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Invader-Jaklyn — KOTTP Chapter 2
Published: 2011-02-01 23:47:22 +0000 UTC; Views: 149; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 3
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Description The family was very excited to watch the small owlet hatch from his egg, even Vito. The young male was announced Ugo the youngest of the Moon-eye family. He was shy around the other newborns but loves his sister and brother. Vito hadn't told his parents about saving Ugo's life yet, not after overhearing how he might be unnatural in any way, but however Vito was able to tell Ugo about his daring rescue and pleaded that neither Ugo or Sumitra breathe a word to the elders or mother and father.
"What happens if they do find out, brother?" Ugo asked after Vito had told him his story one night.
"If they do find out, then they know I'm different and will leave me here during the winter with no food or warmth. I would die alone without I owl to care. My spirit would wonder the forest forever alone and frightened and hungry."
"That's horrible, brother. I promise I won't tell a soul." He crossed his heart with a wing and yawned.
"How about we go to sleep, huh Ugo?"
"Okay and thank you." He yawned.
"Thank you?"
"Yeah, for saving my life, I love you, Vito." He said in between yawns before drifting off to sleep under his wing.
Vito closed his eyes and said, "I love you, too Ugo." And fell fast asleep.

***
The next morning, Vito opened his eyes to see Ugo looking at him strangely. It was as if Ugo was watching an owl eating a smaller owl, as though Vito had done something unbelievably horrifying, but Vito didn't, or did he? He ruffled his feathers that seemed thinner and even a tiny bit lighter. He was confused by this and cocked his head to see something shockingly strange yet he was proud at what he saw too. From his neck down, all his chick fluff had been molted and a thick layer of mature, speckled white and silver feathers replaced the owlet feathers that circled him. He rounded his head to see his newly fledged tail feathers that were long, slim and unmistakably perfect for flying through the crisp autumn nights.
"Vito, you're… you're… you're Pa. You look so different. Is it really you, could it be you, Vito?" Ugo said sort of scared and excited at the same time. He reached out with a wing and stroke Vito's right foot and felt a strange lump where a tiny sliver was imbedded. Vito and Ugo found after a week when Vito walked on the wound causing extreme pain. But luckily, Mama and Papa weren't around. Pa was teaching Sumitra how to fly and Mama was out catching their dinner. Soon it would be Vito and Ugo's turn to learn the art of flying from their father later in life. None of the owlets knew what to do about the cut they had to tell mother and father about it soon and maybe tonight is the night. After all, Vito can't hide his new, mature feathers from his Ma and Pa. "How can we keep this a secret, Vito?" Ugo asked as if reading his older brother's mind.
"We don't, we have to tell Mama and Pa."
"Just about the molting though right, Vito?"
"No Ugo, about everything."
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Comments: 26

ZADRfan1 [2011-02-02 22:25:28 +0000 UTC]

“In writing fiction, if the writer depicts the precise physical sensations experienced by the character, a particular emotion may be triggered by the reader’s own sense memory.”

-Janet Burroway

In your second chapter, I see you writing about several different emotions throughout the narrative. “The family was very ‘excited,’ Vito and Ugo seem to have formed a loving bond between each other, and in the morning, when Vito wakes up, Ugo is staring at him strangely, almost as though in horror. Rather than merely “saying” these emotions out loud in your writing, try to describe them without actually mentioning the emotion they’re feeling. I think you got closest to doing this in your description of how Ugo was staring at Vito: “It was as if Ugo was watching an owl eating a smaller owl, as though Vito had done something unbelievably horrifying” But try to think about how else you could describe their emotions without saying them. For example, if one of your characters is scared, rather than saying so, recall from your own past experiences what it’s like to be scared. Perhaps their stomach drops, their body break out into tremors, they hold their breath.” Think creatively. This is turn will bring about an emotion similar to the one you’re trying to convey in your readers.

“Get control of emotion by avoiding the mention of the emotion. To avoid melodrama, aim for a restrained tone rather than an exaggerated one. A scene with hysteria needs more, not less control in the writing: keep the language deflated and rooted in action and sensory detail.”

-John L’Heureux

“The past is beautiful because one never realizes an emotion at the time. It expands later, and thus we don’t have complete emotions about the present, only about the past…That is why we dwell on the past, I think .

-Virginia Woolf

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-02 22:29:39 +0000 UTC]

thx again, i'll try to do some of the things u suggested!

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ZADRfan1 In reply to Invader-Jaklyn [2011-02-02 22:38:41 +0000 UTC]

You're quite welcome. =3 Do give them a try sometime. I promise you, this advice will help your writing greatly. I didn't learn this stuff until well after I had entered college and I was pissed. No teachers had the guts to just tell their students when certain aspects in their stories weren't working. None until I met my new favorite teacher. He's a really effective teacher and I wish I had learned this stuff a lot sooner. It would have helped heaps had I known before then. Now I have to struggle to meet those standards as a writer.

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-02 22:54:07 +0000 UTC]

thx, but u do like them right? i donno, just curious

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ZADRfan1 In reply to Invader-Jaklyn [2011-02-02 23:01:27 +0000 UTC]

Oh, yes. I think you're doing a good job on them. My critiquing is just a helpful hand in the chance you may ever revise them for anything. And it should also help any future writing you do if you keep this stuff in mind. =3

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-02 23:14:46 +0000 UTC]

thx, and i'm glad u like them

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ZADRfan1 In reply to Invader-Jaklyn [2011-02-02 23:15:54 +0000 UTC]

The story has a nice feel to it, being taken from the point of view of owls.

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-02 23:18:06 +0000 UTC]

thx, i was reading the Ga'hoole books (its a neat story) and thought it would be cool, best part theres gonna be bats in there to including wolves, and foxes, but thats all i'm gonna say for now

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ZADRfan1 In reply to Invader-Jaklyn [2011-02-02 23:24:28 +0000 UTC]

Well, then. I can't wait to read. =3 It's got an almost fantasy type feel to the story. Anthropomorphic animals are always the best. Makes me think of my favorite writer, C.S. Lewis.

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-02 23:26:27 +0000 UTC]

thx, the owls are supposed to be in the future when new owl breed with other types and over run the owls that once were, so now there are new owls runnig around! (i'll explain later )

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ZADRfan1 In reply to Invader-Jaklyn [2011-02-02 23:33:06 +0000 UTC]

Aw, I see. Well, that makes it even more interesting. Keep those ideas coming. They'll make for a great story. =3

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-02 23:38:18 +0000 UTC]

thx

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ZADRfan1 In reply to Invader-Jaklyn [2011-02-02 23:43:24 +0000 UTC]

No problem. ^_^

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-02 23:58:55 +0000 UTC]

^^

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ZADRfan1 In reply to Invader-Jaklyn [2011-02-03 00:02:25 +0000 UTC]

Alright. I'm about to sit down and start work on a critique for your third chapter. =3

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-03 00:11:23 +0000 UTC]

cool!

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ZADRfan1 In reply to Invader-Jaklyn [2011-02-03 00:15:35 +0000 UTC]

Alright. Well, I read it. Now I'll get started on an actual critique. =3

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-03 00:17:48 +0000 UTC]

okie dokie

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ZADRfan1 In reply to Invader-Jaklyn [2011-02-03 00:42:17 +0000 UTC]

Alright. I just left my response. You did a really good job on that third chapter keeping us in your character, Vito's, consciousness without interruption. =3

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-03 00:42:58 +0000 UTC]

thx ^^

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ZADRfan1 In reply to Invader-Jaklyn [2011-02-03 00:45:24 +0000 UTC]

No problem. =3

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-03 00:47:52 +0000 UTC]

(couldn't think of anything else)

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ZADRfan1 In reply to Invader-Jaklyn [2011-02-03 00:48:42 +0000 UTC]

Lol. XD Well, I'll give you more to think about later.

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-03 00:52:32 +0000 UTC]

oakily dokily! ^^

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ZADRfan1 In reply to Invader-Jaklyn [2011-02-03 01:08:08 +0000 UTC]

Gotta read something for homework again. X'D But I think it's my last reading of the day. Then I'll be free to continue working on your story. =3

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Invader-Jaklyn In reply to ZADRfan1 [2011-02-03 01:08:38 +0000 UTC]

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