DisturbedEntity [2004-03-27 02:25:22 +0000 UTC]

The pain gets worse
Too much pain
I'm not sure why, but these two lines strike me as not fitting. Maybe the wording is awkward to read. Maybe it's because you say "gets worse" and then pain summed up as "too much." The reader is left to question why it's too much.

I agree with you there, reading back. I'm too tired to think of an alternative, maybe tomorrow. Thank you for all your helpful comments

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kaliava [2004-03-27 01:55:18 +0000 UTC]

Repitition is a nice technique to use in poetry (You can actually get away with it too ^_~)

Okie, on to the nit-picking:
I feel it beckon me
I try to resist it
But it doesn't work
I reach for it
I try to stop
But I've lost control
It feels cool in my fingers
So inviting
I can't resist it
As I make contact with my arm
I suddenly feel release
I press harder
It hurts
"It" seems to be consistantly used with the first four lines. Nice stylistically, but then "it" becomes an afterthought and sneaks its way into the other lines. I understand that you're trying to not name the razor, but maybe you could re-word it next time so "it" doesn't distract the reader.

This is wrong

I see how wrong it was
I feel how wrong it was

Of just how wrong it was

But if it's so wrong,
I like the fact that you mention "wrong" in the course of the action, and then later take advantage of that to add to the subject's confusion.

I didn't mean for this
I just wanted to escape
I want to go back now
Please
But I can't
Makes the reader think of a helpless animal. For a victim of self-injury, that's a good depiction. (It also helps makes the reader's mind think, which is always a good thing. Yay for implied metaphors!)

The pain gets worse
Too much pain
I'm not sure why, but these two lines strike me as not fitting. Maybe the wording is awkward to read. Maybe it's because you say "gets worse" and then pain summed up as "too much." The reader is left to question why it's too much.

Good work *goes off to read your other pieces*

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Dark-symphony [2004-03-27 00:42:11 +0000 UTC]

posted 2wice sorry!

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Dark-symphony [2004-03-27 00:41:54 +0000 UTC]

eh, you like repitition? don't worry, no offense, you have some good thoughts here, like with mine sometimes, u need to meet your creativity half way and try to make it flow, i have such a hard time with that, because, my poetry sometimes just comes out as ideas and they don't really flow, i write my poems on spot so alot of them are first drafts and suck so don't worry about it.!!

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Dark-symphony [2004-03-27 00:41:37 +0000 UTC]

eh, you like repitition? don't worry, no offense, you have some good thoughts here, like with mine sometimes, u need to meet your creativity half way and try to make it flow, i have such a hard time with that, because, my poetry sometimes just comes out as ideas and they don't really flow, i write my poems on spot so alot of them are first drafts and suck so don't worry about it.!!

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dust-particle [2004-03-19 00:11:26 +0000 UTC]

I like it. Well written. Makes me sad though.

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