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Invader-Emily — Chapter 1: The finding
Published: 2008-02-17 03:34:55 +0000 UTC; Views: 128; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 5
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Your hand slowly moved toward the object and felt a cold metal feeling in the palm of your hand. The shine came closer to your face as you moved it up with nervous hands. It was a small necklace with a red stone in it. Someone must have lost it on their way through the forest. You looked around but nobody was around. "I wonder what it's doing out in the open?" you said aloud to yourself. Now, you didn't want to look like a theif so you quickly put it back, being too afraid to go deeper in the forest to find who it was. While you walked out, you felt a small amount of guilt but you managed to ignore it.Once you were near your house, you say Isabella walking home. "Hey, Bell!", you called out to her, realizing you called her by her nickname, which was unusual even for you. "Oh, hi Samantha, I was just out looking for my lost necklace", she was looking a bit curious at the nervous expression on your face. Your eyelids dropped a little, you wanted to tell her where to find it but you didn't want her to know that you left it in the forest. You couldn't think of anything else to say, you didn't want the wrong thing to slip out.
"I have to go now", Isabella said quickly and she seemed like she was in a hurry. You decided to go home too, but somethign was strange. You felt a sudden cold sensation on your neck, so you went to the bathroom mirror to see what it was. You couldn't believe your eyes at the sight, Isabella's necklace was placed on your neck! "What the..." was all you could say at the moment. You knew for a fact that you left the necklace back in the forest and that Isabella would've said something if she saw the necklace on you.
You panicked and you tried taking the necklace off but you couldn't. This was very strange, and you wanted to tell Isabella that you found her necklace, but you wouldn't be able to explain the fact that it was on your neck and you can't take it off. The necklace wouldn't come off with the greatest strength pulling on it. You sighed in frustration and sat in your bed, realizing how tired you really were after walking so much. Your eyelids grew heavy and you drifted off to sleep. You could always worry about the necklace when you woke up, anyway.
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Comments: 2
Again, well written ^_^
I do have a couple of crits though, if you don't mind.
To begin with, you seem to be writing in a 3rd person style, in which you simply replace the protagonist's name with "you." It would be more effective, I think (and I may be wrong; this is the first second person story I've read), if you followed a 1st person style. This means that you focus much more on the feelings of the protagonist than is normal for other types of prose, and talk more about what things are like from the perspective of the hero, than from the transcendent perspective of the narrator. Talk much more about the way things look, smell, feel etc.
Also, I think it would be agood idea (and again, I might be wrong,) if you wrote in the present tense. While past is the most effective for 3rd and 1st person writing, 2nd seems different. Since the protagonist is "me," it's weird to be told about things I did. It would be much easier to get relate to something that I'm doing.
Finally, try not to overexplain things. For instance, you say "you called out to her, realizing you called her by her nickname, which was unusual even for you." Try to make things like that obvious from the text; it leaves a bigger impact on the reader. If you can't figure out how to do this, it's usually a good idea to just leave the detail out; participle-filled run-ons like that tend to be hard to follow, and irritate the reader.
Other than that, marvelous job! I can't wait to see what happens next ^_^
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lol, thanks again I'll be sure to keep these in mind. ^.^
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