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Invader-Jaklyn — KOTTP Chapter 1
Published: 2011-02-01 23:41:20 +0000 UTC; Views: 101; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description Vito waited for the return of his mother. It was nearing autumn, the leaves were now changing their shade and food was scarce. Hibernation was coming and being only a young owlet still, it was Vito's first time traveling such a distance beyond Island Luminous, their home, and across the Starry Ocean to the uncharted land or Land of Strange Beings as his father said. He was the youngest in his family of soon to be five. Then he would be the middle chick once the new egg hatches. His sister, Sumitra, was the eldest and next to become the Moon-eye leaderess. Sumitra was at his family's nest back at Home base where the other four, colony nests were. But new owls will be joining the colony near hibernation time so there would be five nests not four. Vito, unlike the rest of his Moon-eye family, wasn't looking forward to the idea of having a new baby sister or brother he liked being the baby of his clan, but mother and father insisted that Vito at least help prepare for the newborn.
He ruffled his black and grey chick feathers, chilling, ice cold air of fall seeped through his matted, chick feathers down in his skin, nipping at his nerves. He shivered. Vito hoped his mature, flight feathers would grow soon; he wasn't used to this new, paralyzing winter weather yet and his body was freezing near the outside. His sister was lucky, already half matured she would be flying soon and mocking Vito from above. He shifted from side to side on the maple tree branch just a hop away from the launching window of Home base which was the entrance and exit of his home. He looked out into the forest hoping to catch a glimpse of mother. But still, like the last ten minutes, no luck in spotting the female hunters or his mother. Vito's patience was wearing thin and his stomach began to speak in soft rumbles and moans. Feed me! It said. I am hungry, Feed me, Vito! Vito! Vito?
"Vito? Vito?" sang a beautiful voice from the sky. He looked up and saw a graceful figure land beside him. It was Ma holding a dead field mouse in her black talons. "Vito? Why are you out here, freezing yourself to your hollow bones?"
Vito hopped quickly to mother and rubbed his soft cheek and neck a crossed her side, also wrapping his small, flightless wings around her torso. "Mama!" he shouted with glee just happy to be back in Mother's warm presence again. "Mama, I missed you Mama! I was scared and lonesome while you were away! But hearing your heartbeat heats my small body. I love you, Mama!"
Mother smiled and rubbed her head and neck against Vito's body and face, smiling happy to see her little chick again. The mother Moon-eye crouched down to meet eye to eye with Vito and spoke in her angel like voice. "I love you too my young owlet, but you are now one month old and no longer a newborn chick. I understand there will be a new Moon-eye as well, and you wish to stay the youngest but nothing is ever earned by cowardliness and youth. And soon you will be the father of many other generations and a father is one who stands for his family not hide behind them. Do you understand, Vito? Be more mature like your sister, Sumitra. Come, time to eat dinner." She smiled and nudged her owlet along the maple branch into the old, worn out barn known to the owls as Home base.
She guided her young chick to their nest among the shelves near the ceiling. Their family's nest was formed by hay, fur, old feathers and leaves. Mother pushed her struggling chick into the large nest with father sitting upon the beige, white speckled egg that would hatch at any moment to any day. Mother jumped off the ledge and flew in a spiral toward the nest, landing on the edge of the family's roost. She jumped in the hay pile, still clutching the dead mouse in her claws. She walked toward Father and they both nuzzled their necks showing their affection. Sumitra wiggled her long, smooth feathered tail and gave Mother a big hug followed by a nuzzling of their head and torso. Vito walked toward Sumitra. She smiled and rubbed her neck along his side. She noticed some of his baby fur was molting and wrapped her wings around her brother nearly squeezing some of his life out of him.
Mother stepped in. "My, Sumitra, you are so dazzling." Vito also noticed Sumitra's lack of baby fur and feathers. Her mature wings were now half molted and her chest seemed smooth and even felt silkier.
She focused her vision on her little brother. "I see Vito has also been molting his chick feathers. You're going to look even better than Papa soon." Father waddled over keeping the egg balanced on his toes and underneath his warm feathers. Father and Mother both did this so it would make switching the egg to each other faster and less risky. Vito has heard tales of flightless, narrow-headed swimming birds do this because they lived in the coldest of places without any nests. Owls weren't supposed to do this, but it made walking and switching the egg much easier.
He studied his son before bursting out into laughter. "I do see. My son is growing into a full blown male. Soon you'll be flying just like your old owl. I can't wait to teach you everything I know." He paused. "But first, let your Mother feed you. You must be starving you two." He looked up at Mother who was frozen in silence. "Tanith? Everything alright." He seemed nervous by Mother's reaction and words.
"Alpha I want to speak with you outside." She said softly. The two young owlets seemed scared and felt as though they had missed something the parents had said. Father looked down at Sumitra and told her to sit on the egg for a few minutes. She was a little frightened, she didn't know how to sit on an egg let alone incubate it for a while. But once the little, unhatched sibling was balanced on her toes she didn't think much of the egg as such a big responsibility. Then the parents flew to the outside of Home base.
It was only a minutes before anything happened. Sumitra began it giggle. Vito turned to face his sister when a small, creaking sound startled him. It was coming from the egg. The egg was hatching! Sumitra placed the egg on the floor of the nest. The egg rocked back and forth. The two siblings, however, didn't know what to do next; they just stood frozen in fear as the egg creaked at the bottom of the fragile surface. Then to the two owlets surprise, two, small talons poked out of the bottom hole. The newborn, still inside the egg, rocked itself up onto its feet and began to wobbly walk toward the part of the nest that was low enough for the baby to hop off and walk across the ledge to its death.
The owlets looked at each other, thinking the same thing before clumsily running after the walking egg. They screamed at the chick to stop, but no use came out of that, the egg kept on walking to the edge of the balcony. Vito had to stop his sibling before death came to it sooner in life than the average owl. The egg was now balancing on the thin, long wooden board that took Vito a week to correct his balance on. Its feet were now becoming as wobbly as loose branches on the maple trees. The chick was dangerously teetering on the wooden plank, and as the young chick was about to lose its balance and crash into the pebbles and rocks below, Vito lunged forward scooping the falling egg in his wings. As his weight began to pull the two down he clutched the plank with his talon and closed his big, silver eyes. Was this it, both my sibling and I will plunge to our deaths or is this just a horrible daymare. He thought to himself. He really did think he was going to die on his own roost, when a jolt of relief and fearful moments stopped his descent to death. His talon was snug deep within the wooden tissue. He sighed, but then ripping wood came to his ears. His weight was tearing the old wood from its post. Vito was frozen and the young chick began to become nervous and tremble. He tried hulling himself back up on the roost with his other foot but his talons clamped into a rotten part of the frame and crushed under his grip.
His was losing time as the strength of the plank weakened in the tension Vito and his new sibling was putting on it. He looked down at the ground and became more terrified as the ground became an inch closer. His voice was only a squeak, and the owls looked from their roost and began to mutter and then panic. Vito's mother and father were still outside talking and had no idea Vito and the newborn were in trouble. Vito had only one other option.
With all his might he screamed to his sister who was paralyzed in fear over the ledge. "Sumitra! Sumitra, help me! Sumitra, please help!" his sister was still in shock of the falling chick but summoned all her courage and bit deep down in Vito's lengthy, fluffy tail. She began to hull the two up but it was too much weight and she lost her grip on Vito's tail and he was lunged again toward his death. The wood was becoming weaker and was already splitting off. Vito had only one shot at saving his sibling and himself.
In a blaze of courage, he let go of the wood and began to fall to his death, but he had other ideas of dying. Being careful not to creak or hurt the baby owl in any way, Vito held the egg in his talons and began to flap his wings. But no matter how hard he flapped, his wings didn't do much good. But he had another idea. Leveling out his wings he filling his wings full of heated air generated from the sun and the blackened rocks below. As his mind told him he was going to die, the only thought is his head was of the magical queen, Echo, an incredible Soul-eye who lives in a far away castle called the Twilight Palace. He pictured her silvery, blinding white feathers and her beaming eyes as though they were stars her creators had given her instead of eyes. And, as though he was lifted up by the power of Echo, he began to float back up toward his nest as though the earth had turned upside down and he was falling backwards. He was getting dizzy, but remembered his little sister or brother and forced himself to continue upward.
Soon he was over his roost, gliding down and falling on his back saving his sibling's life and his own, he carefully sat up and turned to his shocked sister. With tears nearly spilling over her silver, gleaming eyes she ran to her brother and nuzzled his neck and hugged him too. She then told Vito to go and fetch father and mother as she watched over her newborn sibling.
Vito did as he was told and went to find father and mother. He hopped from branch to branch searching for the owls. It wasn't long before Vito found mother and father discussing over something on a pine tree a long ways away from Home base. He was about to call over to them when he heard his name in the conversation. He instead hid behind the tree's bark listening for the perfect time to jump in.
"But it's just unnatural for Vito to be molting so late in life." Vito didn't understand, what did Mama meant by 'unnatural' yet he returned to the conversation. "Sumitra began to molt just at two weeks but a whole month isn't normal. What if Phoenix or one of the other elders find out, they might make my poor baby stay here to starve or freeze to death." She began to sob and Vito had tears running down his cheeks as well.
"Tanith please, you are working yourself up for nothing. Each chick takes their time to molt, Vito is no different." He nuzzled his grey crested head in mother's neck showing her nothing was wrong. "Come now my sweet, Vito and Sumitra must be getting worried. We don't want to keep them waiting alone with the egg."
Vito then took this time to walk out. He hopped onto the branch his parents were roosted on. He whipped away his tears and Tanith wrapped her wings around her chick. "Oh Vito, how much did you hear, my boy?"
"Just enough, is there really something wrong with me, Mama?"
She locked eyes with Father's. She sighed. "No Vito, I was just overreacting. I am sorry if I scared you, but what are doing, leaving your sister with the egg?"
"It's not an egg anymore."
"What?" gasped Father, "But if it's not an egg then…"
"I've got a new sibling, Pa." Vito explained with a smile.
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Comments: 6

ZADRfan1 [2011-02-02 20:11:09 +0000 UTC]

Alright. I’ve read this first chapter, and I’m quite pleased to say it’s drawn me in already. =3 But let me leave you just a few suggestions to take into consideration for future reference. Remember that this is all meant to help you improve your craft.

“If those who have studied the art of writing are in accord on any one point, it is on this: the surest way to arouse and hold the attention of the reader is by being specific, definite and concrete. The greatest writers…are effective largely because they deal in particulars and report the details that matter.”

-William Strunk Jr.

“John Gardner in The Art of Fiction speaks of details as ‘proofs,’ rather like those in a geometric theorem or a statistical argument. The novelist, he says, ‘gives us such details about the streets, stores, weather, politics and concerns of Cleveland (or wherever the setting is) and such details about the looks, gestures, and experiences of his characters that we cannot help believing that the story he tells us is true.’”

-Janet Burroway

“A detail is “definite” and “concrete” when it appeals to the senses.”

-Janet Burroway

In this first chapter, I find you pull this idea off very well in your description of your characters and setting.

I’m able to “see” the autumn leaves that are now changing colors. I can “hear” Vito’s stomach growling at him (good use of personification as well, having his stomach “begin to speak in soft rumbles”) And I can “feel” the “chilling, ice cold air of fall seeping through his matted, chick feathers down into his skin, nipping at his nerves” as well as many other sensory inputs. But remember to include all five senses in your writing. You could have perhaps added something about how the air smelled outside or how it smelled inside their nest. Also, don’t forget to take taste into consideration. They may not have eaten anything in this chapter, but you could have added something about being so hungry that their mouths’ were watering when the mother brought in the food.

“A detail is concrete if it appeals to one of the five senses; it is significant if it also conveys an idea or a judgment or both.”

-Janet Burroway

While you have great details in this first chapter, remember not to overload your narrative as well with too many. Only mention those that are significant and add to some important aspect that will later be addressed in the story.

“The greater significance of realistic details may emerge only as you continue to develop and revise your story, for, as Flannery O’Conner says, ‘the longer you look at one object, the more of the world you see in it.’ Certain details ‘tend to accumulate meaning from the action of the story itself’ becoming ‘symbolic in the way they work,’ O’Conner notes. ‘While having their essential place in the literal level of the story, [details] operate in depth as well as on the surface, increasing the story in every direction.’”

-Janet Burroway

And so I leave you leave you with this one last quote to take into consideration:

“Good writers may “tell” about almost anything in fiction except the characters’ feelings. One may tell the reader that the character went to a private school…or one may tell the reader that the character hates spaghetti; but with rare exceptions the character’s feelings must be demonstrated: fear, love, excitement, doubt embarrassment, despair become real only when they take the form of events –action (or gesture), dialogue, or physical reaction to setting. Detail is the life-blood of fiction.

-John Gardner

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-02 20:16:41 +0000 UTC]

thx sooo much, this should help alot

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ZADRfan1 In reply to Invader-Jaklyn [2011-02-02 20:28:24 +0000 UTC]

I hope it does. I only really covered just a tiny portion of craft technique with you in that first chapter. Basically, I thought it would be helpful to start out with some info on significant detail since you have so much. I'll cover other topics as I read through your other chapters. But I need a short break to get some homework done. I'll start up on your second chapter a little later. Perhaps in an hour or so. =3

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-02 20:29:22 +0000 UTC]

alright, no need to rush!

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ZADRfan1 In reply to Invader-Jaklyn [2011-02-02 20:30:31 +0000 UTC]

Well, I'll be taking my time responding. I don't want to overload you either with comment after comment about craft technique. XD

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-02 20:32:33 +0000 UTC]

no worries!

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