HOME | DD

Endless-Reflection — Prologue. TTOTSOP.
Published: 2007-12-08 10:38:02 +0000 UTC; Views: 119; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
Redirect to original
Description Prologue


When I first came here, I loved the snow. It was bright and bathed the town with a white glow. I thought it was cheerful. Little did I know it was an omen.


The trees grew darker with each second going by. Snow continued to fall and the wind was beginning to kick up. A street light flickered and went out, leaving the road I was on even more eerie.


You could consider this a road, even though it was covered with seven inches of snow and wasn’t paved. None of the “roads” were paved in Sulver. There wasn’t enough money for that, not enough people for it to matter either.


Ahead there was a fork, I had a decision to make. Take the more traveled road on the left, or head to the graveyard on the right. It’s funny how when I first came here I would have done anything to stay on the lighted and traveled roads. I set my sights on the right.


In a normal town, maybe, normal people would be sitting by their fires and enjoying a nice cup of hot cocoa. But of course, this wasn’t a normal town and these sure weren’t normal people. Even I, for one, am not a normal person. Maybe this town’s eccentric attitude rubs off on you. Normal people don’t have to drag themselves across the snow to get away from something so terrifying that dying alone in the snowy woods would be a gift. But, who knows what normal is anyways?


I still wish I never came here. I realized through the course of my life that I don’t change my mind easily. Once I make my decision it stays unless a person, like him, would convince me to change. I was close to changing my mind. Until now.


After all that I’ve been through I still wish that my grandparents were still living in their little white house with me like a ghost by their sides. I wish that was how it was but I don’t get a normal life, I don’t deserve one. I’ll die here, in the cold, in the darkness, in the snow, in my only chance at heaven.


A storm drain is up ahead. The bars would be nice to pull myself across. My hands are bleeding. I feel the sour ache in my muscles as the strain to keep going. I can’t feel my left leg. I think it’s my left. No, it’s my right. I’m dying. My body can’t take this. I just need to get away. I reach to grab the bars across the storm drain, they’re so cold. It seems like I’m reaching for a cold death. It’s all so cold. Not even a coat, well, now a ripped coat, could keep me warm. A warm, sticky droplet falls down my skin. I can’t even tell it it’s blood or tears.


A hand wraps around my wrist. I jerk back with all the strength I can muster but it isn’t enough. The hand is hot against my freezing wrist but its lock makes me want to cry out in pain. I look down. Looking up at me is a boy I thought I knew and a man sworn to follow orders. They are the same person. His dark brown hair is tousled and wet from the snow, it looks black. His hand, wrapped around my wrist, is red. His other hand is pushed against the inside of the storm drain, the same with his feet. But most alarming are his eyes, a once calm shade of green now glows with an angry red-hot intensity. His grip tightens as he looks up at me. His mouth moves from a frown to a tight smile. A smile that brings me fear. He drops my hand and pushes off the top of the storm drain with little effort. It falls on the snow and compacts it as he pushes himself out of the drain. He grabs my hand and pulls me to my feet. He stands straight up, at least a foot taller than me. I collapse, my leg crumbles beneath me. His arm keeps a tight hold on my wrist as I feel a tight pain in my arm. He looks down at me, a stony expression on his face. Tears stain mine.


“Ian, please..” I say as I try to pull my hand out of his steel hard grip. He looks down at me, his stony expression, his eyes blank. It’s over.

Related content
Comments: 10

wretchedteddy [2007-12-13 23:37:17 +0000 UTC]

I don't believe you're fourteen, you must be lying or joking. If you are fourteen, rejoice, your writing (with all the grammar mistakes and unedited-ness) is better than almost all of the people ive been in creative writing/poetry/english class with (twenty year old plus english and journalism majors). You have something most people will never ever have, you're actually interesting and it comes out in your writing.
Lines like "It’s funny how when I first came here I would have done anything to stay on the lighted and traveled roads." are just absolutely great! You have a wonderful way of illuminating character, which is another things that people just don't seem to understand. No reader wants to be told all about your characters, they want you to make them feel with them, not just know how they are feeling. The aforementioned line really lets the reader know a lot about your character without you having to tell them, "When i got here, i was uneasy and afraid so i took the lighted roads, and now etc..." you know?

The first couple of paragraphs are money. You start out by giving some good broad descriptions of where your character is (and tell us the snow/city is an omen), move on to give a little more detail, the darkening trees and flickering lights zero in on your character, now walking in the cold where things are actually starting to get spooky. The next couple of paragraphs successfully give the full location of the character and delve right into the character's mind and thoughts about the town she's in, although i would suggest exchanging the third and fourth paragraphs (so you zero in directly on the char.s location and then into her thoughts, but that's me). Sooo great.

Problems i see: im just gonna go through, down the line and pick everything i see so don't get angry if i nit-pick,

if i was yous, i would avoid cliched lines at all costs. things like "little did i know" unless it creates a desired and specific effect, like silly dialogue between friends or something. You don't seem to rely on them, but a lot of people do and it's really bad. no one wants to read a bunch of lines they've heard in a million other stories describing the events of your original and lovable characters right? I try to make every single word work for my character if i can. also eliminating ugly and boring words (which i haven't notice you doing much) like "he seemed disappointed" or "he ran over there." It's better to do something like, "I saw it in the lines of his face. The drooping folds around his eyes, the sagging sorry lump, he was crushed." it works better than, "he was sad".

Paragraph 6 and 7: you say a person like him (who), "i was close to changing my mind" was your mind closed or were you near to changing it?, paragraph 6 ends with until now but never resolves that and in fact seems to regress a little bit back to wishing you had never come to the town.

"A warm, sticky droplet falls down my skin. I can’t even tell it it’s blood or tears." This line is weird for me, but i dont know how to say why. i guess, just "falling down my skin" is vague. maybe "on my skin, down my neck" or chest or somewhere that both blood and tears could be.

The last bit: i was unclear on the whole storm drain situation/scene. i dont know what it looks like, how someone would grab a hold of it, how it would fall? is in a hillside, next to a brook? i dont know what to say cause i really couldn't picture what was going on. also in that paragraph, the line "they are the same person" is unnecessary, i think the reader gets it, but that's me, it doesn't really hurt the story or anything so, i don't know.

I still wish that my grandparents were still living in their little white house with me like a ghost by their sides. -favorite line

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Endless-Reflection In reply to wretchedteddy [2007-12-15 00:52:44 +0000 UTC]

wow. i love your comments! out of everyone that has ever read this.. you actually go into depth about the good and bad.. everyone else just goes.. "wow! got anymore chapters?" yes, i am 14.. sadly, i feel much too young.. especially to be writing on the subject of well, demons and such.. i thank you once again for these lovely comments.. they're amazing!

I really like how you have the good and the bad. The things I have recognized I need to work on as a writer are:

Editing: I am terrible at grammer/paragraph indenting i almost fell into chatspeak which really did do a number on my typing skills..

Explaining: I have my images in my mind of what happens/happened. The part with the storm drain showed a type of strength that I now realize is inhuman. I should have realized that. Hanging on the inside of storm drain while it is freezing outside, AND pushing the storm drain top out? Geez.. What was I thinking?

Well.. I really appreciate the comments. They are really nice to get the good and bad for once. Also, thanks for the add.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

wretchedteddy In reply to Endless-Reflection [2007-12-16 01:30:14 +0000 UTC]

no problem! i'd love to read the updated versions once you're done! and a note about the storm drain part, maybe it was superhuman, that didn't really bother me, i just couldn't picture where it was/what it looked like. but, everyone has a hard time getting what's in your head on to paper (especially if you're a weird like me), don't sweat it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Endless-Reflection In reply to wretchedteddy [2007-12-17 02:22:22 +0000 UTC]

yep. i read my chapters again and find more problems and i flip out and decide to change them. sadly, that prevents me from writing more.. which doesn't really help finish my story...

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

wretchedteddy In reply to Endless-Reflection [2007-12-17 02:53:11 +0000 UTC]

i consider revision part of completion. Plus, you could just force yourself to write more. Just always keep in mind you can go back and change your word choice and punctuation etc. infinitely. Sometimes its good to just lay out the bare bones of a story and not worry a lot about if it sounds right or if all your word choices are REALLY what you think the story needs, just so long as you get plot ideas onto paper (or in our case pixel).

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Endless-Reflection In reply to wretchedteddy [2007-12-19 02:27:55 +0000 UTC]

yep. one of my friends just finished her book. but, the thing is, she started writing after me.. unless she wrote day and night, i don't know what to expect... i change ending and things in my story a lot, and i think i'll just write from beginning to end.. i write the ending and change it because of something in the beginning.. and when i do an outline..

"goes to sulver"

"snow"

"the end"

i wish i could stop changing my mind. it's a persistant problem of mine


p.s. : have a merry christmas!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

wretchedteddy In reply to Endless-Reflection [2007-12-19 22:40:10 +0000 UTC]

some people just write quickly i guess. 'tevs. i haven't read all your stuff yet, is the whole story on dA? i just read the moon bit, which was really good. i have a final to be doing so im gonna sign off, but have a merry christmas as well!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Endless-Reflection In reply to wretchedteddy [2007-12-20 05:39:45 +0000 UTC]

good luck with your final!

i only have seven chapters, i think five of them are on here.. i actually have written around 20.. but they lie in jeans around the house..

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

guessworkbaby92 [2007-12-10 02:57:17 +0000 UTC]

I still want to read Chapter 3. =_=

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Endless-Reflection In reply to guessworkbaby92 [2007-12-10 02:59:38 +0000 UTC]

want me to post it?

👍: 0 ⏩: 0