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Published: 2010-09-25 22:17:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 16748; Favourites: 413; Downloads: 890
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Description
Consider this:We're going to go on a date, nothing fancy. Perhaps a burger and movie. Afterwards, I will let you walk me home, or vice-versa. There will be no touching, we will remain as pure as driven snow for this night, this glorious evening which will consist of red checker table cloths, Italian food (we nixed the burger idea, or we will at any rate. Linguini with mushrooms and white wine sauce is a little more elegant, wouldn't you say? Lady and the Tramp, they knew where it was at - we'll just push it up a notch) and coffee, followed by an action movie, any action movie, any movie will do. Consider that.
Rewind:
We met in a cloudy bar, at the end of June. You had bedroom eyes, and I was convinced I had bedroom hair. I spent two hours getting ready for this night, I was fashionably in disarray. You probably spent 15 seconds getting ready, perhaps going out was a split second decision after gorging on pizza or whatever it is you males do in private on a Friday evening, football, beer, fast food. You're a mess, with ripped jeans and a tattered shirt, but you are tantalizing and I decide right then and there that after my sixth (eleventh) drink I will approach you and insist that you take me home. I get sick after my third vodka (straight up, I'm proving a point) and call a taxi. I am destitute. I will never see my smoky Romeo ever again. This is all encompassing for about three hours, for that is how long it takes me to fall asleep, even though the world is still spinning. I will never order a triple anything again.
Fast Forward:
As I shave, my morning ritual for the last twenty six years while you pin your hair back and apply mascara and purse your lips in to the mirror, I watch you counting gray hair, as you have for the last six years. Our children are grown and gone, something that I'm sure we both never thought we'd see. The big house is empty, emotionless. You hired a maid on limited funds and she ended up staying for love of the kids, but now she has nothing to do and spends her afternoons playing solitaire in the dining room. I can't understand your fascination with your temples, as you rub them in circular motions and mutter about age spots, stress lines, smile creases. I feel a heavy weight in my stomach as I watch you complete your morning routine (or should I say, mourning). I wish we were 25 again, whenΒ Β you were confident and glowing, and I was a vagabond out to steal your heart from the moment I laid eyes on you in that musty bar. I had no idea we would come this far, no idea you would make me fall in love. Do I have regrets? Do I wish I had found another woman, one not quite so absorbed in her own aging process? No. How was I to know it would come down to this.
The Present:
My mom and dad are the greatest people I have ever known. Sure, I'm only twelve, but whenever I can, I make my mom tell me the 'Story of How My Parents Met.' She always gets this dreamy, far off look in her eyes and leans back in to her chair, sighing, clutching her heart.
"Your father," she would start, "Was a rascal if I ever saw one."
When I grow up, I want to marry a rascal. I want to take hours to get ready for a night out, I want to propose a date out of the blue because I lost track of my undisputed embodiment of maleness (this is what she called him, and still does, when he's not patting his belly, which hangs a little lower than it used to) in a haze of alcohol and smoke, and then come across him barely a week later at the train station on Sixth. I want to change plans, have a small wedding, have three children in three years, and hold hands underneath the sycamore tree in my backyard every night of my married life, with the man I love. I will proclaim that I indeed tamed him, look at this, I managed to capture him and keep him, and how well he behaves in public now; just like my Mom. She says that if she ever did anything right in her life, it was to go out that night, to the bar. I believe her. My parents are the best match in the world.
Consider this:
Two days before the scene in the bar, before the nervous drinks and the drunken stupor, you go to a Chinese food restaurant. You order some Chow Mein, and it comes with a cookie. Inside of the cookie is a slip of paper, delicately creased and smelling sweetly of the lemon baked in to the crunchy shell of it's prison. You pull it out, spread it flat on to the table, and chuckle to yourself, for it doesn't tell you a very decent fortune. It tells you to be wary of strangers. Why, you're always wary of strangers! Your mother taught you that from the day you were born, and you've never seen yourself kidnapped. What do you think of that, little cookie? You pay the bill, check the time, and try out your new saunter past a table full of construction workers on your way to the door.
Your mind wanders as you consider what you will wear on Friday: it's girls night out, and you want to look your best.
Related content
Comments: 249
pullingcandy In reply to ??? [2011-06-01 01:45:32 +0000 UTC]
I have subtitles?
Thank you!
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lonealphawolf In reply to pullingcandy [2011-06-01 01:59:05 +0000 UTC]
As in the 'the present', 'rewind', etc. (Looking through your literary pieces is fun, fun, fun!)
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pullingcandy In reply to lonealphawolf [2011-06-01 02:11:13 +0000 UTC]
Oh how sweet of you to read them <3 They mean lots to me. I'm glad you've found some pleasure in them
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lonealphawolf In reply to pullingcandy [2011-06-06 04:07:08 +0000 UTC]
They were delightfully well written! Made my day.
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insertcleverIDhere [2011-03-20 04:05:02 +0000 UTC]
Wow, this is fantastic! Considering you're only twelve years old, this is SO THOUGHTFUL! It blew me away!
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pullingcandy In reply to insertcleverIDhere [2011-03-20 04:31:02 +0000 UTC]
Oh, I'm not 12.
I'm 30. Heh. It's just a sectioned piece of writing from 3 points of view..
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insertcleverIDhere In reply to pullingcandy [2011-03-20 18:20:43 +0000 UTC]
Oh, whoops! My bad.:3
Still excellent. Still something to be proud of!
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pullingcandy In reply to insertcleverIDhere [2011-03-21 01:05:17 +0000 UTC]
Thank you kindly
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TheCreativeJenn [2010-12-02 18:47:49 +0000 UTC]
This was a wonder to vision as I read, and I love the mood it sets coming from two different worlds.
Very awesome writing, lovely!
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pullingcandy In reply to TheCreativeJenn [2010-12-03 02:06:04 +0000 UTC]
I'm so happy you liked it
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sheepysaccount [2010-11-29 11:50:43 +0000 UTC]
This is amazing. We played around with perspectives in my creative writing course last week and this is a really good example. I'll definitely consider writing something like this in the future
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pullingcandy In reply to sheepysaccount [2010-12-01 13:11:37 +0000 UTC]
It was tough because I'm not sure how to be some of those voices...but I took suggestions and I think it was quite enjoyable to explore the perspectives of more than one person.
You should consider it It's fun.
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savvycoon In reply to pullingcandy [2010-11-26 17:42:32 +0000 UTC]
XD you're very welcome!
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icantwrite [2010-11-10 15:37:14 +0000 UTC]
I like it! I have to admit I was actually a little surprised to read ' Do I wish I had found another woman' I actually thought that it was all from her perspective until I read that
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CrumpetsHarvey [2010-11-03 20:18:02 +0000 UTC]
This is a very compelling a well-constructed look at a romance. Nice
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0Gl1tch0 [2010-10-25 02:54:56 +0000 UTC]
Ladies. Look at your date, now back to this, now back to it, now back to this. Sadly, it is not this, but it could /look/ like this if it magically warped through time. Look down. Back up. Where are you. You're in the present, with your mother. Look again. Your mother is now Chow Mein! Anything is possible when your romance makes less sense than memento. I'm an old man rubbing his temples.
*doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo*
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pullingcandy In reply to 0Gl1tch0 [2010-10-25 03:21:07 +0000 UTC]
While I enjoy the Old Spice commercials I am not sure if this was a compliment or just a really ridiculously round about way of being a jerk. *snicker*
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0Gl1tch0 In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-26 00:42:03 +0000 UTC]
A little bit of both
I just think your work had a tendency to forget about the previously set up timeline. It all seemed rather non-sequitor.
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pullingcandy In reply to 0Gl1tch0 [2010-10-26 00:57:45 +0000 UTC]
Wasn't supposed to be sequential so I suppose that is alright xD
And! Thank you...I think lol
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pullingcandy In reply to amber-rayin [2010-10-20 15:38:39 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very, very much <3
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3-degrees [2010-10-13 08:31:26 +0000 UTC]
Critique
I really like the writing style. It's poetic and descriptive without getting noticeably purple. Brilliance: "I feel a heavy weight in my stomach as I watch you complete your morning routine (or should I say, mourning)." Yes!
Other bits of style that I liked:
the headings
"delicately creased and smelling sweetly of the lemon baked in to the crunchy shell"
"try out your new saunter" - rofl, it's so true! As a side note, is saunter the correct word here? This -is- a question from me to you as I've struggled over the definition of saunter before so I'm on the lookout for it in context.
"after my sixth (eleventh) drink" -
"This is all encompassing for about three hours" - I like this, it's as though this 3 hours is the extent of the impact she expects him to have on her life. How wrong were you, lady?
"any movie" - yes!
Bits I struggled with:
"as virginal as a newborn babe" - gives me terrifying opposingly rapey images. virginal and newborn. i know they technically go together, but they go together so definitely, so epitomally (word?) that i would never even expect to see them in the same sentence, which is why it baffles me that it's a little cliche.
"I get sick after my third and call a taxi" - I'm not sure what 'third' refers to here. Maybe I'm being moronic.
"Do I have regrets? Do I wish I had found another woman, one not quite so absorbed in her own aging process? No. How was I to know it would come down to this." - I didn't really understand how the last sentence followed from that. ALSO, at the word 'woman' was the first time I was aware that it was from his POV not her's. Did i need to know that earlier, or were you trying to echo that they both felt similarly toward each other? I couldn't quite tell.
I flat out don't like this:
"My mom and dad are the greatest people I have ever known." - and - "I make my mom tell me the 'Story of How My Parents Met.'"
The reason is that this part steals the child's personality and converts the child into a glorification device. Inject more personality into the child and that will fix the 'glorification device' aspect, but I probably still won't believe the child asking the mum to tell the story of how the parents met simply because, to anyone but themselves, it isn't that exciting (I know it's exciting to me the reader, and part of the reason for that is your use of "you" to put "me" there ). Also, I think I am the only one of my 4 siblings to ask how mum and dad met, and I only did that when I was 19, so you are working on a hard case with me here
The whole present segment confused me in light of the fast forward and concluding segment. I liked that the cookie suggested she beware of strangers, and that meeting him led to a weird and very slight sense of malcontent at the end, so the 'present' section was confusing in its bliss. I couldn't tell if things that hinted at malcontent really did or not - 'change plans', 'his belly', 'tamed him'??? Not sure if i was meant to think they were perfect together holding hands under the sycamore tree every night or not?
Grammatically, I'm not the best, but this is what I noticed:
"I spent two hours getting ready for this night, I was fashionably in disarray" - I think the comma should be a semi-colon.
"You're a mess, with ripped jeans and a tattered shirt, but you are tantalizing" - tense change within the paragraph... eh, it jolted me, but I did like it.
Other than that though I really liked it and was caught up in the woman's feelings at least, largely caused by your tiny realistic and devastatingly relatable snippets of description. That is very clever and very hard to pull off, especially given that you snuck some quite descriptive things in there without destroying the flow (a skill I do NOT possess, so I envy it).
Great work - well deserved DD. Your writing is vibrant and emotionally enthralling.
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pullingcandy In reply to 3-degrees [2010-10-17 22:29:41 +0000 UTC]
"I decide right then and there that after my sixth (eleventh) drink I will approach you and insist that you take me home. I get sick after my third and call a taxi."
^ Right there That explains that for you.
As for the newborn babe line..It can't be cliche if you never expected to see it. I did struggle with that line and this has been through at least 4 revisions, though they never made it to dA - but still, I have a lot of trouble coming up with something pure there.
As for things that hint at malcontent, thank you for realizing there might be. Nobody leads the 'perfect' life, everybody is unhappy sometime - no matter what, so I wanted the reader to be like, are they happy?
I still have to come back for this to answer it completely
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pullingcandy In reply to 3-degrees [2010-10-17 22:18:07 +0000 UTC]
I was just re-reading this comment, and yes, saunter would be correct.
saunΒ·ter/ΛsΓ΄ntΙr/
Noun: A leisurely stroll: "a quiet saunter down the road".
Verb: Walk in a slow, relaxed manner, without hurry or effort.
That's what I was trying to convey
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pullingcandy In reply to 3-degrees [2010-10-14 14:03:55 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much for your awesome and detailed comment; I've been sitting on it since I received it, I just haven't found time to give you the response it deserves so I'm letting you know you didn't waste your time with so many words, I'm going to have to come back to this though .
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3-degrees In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-15 03:16:07 +0000 UTC]
haha, you're welcome - and thanks, that's thoughtful of you
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shiory [2010-10-13 06:50:07 +0000 UTC]
that was fantastic romantic riveting and mind blowing I loved it.
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pullingcandy In reply to shiory [2010-10-13 14:42:33 +0000 UTC]
Thank you ^_^
I'm very glad you enjoyed
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artISaBANG2395 [2010-10-13 06:37:14 +0000 UTC]
Awww, that was cute!
I never read these things, but this reminded of the days when I was a little kid and I would sit idly and dream about adventures and romance .
I would love to read this as a book one day
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pullingcandy In reply to artISaBANG2395 [2010-10-13 14:43:12 +0000 UTC]
It's actually part of a book, go figure
I'm glad that you enjoyed it, perhaps one day you will get a chance to read the entire collective...pending of course on if I could finish it or not...
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ShadesOfSkysong [2010-10-13 05:37:39 +0000 UTC]
This is beautiful, a truly encompassing story of a life. I love the titles.
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kittylivers [2010-10-13 04:47:53 +0000 UTC]
For such a short piece, this really covers a huge breadth of a person(s)'s life. You did a wonderful job of weaving the same story into many narrators, and the result is amazing.
Congrats on the DD, you totally deserve it.
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pullingcandy In reply to kittylivers [2010-10-13 14:43:35 +0000 UTC]
Thank you, I tried very hard to squeeze all that in there without becoming overbearing.
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ag908 [2010-10-13 04:44:11 +0000 UTC]
your writing is very special, it is very natural and honest.
this could be a casual situation, but the way you describe it and the angles you take to do it transform it into something exceptional.
i really enjoyed reading this text and hope that you keep writing this way.
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pullingcandy In reply to ag908 [2010-10-14 14:04:09 +0000 UTC]
Thank you for your incredibly sweet comment
I'm sure I will keep writing this way
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FeatheredBeauty [2010-10-13 04:43:57 +0000 UTC]
I don't see literature in the DDs much (maybe I don't look hard enough?) but this most definitely deserved one.
Bravo.
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pullingcandy In reply to FeatheredBeauty [2010-10-13 14:43:54 +0000 UTC]
There's one every day
Sometimes they just manage to get overlooked though
I'm glad you stopped by to read my piece ^_^
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FeatheredBeauty In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-13 15:00:36 +0000 UTC]
Then maybe I should look harder. xD I just don't notice them.
No problem, wonderful piece.
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forty-two-point-five [2010-10-13 03:38:47 +0000 UTC]
I love this! It's like little snapshots of their lives, taken from different angles... really amazing!
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