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davidfoxfire β Introduction Script
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Published: 2012-10-16 00:19:21 +0000 UTC; Views: 1980; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 12
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There's two items here. The first is a three-page introduction piece where Amber and Johnny introduce the script. I've been told that it might be required to keep my hagglers in the know about how the script is going. It's in the attached PDF. The graphic is of the two facing the camera, Johnny will be standing on a box and a curtain will be behind them. Think of the animated scene at the start of the Mickey Mouse Club (Series 1 and 2) where Mickey goes, "Hiya Mousketters!" (Something Johnny will [b]not be caught dead[/b] saying. He might add 'Mouske-' to other things for comedic effect. Example: He might pull up a Swiss Army Knife and goes, "This calls for the job of my Mousketool, and it's a better one in that CG Clubhouse gig." (Of course, if this idea doesn't work, or just bounces off the proverbial wall, I'll drop it.)The second piece is more for my hagglers than for the strip: I had a thought that I might want to have a haggling group in DA where we can haggle more in private. Do you think all of you want me to set up a private group, or would it be all right to just stay here and not fix what's broken.
EDIT: I knew that the script needed some work, and the feedback is enough for me to get it right. A changed the background, as well as made Johnny's laugh and mannerisms more his own. For example--which I'll show later on--when he finds something new, the first thing he does is sniff at it, his whole snout twitching in curiosity. I also corrected most grammatical errors and added in better wording.
EDIT 02: Because of the suggestion to set up the dialogue for feedback, I edited the script because this is going to be the the dialogue for the three pages. I wanted to go through this anyway to make sure Johnny talks like...well...a cartoon character incarnated. I'm talking inspiration from ~Elera depicting how Mickey talks in her own web comic [link] [link] . I'll also be using a different font in JB's word balloons to denote "Falsetto" on the page. (To me, Mickey's old enough to be able to talk like more human, but Johnny--and Susan for that matter--would have some errors in translation.)
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Comments: 12
For the record, I agree with PorygonV. Less name drops would be cool! It's good to let your audience come to their own conclusions and develop their own thoughts and feelings about the characters- it becomes more personal and beloved that way rather than prepackaged and prefabricated.
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Yeah. It's something I'll hope to avoid when I start making the script and pitch bible. And if those thoughts and feelings were sent back to me during the script so I can keep this feedback, so much the better
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You can count on me (and others) to point out name drops and grammatical/spelling errors, for the sake of the project.
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If you want to do a story about Mickey Mouse, then by all means do so. However, I would advise thinking long and hard about what defines Johnny as himself, rather than just being parts of Jonathan Brisby and Mickey Mouse glued together with sick-awesome hobbies like Parkour and Tae Kwon Do.
Once again, we've returned to using thinly veiled copies of more prominent things. Sure, I can see some notable differences between your work and that of Disney, but if you're using "similar to the introduction scene of the classic Mickey Mouse Club" in the very first line, your readers will think of it as Annette and Mickey talking (in an out of character fashion), rather than Amber and Johnny. The dialogue is passable with some typo and grammatical fixes.
From the top down:
1. Remove the references to the Mickey Mouse Club. Let people think how the scene appears for themselves (Subsequently, the "mouske-" prefix won't work in this sense). Johnny doesn't need to mimic Mickey any more than he already does: does he have his own verbal tics or mannerisms to use instead of the Mickey laugh?
2. Amber's first line is a huge sentence that can easily be broken up into two. Introduce her and state what she does, period. Then introduce Johnny in another sentence.
3. Johnny is asking about the "back story" of Chromatown in response to Amber mentioning "the story behind" the events that will unfold. In addition, leave out the part about 'not selling out'; let's not spoil an important plot point.
4. David "didn't think" or "hasn't thought" of an audience yet. Pick one of the two in quotations. I would suggest the latter, as in you will eventually find an audience for your work.
5. I would quote the 'if you build it...' line. Lead in with "You know the old saying," and then use the quote. I'm a little on the fence about her pet name for him, but keep it if you want.
6. Johnny says "there's going to be added as well". What is going to be added? Action? Suspense? Romance? Chocolate?
7. And lastly: a web comic thirty years in the making is setting yourself up for a colossal hurdle: Both Duke Nukem and Diablo 3 were ten years in the making, and were largely crap because people had huge expectations based on having that much development time. They will expect nothing short of perfection if you've spent *thirty years* trying to get it right. Given how much I've found to correct thus far, you might not want to mention how long you've been working on this.
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I thought it would've been a good idea, and didn't think much else behind the comic. And like we've discussed, I will be depicting Johnny as his own man, er, mouse, rather than a composite. Also unspoken is the obvious. The Mickey Mouse Club style opener? Placeholder!
The introduction 'stage' can be more toward Chromatown than "The Mickey Mouse Club" Maybe some other theme is in order outside of just a curtain. A city scape perhaps. Or a rooftop.
I'll remove the Mickey Mouse Club references then. I knew it'll bounce off. However, Johnny does have his own unique tick: His nose, it wiggles as he sniffs out everything...that's how he gets to know the world around him, ears wide nose atwitching. He does have his own distinct laugh or chuckle, but it's in three parts: heh-heh-heh.
Consider the first line broken, the 'not selling out' and '30 years in the making' removed, 'hasn't thought' chosen, and 'You know the saying,' added.
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Okay, thanks for edifying a few of those points. I still think point six needs addressing.
You can certainly use a stage or stage-like setting if you want. If you're planning on telling the story like a theater production, then it's fine as it is.
From what I can tell, it seems you reference these established things because you seem worried your audience wouldn't grasp the concepts you're trying to convey. Is that true? If it is, I would try writing something without the inspirational description. If you spend some time on the actual description without mentioning the inspiration, it allows your readers to draw their own conclusions and you'll have a more polished, original work.
Which sample description sounds more professional to you; 'A quick wit gives Johnny a slick one-liner in almost any situation', or 'Johnny has a cool attitude like a certain blue hedgehog'? I could keep going with these, but I'm sure I've beaten that point to death already.
As for the haggling space, I guess I could go along with that if you wanted to. I don't see how different it would be from working here (unless it's real time or something), but I'll play along.
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I skipped part 6 much the same way you wanted me to take out the part about 'not selling out,' but to be on the record, Amber and Johnny do become an item in a way. Nothing gutter-territory, mind you, although Amber is known to give Johnny a lip lock, and let him curl up in bed with her, or on her lap.
And you might be right on ΒΆ3, where I'm unsure on getting the point across. Probably because I'm still searching for the audience, as Johnny said. While the 'placeholders' are there for my own benefit, (because they're close to what I need to say and I can work from there) things will get father if I take the description and work on it without mentioning it once I get the replacement, would it?
While the former description for Johnny is clearly better, like you said, beaten to death areas.
And I wanted a space where we can haggle in real time. I tried to have a screencasted session over at a streaming site, but it slows my computer too much.
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Okay, point 6 was about the sentence missing its noun. I was just curious as to what that noun could have been.
To respond to ΒΆ3 in my reply, the easy solution is to remove the "placeholder" description before posting publicly. It may take a few practice swings, but it'll help. Get good enough at it and you won't need the placeholders anymore.
I'll go along for the real time chat space. Maybe a multi user chatroom on AIM or something could work without being too resource heavy.
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Maybe I could find another streaming program that plays better with my computer. Let me look around.
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Is it awful that I imagine this happening, but with the stuffed animals things from the amusement park in Franken Fran?
If you haven't read it, I recommend it, it is awesome.
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I'll put it in my to-read list.
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