Crying-Out [2010-09-14 10:30:28 +0000 UTC]

I think this is very good. I really like the imagery I got from the whole thing. I especially like the last verse. I also really like how the reader interpurts the whole thing. Awesome job.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

traitorousValkyrie [2010-08-25 22:26:18 +0000 UTC]

I don't think I could find the right words to describe how this piece makes me feel. It's really....raw. In a good way of course. And it touches something deep down. Amazing work.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

GodsSparkleyGirl [2010-08-09 22:52:46 +0000 UTC]

Wow. This is actually really good. Not saying that I would think it would be bad, of course.
Good deviations.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

curls13 [2010-08-07 19:56:19 +0000 UTC]

Woah, it's so psychological, it messes with your mind.
It was a little bit confusing, but none the less you're a really good poet. Keep up the good work :}

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

davewrite [2010-08-07 01:37:19 +0000 UTC]

I wrote this a while ago ,so I forgot what I was thinking when I wrote this.
THe rhyme is chaotic to fit the poems feeling. abcabc,ddaec,fghh,iijj.
I'm new to poem writing so I really appreciate all the comments!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

trplegoddess [2010-08-06 23:38:04 +0000 UTC]

I can relate to this.. It definately says how I feel during a stressful time. Like my thoughts r trappped in a bottle, suffering the wages of war in the dangerous sea of emotions.
Sometimes what doesn't make sense to one, makes total sense to another. Tis why it is called 'open to interpretation'.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

youshakemyblood [2010-08-06 16:56:34 +0000 UTC]

This was interesting and I like the fact that it's up to the reader to interpret the overall meaning of it. I also like the imagery and the thought that you get when you use the term "shell".

However, like another deviant mentioned, the fact that there is a rhyme in the first stanza kind of throws the rest of the poem off. Sometimes writers do this to give a kind of impact to the rest of the work, but unless it's really good, it usually makes it harder to read the poem. This is because when you read a poem, your mind's voice usually reads it with a sort of tempo. I understand that you chose this to be "Free & Blank Verse" and that you don't like meter, but you have to understand how this could affect the reader and use it to your advantage (I'm not sure if you meant for it to rhyme on purpose or not, however).

Punctuation may make a lot of difference in this poem as well. The random question marks (not that they ARE random, because they do have a purpose where you put them) and no other punctuation in the poem kind of throws it off as well. Again, when reading it, the mind's voice kind of needs punctuation there to keep the flow going. It makes it seem kind of choppy without them.

In the third line of the last stanza, that "a" should be an "an". But other than that, I believe that this was my favorite stanza of the whole thing, and I can totally relate to it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

xDamagedRose08x [2010-08-06 16:04:11 +0000 UTC]

I think this is pretty good. I can totally relate to what this says.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

twingunnerhaseo [2010-08-06 13:30:04 +0000 UTC]

I like how you leave it up to the reader to interpret it in their own way. All I could think when I read it was someone who is paralyzed and unable to move or speak watching as each day passes, screaming for help but no voice comes out and trying to break free but unable to move.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

veritaslux [2010-07-30 15:56:02 +0000 UTC]

This doesn't really make much sense, if I'm honest, and I think that the lack of punctuation adds to that even more. For example, a colon at the end of the first line would improve the flow of it.

The first two verses aren't rhymed, and the second two are, which is also odd, especially as there's no set metre.

To improve, you should look at adding more structure to your work, spelling things correctly, and adding punctuation to your lines.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1