth, and he hadn't seemed to have noticed.

* The Look, a feminine power of expression which comes in many varieties and degrees, but which always communicates without fail: DANGER, DO NOT CROSS. You can pair it with the phrase "if mom isn't happy, no one is happy."
** All of these qualities do indeed apply to a certain Beansprout. Allen Walker, as far as Kanda is concerned, is an honorary female.
*** --not to be confused with Kanda's weird-ass "Spidy-sense" for Allen due to deeply ingrained murderous impulses directed towards the Beansprout. And "Spidey-sense" is a shameless reference to Spider-Man. (Who wouldn't want to see Kanda Yuu's ass in hero spandex?).