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CryAthena — Home: Chapter 1
Published: 2011-11-10 03:24:31 +0000 UTC; Views: 4860; Favourites: 43; Downloads: 24
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Description Red – the first thing that caught his eye. If he had known, he would have memorized every detail of that encounter - the smell, the ambient noise, but most of all, her face. Yes, he would have memorized every detail of that face from the start. Only her red hair stands firm in his memory.

* * *

"Your investigation is over, Garrus" Executor Pallin barely finished the sentence before walking away, waving his hand in dismissal.
The words stung; abject failure over damned classified documents. A thin growl escaped his throat at the realization. He'd be demoted. Not only for failing to find evidence but also for butting heads too often with Executor Pallin. Hot blood flushed under his plating, making them slightly swell and push against his armor. The heat pointed his thoughts into sharp accusations. How dare he! Executor or not, no one should forbid access to critical evidence. No way in hell was he going to let Pallin step over him on the largest case he had ever received. Footsteps interrupted his retort for the Executor.

Three armored humans walked up the steps toward him; Alliance soldiers by guess of their armor. His visor did a quick facial recognition scan to confirm his suspicions. What were Alliance officers doing in the Tower? The scan stopped abruptly on the last human.  Information flooded the small screen with the heading: Commander Alliera Shepard. The human from Eden Prime! She could help the investigation with her witness statements.

"Commander Shepard? Garrus Vakarian," he said, disturbing Shepard from her determined march to see the Council.
A mixture of confusion and aggravation flashed across her face as she stopped to in front of him. Her head tilted slightly at the information, as if the different angle would make what he said relevant.  Bright red hair fell from its place, slightly obscuring her face. The glossy lock gleamed in the dim light. It was like a veil of crimson silk.

"I, uh…" Spirits the color and texture were distracting. He'd never seen any other human with hair even remotely like it. He wanted to reach out and stroke the alien substance, feel it slip between his talons. Wonder if it would be cool to the touch… Touch? A human? His conversation with Pallin must have shaken him more than he realized if he was wondering such outrageous things. Garrus scrambled to collect his thoughts. "I was the C-Sec officer in charge of the investigation into Saren."

"What do you mean 'was'?"  Shepard asked, a dark eyebrow arching quizzically. Her vibrant blue eyes bored into him, commanding an answer. They reminded him of those sapphires from Earth he'd seen some woman wearing, every crystal saturated with a rich blue no being could replicate.

"The Executor and I had a minor difference of opinion over the importance of this case," he snorted.

"I heard. Look, doesn't matter to me if you're still on the case or not. All I need to know if there's any information you've found. I'd really like to use it to shove up the Council's ass."

A quick mental smack from discipline training stopped his mandibles from flaring into a smile at the remark. Unfortunately, he had never been that great with discipline and they opened enough for a sort of half grin.

"Wish I could say yes," he stopped grinning and crossed his arms, "but Saren's a Spectre. Most of his activities are classified. Couldn't find any hard evidence."

"Well they can't classify my mouth," Shepard smirked.

"I think the Council's ready for us, Commander," the male human to the side of Shepard stepped forward. "We shouldn't keep them waiting."

"Good luck, Shepard," Garrus stood there as she politely nodded goodbye to him and started to walk away with her entourage. "Maybe they'll listen to you."

* * *

"What? The human petition was denied?" Garrus squeezed his arm into submission, willing it not to slam his fist into the executor's desk.

"Did you really believe they'd be able to disbar a Spectre based on a drunken dockworker's accusations and some imaginary visions?" Pallin knit his fingers together into a steeple. He looked like a man praying rather than an officer arguing with his subordinate. "I thought better of you, Garrus. You used to have such good judgment of situations, just like your father."

"No, I won't let this be over. Saren's hiding something! I know it." the mention of his father prodded at the angry coals deep in his chest.

"No? Did you not hear me, Officer Vakarian? The Council rejected the humans' wild claims. There is nothing left to discuss."

"Please, just give me more time!" He leaned forward onto the desk. Spirits, now he was going so far as to plead with the man.

"I said there was nothing left to discuss."  His tongue sharply enunciated each word and pause. He glanced up at Garrus, eyes hard and threatening.

Garrus removed his hands from the desk and clasped them behind his back. It was the only thing preventing him from ripping something, preferably the executor's throat.

"Yes, sir," Garrus replied curtly and turned to leave the office.

Garrus stood in the hall, office door closing behind him with a swoosh.  Shepard's testimony had done nothing to assuage the Council's defense of Saren. The Executor was right about one thing; he could pass judgment with ease and precision. Saren was dirty, rouge even for a Spectre. He knew it. Shepard knew it. But to prove it? He'd have to pry some evidence from the shadows of the Citadel, one shadowy agent in particular. With a new resolve, Garrus strode down the hall toward confronting the man that C-Sec had yet to touch. He had to find Fist.
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Comments: 40

CrazyIvan93 [2012-01-31 21:28:48 +0000 UTC]

I agree with "VideoGamerNerd", I'm loving this already

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CryAthena In reply to CrazyIvan93 [2012-02-01 03:47:23 +0000 UTC]

Great Hope you continue to like it further on!

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CrazyIvan93 In reply to CryAthena [2012-02-01 04:50:48 +0000 UTC]

It's so good that I'm saving it for when i get coffee in the morning. I go to Starbucks every morning so now I will have excellent material to read to go with my cup of joe. And what better material than Garrus himself Thanks so much for making these. They make my day so easily! <3

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CryAthena In reply to CrazyIvan93 [2012-02-01 05:22:51 +0000 UTC]

Sounds like a great plan. Nothing like good coffee and a good book in the morning. Wow... it's such an honor being a part of your morning routine and for making your day. Making the world a better place, one Garrus line at a time

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CrazyIvan93 In reply to CryAthena [2012-02-01 05:49:17 +0000 UTC]

Im the one that she be honored for being able to read this . You have very good writing skills and I myself am trying to be videogame journalist as i write reviews for game while im in college (can't wait for Mass Effect 3!!!!). Plus, its nice to know that I'm not the only one that has a love for turians, as they are sexy (especially Garrus :3).

Once again, exemplary work and I'm always glad to give credit where credit is due. Keep up the great work

Ivan

P.S. God its killing me to read the next chapter but I have to wait til next morning xD

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CryAthena In reply to CrazyIvan93 [2012-02-01 05:58:13 +0000 UTC]

You write legit game reviews? That is so neat! I wish you the best of luck in pursuing that. Being able to write and create as a career would be divine. Garrus is one special guy . His character/personality is so interesting to me. To go from not being too big a fan of him, to thinking he's a nice guy, to romancing him all over the course of two games. Yeah, that's good character.

Thank you for the kind words . It'll be that much better when you get to it! I just hope I don't disappoint after all the anticipation

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CrazyIvan93 In reply to CryAthena [2012-02-01 06:14:34 +0000 UTC]

LOL i was the same with him. At first I thought he was okay, then when he pulled off that headshot in the med-lab i was like: "well... HOLY CRAP HE'S BEAST!". Then when he said he said wanted to join as was like: "Garrus gets to be in my squad? NO WAY OH MY GO- F*** YEAH!" Then in 2, i didnt know archangel was garrus at first, then when i saw him i was like: "I KNOW WHO THAT IS, THAT'S MAH BRO GAWWUS!" and never in a game have a felt this brotherly feel towards a character. I give props to Bioware for making a game to focus on story and developing characters, but this is besides the point, thanks for the good luck and Ill keep updating you on how i feel on each chapter Im very sure i wont be disappointed, im easy to please

Ivan

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CryAthena In reply to CrazyIvan93 [2012-02-01 06:30:20 +0000 UTC]

He becomes indispensable. Total badass yeeaahh... OMG when the Blood Pack leader mentioned that Archangel was a turian... BIGGEST. GRIN. EVER. I was wiggling in my seat and trying to get to him as fast as humanly possible. BioWare knows what they're doing with characters that's for sure. They make those connections and relationships, romantic or otherwise. No worries! Love talking about pretty much anything. Not off topic at all in my opinion. If you ever want to discuss something, write me a note or comment on my profile. Sounds fantastic! Look forward to your feedback

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CrazyIvan93 In reply to CryAthena [2012-02-01 19:21:55 +0000 UTC]

My cup of coffee went deliciously with this chapter. I literally finished my coffee as I finished the chapter, can't wait to read more in the next morning! Can't get enough of Archangel, he's so fine :3 My pretty damn stupid best brah <3

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VideoGamerNerd [2012-01-29 16:43:40 +0000 UTC]

Very nice! I can already tell I'm going to enjoy reading the rest of you're story! ^_^

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CryAthena In reply to VideoGamerNerd [2012-01-29 16:50:45 +0000 UTC]

Thank you Hope you enjoy the rest of it. Maybe by the time you get through it, I'll have another chapter up.

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Matyrfae [2012-01-28 05:47:37 +0000 UTC]

Yay another ginger Shepard!

Great start, I look forward to reading more! *goes to read the next chapter*

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CryAthena In reply to Matyrfae [2012-01-28 06:46:31 +0000 UTC]

Ginger Shepards unite! We must stick together.

Yay! There's plenty to read now.

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xX-Tabataba-Xx [2011-12-23 23:17:47 +0000 UTC]

You have great vocab! Well done! I love this game~~ and I loved this Fan-Fiction! ONTO THE NEST!

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CryAthena In reply to xX-Tabataba-Xx [2011-12-24 00:28:35 +0000 UTC]

Why thank you! Got something out of my English classes at least. Weee! Have fun reading them

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xX-Tabataba-Xx In reply to CryAthena [2011-12-24 03:39:34 +0000 UTC]

i will!

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xX-Tabataba-Xx In reply to xX-Tabataba-Xx [2011-12-23 23:18:02 +0000 UTC]

*NEXT

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MonaMiyamoto [2011-12-07 17:23:39 +0000 UTC]

I have to say that I really love the way you write Garrus. You portray him very well! I'll definitely be reading the next two chapters and any upcoming ones you have in store!

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CryAthena In reply to MonaMiyamoto [2011-12-07 18:29:02 +0000 UTC]

So happy that you like it I'm working on getting the rest out. Currently stuck at a pace of 2 paragraphs a day but it's something.

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MonaMiyamoto In reply to CryAthena [2011-12-08 10:31:29 +0000 UTC]

I usually chuck out a chapter in one sitting... I write 'em brief, expecting that people are looking for a short and interesting read. Exhaustive descriptions aren't easy to make interesting and more often than not exhaust the reader's attention.

I'd go through the chapters sooner, but I don't have internet on my own comp.. so my feedback may come slowly, but it'll be there!

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CryAthena In reply to MonaMiyamoto [2011-12-08 17:33:50 +0000 UTC]

Generally, I hit four pages on Word and then I cut it off. If inspiration struck, I would gladly finish this last chapter up and work on the next bit. Unfortunately, life has been getting in the way of my writing. But so it goes! Take your time No rush.

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MonaMiyamoto In reply to CryAthena [2011-12-08 18:43:38 +0000 UTC]

Ugh, so it ALWAYS goes. I just hope it's not anything too bothersome. When I get down in the dumps, I can't jump-start my muse for ages.

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CryAthena In reply to MonaMiyamoto [2011-12-08 21:25:48 +0000 UTC]

It's bothersome enough to be strangling my muse. Just can't seem to get anything down. But I'm fighting it!

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MonaMiyamoto In reply to CryAthena [2011-12-09 08:42:11 +0000 UTC]

Oh dear... Then maybe you should wait it out, you know, wait until most of the troublesome stuff clears so your creativity can breathe again. I know that maintaining creativity in the face of adversity is admirable and a major achievement, but it's also next-to-impossible sometimes.

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Allelujah-Kyrios [2011-11-28 06:33:48 +0000 UTC]

Wow, I'm impressed! Imagery is phenominal and the first few lines in the very beginning captured my intrest and held firm. Colors are a fantastic way to catch a reader. Most of the time, they will be able to associate that color with a certain feeling or emotion which undoubtedly hooks them into what they are reading, even if they don't even realize it.

Character development is coming along wonderfully. Garrus doesn't seem like a human; he seems alien, which is how it should be. I have seen many blur the lines between human and alien and key personality and character traits get lost in the chaos that ensues, but you seem to have a firm grasp on what makes these individuals--individual.

Sentence structure is unique and portrays your own personal style. The story itself flows with a nice and steady pace, not lingering on one thing for too long or just jumping around.

Very nice so far! I'm looking forward to reading more.

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CryAthena In reply to Allelujah-Kyrios [2011-11-28 18:41:01 +0000 UTC]

Wow thank you so much for all of the nice things! And especially for reading it in the first place

I really wanted to open the story on a reflective thought by Garrus. Showing his inevitable longing for her and wishing that it had happened sooner. Wishing that they didn't have to go through so much pain to get where they are now.

Holy hell I'm so paranoid about slipping outside of someone's characterization. I write an action or dialogue and wonder "Would this person really do/say this?" Glad that you think I'm doing it alright so far! To me, it'd be hard not to make someone themselves... if that makes any sense. I mean, playing the game you know what these people do and say. At least on a surface level it shouldn't be that difficult. Then again I've seen so many hackneyed uses of characteristics. Like Garrus turning into this anger management needing, comic relief character.

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Allelujah-Kyrios In reply to CryAthena [2011-11-28 19:55:19 +0000 UTC]

Well you did a fantastic job. Haven't gotten the chance to read the other chapters yet, but I plan to!

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CryAthena In reply to Allelujah-Kyrios [2011-11-28 20:29:11 +0000 UTC]

This one and the second one are tied for my favorite ones so far. The fourth chapter is essentially non-existent. Just can't seem to get anything down! I didn't write over break and it kind of screwed me over. So I really don't know how long it's going to take for that chapter to get up. Hopefully by the time I get that one done I can get back into the pace of a chapter every 3 days or so.

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DOWModder [2011-11-21 12:03:05 +0000 UTC]

Hmmm... From what I saw here I can tell - you have an interesting way with words, my friend! First of all the description - it is very nicely done: the details, the feelings, the thoughts - even the body language, everything looks alive. The person you describe seems living, breathing and actual! Only thing I could advise about it - if you started writing in such way, keep it up - show every person in the story - like kaidan and Ashley: just a brief shades of info that winds in Garrus` mind, like:

'The first one was a human female - seems taut and capable, and quite tall by her kind ranks, though she`d beraly reach up his shoulder... Her brown hair braided into the tight knot, her eyes and face show alert and suspescion, her body srains at the sight of him ready to react on any possble threat.
Good soldier, but no patience yet...'

Well that`s how I`d think seeing Ashley for the first time if I were an Alien anways. Sorry I digress... The same goes to the noises, surroundings, echoes around the main character - the world around is vivid and alive, thus you give reader a very strong feeling of belonging.

The style you use is strong, sentencies are well made and the whole way you write doesn`t get boring which is very good; and plus the story progresses interestingly, so no remarks on this.

In addition you have captured heroe`s character well - I truly had a feeling I see this through Garrus` eyes, like I read him thoughts, especially this goes to the part when he first met Shepard and wanted to touch her hair - that was very atmospheric if I may say so. The detail is insignificant, but ir shows the perspective, gives the story it`s depth.

The story is going well so far, In like your insight and some interesting figures of speech, like :

"Well they can't classify my mouth,"

I don`t see any flaws here, not really - there are... things that could have been better, but no more than that. You write well, my friend - just remember to keep up the rank, if you do it good - you will be expected no less! I hope my review helps, I`ll check other chapters later, now I gotta go to the GYM. Take care!

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CryAthena In reply to DOWModder [2011-11-21 17:07:20 +0000 UTC]

I never really thought of describing Ashley like that! Or Kaidan in a similar manner. I'll have to throw them in there when he gets to know them better or something like that. My thought process at the time (I believe) was he was very focused on Shepard. If I ever rewrite this chapter I will definitely keep that in mind to describe everyone.

Most of the time I forget some senses and have one that I accidently focus on for a scene. I used to describe everything in every possible way, then I read a story that was like that and decided to clean it up a bit. Always had a weakness of flowing action, dialogue, and description without it being too clunky.

Thanks so much for an actual review! Very very very appreciated Always aspiring to make things better. Not sure if you read the description of the folder but this is a writing experiment for me so when I'm inspired to write something original I'll be able to.

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DOWModder In reply to CryAthena [2011-11-21 18:01:15 +0000 UTC]

Happy to help!

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RainbowD0LL [2011-11-20 04:04:06 +0000 UTC]

Love it~
I don't know anything about the game but everything seems just right! The Executor is such a a**hole.

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CryAthena In reply to RainbowD0LL [2011-11-20 04:08:02 +0000 UTC]

Spot on about the Executor. He's someone you want to punch... repeatedly.

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RainbowD0LL In reply to CryAthena [2011-11-20 04:25:15 +0000 UTC]

Heck yes D:< a good kick in the nuts. That is if he has any.

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CryAthena In reply to RainbowD0LL [2011-11-20 04:27:30 +0000 UTC]

That is debatable. There aren't any "official" models of naked turians. But there is a vast cry an anatomy study. Naked/shirtless Garrus for science and all that

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ravenwing136 [2011-11-12 06:34:22 +0000 UTC]

Sounds good! A nice reinterpretation of arguably my favourite scene in Mass Effect... and from Garrus' POV too! Well done Your writing is very nice too, if I might say so

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CryAthena In reply to ravenwing136 [2011-11-12 06:38:37 +0000 UTC]

Thanks so much! I wanted to take the basic FemShepxGarrus story and make it a bit different. Want to kind of delve into his psyche, see what makes him tick and points. More to come in a day or so! Stick around if you like it.

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ravenwing136 In reply to CryAthena [2011-11-16 05:30:28 +0000 UTC]

I certainly will

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ImperatorAlicia [2011-11-11 00:40:17 +0000 UTC]

This is a nice piece here. I like it!
What I like about it is that it's from Garrus' point of view; that definitely puts everything into a different light. I also really liked the intro. It was powerful.
There's some small grammatical errors with the dialog at certain points; it's just technical stuff, like capitalization, commas, etc.
The descriptions of the emotions are very nice. That's a personal strength of mine as well, so I recognize it right away and greatly appreciate it when it's done well.
So yeah, just a few small things for critique, but it's great so far! Definitely keep it up!

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CryAthena In reply to ImperatorAlicia [2011-11-11 00:50:03 +0000 UTC]

I always wondered what was going through his head at times...
English technicalities have never been my strong suit. My brain looks at it, processes it, then says "Screw it, I'll get someone else to fix that stuff."
Always been a fan of "Show, don't tell." Remember vividly an exercise my creative writing teacher made us do. She wrote emotions on the white board, 5 bubbles extending from each one. Looked at us and said to fill each bubble with sensory perceptions of each emotion. What did anger taste like? How did joy sound? Stuff like that.
Thanks so much for the critique and immense joy that your comment brought me! I'm fragile with my work so it helps when people genuinely enjoy what I write. Again, you have to be one of the most awesome people that I've talked to on here!

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