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dragonpheonix1 — (Crona X Vanellope) I do~
Published: 2013-07-11 23:09:48 +0000 UTC; Views: 737; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
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Description “Congratulations to Sparkz Zapster on winning today’s race and a great big thanks to all of you who raced!”Vanellope announced from her raised platform as the racers cheered bellow, except for Taffyta who was sore about losing to the Digi-hero…Again! She bowed and left as the applause faded out into the background. Vanellope lazily descended down the spiral staircase with sour bill hopping to keep up, almost falling down at random intervals. “President Vanellope… What up?” The green sour sphere asked sounding miserable as usual. Vanellope didn`t reply, She just looked down as she continued towards the ground, deep in thought. Personally as much as she wanted to feel as if nothing was wrong… she was worried! Her boyfriend Crona and her had been going out for months now and over that time they had spent so much time together but of late she had been seeing less and less of him. She felt her heart being tugged around as the thoughts that he might be cheating on her or be close to leaving her crossed her mind. She swallowed nervously and missed a step. She screamed as she tripped and fell forwards. She was about to hit the ground when she felt a firm hand grab her and stop her from getting hurt. “I gotcha!” A masculine voice softly spoke to her. She smiled as her boyfriend helped her back onto her feet, “Stupid dress and high heels!”She angrily blamed her attire much to Crona`s humour. He chuckled and she blushed and looked away. She loved it when she could make her boyfriend laugh; He was almost always so serious so seeing him relax was like heaven! Crona stepped closer and hugged her lovingly. Vanellope smiled at him and hugged back.
From behind them there was a call for Crona. Digi waved and Crona quickly turned “Sorry Babe, This is important” He grinned “I`ll be back in a bit ok?”He reported in. She nodded and glitched back into her usual Jumper and skirt, she sighed with relief. As fancy as the dress was it was so hard to walk in even with months of wearing them! She walked outside and sat down on a gumdrop and watched Digi and Crona quietly talk to each other. She wanted to know what about but she also respected their privacy. Crona lifted his goggles, a sign that the conversation was serious and looked across the plain at her. She turned away and blushed again. There was something about his ocean sapphire coloured eyes that made a pleasant shiver go down her spine. As the guys continued chatting Vanellope distracted herself by talking to passing racers, who were surprised to see her still at the track.  She even gave a special gift to the newest racer Lico Blackness to congratulated him on his first race. “4th Place is great for the first race” She smiled as she patted him on the back. Lico smiled, nodded and left.
A hand came down on Vanellope`s shoulder as she watched Lico drive away which gave her a quick shock. She jumped slightly ,held down by the hand. Crona chuckled again, He loved how cute and fragile his girl could be at times! She nervously giggled, turned and kissed him. She took his hand and together they walked to their vehicles. Crona slotted his helmet on and smirked at Vanellope, to which she replied with a nod. They lined up side by side and Crona lifted his hand up. He began to count down his fingers as they revved their engines and as Crona enclosed his last finger they dashed off, laughing at their childish game. They were both still laughing as they arrived home and re-joined hands as they entered the castle. Like the kid she is, Vanellope kicked off her shoes and ran upstairs to her room where she belly flopped onto her bed. She let out a huge gasp of air and moved herself so she was laying her head on her pillow. She closed her eyes and waited. A few minutes later she felt the end of her bed go down as Crona sat. She smiled and opened her eye lazily. He had his goggles off his eyes again so for a few moments Vanellope found herself paralyzed, trying not to scream with emotion! He brought himself so he laid next to her on his stomach. He turned to face her and smiled. Finally able to move and speak again she turned onto her side and face him so they now were staring into each other’s eyes. Crona smiled and edged closer and kissed his girl on the lips. She rolled to him and snuggled up as he closed his arm around her.
“Babe…?”He whispered into her ear causing her to shiver. “Yes Motorbrain?” She nervously replied. Crona released his grip and sat up which she sadly could do nothing to stop. He looked at her with a nervous smile and scratched his back, “I was wondering if you would like to go on a picnic! I already packed you see”. Vanellope smiled and nodded. She got up and followed his boyfriend back to their vehicles. She was about to jump in her kart when Crona stopped her. “Cant use a kart to get to where I`m taking you!” He chuckled. She lifted an eyebrow. `Well how else am I going to get there?` She thought as Crona chucked something at her. She caught it and looked down at her hands. Had he just thrown her… A helmet? She looked back up and grinned sweetly as Crona, who was now on his bike, tapped the space behind him. She ran over and jumped on. She held on to  her boyfriend waist as she had seen in movies and with that they were off.
Vanellope saw what Crona meant! The road he went over were quite small, too small for any kart to travel over. Crona constantly kept asking Vanellope if she was ok as she wasn`t used to motorbikes yet. He also kept apologising fearing he was being annoying but personally she found it cute. Eventually Crona applied the brakes, They had arrived! Vanellope jumped off and looked around with awe. The area was flat with a forest of candy cane trees hiding it like treasure, Through the middle of the open area there was a free flowing cherryade river that both entered and exited on gently crashing waterfalls. Crona set up as he watched his girl wander around, jumping crazily like an exited puppy. Something fell out of Crona`s pocket and made a noise as it hit the ground. Vanellope heard the noise and turned only to see Crona quickly pick it back up and stuff it back in his pocket. She shrugged, It was probably not important. Vanellope continued exploring and searching until Crona called her over for the picnic.
Crona wasn`t the best cook, they both knew so very well remembering a fire accident from months back, but the food he had prepared at left them both stuffed by the end. Vanellope patted her stomach happily and complimented Crona on his work. He suddenly became unusually nervous as he began stammering and putting un-necessary pauses in his sentences. Then surprise hit him, “Oh crud! Turbo found us!” He shouted! Vanellope stood and turned in fear but there was no Turbo there! A confused look came to her face as she turned around but was quickly replaced by shock. Crona was no longer sitting but kneeling… and… in his hands was a small box which he clicked open as he spoke. “Vanellope Von Schweetz…. Will you be…my player 2 and do the honours of being my wife? “ He nervously asked. Vanellope felt as if she was having a heart attack. Her heart beat was racing… she didn`t know what to say. Then out of nowhere she charged and Crona and slam hugged him. Luckily he dropped the ring as he tumbled backwards into the shallow stream, taking his girl with him. They sat up and began laughing for a few moment. Crona stayed sitting in the stream as Vanellope got up, walked over to him and kissed him… But this time, unlike before, they held it…  They eventually had to break for air and smiled widely, She dipped her hand Into the cherryade and splashed her boyfriend who coughed and spluttered from the unexpected assault. He laughed and splashed her back and soon the two were taking it in turns playing in the stream like young children!  
As soon as Crona felt pins and needles in his legs they had to move! Crona picked up Vanellope and passionately kissed her again. She blushed with over-joy as he put her down. She ran around which confused Crona. She picked something up and held it in her enclosed hand. She came back to Crona and stood in front of him. “Kneel, sir knight!” She ordered. Crona went to retaliate but she simply placed a finger over his mouth and told him not to speak. Crona made an unhappy grunt as he knelt down. “Now hold out your hand” She continued. Again Crona was about to reply when a stern look stopped him so instead he followed her orders .She hovered her enclosed hand over Crona’s open hand and dropped something into his palm. She then held her hand out as if to help him up but Crona was to intrigued in what she had given to him. He looked in his hand and gasped… The ring? He looked up at her smiling face, “Go on Motorbrain! I accept!” She whispered with a wink. Crona slid the ring onto her finger and she tugged his arm, forcing him back up into each others arms. “The deal`s been sealed! No Turning back!” Crona quietly whispered to his girl. She smiled as she replied, “I wont if you don`t Motorbrain”. Tears of happiness silently rolled down her cheeks as they returned to Crona`s motorbike.
The Sugar rush kingdom rejoiced in exited cheers the next day as the information was reported and announced by the soon to be married couple themselves. In a few days… The two families would become one. Crona smiled as he stared across the crowd he had come so far… and so had Vanellope! Going from an unwanted Glitch to a full on President of the whole game. They turned and looked into each others eyes and could tell they were thinking the same. That their adventures had only just begun. She jumped into his arms and with another kiss the crowd went wild with happiness ~

              ~The marriage will be soon, Stay tuned for more information on the time, location and date!
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Comments: 18

Nefairyious [2013-07-12 14:25:23 +0000 UTC]

Im going to try to not be objective just because I hate this pairing to the moon and back. But I still have some suggestions. There is a lot in this about how great Crona is and how awesome he is and how he has sparkly 'ocean sapphire' eyes (that line is a little something called purple prose, by the way and should be avoided. 'Blue' will suffice unless everything is written in a similar fashion.) and it tends to go on and on about it. No other character gets this kind of description, so it ends up sounding a lot like just a bunch of passages glorifying your OC, who is also a self-insert.

Most people, no offense, don't really want to read about how great you think you are. Crona also is constantly stealing the stage(problem I noticed through some of your other stories as well but never wrote a comment on) from the Sugar Rush cast. He can't be better than they at everything. And everyone isn't always going to be in total awe of him. There are also going to be racers that don't want him there because he is from outside the game.

Vanellope is also... Very out of character. She isn't a fragile blushing flower. She's pretty tough and spunky. Throughout this story, though, she isn't elaborated on much and seems like a very watered down character there for the purpose of fulfilling the part of damsel in distress. She is constantly made to appear fragile and delicate and princessly. She is more of the tomboyish act-now-ask-questions-later type. She likes things to be exciting. And she doesn't need to be constantly saved! Also, she is constantly referred to as 'Crona's girl' but he is never referred to as 'Vanellope's boy' even though it is through Vanellope's eyes most of the time. That sounds like a possessive, unhealthy relationship where she is constantly left in the dark so her 'knight' can swoop in and save her. I think that would just annoy her and she'd start getting snappy and telling him she can look after herself.

Overall, their relationship is bordering on Twilight with the dependent, fragile, clumsy female always looking doe-eyed at the male described in purple prose who constantly saves her and is overly clingy. And probably sparkles.

Actually, this is almost the same review I left for a friend working on Black Butler fanfiction. I think one of the problems is that people writing self-inserts tend to write it more for their own wish fulfilment than for the entertainment of others. Your stories actually have storylines that take priority half the time, which is an improvement, but you need to let story take priority all the time instead of going off on gooey tangents.

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dragonpheonix1 In reply to Nefairyious [2013-07-12 14:42:26 +0000 UTC]

Holy crap... If my Tale is like twilight... Then i must really suck at writing XD. Crona ,being a bit of a tech guy technically IS better than everyone because of his abilities but he doesn`t like the power so i tried to make him less OP... Im sorry though. I know your trying to help but i think i`ve had enough advice.

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Nefairyious In reply to dragonpheonix1 [2013-07-12 15:13:40 +0000 UTC]

You don't have to take my advice but keep in mind that you have room for improvement. And yes, sorry, it is a lot like reading Twilight. Wish fulfilment.

Then you really ought to tone down his power because nobody wants to read about your character being better than all their favourite characters, which is why I never read mod of your fanfiction. Crona as a character needs a lot of work... You don't give him any weaknesses and you make him ridiculously better than all the other characters. He is a Mary Sue. Sorry, but it's true. That doesn't mean he can't be saved, but you really need to think about making him a more rounded out character. Give him some flaws and tone his power down.

You should really never turn down criticism and advice, though. That is a long road nowhere. If you need an example, Stephanie Meyer's brother goes through all her mail and gets rid of criticism so as not to hurt her precious ego. Which is why her writing only got worse... And worse... And worse. You know the other guys did have a point. A harsh one, but a point nonetheless. If you are SERIOUS about becoming a comic artist or writer, you do need to take every bit of advice you get, every chance you can get to improve. I'm reeeeaaaally sorry this is all very harsh and you probably feel personally attacked, but you've written a lot of fanfiction and I just haven't seen much of an improvement since you started, and EVERYONE needs some tips and editing and stuff like that for improving or you never get any better. I let my mother(who got a degree from a top university in writing, for the record) read and critique my work. You might think she would go easy, but she is a VERY tough critic even on me and when I was your age, she would rip my stories apart. I was upset for a while but then I got over it and went and rewrote it until it was good. I asked my friends to read it, my family... Everyone. That's the way to improve. Ask everyone you can for honest opinions.

Please don't choose to ignore criticism. It'll only hurt you in the end.

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dragonpheonix1 In reply to Nefairyious [2013-07-12 15:25:24 +0000 UTC]

[link] - any ideas, post on that journal... I do see what you mean but don`t know if im fully understanding... what techniques do i need to learn to use... so far i got
- Re-adapt Vanellope to her former self (Make her a bit more boisterous)
- Nerf Cronas abilities (Since he aint so great in reality)
- Get Crona some haters or rivals
- [This is what im not sure about] Have more characters that cameo having a more important role

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Nefairyious In reply to dragonpheonix1 [2013-07-12 16:30:40 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for reconsidering. Here, take a look at this- [link] That is my OC there, getting completely ripped apart by these guys. At firs I was kind of upset and wrote a lengthy sarcastic reply. And then... I realised I was being really dumb. They were right, I really DID miss a bunch of obvious stuff and I did make her unbelievable. I took their advice as a challenge to improve her and now she is a much better, more well-rounded character. I kept the premise the same- a demon/reaper hybrid, but I made her background story less Mary-Sue-ish and I gave reasons for how she got where she is, all that stuff. The only piece of advice I didn't use was about changing the eye colour because shinigami totally do have green eyes, not yellow. I don't know where that idea came from...

Anyway, you can see those critics were preeeeeetty harsh. But... Hey, it was good advice. You might want to consider sending Crona's info to some critiquers on tumblr. They can be GREAT helps!

-yes, she must be Vanellope if she is going to be Vanellope!
-More like make him a character that fits into the universe better. And add some flaws, bad side effects of his powers, personality problems, stuff like that. Carlatte's personality problem is her overbearing personality and her power flaw is that she is so fast she is hard to control and tends to veer of the path or crash into things. It makes sense because of her coffee theme. Dusk's personality flaw is his ego and lack of empathy, which makes him hard to like for being a braggart who won't acknowledge other people's accomplishments. His power is not very different from the other racers so I don't feel he exactly needs a power flaw. He doesn't have a huge advantage over the others.
-Not exactly, they don't have the be haters, they just all shouldn't like him. There are always people who don't like you.

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dragonpheonix1 In reply to Nefairyious [2013-07-12 16:49:44 +0000 UTC]

I was thinking if there could be a enemy that could as to say... cripple Crona`s abilities... Maybe i bring back Candelta , A glitched out clone of KC that Turbo created to serve as his second hand/ distraction.. He had a limited absorption ability... so what happens if (tell me what you think)

Candelta adds defects to Cronas ability and Vice versa

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invader-bliz [2013-07-12 11:05:25 +0000 UTC]

sweet!

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dragonpheonix1 In reply to invader-bliz [2013-07-12 11:06:11 +0000 UTC]

thank you so much

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cherrieblossemkitteh [2013-07-12 00:14:09 +0000 UTC]

Can Lilly be in it

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dragonpheonix1 In reply to cherrieblossemkitteh [2013-07-12 00:15:13 +0000 UTC]

What do you mean by... 'in it'?

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cherrieblossemkitteh In reply to dragonpheonix1 [2013-07-12 00:16:29 +0000 UTC]

In the next story

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dragonpheonix1 In reply to cherrieblossemkitteh [2013-07-12 00:23:35 +0000 UTC]

Already got the next few planned im afraid

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cherrieblossemkitteh In reply to dragonpheonix1 [2013-07-12 00:25:57 +0000 UTC]

She won't see them get married?

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dragonpheonix1 In reply to cherrieblossemkitteh [2013-07-12 00:39:08 +0000 UTC]

This isnt a digi tale. Its a one of... So i wont be writing a marriage tale

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Gabby-the-glitch [2013-07-11 23:30:54 +0000 UTC]

Yay mommy and daddy getting married!!-looks up at crona-I flower girl?

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dragonpheonix1 In reply to Gabby-the-glitch [2013-07-11 23:37:19 +0000 UTC]

Sure

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Gabby-the-glitch In reply to dragonpheonix1 [2013-07-12 00:01:44 +0000 UTC]

-smiles,hugs him-

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Gabby-the-glitch In reply to dragonpheonix1 [2013-07-11 23:39:20 +0000 UTC]

-smiles,hugs him-

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