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I open my eyes and it hits me. I feel my chest tighten as a first breath of consciousness swirls through my mind. Today’s the day. The last day of suffering. The last day of pain. The last day I have to put up the walls around myself. Though I fear to close my eyes, I do. I need to steady myself.

“The worst is yet to come.”

I breathe deeply and mentally prepare the barricades, the walls I surround myself with thud into place as I adjust to the day. The strangest part is the fear, there is none. But as I stand and walk to the door, each step drains me.

“Soon it will be over.”

Though I feel empty, it’s strange how I can suddenly feel everything, like my senses have come alive again. The carpet under my feet tickles between my toes; the cold air stings my face and leaves my sinuses aching. I’ve been so numb; the last few days have been like years. I guess I’m the first one awake, I usually am. Sleep is the enemy, too much and the haze lifts forcing the pain to the front of my mind, too little and I become too easy to read.

“You can’t afford to make mistakes.”

They can’t know what I’m planning. They’d try to stop me, to fix me, to do the impossible. I just need to keep the walls up nice and strong. They’ll never learn, I don’t just need “time”, some grief can’t be overcome. I can’t heal these wounds he left me with.

“Don’t think about it...”

I stare into the bathroom mirror. The stranger stares back. I can’t look at this mess anymore. It disgusts me. The skin of a human wrapped around a twisted, deformed mind.

“I guess you lost yourself awhile back, huh?”

I turn on the shower; the crash of the water on the floor soothes the static threatening to engulf my thoughts. I step into the flow of water, it thunders down upon my back; bringing out the aches. The familiar burn returns. I’m so used to it I don’t even wince as it spreads through my arm, igniting the cuts and scars.

“You’re a mess. Don’t worry; you won’t need this disaster of a body for much longer.”

I take my time with my routines; after all, this is the last time I will ever get to do them. I want to look as good as I can to disguise myself, they’ll never see me beneath it all. I guess I should be glad it’s never a struggle to find, I don’t understand why I must wear my best. It’s not what he would have wanted, me all dressed up, pretending. He would have wanted me to be comfortable.

“Don’t think about it, don’t think about him... Not here... Not yet.”

My first mistake, I knew it was only a matter of time. My vision blurs with tears and my ears fill with static as the memories flash through my mind. They cut through my reality, tearing my cold facade. The pain is too real, too strong for me to face.

“Stay strong, for him... This is the part you have to do for him.”

He was always my strength, I relied on him. Even before he was mine... Now he’s gone. I can’t be without him. Knowing this gives me strength though. Strength I can use. Strength to push it all back down, block it out.

“It’s nearly time to go; you should go and get it now.”

I reach to the very back of my sock draw, and there it lies. A small plastic bag that holds my fate. In less than a few minutes it would be too late. No irritating attempts to save me would succeed. I will be free. I take the bag and slip it into my pocket, I feel safer with it there, pressed against my leg, a tiny bump that holds the end of the world. Maybe I can make it through this.

“You WILL make it through this.”

I walk through the door, closing it for the very last time. The butterflies in my stomach wake in the car. I have to keep control. I can hold them down. I can repress the fear. Of course this fear isn’t for my own welfare. I fear for them. Those who cared for me. I’ll hurt them, this I know.

“They’ll hurt for awhile, but they’ll heal. Death takes us all in the end.”

The car stops. I’m here. I’ve planned for this; I have a role to play. I’ll be playing “The Grieving Girlfriend”. This shouldn’t be too hard, after all that is who I am. I’ll fool them all. I just won’t look them in the eye; they’ll never see my torn soul.

“Throw the walls up, nice and strong.”

I step to the concrete, my foot hits the ground, and I force myself onwards. They’re all crying, they miss him too, but I know inside, it’s nothing compared to me. I feel it so strongly I can’t even allow myself to feel it. I haven’t yet.

“It’s going to stay that way.”

They direct them all inside and take my seat. I vaguely register that she’s next to me, my closest friend. But before I can think anymore about her, I see it. He’s already here, up the front. I can’t see him this way. The music begins and they all stand. I know he would have hated this song. This isn’t what he would have wanted.

“Calm yourself... You need to keep control...”

I can’t look. Not in a box, cold, empty, dead. My heart beat accelerates as I fight the tears. It’s a fight I just can’t win. I grab her shirt, pulling her close as I bury my face in her shoulder. We cry together. She loved him too, though maybe in a different way. We hold each other tight as I feel the sobs shake my body as I fight the battle inside. I suppress the screams that beg to be released.

“Not here... Not yet.”

I hear them speak, but the words are meaningless. They can’t talk about someone they never truly knew like they were close. They never saw him the way I did, they never understood him, and they never even tried to.

“You tried harder than any of them ever did...”

This crude exhibition of his life sickens me. I need some air. I pull away from her tear stained shirt and stare at my knees as I wipe my eyes. The tears still seep from my eyes and fall on my jeans. Like tiny mirrors reflecting the fluorescent lights back at me.

“He hated seeing you cry...”

The music begins again, and feet shuffle to stand. I close my eyes as they pass, carrying my beloved. I hold back the breath that longs to cry out in pain. My fists are clenched so hard into my palms, but even physical pain can’t stop me from feeling the agony.

“You need to stop, someone is going to notice you and you’re so close...”

I know it’s true; I’m so close to the end. No mistakes. No slip ups. Not now... But maybe I’m safer than I thought; all they see is their own pain. But soon they will see mine. Soon they will all bear witness to my end. I briefly wonder what reactions they will show, who will find me first?

“You always were the over dramatic one.”

They begin to disperse, following him out of the large echoing room. I can’t move, the numbness has taken over my body once more. I think it must be a form of self preservation. She grabs my arm and gently leads me to the door. I still can’t allow myself to look her in the eye. She’s known me for years, she could see right through me. She was always so good to me... I wish I could tell her, just to say good bye. Just to let her know I cared about her too, but that I had to do this, for me and for him.

“She’s stronger than she knows, she’ll make it though. You can’t give yourself away.”

I sit in the car, waiting for it to pull away, to follow the hearse. I don’t know where I’m going. I didn’t ask. I just know we’re going to the cemetery and to my death. But they don’t know that yet. The guilt starts to hit, there are so many things I will leave unfinished upon my departure from this life.

“He left you alone. He left you unfinished.”

He didn’t choose to. He never wanted me to suffer. He loved me. He never wanted me to go through this. He never would have left if he had a choice. He needed me, the way I needed him. I’m sure of it. I feel the tears begin to well up and I force myself to stop these thoughts. It will upset me too much.

“It’s going to be ok, you’re so nearly there.”

They’ve stopped at the gates and are slowly entering the cemetery in groups. I follow. I’ve lost her in the forest of people; I don’t try too hard to find her. She’d be with the rest of them anyway, it’s good that she’s getting used to being one of them, she’ll probably need the support anyway. There are so many. So many headstones, so many people whose lives have ended. It’s easy to tell who’s been forgotten in the passing of time. Names become moss covered and the lichen begins to grow, fake flowers covered in mould as their rotting counterparts litter the ground.

“You’ll be one of them someday, long forgotten and neglected.”

There’ll be nothing but a stone to mark my short time on this earth... My thoughts are cut short as I see the rest of them, gathered around a mound of dirt. He’s already here, suspended above his final resting place. This is where I will be ending my life.

“Not a bad place to die, I suppose...”

The overcast skies cast faint shadows through the bare trees. The brown autumn leaves are blown across the somewhat damp grass. The grey skies stretch as far as I can see; a bleak border to the scene before me. A few words are spoken, mostly his family this time. I ignore their tearful voices. None of this matters to me anymore, I just want it over with.

“Haven’t you been taunted enough? This drags on...”

The only reason I could face the day today is in my pocket. Without this hope I wouldn’t even be here. This is my last day in this world, in this life. I’ll be reunited with him soon. I’m sure he’s been missing me the way I’ve been missing him. I wonder where we’ll go. I wish I knew.

“All I know is he wouldn’t have gone on without you.”

I wonder if he can see me right now. I wonder if he knows my plans. He knew me well enough to know I wouldn’t live without him. I’m suddenly filled with horror as I worry.

“What if he did go on without you?... He wouldn’t do that to you... Would he?”

“He wouldn’t if he had the choice”, I decide as I feel the panic subside. The silence begins. It’s the longest minute of my life. It’s like my world is on pause, the only sound is the birds in the distant trees.

“The hard part is almost over, you can do this, and you can do this for him.”

They form a line, and one by one pass by. Muttering last goodbyes and condolences to his family. I find myself near the back, which is fine with me, since this isn’t really goodbye for me anyway. This is just the beginning of our journey together.

“Stay strong, I know you can.”

I don’t look down. I don’t want to see that wooden box in the dirt, knowing he’s inside. Knowing this is when my love shall lie, forever. I whisper a quick “I love you” before moving along. I’m sure they all think I’m heartless. But they think they saw my emotions in the church, so maybe they won’t judge me too harshly.

“Why do you care? They’re all about to see you die for him in a few minutes anyway?”

A few minutes. That’s true. My time is nearly up. Everyone’s preoccupied, saying goodbye or consoling each other, and I can see they’re about to fill in the grave, this is the perfect time. It gives you ten minutes to get in place. I should do it.

“This is what needs to happen. You were never meant to be in this world anyway...”

I reach into my pocket and easily remove the miniscule capsule from the bag. I hold it in my shaking hand, but there are no doubts in my mind. This is how I am supposed to go out, I’ve always known that. No seven year old knows they’re supposed to die for someone, yet I did. This is how I will end. This was my destiny. I bring my hand to my face, as if to wipe away an invisible tear, and place the poison into my mouth.

“No turning back now.”

I accept my fate with resignation and no trace of fear. I swallow the pill.

“Now we wait...”

Now we wait... It appears everyone is getting prepared to leave. Maybe that’s for the best. Maybe its better there isn’t such an audience for this. I guess they’ve gone through enough. I know I have. It’s a strange feeling, knowing you’re about to die. Knowing that there is no escape from it. I guess it’s sort of like that all the time anyway. I like the control. I like knowing exactly when it’s going to be over.

“The pain will start soon you know.”

I know, but that’s just a small part of what’s to come. I know exactly what this will do to me. Firstly, the dizziness will start, followed shortly by the pain, then nothing. I wish there was a faster way to get to the nothing part. But there isn’t. I walk over to the dirt mound that is now as close as I can get to him.

“Do you feel that?”

A sudden wave of light-headedness takes over me. I fall to my hands and knees. I didn’t expect it to be this strong so fast. I should have expected it I suppose. The world spins. I feel myself collapse into the dirt beside his grave.

“I guess this really is the end.”

I use as much coordination as I can manage to raise an arm and place it over the grave. My fingers dig into the dirt; I squeeze the earth, the way I used to hold his hand. It feels almost warm. Everything feels warm. There is a loud buzzing in my ears and I register that they probably would have noticed when I collapsed. Oh well, too late now.

“I think now is the time to finally remember him...”

How could I ever forget... I feel the painful memories flood through my mind as reality becomes ever fainter. Memories of everything, every second I spent beside him, every kiss, touch, embrace as clear as the moment they happened. But now they aren’t painful, they’re perfect... They’re the way everything was supposed to be. Even the moments that hurt at the time fit perfectly into the puzzle that was our lives together.

“Even in death you could never forget the colour of his eyes or the sound of his voice...”

Of course I couldn’t... This is the bliss I’ve always searched for, I knew I was right. This is it. He was my soul mate. He was made perfectly, just for me. He was mine, I was his.

“Now for the pain I suppose...”

I knew it was coming, but I didn’t expect this. My insides are on fire. I want to throw up, but I don’t think even that could banish this pain. My throat is burning, worse that I could have ever imagined. I knew it would be bad, but not this agony. The dizziness was manageable, pleasant even. This is the very definition of hell.

“It will fade soon I’m sure...”

I know it will, it has to. This is what I have to pay for the chance to spend eternity with him, and even as I think this, the pain in my guts begins to lessen. All the pain begins to lessen. I can’t feel myself anymore. All I am is thoughts, and even they are fading.

I know he’ll find me.

This is only just the beginning.

Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }

I open my eyes and it hits me. I feel my chest tighten as a first breath of consciousness swirls through my mind. Today’s the day. The last day of suffering. The last day of pain. The last day I have to put up the walls around myself. Though I fear to close my eyes, I do. I need to steady myself.

“The worst is yet to come.”

I breathe deeply and mentally prepare the barricades, the walls I surround myself with thud into place as I adjust to the day. The strangest part is the fear, there is none. But as I stand and walk to the door, each step drains me.

“Soon it will be over.”

Though I feel empty, it’s strange how I can suddenly feel everything, like my senses have come alive again. The carpet under my feet tickles between my toes; the cold air stings my face and leaves my sinuses aching. I’ve been so numb; the last few days have been like years. I guess I’m the first one awake, I usually am. Sleep is the enemy, too much and the haze lifts forcing the pain to the front of my mind, too little and I become too easy to read.

“You can’t afford to make mistakes.”

They can’t know what I’m planning. They’d try to stop me, to fix me, to do the impossible. I just need to keep the walls up nice and strong. They’ll never learn, I don’t just need “time”, some grief can’t be overcome. I can’t heal these wounds he left me with.

“Don’t think about it...”

I stare into the bathroom mirror. The stranger stares back. I can’t look at this mess anymore. It disgusts me. The skin of a human wrapped around a twisted, deformed mind.

“I guess you lost yourself awhile back, huh?”

I turn on the shower; the crash of the water on the floor soothes the static threatening to engulf my thoughts. I step into the flow of water, it thunders down upon my back; bringing out the aches. The familiar burn returns. I’m so used to it I don’t even wince as it spreads through my arm, igniting the cuts and scars.

“You’re a mess. Don’t worry; you won’t need this disaster of a body for much longer.”

I take my time with my routines; after all, this is the last time I will ever get to do them. I want to look as good as I can to disguise myself, they’ll never see me beneath it all. I guess I should be glad it’s never a struggle to find, I don’t understand why I must wear my best. It’s not what he would have wanted, me all dressed up, pretending. He would have wanted me to be comfortable.

“Don’t think about it, don’t think about him... Not here... Not yet.”

My first mistake, I knew it was only a matter of time. My vision blurs with tears and my ears fill with static as the memories flash through my mind. They cut through my reality, tearing my cold facade. The pain is too real, too strong for me to face.

“Stay strong, for him... This is the part you have to do for him.”

He was always my strength, I relied on him. Even before he was mine... Now he’s gone. I can’t be without him. Knowing this gives me strength though. Strength I can use. Strength to push it all back down, block it out.

“It’s nearly time to go; you should go and get it now.”

I reach to the very back of my sock draw, and there it lies. A small plastic bag that holds my fate. In less than a few minutes it would be too late. No irritating attempts to save me would succeed. I will be free. I take the bag and slip it into my pocket, I feel safer with it there, pressed against my leg, a tiny bump that holds the end of the world. Maybe I can make it through this.

“You WILL make it through this.”

I walk through the door, closing it for the very last time. The butterflies in my stomach wake in the car. I have to keep control. I can hold them down. I can repress the fear. Of course this fear isn’t for my own welfare. I fear for them. Those who cared for me. I’ll hurt them, this I know.

“They’ll hurt for awhile, but they’ll heal. Death takes us all in the end.”

The car stops. I’m here. I’ve planned for this; I have a role to play. I’ll be playing “The Grieving Girlfriend”. This shouldn’t be too hard, after all that is who I am. I’ll fool them all. I just won’t look them in the eye; they’ll never see my torn soul.

“Throw the walls up, nice and strong.”

I step to the concrete, my foot hits the ground, and I force myself onwards. They’re all crying, they miss him too, but I know inside, it’s nothing compared to me. I feel it so strongly I can’t even allow myself to feel it. I haven’t yet.

“It’s going to stay that way.”

They direct them all inside and take my seat. I vaguely register that she’s next to me, my closest friend. But before I can think anymore about her, I see it. He’s already here, up the front. I can’t see him this way. The music begins and they all stand. I know he would have hated this song. This isn’t what he would have wanted.

“Calm yourself... You need to keep control...”

I can’t look. Not in a box, cold, empty, dead. My heart beat accelerates as I fight the tears. It’s a fight I just can’t win. I grab her shirt, pulling her close as I bury my face in her shoulder. We cry together. She loved him too, though maybe in a different way. We hold each other tight as I feel the sobs shake my body as I fight the battle inside. I suppress the screams that beg to be released.

“Not here... Not yet.”

I hear them speak, but the words are meaningless. They can’t talk about someone they never truly knew like they were close. They never saw him the way I did, they never understood him, and they never even tried to.

“You tried harder than any of them ever did...”

This crude exhibition of his life sickens me. I need some air. I pull away from her tear stained shirt and stare at my knees as I wipe my eyes. The tears still seep from my eyes and fall on my jeans. Like tiny mirrors reflecting the fluorescent lights back at me.

“He hated seeing you cry...”

The music begins again, and feet shuffle to stand. I close my eyes as they pass, carrying my beloved. I hold back the breath that longs to cry out in pain. My fists are clenched so hard into my palms, but even physical pain can’t stop me from feeling the agony.

“You need to stop, someone is going to notice you and you’re so close...”

I know it’s true; I’m so close to the end. No mistakes. No slip ups. Not now... But maybe I’m safer than I thought; all they see is their own pain. But soon they will see mine. Soon they will all bear witness to my end. I briefly wonder what reactions they will show, who will find me first?

“You always were the over dramatic one.”

They begin to disperse, following him out of the large echoing room. I can’t move, the numbness has taken over my body once more. I think it must be a form of self preservation. She grabs my arm and gently leads me to the door. I still can’t allow myself to look her in the eye. She’s known me for years, she could see right through me. She was always so good to me... I wish I could tell her, just to say good bye. Just to let her know I cared about her too, but that I had to do this, for me and for him.

“She’s stronger than she knows, she’ll make it though. You can’t give yourself away.”

I sit in the car, waiting for it to pull away, to follow the hearse. I don’t know where I’m going. I didn’t ask. I just know we’re going to the cemetery and to my death. But they don’t know that yet. The guilt starts to hit, there are so many things I will leave unfinished upon my departure from this life.

“He left you alone. He left you unfinished.”

He didn’t choose to. He never wanted me to suffer. He loved me. He never wanted me to go through this. He never would have left if he had a choice. He needed me, the way I needed him. I’m sure of it. I feel the tears begin to well up and I force myself to stop these thoughts. It will upset me too much.

“It’s going to be ok, you’re so nearly there.”

They’ve stopped at the gates and are slowly entering the cemetery in groups. I follow. I’ve lost her in the forest of people; I don’t try too hard to find her. She’d be with the rest of them anyway, it’s good that she’s getting used to being one of them, she’ll probably need the support anyway. There are so many. So many headstones, so many people whose lives have ended. It’s easy to tell who’s been forgotten in the passing of time. Names become moss covered and the lichen begins to grow, fake flowers covered in mould as their rotting counterparts litter the ground.

“You’ll be one of them someday, long forgotten and neglected.”

There’ll be nothing but a stone to mark my short time on this earth... My thoughts are cut short as I see the rest of them, gathered around a mound of dirt. He’s already here, suspended above his final resting place. This is where I will be ending my life.

“Not a bad place to die, I suppose...”

The overcast skies cast faint shadows through the bare trees. The brown autumn leaves are blown across the somewhat damp grass. The grey skies stretch as far as I can see; a bleak border to the scene before me. A few words are spoken, mostly his family this time. I ignore their tearful voices. None of this matters to me anymore, I just want it over with.

“Haven’t you been taunted enough? This drags on...”

The only reason I could face the day today is in my pocket. Without this hope I wouldn’t even be here. This is my last day in this world, in this life. I’ll be reunited with him soon. I’m sure he’s been missing me the way I’ve been missing him. I wonder where we’ll go. I wish I knew.

“All I know is he wouldn’t have gone on without you.”

I wonder if he can see me right now. I wonder if he knows my plans. He knew me well enough to know I wouldn’t live without him. I’m suddenly filled with horror as I worry.

“What if he did go on without you?... He wouldn’t do that to you... Would he?”

“He wouldn’t if he had the choice”, I decide as I feel the panic subside. The silence begins. It’s the longest minute of my life. It’s like my world is on pause, the only sound is the birds in the distant trees.

“The hard part is almost over, you can do this, and you can do this for him.”

They form a line, and one by one pass by. Muttering last goodbyes and condolences to his family. I find myself near the back, which is fine with me, since this isn’t really goodbye for me anyway. This is just the beginning of our journey together.

“Stay strong, I know you can.”

I don’t look down. I don’t want to see that wooden box in the dirt, knowing he’s inside. Knowing this is when my love shall lie, forever. I whisper a quick “I love you” before moving along. I’m sure they all think I’m heartless. But they think they saw my emotions in the church, so maybe they won’t judge me too harshly.

“Why do you care? They’re all about to see you die for him in a few minutes anyway?”

A few minutes. That’s true. My time is nearly up. Everyone’s preoccupied, saying goodbye or consoling each other, and I can see they’re about to fill in the grave, this is the perfect time. It gives you ten minutes to get in place. I should do it.

“This is what needs to happen. You were never meant to be in this world anyway...”

I reach into my pocket and easily remove the miniscule capsule from the bag. I hold it in my shaking hand, but there are no doubts in my mind. This is how I am supposed to go out, I’ve always known that. No seven year old knows they’re supposed to die for someone, yet I did. This is how I will end. This was my destiny. I bring my hand to my face, as if to wipe away an invisible tear, and place the poison into my mouth.

“No turning back now.”

I accept my fate with resignation and no trace of fear. I swallow the pill.

“Now we wait...”

Now we wait... It appears everyone is getting prepared to leave. Maybe that’s for the best. Maybe its better there isn’t such an audience for this. I guess they’ve gone through enough. I know I have. It’s a strange feeling, knowing you’re about to die. Knowing that there is no escape from it. I guess it’s sort of like that all the time anyway. I like the control. I like knowing exactly when it’s going to be over.

“The pain will start soon you know.”

I know, but that’s just a small part of what’s to come. I know exactly what this will do to me. Firstly, the dizziness will start, followed shortly by the pain, then nothing. I wish there was a faster way to get to the nothing part. But there isn’t. I walk over to the dirt mound that is now as close as I can get to him.

“Do you feel that?”

A sudden wave of light-headedness takes over me. I fall to my hands and knees. I didn’t expect it to be this strong so fast. I should have expected it I suppose. The world spins. I feel myself collapse into the dirt beside his grave.

“I guess this really is the end.”

I use as much coordination as I can manage to raise an arm and place it over the grave. My fingers dig into the dirt; I squeeze the earth, the way I used to hold his hand. It feels almost warm. Everything feels warm. There is a loud buzzing in my ears and I register that they probably would have noticed when I collapsed. Oh well, too late now.

“I think now is the time to finally remember him...”

How could I ever forget... I feel the painful memories flood through my mind as reality becomes ever fainter. Memories of everything, every second I spent beside him, every kiss, touch, embrace as clear as the moment they happened. But now they aren’t painful, they’re perfect... They’re the way everything was supposed to be. Even the moments that hurt at the time fit perfectly into the puzzle that was our lives together.

“Even in death you could never forget the colour of his eyes or the sound of his voice...”

Of course I couldn’t... This is the bliss I’ve always searched for, I knew I was right. This is it. He was my soul mate. He was made perfectly, just for me. He was mine, I was his.

“Now for the pain I suppose...”

I knew it was coming, but I didn’t expect this. My insides are on fire. I want to throw up, but I don’t think even that could banish this pain. My throat is burning, worse that I could have ever imagined. I knew it would be bad, but not this agony. The dizziness was manageable, pleasant even. This is the very definition of hell.

“It will fade soon I’m sure...”

I know it will, it has to. This is what I have to pay for the chance to spend eternity with him, and even as I think this, the pain in my guts begins to lessen. All the pain begins to lessen. I can’t feel myself anymore. All I am is thoughts, and even they are fading.

I know he’ll find me.

This is only just the beginning.