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Hello-PleaseI Used To Be A Fox
Published: 2010-11-26 00:01:02 +0000 UTC; Views: 8847; Favourites: 288; Downloads: 93
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Description To be a fox again, slender was my frame for once in my adult years,
the fat of my gluttony shed for a moment, like the athletic child I'd been.
Still, so hungry I bit and bat at the terrified rabbits, snapping a neck,
and so I began to eat a dear old friend of mine, none the wiser, poor Julia.

On the eve of our downfall, the cities stopped their incessant buzzing,
Rockets froze in the air, vapour and fire became a beautiful thing.
Some tired, bored creator, caught in a moment of whimsy,
Shifted our souls from one thing to the next, a wonderful game it must have been.

As a grasshopper, I perched on a tear in a paper door, playing my new instrument,
Strong smells, bamboo, earth and smoke. I was a nuisance,
My song was loud and urgent, I wanted attention.

As a cow my heart wept for my stolen children, belly fat again, I was swollen.
My integrity lost, imprisoned yet free to wander under the weight of pending execution;
Due date unknown.
I was no less alive than the grass I consumed so feverishly.

I soared down the coastal line as a gull, afraid of heights, I was so hungry again.
The ocean waved to me, bursting at the seams with silvery fish,
Too lazy, I ate something fried and soft from a polystyrene box.
I couldn't taste a thing.

Sticky and disgusting, hopelessly lost, I dragged my fat body over difficult soil.
I was only a slug, how could I have known the very ground would do me wrong?
My body bubbled and burst, painful, aware I was done for; I shifted again.

Lucky, I thought as a man. Once again I was fat and my joints ached, I was so lucky!
A metallic taste in my useless mouth, I could barely remember how to talk,
So very hungry, the fridge was full of sweating meat,
I ate all of it, and choked on every mouthful.
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Comments: 100

xxwriter In reply to ??? [2011-02-12 14:30:22 +0000 UTC]

My pleasure! I would love to read more of your writing soon.

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celinaclraw In reply to ??? [2011-02-11 23:21:39 +0000 UTC]

It's unique to anything I've read before.. I like it :3 though I rarely read poetry ^__^'
congrats with the DD btw, you deserved it ;D

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Hello-Please In reply to celinaclraw [2011-02-11 23:23:09 +0000 UTC]

Very kind words, you should read more poetry! and thankyou

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celinaclraw In reply to Hello-Please [2011-02-11 23:28:28 +0000 UTC]

I suppose I should. You're welcome ^^

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Volk-oseba In reply to ??? [2011-02-11 23:19:59 +0000 UTC]

"I think it deviated too heavily from the rules..."

Deviated, eh?

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Hello-Please In reply to Volk-oseba [2011-02-11 23:21:05 +0000 UTC]

Oh snap! What a Deviant... Art...

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Volk-oseba In reply to Hello-Please [2011-02-12 05:18:27 +0000 UTC]

ist....

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houndour-lover In reply to ??? [2011-02-11 23:00:18 +0000 UTC]

I have fallen in love with the creativity of your poem... It is marvellous. Please keep writing.

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Hello-Please In reply to houndour-lover [2011-02-11 23:19:24 +0000 UTC]

Wow! I will! thanks.

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InSearchofHedonism In reply to ??? [2011-02-11 22:27:17 +0000 UTC]

Fantastic! I loved the different perspectives. Makes me what to be vegetarian!

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Hello-Please In reply to InSearchofHedonism [2011-02-11 22:52:04 +0000 UTC]

Thanks! Haha, unfortunately dead animal parts are just a bit too delicious to give up!

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Jazzybabes15 In reply to ??? [2011-02-11 21:43:47 +0000 UTC]

its really good and i love it

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Hello-Please In reply to Jazzybabes15 [2011-02-11 22:50:59 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, glad you liked it!

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DistortedSmile In reply to ??? [2011-02-11 19:28:34 +0000 UTC]

I loved this. Great read

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Hello-Please In reply to DistortedSmile [2011-02-11 19:29:24 +0000 UTC]

Hey much obliged

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Beelzeslut In reply to ??? [2011-02-11 18:52:32 +0000 UTC]

O wow!

Joyfull suprise to land in something so gloomfull!
Tnx for tickling my brain with this food!
Love it!

\m/

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Hello-Please In reply to Beelzeslut [2011-02-11 18:54:48 +0000 UTC]

Heh thanks for reading, although out of my poetry this probably is the least gloomy! glad you enjoyed it!

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somestrangebirds [2011-02-11 18:27:19 +0000 UTC]

Hey, this is pretty cool!

A few quick paths to take --

- Have a look at the line lengths and see if you can relineate this to better effect.
- Have a look at some of the syntax, and see if some of the phrases can't be excised/improved to make some of it less prose-like in rhythm etc.
- Have a look at some of the adjectives/descriptive phrases, particularly where you lean towards exposition, and even more particularly where it's not very interesting exposition ("hopelessly lost").

Anyway, I liked it. It reminded me of a poem by Alice Oswald, "Five Fables of a Length of Flesh".

I'd leave something more detailed, but I am ravenous, and must go to to my fridge of sweating meat...

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Hello-Please In reply to somestrangebirds [2011-02-11 18:47:50 +0000 UTC]

Thankyou for the feedback, I shall indeed look upon what you have highlighted here. Enjoy the animal flesh... say, I'm rather hungry now myself.

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SketchedExistence In reply to ??? [2011-02-11 18:01:49 +0000 UTC]

Wow... The flow to this is lovely and constant; the imagery is striking and thought-provoking. What really captured my attention was the stanza about the bored creator, and the stanza about the form of the cow.... very gripping. Especially, "I was no less alive than the grass I consumed feverishly."

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Hello-Please In reply to SketchedExistence [2011-02-11 18:06:19 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, it's much appreciated!

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SketchedExistence In reply to Hello-Please [2011-02-11 18:14:05 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome!

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meownyo In reply to ??? [2011-02-11 16:08:40 +0000 UTC]

The words in your story were in beutiful detail :3
~I never usually read stories without picture but your story really appiled to me.

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Hello-Please In reply to meownyo [2011-02-11 16:30:27 +0000 UTC]

Hey thanks for reading.

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meownyo In reply to Hello-Please [2011-02-11 22:08:10 +0000 UTC]

your very welcome, Im still lifted from your words :3

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MadJackalDelta In reply to ??? [2011-02-11 15:46:06 +0000 UTC]

An interesting read - congratulations on the DD!

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Hello-Please In reply to MadJackalDelta [2011-02-11 15:49:27 +0000 UTC]

Much obliged!

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lucifers-uke In reply to ??? [2011-02-11 13:53:27 +0000 UTC]

One of the best pieces I've read in a while. Simple concepts put with a wonderful word choice and an excellent twist. I really appreciate the reflection the man does at the end thinking about how it used to be and instead of embracing his past, indulging in his current state.

Very well done and congrats on the DD.

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Hello-Please In reply to lucifers-uke [2011-02-11 14:59:05 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for taking the time to give it a read and some feedback, much appreciated!

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ReturnOfBob In reply to ??? [2011-02-11 09:19:55 +0000 UTC]

Fantastic.
Like others, I seem to be at odds with the second stanza if you don't mind me saying. I like it; I definitely think it needs to stay in the poem. On the first read, however, it totally threw me off (in a confusing way) as I transitioned from the first and again to the third. I think it's the voice that's doing it: You personify a fox in the first stanza, or at least talk of being a fox again; in the second stanza, you personify no creature, but instead it's like a metaphysical narration (which I believe I understand was your intent?); and again in the third stanza, you are a grasshopper. It's difficult to explain what that does to my feeble mind, but it's like going from small details to big picture back to small details in the time-span of five seconds. There's really no other way I can explain that.

If I may: Keep the stanzas in their natural order. The first stanza definitely got me hooked, as I read in a comment you posted it is as if "the narrator is telling an incredible tale, and in the second stanza needs to go back and clarify" (paraphrased). Perhaps you could use some kind of a visual cue to let the reader know you are "changing voices". It could be as simple as putting the second stanza in parentheses. What do you think? I don't mean to be pushy, just trying to offer constructive feedback. This is a great poem and well deserving of a DD.

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Hello-Please In reply to ReturnOfBob [2011-02-11 11:40:55 +0000 UTC]

Hello, thanks for taking the time to read this and of course comment. That blasted second stanza, causing trouble for me again! I will add your suggestions to the others and keep reading the poem over and over until a) I go mad or b) find a solution. haha! Your comments are appreciated.

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PursuingTheCerberus [2011-02-10 03:28:45 +0000 UTC]

WOW.

I thoroughly enjoyed being in each of these animals perspectives. Incredible piece! It's one of those that leaves you wishing YOU HAD WRITTEN IT YOURSELF! haha

I tend to agree with everyone thus far about the second stanza. I wonder if it would make more sense as the FIRST stanza instead. We're introduced to the fox and then before the grasshopper we go into this creator's world briefly.

I absolutely LOVE how you portrayed mankind at the end...so very grotesque and excessive...which really hammers home a message about us and our abuse of nature, planet, and animals....

I'm apologize if my suggesting the stanza switch in the beginning is offensive for any reason. I don't mean it to be...it was just a thought

5 Stars!!

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Hello-Please In reply to PursuingTheCerberus [2011-02-10 13:49:59 +0000 UTC]

Ha thanks a lot for taking the time to read and comment. No suggestions or criticisms here will offend me as I don't expect to offend when I comment on others.

I will attempt to justify the second stanza here seeing as you have mentioned it again. The first stanza is what the narrator wants to tell us, to be a fox again, after unveiling the unusual and of course the minor drama of Julia (who was a rabbit) the narrator (in order to explain the absurd nature of what has been said) goes back to the beginning and hence the second stanza, if read as a verbal account I believe it should make more sense. I find that with incredible tales, people will often start with something juicy to capture the listeners attention, but are then forced to go back and add a bit of setting for it to make sense. Either that or I just create strange narrative voices that don't adhere very well with the average reader's idea of structure haha!

I hope this babble makes sense, I'm currently off sick with a migraine so the screen is hurting my eyes a little. Thanks again for the comment, much appreciated.

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mreid973 [2011-02-09 22:11:21 +0000 UTC]

Interesting, highly visual, relatable, at times serious, and at others, a bit fun. Thank you for sharing this piece & congrats on the DLD.

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Hello-Please In reply to mreid973 [2011-02-10 00:28:35 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for taking the time to read it.

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xlntwtch [2011-02-09 13:46:51 +0000 UTC]


You wrote very fine words here, and an even more terrific progression (un-progression?) from fox to man, the last eating everything readily available. Thank you. Congratulations on the DLD.

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Hello-Please In reply to xlntwtch [2011-02-09 14:17:24 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for reading! Much appreciated

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xlntwtch In reply to Hello-Please [2011-02-10 08:15:27 +0000 UTC]

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DailyLitDeviations In reply to ??? [2011-02-09 08:52:10 +0000 UTC]

Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) and has been selected as our Pick of the Day. It is featured in a news article here: [link] and on our main page.

Keep writing and keep creating.

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Hello-Please In reply to DailyLitDeviations [2011-02-09 12:29:42 +0000 UTC]

Yay! Thanks DailyLitDeviations!

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CrumpetsHarvey In reply to ??? [2010-11-30 23:39:22 +0000 UTC]

You're right that it probably doesn't fit all the prompt's requirements. But it does do the important thing: you're someone else.

The descent from fox through seagull, to cow, to slug, to human, lowest of the low (as I read it) appeals to me.

The second stanza sounds like Guy Fawkes to me and the animals are scared and, I suppose, a dead firework results in a dead fox or something. That's the best interpretation I've come up with so far.

The imagery throughout the rest is powerful though. It may not quite be the prompt but I definitely like it.

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Hello-Please In reply to CrumpetsHarvey [2010-12-01 18:02:05 +0000 UTC]

This is an interesting interpretation, it seems I have been too vague on the second stanza or people are trying to read too far beyond it, it's in fact a four line introduction (even though it's the second stanza!) that explains why this whole event has occurred, i'll leave it at that, but it is more literal than one may think.

The descent from animal to human was very much part of the message in here, I'm glad this appeals to you!

Thank you ever so much for the favourite.

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apple-dark In reply to ??? [2010-11-26 23:55:37 +0000 UTC]

Eeeee.

Wonderful and thought-provoking, with a lot of delicious words, but the last stanza left me with a horrified and tense feeling. Which is great if that's what you intended.

"Some tired, bored creator, caught in a moment of whimsy,
Shifted our souls from one thing to the next, a wonderful game it must have been."

Why isn't it that we wish for ourselves these other things? Anyway, just me being philosophical. But the rest of those experiences didn't sound so bad to me. Beautiful and deliberate, perhaps, and yes a game, but people do choose to play games. Hence deliberation....

I really loved most of this. Great job.

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Hello-Please In reply to apple-dark [2010-11-27 00:06:26 +0000 UTC]

Thankyou for taking the time to read it, it's very much appreciated.

I'm glad the last stanza provoked that reaction, it was my intention!

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TGfascinated In reply to ??? [2010-11-26 03:04:33 +0000 UTC]

DT,

I do quite like the mood of the piece, and it is you style of "speech" that gives the piece the air of credibility as an exercise in though or imagination - or maybe as a reality.

I'd fave this, but I can't do that on my BlackBerry.

Nice work!

Sincerely,
Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson




(God I hope someone remembers that reference)

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Hello-Please In reply to TGfascinated [2010-11-26 17:51:50 +0000 UTC]

You are too kind TG, hope your thanksgiving has been enjoyable!

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TGfascinated In reply to Hello-Please [2010-11-27 06:39:53 +0000 UTC]

it has... Part II with the wife's family is later today... unless she feigns sick so we don't have to go...

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CyneNoir In reply to ??? [2010-11-26 01:05:21 +0000 UTC]

I really like the mood you manage to give this poem through your diction. The way you phrase things is quite interesting and it does well to characterize your speaker.

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Hello-Please In reply to CyneNoir [2010-11-26 17:51:29 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, though I wish I had worked on it some more before posting it to be honest.

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