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devilhooker666 — Endless What If's
Published: 2005-12-31 04:48:21 +0000 UTC; Views: 145; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 3
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Description
What if you were here?What if I could hold you?
What if you let me keep you in my arms forever?
What if it all worked out,
And you tried for once?
I gotta give up,
I can’t keep living like this;
With these horrible dreams,
And endless what if’s.
Dreaming of the life that we should live
With children running through the house.
Dreaming of the perfect kiss
About every second of how I feel.
Dreaming forever won’t change it.
If I don’t give up soon
Then living like this will kill me.
I can’t keep dreaming
With endless what if’s.
What if your face didn’t make me want to cry?
What if it wasn’t just me seeing sparks?
What if I could finally convince you it’s time?
What if the clouds parted before you eyes
And you finally reached out to me?
Giving up never looked so good
Than is does after you.
What can I do with my dreaming
Of endless what if’s?
Dreaming of everything, of you;
Waking in the middle of the night smiling
Because everything I felt that night was doubled in the dream.
Dreaming of your confession of endless love.
Dreaming of the romance I fell for.
But it’s too late,
I’ve given up;
No more dreaming
Or endless what if’s.
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Comments: 19
The person who ends all the words with 'i' instead of 'y'... holy cow. (It's perhaps terribly rude of me to say so, but honestly.)
Ok. You need to learn semicolons, at least in my opinion since they're my favorite unit of punctuation. A semicolon separates two complete sentences that are related strongly, though not necessarily in agreement with each other; a strongly related contradiction sometimes utilizes semicolons. In the second stanza, your second line ends with a semicolon where really the first line comma and second line semicolon should be switched. Now that my little semicolon diatribe has concluded, the rest of the poem:
I would say "giving up never looked so good as" instead of 'than' as you have it.
Also, this doesn't seem like an open poem. It lacks a strong rhyme scheme, but it has a definite form as far as number of lines, and sometimes end rhyme, and the repetition of the "what ifs". (and it really is "ifs", not "if's")
I'm almost certain I've commented on enough of your stuff in the past that you know I prefer really dense poems, saying as much as possible without seeming forced and without dragging on. It's very hard to do (and at least one of the few poems I've written recently drives me up a wall since it's so far from the sort of poetry I consider really good) but it's worth trying. I think this poem could stand quite a bit of revision if you had a mind to stick with it. The emotion feels real, but overstated. Probably it's a case of 'show don't tell', which everybody says and which I still don't completely understand sometimes. You can feel it when you start to figure out little bits of how to let your reader figure things out for himself.
As for being away awhile and not catching up with things, it is important to realize that clicking the watch button doesn't mean you owe the people you watch anything, nor do the people who watch your stuff owe you anything. (It's like 'show don't tell' in its difficulty, but it's a good thing to strive towards in my opinion.)
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Wow. You took advanced critique to it's most literal meaning. And for that I thank you. Most people read it, say it's good, and move on. You took the time to actually tell me exactly what was wrong with it. And I thank you very much for that because only with advice like this can I get a lot better.
I agree with most of the things you said. I tried to use semi colons a lot because most people write poetry without any punctuation what-so-ever. I try very much to use some because that bothers me. I agree that, after I read this a few days later, I repeated myself a lot, but at the same time I said it all in different ways. And the end was mildly forced and with a little revision I could probably make it smoother.
Although I'm quite fond of basically everyone in my watch list, I had no intentions of coming back in the sense that I would comment on their work. It's all amazing or I wouldn't watch them, but I lack the time and drive to look at anything new. I barely have time for my own poetry, let alone reading/commenting someone else's.
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I've read critiques that put my attempts to shame, but I try to point things out when I can find them.
Using punctuation or not is one of the many decisions writers have to deal with--prose writers as well as poets sometimes, though you'd have to either be James Joyce or be far more arrogant than I am to write prose without fairly conventional punctuation. You could play around with different structures poems have taken to see what appeals to you (since you wrote in the description box that you feel you've lost your way in your poems) and try different kinds of unstructured poems. You could sit down and write for an hour and prune out everything except perhaps a paragraph or a stanza or something. dunno. Sometimes your stuff seems really good, and sometimes it seems like rather a miss, and some of it is in the middle, but I keep watching you because you've got quite a bit of potential. I hope you keep at it, though I know how difficult it can be sometimes even to find the time, and when the time is right there it can be hard to find th inspiration. Good luck, in any case. I'll shut up now.
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lol. I enjoy writing. It's on of the few things that comes naturally and that, when inspiration hits, makes me feel better. I have some strange hobbies, but nothing makes me feel as good about myself as when I get my feelings down like poetry. The only problem is that lately I haven't had a lot of inspiration, or when I randomly get a "ohh, good poem idea" I'm in the middle of class or somewhere too inconvenient to write it down. It stinks.
Thank you very much for the compliment of still watching me, reading, and commenting on my works. I imagine that, with the types of critiques you give and how much thought you put into it, you have a lot of spare time either, lol. And personally, I find that your critiques put others to shame. Although I haven't talked to many people that write real critiques other than "wow," "amazing," or "I can't believe it's not butter...spray." lol.
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You might want to consider an idea-notebook kind of thing to carry around with you for when inspiration hits in the middle of doing other things. A friend of mine who's a tremendously good writer does this. The only danger is that you'll fill notebooks with ideas and then never actually write the thing you were inspired to write.
If you want to see some really good writers around here who give some really good critiques, you could check out one of =Bringa 's journals that has a huge list of all the prose writers he's found, or the unknown writer's thing that was a news item in the poetry and prose forums recently. There's a link to it for sure in ^imperfect 's journals and it might still be in the forum or the gallery or whatever that's called. (Yeah, I spend way too much time on this site, and not always because I have the spare time for it either, more's the pity.)
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I used to have an idea notebook, and I always carry a little notebook around with me, but just like you said, I pretty much never actually wrote about it so I stopped bothering. And I don't spend much time here because my spare time is small enough that even when I do have 5 minutes I still have things to do.
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i likeded the poem... it made me happi... but u shouldnt realli give up on stuff... maybe put it on hold... but u never kno when u meet the one... and u should always let them in when they come... or w.e happens u kno... I <3 U
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why did it make you happy when the poem was so sad and pessimistic?
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no idea... it just did, ive been in a bad mood lately
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you've been in a bad mood so a sad poem made you happy...interesting explaination...
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yea i kno... see when i get sad, sad things make me happi cuz its like im not the onli sad person, and i kno its wrong but sometimes when im sad i want other ppl 2 suffer 2 so they can be sad and not make fun of me when i cry
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yeah, well your only problem is that just because the poem's sad doesn't mean I am. I'm a little too quirky for my own good.
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yea yea yea... u r, and u always say my butt is big and that hurts alot... my butt is not bigg... URZ is...and ur not quirky just ditzy... HAHAHA
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oh no you didn't. i am not ditsy. and my butt is big, i don't try to deny it.
but so is yours so accept it and move on.
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lol w/e ur crazi... CRAZI GIRL
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if that's supposed to be a surprise it isn't.
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this is a very sad poem. giving up on things such as lust/love is very hard, but when it happens, you'll know what's right. living with what if's is very cautious and scary thing to do. it brings doubts and fears...and im just sorry.. to me, you seem so lost right now, unsure of where to go from this place that you're at. i wish i could help
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i heart you too diane
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