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davidfoxfire — Ballad of JB: Two Items 01
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Published: 2012-10-02 06:40:16 +0000 UTC; Views: 1782; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 17
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I have two ideas going back to back and on the same sheet here. So I might as well combine the two in one deviation.Left Item: Amber's MacGruffin #2: The Magic Pen.
This one was suggested in other MacGruffin devs, but with a IM conservation I got not only a decent plot device, but I have it connected to Lantz Corporation's past.
This pen (#1 in a set of 25 in the world) has a special ability for artists and especially animatiors. It'll show up in Chapter 3: Amber will play with it with an animation pad, doign the keyframes. And then goes back to do the inbetween frames, only to find out that the pen already did it all. With this pen, Amber can do the work of the entire studio army of rank and file animators. Of course, she still needs to get them all scanned in and colored, but that's what computers are for.
These pens were created in Eastern Europe in the 18th century by some mysterious metal for the nibs. The source of this metal isn't known. All anyone knows that it has some magical properties. An immigrant who came to America had about a dozen of these pens with him and he handed them out to all the classic animators in the Depression Era.
At this point, look at the runes on the barrel. All of the pens have them, and they spell "Dream Makers" That's where the studio name came from. That's why the case has the old-school logo of the box which drew Amber to it.
The people who made those pens would say that they seeks out those they chose their owners. Everyone today would just say she just got a deal.
Right Item: Susan the Konichi
This will not come into play during the story behind the strip, but it will be a part of Susan's past (half-remembered though it is) that she remembers during her time with Johnny. Not all of it, but enough to draw some interest in what she's all about. Also unspoken is something Ed Greenwood (The guy who thought up D&D's Forgotten Realms) once said: Ends are sometimes left loose. [link] Hopefully the loose ends will gather enough interest in the world behind this comic for some sequels.
What will be brought into light is that Susan came from another mosue colony and maybe another Ratsperiment. Is the similar to what Johnny's colony came from? Perhaps, Perhaps. This colony is settled up north, in colder climates. According to what Susan remembered, her village got distroyed and for all she knew, she was the sole survivor. She doesn't know how she got to Toon sizes as well (Blame Lantz for that; she's part of a ploy for him to get Johnny into his corporation.) In fact, between the loss of her village and waking up to see Johnny, her mind's a total blank.
What I had in this idea, and I cleared it all with Drew, the one who created Susan, is that her colony is actually a Ninja clan guarding something. (Yeah, I was watching a lot of Dead or Alive 5 gameplays when I thought this up
The Left Item is pretty much useable at this point, and I've written past it's introduction in the breakdown section. The Right Item? Discuss it or not, feel free.
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Comments: 7
Point 1: I don't have a problem with the concept in of itself, it's the suspension of disbelief that needs to be upheld in order for the story to be fantastic, yet still believable that I call into question. If you two have that planned out, that's great; It's a doable stretch to say they learned it from imitating humans: it becomes lost when they learned a human art (including weapon usage) without human contact.
Points 2 and 3 are a bit similar, so I can address them together. Yes, David wants to entertain people. However, the work he has put out in the past WAS entertaining, but not for reasons he ever wanted. I'm sure you know the past history that David has been through. He laments his reputation earned through years, decades of his (admittedly laughable) work being torn apart by the collective anonymity of the internet.
Hell, I first ran into his work through TV tropes, found some of his old work and found it rife with rather odd fetishes, rewritten canon characters, thinly veiled copies of famous characters and a self-insertion complex the likes I'd never seen (among other things).
I've been told not to sugarcoat this, so heads up: I'm not going to "sit back and enjoy" something that really, REALLY needs some serious straightening out. Without help, this could have turned out like his old work; laden with unneeded fetish material, with either Johnny Briz, cheered on by the rest of the mundane cast, single-handedly destroying all his enemies, or petering out halfway through, abandon ed for the next ham-handed self-insertion plot based on the latest game he bought. I apologize for the harsh words, but I'd rather he see them from someone trying to help, rather than the anonymous hordes on ED.
es, we were all amateurs at one point. We have to learn from where we went wrong. While there has been marginal improvements, there is still a lot of ground to make up in order to be a success. He wants people to like his work for what it is, not as something to
Laugh at. In order to do that, he needs to understand the basics of what makes all of the things he liked successful: Cohesive plots, varied characters with their own motivations and immersing the reader in a fantastic world that keeps people eager to turn the page. He needs help putting all of this together to avoid returning to his old ways.
My, that was long-winded. Sorry about that.
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Yeah. That's why I have you do the running commentary here on DA. If something is really askew and needs to be straightened out, by all means call it out now rather than when I'm posting the pages.
(And you're right about the doable stretch of both mice colonies learning martial arts from watching and imitating humans, like what Splinter did in the original TMNT movie--the only one that separated Splinter from Hamato Yoshi I actually liked. And over the years they experimented and worked up their own style from there.)
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For the record, I would lime to draw attention to that last point I posted initially: There seems to be some fight-oriented fanservice brewing in the rather non-combative plot.
I like fighting conflicts as much as any red-blooded man, but if you're going to include sparring and MMA stuff, it needs explanation.
It's just off the top of my head, but perhaps after a first altercation with those scientists, it would be wise for him to learn some self-defense. The only other way I can think of is after the whole story is done, he might learn it for a role in a film and pursue it further out of interest.
But that's just me rambling.
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True in both forms. I think Johnny's initial Tae Kwan Do practice--which will be explained like you mentioned before, by his instructors imitating it from humans--were used more for the exercise first, self-defense second. That's where some of the practices katas will come from. Along the way he picks up some more moves and forms up a fighting style that can by flashy or functional when the need arises.
The real need Johnny would have is the ability to take down humans three to four times his height. At first I have him wall run his way up to the target's head and hook or roundhouse him at the proverbial button. That and him needing to dodge all the attacks from the much larger opponent.
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About the pen: A quick look into Wikipedia shows that the majority of fountain pens like this one were circulated in the 1850s during the Birmingham Pen trade, and the real bulk of animation began in the early 1900s. I'm not sure a lot of magic was taking place during those times (other than the Lovecraft mythos and it would be wise not to go there), but I can't come up with any other explanation for the runes outside of "It's magic, deal with it". Other than the timeframe used, the pen itself would probably have an inkwell rather than a cap given its age.
About Susan, I have to raise the point for you and Drew. Before the experiment that made her Minnie-sized, wouldn't she have been a normal mouse? How exactly would an entire colony of normal mice learn Ninjutsu in (presumably) the middle of the US, and for what purpose outside of "I think it'd be cool"? Adding unneeded cool things is something pulled from amateur fanfiction; Unprofessional, out of place, and leaves you open to the ridicule of others much less charitable than I.
On that note, there sure seems like a lot of subconscious combat themes in a story that probably won't have much to do with fighting (outside of maybe one or two scenes, which hopefully won't be curb stomps). If you're that much of a battlemaniac, you might want to start a sub-series based on that, rather than shoehorn it into a plot that doesn't require it.
Yes, I am a kill-joy. I'm sorry, but if you want a furry story about MMA Legend Johnny Briz and his American Ninja girlfriend Susan, then write a separate story about that with all the one-sided combat you want. It doesn't have much in the way of purpose in this story.
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I was looking more at the way the pen is refilled. Looking at Wikipedia, I found out about "Screw-mechanism piston-fillers were made as early as the 1820s, but the mechanism's modern popularity begins with the original Pelikan of 1929, based upon a Croatian patent. The basic idea is simple: turn a knob at the end of the pen, and a screw mechanism draws a piston up the barrel, sucking in ink. Thus they were easier to fill. This is also why this filling mechanism is very popular in today's fountain pens. Some of the earlier models had to dedicate as much as half of the pen length to the mechanism. The advent of telescoping pistons has improved this." [link] I might have depicted the mechanism wrong on the drawing here.
As for Susan, I understand what the concerns are. And I need to reiterate that this part will not be part of the main story. (Like what Drew said beneath me.) It might not even be used at all (KISS) unless, as you said, as a different story. I'm just putting it here to help flesh out Susan as a characters (Probably will be better if I stay on topic, of course) as well to give out hints that will keep viewers on the strip.
Emphasis on "It might not even bet used in this story at all."
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One, how the village got to where it is and how the residents learned Ninjutsu will be covered in later stories.
Two, It's a story meant to entertain, not teach. So stop over analysing it, sit back and enjoy it.
and finally three, aren't ALL professional writers amateurs at one time?
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