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Published: 2015-09-26 18:59:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 106897; Favourites: 1424; Downloads: 1007
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Description
Ever since I saw an illustration of a chainmail bikini for the very first time, I knew something was amiss. Later in life, when I picked up a pencil with a conscious decision I would become an illustrator, I knew that one day I might be called upon to paint a breastplate with a cleavage cut out. So far I was able to avoid painting any of that “sexy female armour” crap. Today I am conscious of the fact, that if a decent paying client comes along and my schedule happens to be clear, I will probably not be able to say no. But as any self respecting little whore, I do have one very important rule…
The first time will be on my terms.
Here's a little quiz for your consideration:
1. A female warrior's main concern is to stay:
a) alive
b) sexy
2. The main purpose of a man's armour is to:
a) look fierce
b) protect vital organs
3. The main purpose of a woman's armour is to:
a) protect vital organs
b) accentuate cleavage, waistline, hips and legs
4. To blow a runny nose, a man uses:
a) a MAN-SIZED tissue
b) a tissue
5. To carry personal items, a man can use:
a) a man-bag
b) a bag
6. To protect her vital organs, a female warrior uses
a) armour
b) female armour
7. Form follows:
a) function
b) the 90-60-90 ratio
Thank you kindly for your participation. Please send your answers to tits@ass.cum
Related content
Comments: 206
I think it's 1.b) 2.a) 3.b) 4.a) 5.a) 6.b) and 7.b)
What do I get?
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This is one of the most awesomest things ever!
...I'll just leve this here www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTGh0E… ; XD
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you creep you have killed every man's naughty dream! you evil person! <3<3<3 
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I'm sure there's plenty of people who will quite seriously attempt to defend "sexy armor" as a legitimate form of protection. I'm perfectly fine with people considering it nothing more than fan-service as well. Unless an image is meant to represent actual human history, I don't see the need to get into a tizzy over it.
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Haha, great. I love that smirk of hers.
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great artwork and I love the point it's making
If I had to change one thing about it, I think it would have been a nice touch if the full set of armour had scraps/dents/scratches on it, thus proving its usefulness.
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All love the fact that the armor woman wipe her sword with the dress of one of the dead one XD!
Nice picture
I agree with you that people should not call armor sexy-outfit-that-will-instantly-get-you-kill-because-it's-NOT-an-armor
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It's not really "sexy" armor that bothers me, but rather impractical ones. Huge cleavage windows and exposed midriff is as annoying as shoulderpads of doom and spikes of villainy.
And rage helmets. ALWAYS ANGRY! ALL THE TIME!
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I agree. And gigantic axes and swords are next in line. I've got rants enough to paint until the day I die.
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I know that sometimes, it can be a simple way to paint someone as evil ("He's wearing spikes everywhere! He's gotta be evil!"), along with being bald, having a goatee or twirly moustache or glowing red eyes. It's just that when these things are overused (and not as a parody) that just elevates my blood pressure.
It's nice that games like Dragon Age and Mass Effect and Skyrim manage to (mostly) avert the chainmail bikini cliché.
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OK, so you made the point in one of your comments that real armor is a technically impressive accomplishment. Perhaps then you can answer me this question: Why does real armor often have a space for a big gut/stomach? Is there a practical reason? Perhaps the user is expected to take hits there, and so a little extra room allows the armor to be crushed without inhibiting the operators ability to breathe?
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As far as I know it's not to make space for the stomach or gut, but to create a ridge on the front of the chest plate. That way, if the chest plate is hit by arrows, the tip does not hit the plate perpendicularly (which would increase the probability of piercing) but at an angle, which makes it more probable the arrow will glance off. Same principle with ridges on helmets for overhead sword attacks or hundsgugel type of face guard.
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OK, that makes sense. I can understand the idea of using angled surfaces to deflect impacts. Thanks for the explanation, EC.
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i think its because of all the under armour/padding,leather,mail and so on.
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I could see that, but wouldn't the padding be evenly distributed around the body of the wearer? Why the stomach so much? I have a sneaking suspicion these noblemen in armor were fat, and the gut bulge was necessary to fit in the armor.
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you need more protection around your main body... where all the organs are.
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Its always so nice to see a female in proper armor
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I really like this drawing, and I understand fully why you don't like fantasy armor. However I want to say that if your only problem with armor like that is the fact that it isn't realistic, your painting isn't realistic either.
The armored woman fought six enemies wearing useless armor. She killed most of them with slashes, even decapitating one. She doesn't seem to have any scratches or dents on her armor, either. Also, she's wielding a straight sword, which is important.
Now imagine fighting off six naked people armed with swords, and you're wearing the best historical plate armor. These six naked people might be easier to kill than you are, but imagine them surrounding you, grabbing your sword arm, walloping your armor with iron or steel blades (also against your helmet, which is just a bucket that will clang very horribly) which will stun you badly. If they are smart and know how to deal with plate armor, they might use the guards of their swords as hammers that can puncture even plate armor. Also they could just stab you in the face.
If you stick your sword in a body, it will take an amount of time to pull it out again. That amount of time would be enough to just hold onto your arm.
One last thing is that decapitating a person a straight sword is very difficult, especially for a woman, and probably impossible with a one handed sword.
Unless those six women were incredibly incompetent (or too scared to fight back) and the armored woman is the best fighter in the world, then the plate armor does not make this painting realistic, which i assume is your reason why you don't like fantasy armor.
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note that she's standing in a doorway, 6 people isn't much use in a narrow area. ^^
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I was using exaggeration for added effect. The painting was meant to be a caricature, not a documentary.
BTW, I have no problems with "unrealistic", it's just dumb designs that rub me the wrong way. Wanna design a sexy outfit? Knock yourself out. But don't expect me not to laugh when you try to call it armour.
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Well, clearly this new combatant is the boss of that particular level. She'll have a ton more hit points and defenses than the mooks did. Also, this situation is in keeping with the natural law that a single opponent is a lot more difficult than an entire army.
On a side note, great picture! I get a classic Frazetta feel from it.
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is that a smile i see on that youthfull face? i wonder what he's thinking?
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kind of thought so but decided to pay it safe?
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Until the day i die i have Always Hated female armor/clothing in just about everything really. in fantasy you get exposing female armor, In scifi you get a race of all 'sexy' alien chicks (not to mention the tight cloths in general) and for Halloween, Like real freaking life Halloween, women's costumes are nothing but 'Sexy' versions of everything. It's honestly aggravating. >.>
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Yes! That's exactly it! Fantasy female warrior is like a "nurse" or "maid" in porn or on Halloween. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that.
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Not the only one. there are others.
www.youtube.com/user/sleepynin…
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I always thought of the stupid bikini armour as being magically enchanted to create an invisible forcefield-like shield around the wearer or something of the sort.
I don't like them, but that's the only plausible explanation of why anyone in fiction would use it.
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Hahaha. Very accurate. 
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Wow, that's quite a compliment! Thank you very much!
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Damn you! You managed to get a dissent laugh even WITHOUT a caption on history facts.
P.S.: My mailbox keeps saying to me that the tits@ass.cum is not a valid e-mail address. What do I do? I sent my answers to the page admin, Mrs. Elizabeta Suckme?
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You misspelled her name. She's really touchy about that! Her name is actually Fuckme.
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Oups! Sorry. My fault.
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Well oviously you do not realize the real value of such armour. It does not add real protection obviously but it does add a distraction factor which decreases the chance of the wearer to be hit. This value increases even more by such factors as the gender and species of the opponent.
So as your picture shows it is currently at it#s lowest value against a female, human opponent. Against a male orc opponent it would be much more useful. Also if the wearer is defeated it adds to her survival chance, because the male opponent will want to capture here instead of killing her.
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If the man is good at what he does this is all invalid
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Well, then let's just call it a "sexy outfit" and stop pretending it's "armor" and I'll stop complaining. Chainmail bikinis and cleavages on breastplates are insulting to real pieces of armour which I consider to be miracles of human invention and wearable art.
I know you're just kidding, sorry for the rant.
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The majority of warriors in medieval and ancient times didn't even wear armor, shields were thought of just enough protection, there were even naked warriors in many antique cultures and even among aboriginal tribes today - that being said, armored heels are a bit much, haha.
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