CrypticLyricPicnic [2005-07-23 20:18:19 +0000 UTC]

beautiful- like a bright autum afternoon; hearty breezes grazing those sitting in the grass- the breeze being the only commotion this side of Wyoming. a picture this painted in my head. You've got talent in my personal opinion- usually when I read written pieces- I either enjoy or am apathetic to them within the first "paragraph" or so. I adored this so :]

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

jl [2004-03-17 00:29:46 +0000 UTC]

I don't think this is angsty at all. It's emotional and very warm-hearted, and it's exceptional for someone of your age. I seriously wish I had that kind of a start when I began writing, which was roughly at about 14.

Your perspective is a bit shy, sometimes maybe too hesitating, but very insightful, and amiable. I like this a lot in literature- not kitschy, not excessively happy, but also not preoccupied with its own misery. Piano, maybe

I'd really like to see what happens when you try to write a short story, with a plot and all


The following issues:

-maybe the metaphor in the first paragraph is a bit overdone: see... in those solitary rooms / break down those walls / her heart which fogs the glass... it all makes perfect sense as soon as you think about it, but it felt a bit like Christmas and Eastern at once (anyways, I will never tell you to drop flowery language, because that's what they tell me all the time, and I hate them for that... maybe increase the level in all other parts, instead *g)

- for a split second, he forgets to keep up the walls behind his eyes until you mentioned it, I hadn't the impression this guy also has walls behind his eyes, on the contrary. Seems pretty different to the girl in the first part.

- “He’s such a loner,” she says who is she? I guess it wasn't important to you, but it keeps you wondering as a reader

- water / breath / million miles a bit of cliches. Don't use such expressions and similes too often.

It also struck me that the person you seemed to know best, No. 3, got the least vivid description... at least, me as an outsider thought No. 1 and 2 to be much more interesting, judging from what you said about them.


Good work! Please employ the same skill in characterization if you should get to fictitious characters someday- I really hope to see this

Best regards

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

artisticlonging [2004-03-16 01:49:23 +0000 UTC]

Wow...I like this, I like this a lot. I cant say what exactly, but I think I can somehow relate...in some ways....
not very helpgul, I know, but I like it. one suggestion, maybe take out the 'cool' in the last part, you can use 'smarter' more poetic words than that.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0