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Published: 2010-08-01 15:32:24 +0000 UTC; Views: 190; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description
Justin woke from his deep slumber. The second his eyes were opened he knew something was wrong. He was sleeping on his back, so that he was staring on the ceiling. Gone was his skull poster that normally hung there. He quickly sat up and scanned his new surroundings. The room was bare and white. He was lying on what appeared to be a hospital bed. On his right was an IV bag. He followed the tube and it led to his right arm. At first he panicked, but suddenly realized it was only taped. He ripped off the tape and got off the bed onto the floor. His hands dashed to his head as he fought off a headache. He stood there for a few minutes until it depleted.He stepped out of his room into the pure white hallway. If he focused on the ceiling he could see the lights but they blended with the pure white ceiling. The hallway went on continuously were it was farther than he could see. He decided to go to the right hoping to find out where he was.
After walking for what seemed a century he heard laughter behind him. He looked behind and saw a clown just coming into view. He had a painted smile on top of his normal smile that seemed to stretch from ear to ear. The rest of his face was painted pure white with fake red blood tears coming from his eyes and a big black nose. He was running like he was constipated. He was running at Justin with blinding speed.
Justin ran as fast as he could, but the clown was gaining distance with every second. When the clown was a couple yards away he pulled out a large sharp butcher's knife. Justin noticed a white door coming up and jumped inside it. When he was close enough he jumped in and slammed the door behind him with extreme speed.
What he saw in the room horrified him. There were dead bodies everywhere. Blood was splattered everywhere, on the wall, the floors, and even the ceiling. The room itself was the size of a football field. After he got over the initial shock Justin noticed movement on his right. It had the shape of a monkey, the skin of a bat, and the face of a porcupine. In its fur was what seemed to be quills. It was jumping on a corpse throwing its blood on the wall. He realized these things were all over the room. Justin decided to take his chances with the clown, but found out the door wouldn't open. He looked around the room and spotted what appeared to be a door on the other side of the room.
He tried to go slowly so he wouldn't be noticed by the creatures. After his fifth step one of the creatures noticed he wasn't red and threw blood at him. Justin dodged it and the creature got pissed. Its quills shot out aiming for Justin, but they all missed. Justin ran as fast as he could. Soon all the creatures were after him. He jumped over dead bodies, dodged blood and quills, and tried to keep away from the creatures. About half way across the room he got hit in the face with blood. The impact made him stumble, but he recovered quickly. Ten yards away from the door a creature appeared behind a body, next to Justin, blowing quills. A quill caught him in his left palm sticking all the way through. Due to the adrenaline he did not feel the pain. H finally reached the doorknob and tried it. The door opened and he ran out and shut the door behind him. He threw up. His lunch spewed out in front of him. The pain in his palm finally registered. Justin hit the floor covered in blood, some from his hand and some from the impact to the face.
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Comments: 9
youshakemyblood [2010-08-06 16:48:55 +0000 UTC]
Because I'm not a premium member, I can't write critiques, so I hope you don't mind this being out where everyone can see it.
You have some grammatical errors, and I think that maybe you didn't reread it after you typed it in because there are some words in the text that don't make sense, but that you could have confused or mistakenly typed for another word.
I would also probably try to use more description in your story. Instead of the monkey creatures getting "pissed" is there a more descriptive way to tell it so that we can get more emotion and imagery? Curse words are so overused these days that to describe something like as such becomes tiresome. It's like using simple words like "Good" or "Bad" over and over again when you can use "Jubilant" or "Horrific".
My biggest advice for you would be to reread your works after you write them slowly and out loud. When you read it in your mind, it's going to sound right and you will naturally skip over words if they look right. When you read it out loud, you can actually hear mistakes. This will also help to eliminate some of those choppy sentences that you have.
Overall, it was a very interesting story. It reminded me of the Gooosebumps series by RL Stein. Have you read them? And what gave you the idea for this story?
I really like the monkey creatures. I can just picture them in my head when I read it and it's great.
Sorry if my reviews sound negative. I really did like the story though.
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
davewrite In reply to youshakemyblood [2010-08-06 18:10:17 +0000 UTC]
I get some good ideas from daymares. thats what this came from. It started with a thing im doing. ( 100 topics into short story) the topic was blood. I kept having the vision of a room full of blood and bodies. after like a month of thought this came up in a daymare. ( why daydream when you can daymare?)
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
youshakemyblood In reply to davewrite [2010-08-06 20:14:57 +0000 UTC]
Very nice. I like that. I usually do that, but with people I REALLY hate. Imagine different ways for them to.... kick it? lol. I swear im not crazy XD or sick...
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
davewrite In reply to youshakemyblood [2010-08-06 17:39:24 +0000 UTC]
Thank you for this. It does not sound negative. THis will really help my writing thank you, and thanks for the commenting!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Phantom-Wolf42 [2010-08-06 13:44:31 +0000 UTC]
This is the second piece I looked at, and I'm sorry to say, but neither really caught my attention and so I couldn't, even after vain attempts, finish them.
They seem to have good story lines, but the short and quick sentences really push me away.
Sorry
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
davewrite In reply to Phantom-Wolf42 [2010-08-06 17:23:41 +0000 UTC]
Ya I know I need to work on it. thanks for telling me what I did wrong. Thank you for the comment
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Phantom-Wolf42 In reply to davewrite [2010-08-07 00:35:42 +0000 UTC]
I don't mean to be rude, I just suggest squishing two sentences together. For example;
Ya I know I need to work on it. thanks for telling me what I did wrong. Thank you for the comment>
can turn into
Ya I know I need to work on it, thanks for telling me what I did wrong and thank you for the comment
Or something similar.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
davewrite In reply to Phantom-Wolf42 [2010-08-07 12:59:57 +0000 UTC]
Your not rude. You need negative criticism to progress. thanks for the comments!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1