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Published: 2009-08-16 14:58:33 +0000 UTC; Views: 48074; Favourites: 207; Downloads: 160
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Thick drops of rain hit its dirty windows as the Hogwarts Express wound through the wild landscapes of Britain, blowing up steam which merged with the heavy storm clouds darkening the sky. In one of the carriages furthest behind sat Hermione Granger, who, unlike most Hogwarts students, had already changed her everyday clothes for her school uniform; black robe, white shirt, grey skirt, white socks and plain black shoes.A sudden burst of lightning caused the lights in the cabin to flicker. Annoyed, Hermione closed her book. It was just impossible to read under such circumstances. She laid the lecture down on the seat next to her. That was not a problem, since she was alone in this cabin and, as much as she was aware of, even in the entire carriage. But at the moment that didn’t bother her, since she wasn’t in the mood for noisy company right now anyway.
She stretched out her feet, slipped out of her shoes and stood up to walk around in the cabin a bit. As much as she enjoyed the school year in Hogwarts, school of witchcraft and wizardry, as uncomfortable she felt during the ridiculously long train ride. While she was doing a few little exercises to get her circulation moving again after a long period of sitting her eyes coincidently met the cover of the book. Artful golden letters on the red cover said “The End of the Dark Lord”. It was a book about the death of Lord Voldemort, the greatest dark wizard the world has probably ever seen.
Actually Hermione wouldn’t have needed to read this book, since she knew the story as well as one could know it. But it still fascinated her: The fact that Voldemort, who had gathered so much power died because of a little baby.
It all happened almost eighteen years ago: Voldemort had heard a prophecy which said that a child born on that faithful day could lead to his end. So he searched and eventually found that particular child. It was a boy named Harry Potter. Voldemort first killed Harry’s parents before moving on to the boy. But when he pointed his wand against him and spoke the deadly words “Avada Kedavra” , the killing curse, something unexpected happened. The spell somehow was repelled and both Harry and Voldemort died.
Hermione lay down on two seats and stared at the ceiling. She kept thinking about this story. How could a little baby kill a wizard whose mere name made the whole wizarding world shake in fear? Was it outrageous magical ability? But why did Harry die too then? Hermione often asked herself all these questions. Harry would be about her age now, he’d probably be going to Hogwarts School like her, he’d probably be in Gryffindor House too, maybe he’d even be sitting next to her in this cabin…
The girl looked over at her cat Crookshanks, who was sitting on a seat for his own, sleeping and purring. A sudden sound made the animal wake up and look around in confusion. The door of the cabin has just been opened. Hermione turned her head over to see who was standing there, expecting it to be the witch who usually brings the snacks and drinks. But instead there was standing none other than Ginny Weasley.
Hermione’s mood got worse in an instant. “Oh, Ginny, it's you,” she greeted the unexpected visitor.
“Well, it’s me, yeah. The brilliant Hermione Granger was right once again, a true genius!” was the redhead’s mocking response.
Hermione glared at her. “Why are you here in the first place?”
“Oh, I’m just wandering around on the train a bit because I was bored. Is that a crime?” Ginny said with an innocent voice while looking around in the cabin.
Arrogant, spoiled, annoying. These three words pretty much described Ginny’s character. She was a pure-blooded witch and as the youngest and the only female offspring of the rich, influential Weasley family she had many privileges and very few worries. She usually was terrorizing muggle-born wizards and witches like Hermione, only one reason why the two of them hated each other.
Hermione wondered how she didn’t notice Ginny’s outfit up until now. Of course she wasn’t wearing her school uniform yet. Instead she was wearing a tight black dress, long, black silk gloves, black nylon stockings – and even matching black high heels. It was amazing she was even allowed to enter the train dressed like that. Obviously nobody wanted to mess with the Weasleys just because of improper clothing.
“So you’re all alone on this carriage?” Ginny suddenly asked after some seconds of silence.
Hermione, surprised by that sudden question just nodded, mumbling “Ye – yeah…” although she added a sharp “Why should that bother you?”
Ginny smiled. “Oh, it’s nothing, I’m just curious. Bye!” she said as she left the cabin, not without dropping a suitcase that was stored above one of the seats, which cracked open, spilling its contents throughout the floor and nearly hit Crookshanks, accompanied by a totally insincere “Whoops!”
Hermione cursed as she stood up from her seats and started stuffing her belongings back into the suitcase. She wasn’t even finished before the door to her cabin was opened again. Her annoyed “What’s up?” probably would have scared the hell out of the worst imaginable school bullies - however that was not the case for the person at the door.
“Urrrm…nothing really exciting.” Luna Lovegood responded, more confused than scared. Hermione’s bad mood suddenly vanished. “Luna!” she cheered as she looked at her friend. Luna’s hair was as messy as always, matching her outfit pretty well. She wore a blue-grayish shirt, covered by a matching cardigan, a gray plaid short skirt and red pantyhose left that slightly weird impression that one was used to get when looking at Luna.
“I assume you didn’t see a toad, did you?”She asked, seeming to look right through Hermione, rather than looking at her.
“A toad? Oh no, don’t tell me that Neville –“
“Oh yes, he lost his toad again.”
Hermione sighed. That boy was a hopeless case.
“Hey, what’s this?” Luna suddenly asked, pointing at a piece of cloth in Hermione’s hands.
Hermione looked at it. “Oh, that’s the invisibility cloak Dumbledore gave to me last year.” She hadn’t even realized she was holding it.
“Oh yeah, right! Dumbledore gave it to you to honor your efforts in school. He always knew how much you’re interested in the story of the Potters.” Luna remembered.
“Yeah. He thought it was perfect for me, since it once belonged to James Potter.” Hermione giggled. “And he said I’m probably the only student who is trustworthy enough to possess it.”
Luna didn’t even seem to have heard that last sentence. “Well I’ll go look for Neville’s toad again. See you!” were her last words before leaving. Hermione continued packing her stuff into the suitcase. The Invisibility Cloak, however, she kept in her hands. She sat down on a seat next to Crookshanks, who was sleeping again and looked at the fabric, lost in thoughts.
“Petrificus Totalus!”
Hermione Granger dropped down from her seat, not moving anymore. However, she was neither dead nor unconscious. She was paralyzed by the spell: It was a full-body-bind, rendering the victim unable to move a single muscle - however it didn’t block breathing or sight – or hearing.
“Hello, Granger!” Hermione didn’t have to be able to turn her head to know whose voice that was. Her heart beat faster as she heard Ginny Weasley’s footsteps coming closer…
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Comments: 18
Patasata [2011-04-15 21:31:47 +0000 UTC]
Weasley...rich and influencial? (eyes cross) Seriously, it was kinda disorienting to see so much stuff change. But then again, it was interesting at the same time, to see all the changes.
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Dani1202 In reply to Patasata [2011-04-16 07:48:48 +0000 UTC]
Well, it was part of the contest rules and I thought it was a pretty interesting setting.
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Dani1202 In reply to drake95313 [2010-12-12 14:01:43 +0000 UTC]
The story actually takes place in a sort of an alternate universe - the best excuse for anything!
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grinegade [2009-11-11 13:41:24 +0000 UTC]
crap reading this totally make me feel like a lousy writer XD it's really good.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Dani1202 In reply to grinegade [2009-11-11 19:17:43 +0000 UTC]
Oh, don't call yourself lousy, your stuff isn't too bad!
Thanks regardless!^^
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ThePhoenixKing [2009-08-19 07:07:37 +0000 UTC]
For the most part, you have a pretty solid start to this story, and as someone who's coming to try and doing something for the contest myself, it's good to know that I'll be facing some competition. You do a good job with establishing the conflicts and the setting of the story, very important given that it takes place in a highly-divergent timeline. Hermione's dialogue and thoughts are pretty good, and it's nice to see Luna as well. I get the impression that you are setting up Luna as another victim of Ginny's machinations, and it done well enough that I'm really looking forward to it.
There are some problems, however, that keep it from its full potential. First and foremost, the descriptive language and exposition doesn't flow very well. It's too choppy and stilted, and unfortunately became something of a distraction. Next, while some of the statements made in this chapter, particularly the one about Hermione and Ron, work well for those of us who have read the books, they don't make a lot of sense in the context of the setting itself. These issues, plus some grammer and spelling problems, are things you should work on for the next installment.
I'm sorry if I seem overly negative here, but I honestly did like this chapter; it wouldn't be in the favourites otherwise. There's some decent stuff in here, but for next time, some extra polish and a beta reader will go a long way in bringing out its full potential. Looking forward to the next installment!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Dani1202 In reply to ThePhoenixKing [2009-08-19 14:09:23 +0000 UTC]
Nah, I don't mind your critics at all. How could I improve if there'd be no one who points my mistakes out?
I intend to repost a corrected version once the full story's finished anyway. However, I'll try to get someone to beta read the next parts, thanks for that tip.
Nice to know you enjoyed it anyway!
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ThePhoenixKing In reply to Dani1202 [2009-08-20 02:48:17 +0000 UTC]
Very good philosophy, and one that I hold to even to this day. Without some good constructive criticism, I'd probably still be at the level of writing seen in my opening stories on FF.net, and I can barely read them sometimes! Betas can be a great resource IMHO, and if you are having trouble finding someone, I'd be more than happy to help out. Anyways, keep up the good work!
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JakTheRenegade [2009-08-17 19:43:16 +0000 UTC]
This is looking good so far, I can't wait for part 2.
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Dani1202 In reply to JakTheRenegade [2009-08-18 22:21:09 +0000 UTC]
Well, I'll try not to make you wait too long!
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JakTheRenegade In reply to Dani1202 [2009-08-19 06:17:12 +0000 UTC]
Take your time, rushing doesn't help.
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Dani1202 In reply to JakTheRenegade [2009-08-19 14:11:52 +0000 UTC]
I know, I don't intend to rush, I just want to see how the story unfolds since I'm never sure of that myself at the beginning...^^
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JakTheRenegade In reply to Dani1202 [2009-08-20 21:27:26 +0000 UTC]
I know how that feels. I always have trouble with the opening lines.
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ED3765 [2009-08-17 02:11:53 +0000 UTC]
this is looking good, I can't wait to see the next part.
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himariDot [2009-08-16 17:29:36 +0000 UTC]
Ooh just read through it and I can't wait until it gets to the "good stuff" so to speak >w