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Description
deusprogrammer’s Guide to Relationships:

About the Author: deusprogrammer has gone to the University of Relationships and Car Salesmanship for over 4 minutes and graduated top of his class with honors from a class of two.  He has also lived alternative lives as a woman and a microwave pizza.  So thus he is properly qualified to speak for both sexes and he is down to 2 men (needing 20 more coins before he gets a 1up).

As a child he regularly slept, ate things and went to various schools of varying difficulty and location.  Finally he graduated only to work at a gas station in some state.  Then he did a bunch of stuff and wrote this book.

Warnings:
-Don’t use this book if pregnant or nursing.
-May cause anal hemorrhaging.
-May contain peanuts.
-Do not taunt this book.
-Don’t read it if you can’t take a joke (take this one seriously).

Preface:

So, you just bought one of those shiny new relationships everyone has been talking about eh?  Well before you tear open the box and…wait…my editor has just told me that relationships aren’t for sale (except in Amsterdam) and that I am actually holding an expired box of Reese’s Pieces…anyways, this book assumes that:

1. You have a girl/boyfriend.
2. In the case you don’t have one of those things mentioned above, you either have a computer capable of storing a lot of porn or a Persocom/Absolute Boyfriend with a USB 2.0 Port and the ability to say anything besides “Chii!”
3. If you do have a Persocom that says “Chii” skip to Chapter 8: “Dealing with Retarded Persocoms”.
4. Your genitals weren’t mutilated in a freak blender accident.
5. That you can read.
6. If you can’t read this, please ask a smart person to hit you with this book.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to it.

Chapter 1: Fun Facts!

Let’s start off with some fun facts about relationships!  First of all…let’s get the most important one out of the way first!

“Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina!”

Okay, now put down the book and let that sink in…when you are done thinking or fapping pick the book back up and continue reading.
Okay done?  Did you wash your hands?  Good!  If you haven’t washed your hands yet, turn to Chapter 9: “Thinking About Marriage” and tear out a page to use for the purpose of hand cleansing.  These pages are also useful for wiping up after a healthy bowel movement.

Anyways, the above statement contains nouns and verbs which include the words vagina and penis.  Webster’s Dictionary defines a relationship as the constant battle between a woman’s uterus and a man’s testicles.  This is very true and should never be forgotten.  Your ways of thinking will constantly be at odds with each other’s and every minor nuisance can instantly become a veritable holocaust.  But this book is to prevent this from happening and lead you down the path of a happy relationship that will last until one of you bores of the other.

Chapter 2: For Girls

This Chapter is super secret and only for girls, so if you are a boy you have to stop reading right now, or your testicles will fall off and roll behind a filing cabinet (if you don’t have a filing cabinet then one will be supplied at no charge).

Okay…I think they are gone now…good.  Alright ladies, the first lesson to learn is the one I just demonstrated.  In this relationship you are the cobra commander.  His testicles are firmly in your grasp and he must obey you.  If your man won’t do something, then just flash a subtle hint that you might have sex with him and then when he full fills his half of the bargain instantly fall asleep with your legs firmly shut.  Fake snoring helps too, because that will cause him to lose interest and go off to cry about his blue balls.

Another thing to remember is that you are a girl and you have superior reasoning power to your man.  It is a known fact that a man’s brain is powered completely by his testicles, so all of his reasoning is likely to fail.  Ladies, what I’m trying to say is you are always right!  No matter what happened, it is your God given right to turn it around and make it his fault.  Say you are cheating on him with his best friend…when he catches you blame it on the time he made you a bowl of cereal and forgot to put milk in it.  Then when you see the confusion set in start crying and calling him a jerk.  This will work every time since you hold the power.

Now for an exercise, say you just stabbed your man with that shiny new Katana you just bought at the mall.  He’s lying on the floor bleeding and screaming at you for stabbing him.  What is the proper response?

The answer is, he shouldn’t have been occupying the same space as your sword, and if he were enough of a man he would have dodged it.  For bonus points, screw his best friend while he’s on the floor bleeding and then call him a jerk and run away crying.

And finally, if he tells you that you are neglecting him just accuse him of the polar opposite.  Just say, “no you are just too clingy”.  Then cry and say you need space and lock yourself in the bathroom.  Then he will feel horrible and buy you an iPod.

Chapter 5: For Boys

Okay guys, this chapter is just for you.  Remember that this woman you are with is probably more than you deserve so you should do everything she says.  But when things aren’t going your way you can use this special technique.

Step 1:  Say “I’ma putting my foot down!”
Step 2:  Form the seals of the cow, tiger, and goat.se with your right hand.
Step 3:  Flash the lights in the room for effect.
Step 4:  Scream “FOOT DOWN NO JUTSU!”
Step 5:  Slam your foot down and irradiate the room with pure testosterone.

This move will negate the powers of her uterus and allow you to speak your mind…oh wait, I forgot…I should have told you this first guys…you are always wrong.  Whenever she gets mad at you, just give her flowers and a letter you have pre-formatted with an empty space for the offense you have committed.  Here is an example:

Dear GIRLS NAME HERE,
I am sorry for SAYING YOU LOOKED PRETTY TODAY.  I didn’t realize that YOUR TURTLE DIED TODAY.  Please forgive me GIRLS NAME HERE!

Hugs/Kisses,
YOUR NAME HERE

Please perform the following acts as a reward:
Kiss[X]
Sex[X]
Blowjob[X]

This will get you off the hook all the time.

Now remember that woman are like a complicated vending machine, first insert all the money you have and then press buttons until you finally get what you want.  And if it gets stuck try rocking it back and forth a little bit.

Chapter 6: Intercourse

Okay for women, this is the really easy part.  First of all make sure you have gotten all the money/work you wanted done out of your man before giving him what he wants.  If you still have a chore you want done, lay there in your underwear and look as innocent as possible.  After that’s done assuming you are actually in the mood for the encounter (if not fall back on the fall asleep and snore tactic discussed in Chapter 4), remove your clothing and make the man do all the work.  The only thing you really have to do is occasionally make some sort of a noise or say “yes”.  The noises can be anything from the sound of a car horn (my personal favorite) to an air raid siren.  The reason you are saying “yes” is to give him permission to continue.  Once you are done you will just have to lay there and wait until he is finished, then be sure to complain about how sore you are.

Okay guys, you just got done painting the entire house and dusting her entire Fushigi Yuugi goshapon collection…you have earned this!  Start off by attempting to pleasure her with your hands.  If you hear her start snoring and roll over you are doing it wrong.  Also remember these foreplay hints:

1. Women don’t like being flicked in the eye.
2. Sweet nothings should be simple…not “Your hair is a brilliant bouquet of fragrances…like a bag of Skittles.”
3. You aren’t using a belt sander to pleasure her, be gentle.
4. If you are using a belt sander then make sure she’s still alive and then apologize (refer to letter in Chapter 5 which is shown below in case you forgot already)

Dear GIRLS NAME HERE,
I am sorry for REMOVING YOUR CLITORIS WITH A BELT SANDER.  I didn’t realize that IT WAS PAINFUL TO HAVE YOUR FLESH RENDED AT 54000RPMS.  Please forgive me GIRLS NAME HERE!

Hugs/Kisses:
YOUR NAME HERE

Please perform the following acts as a reward:

Kiss[ ]
Sex[X]
Blowjob[ ]

Okay, now assuming you have her aroused, you may now put it in.  If she starts snoring again, repeat the foreplay step.

Chapter 7: Having a Conversation

This one can more difficult than the sex part which is why I left it for later.  There are two very simple rules for each gender to adhere to.

Men
1) Don’t mention football.
2) Talk to her face, not her boobs.

Women
1) Don’t bore him with stories about what you did with your girlfriends today.
2) If all else fails mention you are on your period and he will immediately become your slave for the next 5 days.

Here is an example:

Man: Hey honey!
Woman: Hey dear!
Man: Boy work sure was hard today!
Woman: Really what happened?  I missed you.
Man: Well the cat I was working on exploded and I got cancer of the rectum.  And I missed you too.

Then kiss and proceed to ignore each other for the rest of the day.

Here is an example of a bad conversation:

Man: Hey boobs…I mean honey.
Woman: Hey baby…can I have 5 dollars to get my hair done with the girls?
Man: Sure thing…that’s the breast…best idea you’ve had today.  Work sure was hard today…
Woman: Really?  That’s not as bad as my cramps, but what happened today?
Man:  Well the cat I was working on turned into a football and I was going for a touch down and the boss stole the football from me.
Woman:  Jerk…
Man:  Bitch…

So just remember, keep it short and simple otherwise you might say something offensive.

Chapter 8:  Dealing with Retarded Persocoms

Just stick it in.  You aren’t going to get much of a conversation.  A fun party game can be teaching it to call itself funny words like a “dick fart” or an “ass potato”.

Chapter 9:  Thinking about Marriage

One word…don’t.  Please use the following 20 pages to draw pictures of assorted zoo animals on.

Wasn’t that fun?

Description
deusprogrammer’s Guide to Relationships:

About the Author: deusprogrammer has gone to the University of Relationships and Car Salesmanship for over 4 minutes and graduated top of his class with honors from a class of two.  He has also lived alternative lives as a woman and a microwave pizza.  So thus he is properly qualified to speak for both sexes and he is down to 2 men (needing 20 more coins before he gets a 1up).

As a child he regularly slept, ate things and went to various schools of varying difficulty and location.  Finally he graduated only to work at a gas station in some state.  Then he did a bunch of stuff and wrote this book.

Warnings:
-Don’t use this book if pregnant or nursing.
-May cause anal hemorrhaging.
-May contain peanuts.
-Do not taunt this book.
-Don’t read it if you can’t take a joke (take this one seriously).

Preface:

So, you just bought one of those shiny new relationships everyone has been talking about eh?  Well before you tear open the box and…wait…my editor has just told me that relationships aren’t for sale (except in Amsterdam) and that I am actually holding an expired box of Reese’s Pieces…anyways, this book assumes that:

1. You have a girl/boyfriend.
2. In the case you don’t have one of those things mentioned above, you either have a computer capable of storing a lot of porn or a Persocom/Absolute Boyfriend with a USB 2.0 Port and the ability to say anything besides “Chii!”
3. If you do have a Persocom that says “Chii” skip to Chapter 8: “Dealing with Retarded Persocoms”.
4. Your genitals weren’t mutilated in a freak blender accident.
5. That you can read.
6. If you can’t read this, please ask a smart person to hit you with this book.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to it.

Chapter 1: Fun Facts!

Let’s start off with some fun facts about relationships!  First of all…let’s get the most important one out of the way first!

“Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina!”

Okay, now put down the book and let that sink in…when you are done thinking or fapping pick the book back up and continue reading.
Okay done?  Did you wash your hands?  Good!  If you haven’t washed your hands yet, turn to Chapter 9: “Thinking About Marriage” and tear out a page to use for the purpose of hand cleansing.  These pages are also useful for wiping up after a healthy bowel movement.

Anyways, the above statement contains nouns and verbs which include the words vagina and penis.  Webster’s Dictionary defines a relationship as the constant battle between a woman’s uterus and a man’s testicles.  This is very true and should never be forgotten.  Your ways of thinking will constantly be at odds with each other’s and every minor nuisance can instantly become a veritable holocaust.  But this book is to prevent this from happening and lead you down the path of a happy relationship that will last until one of you bores of the other.

Chapter 2: For Girls

This Chapter is super secret and only for girls, so if you are a boy you have to stop reading right now, or your testicles will fall off and roll behind a filing cabinet (if you don’t have a filing cabinet then one will be supplied at no charge).

Okay…I think they are gone now…good.  Alright ladies, the first lesson to learn is the one I just demonstrated.  In this relationship you are the cobra commander.  His testicles are firmly in your grasp and he must obey you.  If your man won’t do something, then just flash a subtle hint that you might have sex with him and then when he full fills his half of the bargain instantly fall asleep with your legs firmly shut.  Fake snoring helps too, because that will cause him to lose interest and go off to cry about his blue balls.

Another thing to remember is that you are a girl and you have superior reasoning power to your man.  It is a known fact that a man’s brain is powered completely by his testicles, so all of his reasoning is likely to fail.  Ladies, what I’m trying to say is you are always right!  No matter what happened, it is your God given right to turn it around and make it his fault.  Say you are cheating on him with his best friend…when he catches you blame it on the time he made you a bowl of cereal and forgot to put milk in it.  Then when you see the confusion set in start crying and calling him a jerk.  This will work every time since you hold the power.

Now for an exercise, say you just stabbed your man with that shiny new Katana you just bought at the mall.  He’s lying on the floor bleeding and screaming at you for stabbing him.  What is the proper response?

The answer is, he shouldn’t have been occupying the same space as your sword, and if he were enough of a man he would have dodged it.  For bonus points, screw his best friend while he’s on the floor bleeding and then call him a jerk and run away crying.

And finally, if he tells you that you are neglecting him just accuse him of the polar opposite.  Just say, “no you are just too clingy”.  Then cry and say you need space and lock yourself in the bathroom.  Then he will feel horrible and buy you an iPod.

Chapter 5: For Boys

Okay guys, this chapter is just for you.  Remember that this woman you are with is probably more than you deserve so you should do everything she says.  But when things aren’t going your way you can use this special technique.

Step 1:  Say “I’ma putting my foot down!”
Step 2:  Form the seals of the cow, tiger, and goat.se with your right hand.
Step 3:  Flash the lights in the room for effect.
Step 4:  Scream “FOOT DOWN NO JUTSU!”
Step 5:  Slam your foot down and irradiate the room with pure testosterone.

This move will negate the powers of her uterus and allow you to speak your mind…oh wait, I forgot…I should have told you this first guys…you are always wrong.  Whenever she gets mad at you, just give her flowers and a letter you have pre-formatted with an empty space for the offense you have committed.  Here is an example:

Dear GIRLS NAME HERE,
I am sorry for SAYING YOU LOOKED PRETTY TODAY.  I didn’t realize that YOUR TURTLE DIED TODAY.  Please forgive me GIRLS NAME HERE!

Hugs/Kisses,
YOUR NAME HERE

Please perform the following acts as a reward:
Kiss[X]
Sex[X]
Blowjob[X]

This will get you off the hook all the time.

Now remember that woman are like a complicated vending machine, first insert all the money you have and then press buttons until you finally get what you want.  And if it gets stuck try rocking it back and forth a little bit.

Chapter 6: Intercourse

Okay for women, this is the really easy part.  First of all make sure you have gotten all the money/work you wanted done out of your man before giving him what he wants.  If you still have a chore you want done, lay there in your underwear and look as innocent as possible.  After that’s done assuming you are actually in the mood for the encounter (if not fall back on the fall asleep and snore tactic discussed in Chapter 4), remove your clothing and make the man do all the work.  The only thing you really have to do is occasionally make some sort of a noise or say “yes”.  The noises can be anything from the sound of a car horn (my personal favorite) to an air raid siren.  The reason you are saying “yes” is to give him permission to continue.  Once you are done you will just have to lay there and wait until he is finished, then be sure to complain about how sore you are.

Okay guys, you just got done painting the entire house and dusting her entire Fushigi Yuugi goshapon collection…you have earned this!  Start off by attempting to pleasure her with your hands.  If you hear her start snoring and roll over you are doing it wrong.  Also remember these foreplay hints:

1. Women don’t like being flicked in the eye.
2. Sweet nothings should be simple…not “Your hair is a brilliant bouquet of fragrances…like a bag of Skittles.”
3. You aren’t using a belt sander to pleasure her, be gentle.
4. If you are using a belt sander then make sure she’s still alive and then apologize (refer to letter in Chapter 5 which is shown below in case you forgot already)

Dear GIRLS NAME HERE,
I am sorry for REMOVING YOUR CLITORIS WITH A BELT SANDER.  I didn’t realize that IT WAS PAINFUL TO HAVE YOUR FLESH RENDED AT 54000RPMS.  Please forgive me GIRLS NAME HERE!

Hugs/Kisses:
YOUR NAME HERE

Please perform the following acts as a reward:

Kiss[ ]
Sex[X]
Blowjob[ ]

Okay, now assuming you have her aroused, you may now put it in.  If she starts snoring again, repeat the foreplay step.

Chapter 7: Having a Conversation

This one can more difficult than the sex part which is why I left it for later.  There are two very simple rules for each gender to adhere to.

Men
1) Don’t mention football.
2) Talk to her face, not her boobs.

Women
1) Don’t bore him with stories about what you did with your girlfriends today.
2) If all else fails mention you are on your period and he will immediately become your slave for the next 5 days.

Here is an example:

Man: Hey honey!
Woman: Hey dear!
Man: Boy work sure was hard today!
Woman: Really what happened?  I missed you.
Man: Well the cat I was working on exploded and I got cancer of the rectum.  And I missed you too.

Then kiss and proceed to ignore each other for the rest of the day.

Here is an example of a bad conversation:

Man: Hey boobs…I mean honey.
Woman: Hey baby…can I have 5 dollars to get my hair done with the girls?
Man: Sure thing…that’s the breast…best idea you’ve had today.  Work sure was hard today…
Woman: Really?  That’s not as bad as my cramps, but what happened today?
Man:  Well the cat I was working on turned into a football and I was going for a touch down and the boss stole the football from me.
Woman:  Jerk…
Man:  Bitch…

So just remember, keep it short and simple otherwise you might say something offensive.

Chapter 8:  Dealing with Retarded Persocoms

Just stick it in.  You aren’t going to get much of a conversation.  A fun party game can be teaching it to call itself funny words like a “dick fart” or an “ass potato”.

Chapter 9:  Thinking about Marriage

One word…don’t.  Please use the following 20 pages to draw pictures of assorted zoo animals on.

Wasn’t that fun?