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HaikuKitty — Taste of the Earth
Published: 2007-10-28 22:42:33 +0000 UTC; Views: 45; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 4
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Description
raw potatothe taste of earth
on the tongue.
haikuwrimo 26
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Comments: 5
If I may be so bold I would like to suggest something - I hope you don't mind. I really like this poem already - and the only reason I can say this is because I have already really liked it (critiquing bad work is impossible).
The idea in this poem is wonderful and the taste on my tongue is wonderfully real. But perhaps there can be a little more ambiguity between the words, giving them an open structure. Ie:
raw potato-
earth tastes
my/the tongue
the only reason I say this is because the middle line now reverses the sentiment, and at the same time as you taste it - it tastes you!
Anyway - I love the poem anyway. Hope the critique is ok - its always nerve racking saying things about other's work.
Be well,
Dick
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the taste of raw potato on the tongue poem - I see even more your reason for suggesting the change - if the potato tastes you as well as you tasting it, the poem becomes an association type of haiku. I was doing some studying last night and I realized this. 
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That is totally what I was getting at - yeah!
Haiku is philosophy.
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Critique away - I really do not mind. I am just now getting into writing, I am not a writer - I am sure it shows, and I can use some good influence. I like the idea of changing up the second line and making others think.
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Cool!!
I am really enjoying our conversations.
Have a great day,
Dick
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