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Description
Good afternoon, fellow troglodytes.
It's me, ya bitch, on Fat-Fuck Sunday, eating a homemade blizzard while on my period, in my warm safe house, feelin' privileged as fuck.

In more random news about shit that has fuckall to do with the real post, i found out yesterday that Coffee Mate Creamer is banned in a bunch'a other countries for basically being poisonous fake cream.
Like seriously, the foam off a dog's bile sick would probably be healthier.
Just pop a Tide Pod into your coffee at this point (i'm joking, Gen Z, please don't fucking eat the Soap Cubes).
Turns out the bitch is loaded with inflammatories that can cause gastrointestinal and digestive issues, along with other unnecessary crap.
My IBS and RLS-havin' ass don't need none'a that no more.

So for anyone wondering (and i know you aren't), from this point going forward i'm just done with all creamer all together.
I'm having coffee black, with like a teaspoon or so of sugar in it.
Is it tasty?
No, but the sugar balances the bitterness a little bit.
Perhaps with time, i can grow so accustomed to this way of having coffee i can just cut the sugar out all together and drink it straight like a hardass...
...
Now if only i could change the brand from shitty Folgers to something less...synthetic and not have my innards gutted, but that's a fight for another day.
(also i still enjoy cold coffees and all, but those are a very rare treat.)

"WhY eVeN dRiNk CofFeE iT's sO oVerRaTeD" i totally agree, but coffee isn't one of my personality traits like half of the suburban white populous (i swear to god imma talk about Spyro in a second, just lemme get this off my chest).
I drink hot coffee roughly twice a day to keep my constipation in check.
Coffee can also, in small amounts, suppress appetite, and even help with depression.
I also happen to be almost invulnerable to caffeine and always have been (which may or may not be the result of growing up taking FDA approved caffeine pills meant to curb the ADHD i don't/never had), SO if i miss a day or two of it for intestinal purposes, it's not a problem!
...Idky i felt the need to share all of this, but please, take pleasure in knowing my GI tract is a fleshy rollercoaster tube of despair that i've been trying to fix since like...2018.

------

WOW, that was pointless!
Despite how callous i'm being, i'm actually in a fairly good mood ~v~
And speaking of 2018, SSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOO the Spyro Reignited Trilogy.
We love it, as real bitches do, and Ripto's Rage is personally my favorite.
It utterly dumpsters the other two for me (i still love the first game, but not the third one at all really).
RR's got the best levels, atmosphere, characters, dialogue, MMM!
And again, that's all an opinion.

So even though i know you're not here unless you already understand the topic and don't need exposition, because i enjoy hearing myself talk out loud when i read to Kitten during our afternoon phone calls on week days (provided so graciously by his owner -- i mean "mother," Twat, who manages to un-suction her saggy dumper cheeks from upon his allotted attention roughly five days a week [mostly]), i will be giving you one anyway.
Side note, i cannot wait to attempt to read that entire fifth-of-a-paragraph of a run-on sentence without having to stop and breathe.

    Ripto's Rage is, to summarize, an A-tier production about Spyro the dragon, who just just kicked Gnasty Gnorc's ass like...idk, what, like five minutes ago?
And all he wants to do in the thousands of years it's been raining since he kicked GG's ass a few minutes ago, is go on a nice vacation.
So he runs through a portal to a place called Dragon Shores, which suddenly exists in the Artisan's home world for...some...fucking reason.
But a tiny old science mole, a pothead beach bum cheetah and an adorable faun with the world's most gargantuan goat bush ever hanging out of her very-open dress, accidentally summon Spyro and draw him through the portal to their world.
Or...realm.
No one actually explains how this shit works (which is fine).
And when he gets there, he learns these mysterious lands have been overrun by a micro-Trump with an intricate dildo sprouting up from a pussy on his forehead.
And this guy is petulant, and Spyro wants none of that shit.
But after some light coercion and guilt-tripping, Goat Muff -- i mean, Elora, convinces Spyro to stay and collect a ton of shiny balls and funky bronze toys to summon enough Magic Book Magicness to open doors that are closed too tight, and fight Ripto (micro-Trump)'s minions, Dumb and Dumber (Crush and Gulp).
      Oh, and every other three and a half minutes, Spyros get robbed by a greedy dick bear with the most suspiciously thin legs and feet on any should-be quadrupedal omnivore i've ever fucking seen.
No seriously, it's a miracle those sticks can hold his ass up.
He looks like if my dog Milo was a bear...and a bitch.
With stick legs.
Spyro also has to collect these special shiny balls from Hunter, the stoner cheetah, who is soft-cucking Spyro throughout the game because he has a competitive streak and is feeling threatened by this little squidget lizard.
So in his state of fragility and wavering masculinity, he's constantly playing games with Spyro (a child, by the way) wherein he wagers the magic balls, claiming he "found" them in places...but won't just give them to you, even though allegedly his whole realm is in danger.
OR, better yet, give them directly to the Professor...
THEN AGAIN, the Professor also gives you a ball for finding his pencil in a maze dumbfounding enough to induce crack shivers in someone who's never even used before (which i believe he staged for the sake of science, so no, the dudes in this game have no good priorities), to give back to him later...
Whatever.
      Then at the end, Spryo defeats Ripto and frees all of Avalar, and for his hard work little mole man, Professor Mole Tom Kenny repairs the portal they summoned Purple Dragon Tom Kenny through, and he gets to go to Dragon Shores.
But when Spyro gets there, he learns there's a catch...

In order to actually go through and enjoy the rides and shit, Spyro needs to have like...a bunch'a rocks and balls.
*checks notes*
Gems and Orbs, i mean.
So if Spyro doesn't have enough of those things, he has to go back and get some more.
Okay, all sounds fine to me.
Kinda weird that Professor Man is always gushing about the importance and power of Orbs throughout the game, causing one to think they shouldn't operate as currency, but all right.
But if you need the orbs and gems to get into Dragon Shores...

...

Then what the fuck was Spyro going to do at the start of the story?
Were the gnorcs just monopolizing the Riptonian disaster of Avalar??
Also, if no one has ever seen a dragon in Avalar, then what the fuck are gnorcs doing there???
They're from the same realm, so???
And don't gimme some shit like "Well Dragon Shores had a portal in the Dragon Realms and gnorcs are from there," because THEN HOW DID THEY KNOW ABOUT THE ORBS??
ORBS were an Avalarian thing, not a Dragon...Dragonian...thing.
I understand this is a kid's game and virtually everything you see is the result of a good shroom trip with magic and mythical creatures, but up until this very point, the story is actually laced together pretty well.

So if Spyro had made it to Dragon Shores when he wanted to, would there have been enormous gnorc bastards there telling him he needed to go to Avalar and rob everybody to ride the rides?
OR did they hear about Ripto's BS in Avalar (AND NONE OF THIS WOULD EXPLAIN HOW THE GNORCS GOT THERE BEFORE SPYRO, BY THE FUCKING WAY) and, seeing what Spyro did to the strongest gnorc ever, believe he was the only one capable of stopping Ripto, and set up shop there to encourage Spyro to go save Avalar...as a sort of morally good act...?
Also if that were true, how would they know Spyro wanted to go to DS anyway?
What if they just stayed there for days or weeks waiting to bribe Spyro into saving a whole realm???
I just want to know what we're dealing with here.

The short answer to this is, it doesn't matter, and there is no answer because it's about game design and plot convenience.
It's a kid's game from the 90's about a tiny purple dragon who is needlessly tougher than any other living being, for no good reason.
Gnorcs are there demanding orbs because the devs said so.
But just humor me.
Is there any logic?
Can an explanation be founded without breaking the canon of the story?
I'M FASCINATED BY THIS CHALLENGE.
I bet you didn't think something so simple could be so convoluted, did you?

This here, is the true gift of Autism.
You're welcome for my choosing to share my astonishing mental prowess with you all.

---

    No, this isn't terribly important, it's not a real issue, yada yada yada.
We're just having fun here.
Although, it's sad to me that it took me so long to notice this plot hole
EH, WHATEVER, I HOPE I'M THE FIRST ONE...

Enjoy, or don't enjoy, i don't care.
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THIS.
DISCUSSSSSS *recedes into a dark bathroom to take an unsatisfying dump*

---i know fae's new look is hella rad, but please don't steal her or my work! i do not own spyro or the image above---

Description
Good afternoon, fellow troglodytes.
It's me, ya bitch, on Fat-Fuck Sunday, eating a homemade blizzard while on my period, in my warm safe house, feelin' privileged as fuck.

In more random news about shit that has fuckall to do with the real post, i found out yesterday that Coffee Mate Creamer is banned in a bunch'a other countries for basically being poisonous fake cream.
Like seriously, the foam off a dog's bile sick would probably be healthier.
Just pop a Tide Pod into your coffee at this point (i'm joking, Gen Z, please don't fucking eat the Soap Cubes).
Turns out the bitch is loaded with inflammatories that can cause gastrointestinal and digestive issues, along with other unnecessary crap.
My IBS and RLS-havin' ass don't need none'a that no more.

So for anyone wondering (and i know you aren't), from this point going forward i'm just done with all creamer all together.
I'm having coffee black, with like a teaspoon or so of sugar in it.
Is it tasty?
No, but the sugar balances the bitterness a little bit.
Perhaps with time, i can grow so accustomed to this way of having coffee i can just cut the sugar out all together and drink it straight like a hardass...
...
Now if only i could change the brand from shitty Folgers to something less...synthetic and not have my innards gutted, but that's a fight for another day.
(also i still enjoy cold coffees and all, but those are a very rare treat.)

"WhY eVeN dRiNk CofFeE iT's sO oVerRaTeD" i totally agree, but coffee isn't one of my personality traits like half of the suburban white populous (i swear to god imma talk about Spyro in a second, just lemme get this off my chest).
I drink hot coffee roughly twice a day to keep my constipation in check.
Coffee can also, in small amounts, suppress appetite, and even help with depression.
I also happen to be almost invulnerable to caffeine and always have been (which may or may not be the result of growing up taking FDA approved caffeine pills meant to curb the ADHD i don't/never had), SO if i miss a day or two of it for intestinal purposes, it's not a problem!
...Idky i felt the need to share all of this, but please, take pleasure in knowing my GI tract is a fleshy rollercoaster tube of despair that i've been trying to fix since like...2018.

------

WOW, that was pointless!
Despite how callous i'm being, i'm actually in a fairly good mood ~v~
And speaking of 2018, SSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOO the Spyro Reignited Trilogy.
We love it, as real bitches do, and Ripto's Rage is personally my favorite.
It utterly dumpsters the other two for me (i still love the first game, but not the third one at all really).
RR's got the best levels, atmosphere, characters, dialogue, MMM!
And again, that's all an opinion.

So even though i know you're not here unless you already understand the topic and don't need exposition, because i enjoy hearing myself talk out loud when i read to Kitten during our afternoon phone calls on week days (provided so graciously by his owner -- i mean "mother," Twat, who manages to un-suction her saggy dumper cheeks from upon his allotted attention roughly five days a week [mostly]), i will be giving you one anyway.
Side note, i cannot wait to attempt to read that entire fifth-of-a-paragraph of a run-on sentence without having to stop and breathe.

    Ripto's Rage is, to summarize, an A-tier production about Spyro the dragon, who just just kicked Gnasty Gnorc's ass like...idk, what, like five minutes ago?
And all he wants to do in the thousands of years it's been raining since he kicked GG's ass a few minutes ago, is go on a nice vacation.
So he runs through a portal to a place called Dragon Shores, which suddenly exists in the Artisan's home world for...some...fucking reason.
But a tiny old science mole, a pothead beach bum cheetah and an adorable faun with the world's most gargantuan goat bush ever hanging out of her very-open dress, accidentally summon Spyro and draw him through the portal to their world.
Or...realm.
No one actually explains how this shit works (which is fine).
And when he gets there, he learns these mysterious lands have been overrun by a micro-Trump with an intricate dildo sprouting up from a pussy on his forehead.
And this guy is petulant, and Spyro wants none of that shit.
But after some light coercion and guilt-tripping, Goat Muff -- i mean, Elora, convinces Spyro to stay and collect a ton of shiny balls and funky bronze toys to summon enough Magic Book Magicness to open doors that are closed too tight, and fight Ripto (micro-Trump)'s minions, Dumb and Dumber (Crush and Gulp).
      Oh, and every other three and a half minutes, Spyros get robbed by a greedy dick bear with the most suspiciously thin legs and feet on any should-be quadrupedal omnivore i've ever fucking seen.
No seriously, it's a miracle those sticks can hold his ass up.
He looks like if my dog Milo was a bear...and a bitch.
With stick legs.
Spyro also has to collect these special shiny balls from Hunter, the stoner cheetah, who is soft-cucking Spyro throughout the game because he has a competitive streak and is feeling threatened by this little squidget lizard.
So in his state of fragility and wavering masculinity, he's constantly playing games with Spyro (a child, by the way) wherein he wagers the magic balls, claiming he "found" them in places...but won't just give them to you, even though allegedly his whole realm is in danger.
OR, better yet, give them directly to the Professor...
THEN AGAIN, the Professor also gives you a ball for finding his pencil in a maze dumbfounding enough to induce crack shivers in someone who's never even used before (which i believe he staged for the sake of science, so no, the dudes in this game have no good priorities), to give back to him later...
Whatever.
      Then at the end, Spryo defeats Ripto and frees all of Avalar, and for his hard work little mole man, Professor Mole Tom Kenny repairs the portal they summoned Purple Dragon Tom Kenny through, and he gets to go to Dragon Shores.
But when Spyro gets there, he learns there's a catch...

In order to actually go through and enjoy the rides and shit, Spyro needs to have like...a bunch'a rocks and balls.
*checks notes*
Gems and Orbs, i mean.
So if Spyro doesn't have enough of those things, he has to go back and get some more.
Okay, all sounds fine to me.
Kinda weird that Professor Man is always gushing about the importance and power of Orbs throughout the game, causing one to think they shouldn't operate as currency, but all right.
But if you need the orbs and gems to get into Dragon Shores...

...

Then what the fuck was Spyro going to do at the start of the story?
Were the gnorcs just monopolizing the Riptonian disaster of Avalar??
Also, if no one has ever seen a dragon in Avalar, then what the fuck are gnorcs doing there???
They're from the same realm, so???
And don't gimme some shit like "Well Dragon Shores had a portal in the Dragon Realms and gnorcs are from there," because THEN HOW DID THEY KNOW ABOUT THE ORBS??
ORBS were an Avalarian thing, not a Dragon...Dragonian...thing.
I understand this is a kid's game and virtually everything you see is the result of a good shroom trip with magic and mythical creatures, but up until this very point, the story is actually laced together pretty well.

So if Spyro had made it to Dragon Shores when he wanted to, would there have been enormous gnorc bastards there telling him he needed to go to Avalar and rob everybody to ride the rides?
OR did they hear about Ripto's BS in Avalar (AND NONE OF THIS WOULD EXPLAIN HOW THE GNORCS GOT THERE BEFORE SPYRO, BY THE FUCKING WAY) and, seeing what Spyro did to the strongest gnorc ever, believe he was the only one capable of stopping Ripto, and set up shop there to encourage Spyro to go save Avalar...as a sort of morally good act...?
Also if that were true, how would they know Spyro wanted to go to DS anyway?
What if they just stayed there for days or weeks waiting to bribe Spyro into saving a whole realm???
I just want to know what we're dealing with here.

The short answer to this is, it doesn't matter, and there is no answer because it's about game design and plot convenience.
It's a kid's game from the 90's about a tiny purple dragon who is needlessly tougher than any other living being, for no good reason.
Gnorcs are there demanding orbs because the devs said so.
But just humor me.
Is there any logic?
Can an explanation be founded without breaking the canon of the story?
I'M FASCINATED BY THIS CHALLENGE.
I bet you didn't think something so simple could be so convoluted, did you?

This here, is the true gift of Autism.
You're welcome for my choosing to share my astonishing mental prowess with you all.

---

    No, this isn't terribly important, it's not a real issue, yada yada yada.
We're just having fun here.
Although, it's sad to me that it took me so long to notice this plot hole
EH, WHATEVER, I HOPE I'M THE FIRST ONE...

Enjoy, or don't enjoy, i don't care.
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THIS.
DISCUSSSSSS *recedes into a dark bathroom to take an unsatisfying dump*

---i know fae's new look is hella rad, but please don't steal her or my work! i do not own spyro or the image above---