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Bad Poetry
Published: 2007-01-25 23:37:39 +0000 UTC; Views: 40326; Favourites: 1329; Downloads: 627
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It's been nine years since I read this for the first time and I still come back to it. I guess break-ups always leave me crawling back to DA literature with my tail between my legs.Β
I know that you are no longer here to read this, but I hope your soul somehow feels how many people your writing inspires.
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It's been several years and I still come back to reread this. This peace always leaves me in awe.Β
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This might be 7 years late, but here we go.
Usually I can't stand meta, prose and poetry alike, but this was very well written. You did a great job at mixing forms to create a story. This is hard to do, and you demonstrated a firm grasp on both. It remains consistent in language and trope, and you do a neat little trick where you avoid becoming cliche by having the writer aware of his own cliches.
The voice was very strong, he sounds like a writer writing about his ex-lover's writing. More importantly, he doesn't sound like you. The character has his own voice, which is very strong. He tries not to hold anything back, but can't help a certain reluctance, masking his longing with a detached pessimism about his own nature. The effect is an emotionally charged story that doesn't become melodramatic. So, again, well done.
As a final point before I get into criticisms, you concluded the letter perfectly. I love it. It ends with his final observation about the nature of writers. I'm amazed at how well you tell us what the future holds for the speaker and, we can assume (the speaker certainly assumes), for the addressee as well (namely: suffering and lonliness), without really saying anything about the future! Awesome. Then in the last sentence, he stops dancing around the subject with his asides and observations, and, finally, he says what he had been mulling over the entire letter. This sentence is the most simply constructed sentence in the letter, and it is the most powerful. Additionally, the formal structure of a letter, with a indented closing statement, lends perfectly to the importance of this sentence. It even divides the sentence, and extends the final thought out into the void, thus forcing the reader to feel the weight of those otherwise simple words. For a third time, great work.
What issues I have with it involve small details and word choices. I'll go through a fairly typical paragraph in this piece to show you what I'm seeing. Yes, I read into things too much, and, yes, you may think some of my concerns are petty. But if you can analyze your own writing with this much attention to detail, with your natural writing abilities, you will turn out some incredibly polished and moving stories.
Here we go:
"But your poem--the one about the letters--I had it taped to my desk, to my journalβ"
"...it's been in six different suitcases and kept pages in countless books;"
"...twice now I've ripped it up only to tape it back together, desperately, in place of tears."
"You'll never know, though--how close I keep your words (even the poor ones). I sometimes think I should have told you, but a torn poem in the middle of a million secrets seems a strange thing to regret."
End rant (but the lecture continues).
Remember to take it slowly during the editing process. Consider every sentence individually, as a complete text of its own, determine what the purpose of that sentence is, and then observe what it adds to the work as a whole. If it doesnβt advance the plot or construct the character, ditch it. I don't think you have to ditch anything here, but it will also give you a better awareness of what sounds and feels right.
Great work over all (yes, that's the fourth time I've said it). I am very impressed. I'd tell you to keep working because you have some serious potential, but I know this was written 7 years ago. You're probably a whiz by now.
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While I can appreciate this reply, you should know that the author of this piece passed away several years ago. Even so, I'm sure he would have appreciated your critique as he was the type to enjoy the work that went into improving writing. He was actually a professional editor working for Macmillan and published many times in his own right. dA was always the place he posted his most sentimental and "amateur" things in an effort to encourage others to write and grow.
Thank you for stopping-by,
Nic
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Right off the bat your work is fun to look at.Β The way the verse breaks the prose entertains the eye. Your voice reminds me of Charlie from _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_.Β You are comfortable in it, and I trust you.Β The content-for me anyway-connects on a bunch of different levels.Β Brilliant, good thinking.Β I feel better having read it ... at least about the suffering.
Thanks!
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"twice now I've ripped it up only to tape it back together, desperately, in place of tears." --- my favorite line. ;u;
Almost made me cry reading this.
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That last paragaph and a bit rang so true for me, it really did.
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The last paragraph. "This is why writers rarely make it far in love;" that paragraph, is astonishing. i have no other word for how perfect it is, because it is so true.
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Oh, for a second I thought this was gone! I read it every time I need inspiration to write; what a fearful few minutes those were.
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a torn poem in the middle of a million secrets seems a strange thing to regret β simply brilliant!
You leave me with such bittersweet feelings. On one hand, I am extremely glad to have had the pleasure of reading such a beautiful piece. On the other, I now have to rise again from the inexplicable sense of loss I had just managed to conquer.
It is just perfect as it is. I wouldn't change a thing. Thank you for this wonderful read. It made my day
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This is absolutely beautiful, especially the last part.
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Very honest, blunt and true. And this is why I haven't been writing lately, I suppose. I'm having troubles with really (and simply) living, as supposed to living so you can create stories to show others.
We never worked well in comfort. Writers live better as they suffer.
Ain't THAT the truth. My goodness. And when I try to write when I'm overwhelmingly happy, I feel as though the words siphoned the happiness out of me, and I'm almost never satisfied with the poem. Huh. (Most) good literature comes hand in hand with pain, I suppose.
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really well put together, really fluid and cohesive and eloquent, particularly like the last few paragraphs, nice to see someone really putting some thought into why and how they write. Thanks!
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... I needed to read something like that right now.
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"That's what did it, of course--I had a perfectly good sentence and it went right out the window "--I can relate to that so much it's not even funny. Brilliant job here!
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I like this because it's so heartfelt, so natural and well writen at the same time. So good I read it twice
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I wonder what they mean by "borrowed words".
This totally deserved the DD.
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At the time, `GeneratingHype and ~joecifur were in a relationship. ~joecifur wrote a poem for `GeneratingHype and the lines: "This D implies the bend in your shoulders/when you're pouring your coffee, selecting a tie," were a part of that poem. `GeneratingHype "borrowed" those words by putting them in this letter, with permission.
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Oh, thank you for explaining. He didn't post his poem in his gallery, though, so I was confused.XD
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He wouldn't have. It was a personal thing.
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Oh my goodness.. This is so good, and hit home with me very,very hard. I am still going over, rereading lines and phases. It stuck me through to the very core. Thank you for this.
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I never knew you, but I realize you were such an inspiration and a wonderful influence to DeviantART as a whole. You will be missed, and I hope that now you're writing beautiful words in Heaven. It's wonderful, that down here, we still have your words to remind us of what a wonderful person you once were, and probably still are... Rest in Peace
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Sorry for asking, but is this authour dead? I really loved this piece. If they are, could please point to me where you got this information? I am really stunned, here.
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It's quite alright, and yes, the author died, I believe, back in January of this year. If you go to his profile, you can see the date of birth and death under his user name, and by reading a few of the past journals, you can figure out how/why. Sorry I can't provide more info, I never knew him until he was gone
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Thanks, I figured it out by cheking his profile. I've never seen something like this happen in DA before, so it got me wondering for a moment. I too wish I could've known him when he was alive, I mean, I was in DA at that time.
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its been awhile sense I've read a poem this good...i truly and honestly loved it and as soon as i figure out what I'm doing on this site i will favorite and watch for your other works lol.
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This is amazing. I love the flow of the thoughts and words. Beautiful. ^_^
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As a writer, and someone who has lost love, (over writing perhaps, though she too, is a poet herself) i can so relate, to wanting to linger on to the feeling of a word, on a torn paper, or written on a notebook margin...oh!
how this spoke to me!
excellent work!
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I wish I'd said how much this piece means to me, I should have said it a long time ago. I take this with me everywhere I go, and it still makes me ache. You captured so much truth and loneliness, it's so beautiful and soft, and it really stands alone in the writing I love most. We'll never ever, forget you Bill, and couldn't thank you enough for sharing your letters and sharing so much of yourself.
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Without being able to relate to this poem at all, I still have it taped over my bedside (I hope you don't mind?). I even wrote it down on my desk and when a class mate asked me if I wrote, I answered it was the work of a person whose words I admired (course it didn't sound that cheesy in norwgian). Really wanted to say "yes" though. I think the reason why I love it so is because of my maiden dreams. I hope I will experience something that will inspire me to write like this some day. Just my way of saying thank you for this lovely prose. It's good that there still is some of you left
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This is utterly beautiful... I havn't been able to relate to a piece of work this much in a long time. Wonderfully written. You said that you thought it might be missing something... but I didn't feel that at all. I think the slight feeling of absence you have is filled by the reader and their personal experiences. But anyway... great job. I enjoyed reading it.
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Thank you for reading!
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Some one up there said they hated the last line. I like it and think it's very very true.
I am the master of critiquing--meaning I usually always do when it comes to something someone's written, but I don't want to for this letter. Plus, my critique doesn't mean anything; it's your work. And anyway, see how someone up there hated the last line, but I love it?
Anyway, this comment's getting too long. I really enjoyed reading this.
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Thank you kindly for taking the time to comment!
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Wow.
That was excellent. And so very true. The last whole paragraph really hit home. Thank you for putting to words a sentiment that is very hard to express.
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Thank you for reading!
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I don't know much about poetry, nor about prose poetry !?!. I would consider this experimental prose for whatever that's, but whatever it is I like it.
Particularly:
"This is why writers rarely make it far in love; we spend our time having sex with words, remembering moments better as we wrote them than we do as we lived them."
So that's the reason, I just thought it was because I am a jerk.
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I admit the "jerk" part is a close-running second, but I try not to admit it in public too often.
Thank you for reading and commenting!
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"This is why writers rarely make it far in love; we spend our time having sex with words, remembering moments better as we wrote them than we do as we lived them. We spend our break-ups in tragic sentimentality, inspired to write out of bitterness and neglect, motivated by self-loathing and an unforgiving ego. You and I--we wrote while we could, left in despair when the words ran out and replaced themselves with a comfortable silence."
This! This is so completely beautiful. I haven't read anything in a long time that has made me just, feel, like this has.
I'd like to print it, and tape it up somewhere, on my wall.
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I welcome you to do just that! Thank you for reading.
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This is beautiful. I love the way it's so fragmented and includes the emotion of it. It makes me think of the poem that got torn up and put back together so many times that you mentioned. I enjoyed it immensley.
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I think it might be akin to a torn poem, yes. Thank you for reading!
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