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cntmplatngyllw — You
Published: 2004-02-29 02:57:30 +0000 UTC; Views: 67; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 22
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Description
first poetry submission. i wrote this a long time ago. found it and decided to fix it up with your help of course. Its a work in progress... just like everything else i do. ha ha!Related content
Comments: 20
My favorite stanza is definetly the last. It flows well, and some great imagery. I think the last line could be made stronger, however. The problem with the beginning is that it's a list. Listing is a bad idea in poetry. Unified images are so much more powerful. Unite your thoughts, and describe what you feel. Sensory words are important for poetry. What do things look like, smell like, feel like, taste like, sound like? Someone who really helped me out with poetry once said that great poems are like pictures painted with words. They involve colors, and shapes. One good place where you could place colors is with the eyes. Were they blue? green? brown? "my mind is as fresh as a new born's" is rather cliche, I'm sorry to say. See if you can express your thoughts in a more original way.
Hope this helped!
Good luck
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This is nice! My only complaint would be that the rythm is rather inconsistent at times. It has a simple meaning--reminds me suddenly of L.A. home life. Hmmmm.
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heheh just like my thoughts 
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Oh if a guy gave me this poem I would think it was sappy, I would think he was a great guy. Good job!
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heh see i don't know if i'd ever give it to any one. heh i like writing about people not to them i guess haha jk. anyway if i were giving it to anyone it'd be to a guy (since i am a heterosexual female...) haha and somehow i don't think many guys (at least the ones i know) would appreciate it. but thank you very much for the comment
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Oh I wasn't saying that you were a guy! I'm sorry if it came across like that. I was just saying that from my perspective. Once again I'm sorry.
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hahah no i'm just joking with you! no worries
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so powerful.
this is wonderful.
great pace.
lovie it, love it, love it
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aww thank you very much! i keep getting such nice comments... i can't believe someone hasn't ripped it to shreds yet hahah anyway thanks again!
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It is simple. Yes, But it has much meaning in some people's eyes. You really should consider writing more.
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i will
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why will it be your last poetry submission??? i really like them...
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i haven't written since like...middle school lol we'll see if i can pull anything else out of my ass. hehe anyway thanks i appreciate your concern
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alright I gotta come out and say it
that poem was incredible............
well done.
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AW! thank you very much. hugs are in order
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