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LabradoriteWolf — Bringer of Dusk
Published: 2009-08-15 20:14:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 974; Favourites: 21; Downloads: 12
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This one took me so long
I started it about 10 months ago *i know, that's a loonnngg time ago*
My bro was back then when it was just a sketch of the dragon hysteric about it. His excitement grew when I was coloring the head of the dragon, and since then he was begging me to finish it and to give it to him. I wasn't in the mood to work on it, so I left it for a long time in my deskdrawer. Once I tried to go on with it *that must be about 8 months ago* but I couldn't work on it, so it was doomed to it's prison in my drawer. Anyway, my bro's birthday was coming, and I thought of how happy he would be if I finished it and gave it to him for his birthday.
I wanted to keep it a secret, and wanted to see his surprised face. In the begining *10 months ago* when I just made it, he was talking much about it, that i should finish it because it was so 'gaaf' *means something like cool in dutch
*But it went less when time passed and he stopped talking about it since February. That was my chance to surprise him.
Slyly I was working on the neck of the dragon, while I was listening closely if he wouldn't get to my chamber, since he likes to just walk in and talk to me or to show me what he made in his levels of little big planet *he's a genious with it, I can tell you
*He didn't came, and I could hide it again in my drawer. I was a bit stressed, because I hadn't the time to finish it. I just said to myself I would finish it in the week of his birthday, and went playing Okami. He walked in, and was just talking about my art at once *I thought: huh, he actually rarely talks about that* and bit by bit he came to the dragon he liked so much. * I was giggling in my head, but I knew I would have to bring him to another subject for our conversation, since it was too dangerous to talk too much about this piece.* I tried to talk about other things, but he kind of refused to, and just kept talking about the dragon. Me in thoughts: *no no no, this is going bad
.*He: ... you really should finish it, it's so beautiful, especially the eye... *blablabla*.... you know what, I want to ask this for my birthday!
Me: grrr, stupid fool!
He: ...
Me: I finally get myself to finish it and surprise you with it, and now you start about it after months and months! How the heck is that possible! urgg...
He: hehehe, owwww I'm psychic
Me in thoughts: *yea, that's pretty weird actually O_O*
I think he really is. He had more of those moments. I'm writing a book, and when I was just busy with it *no-one ever got something to read of it, not even a glance on a page back then* and at once he said the title of the chapter I was busy with...
He: name of chapter... that's a chapter of your book, right?
Me: ................... O_O
*I guard my notebook and my book with my life, I put it out when I'm going to leave it for a drink, I'll never leave it unprotected in sight of anyone...*Such weird things.... Well Danny, Happy birthday ^^
I know you liked it, and however it wasn't a surprise anymore, you didn't know how he would be with his wings, background and neck! I hope you have many more birthdays with me
Note: it took me so long to make the scales. Each scale has in total 5 layers
Some even 7...So yea, that was why I lost interest in it
Some dragon ©
Piece belongs now to my brother
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Comments: 213
thank you so much
It took muuuuch time, but I think it was worth doing it
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Beatiful, the scales are awsome
The wings and neck are very nicly shaded but the head looks kind of flat in comparition.
Love the background especially the moon *awooo*
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Thank you
Well, the head was the thing that I made already about a ten months ago, so you can see it has a bit of a style mix that doesn't look that good together 
And I'm happy you like the moon
I thought I blowed that thing kindof
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...Wow...that's very impressive work : O
Beautiful work; I bet he liked it!!
Extra credit for the coloring too! I'm jealous
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Thank you so much
But it took me sooo long
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But it was well worth seeing this in it's final : )
(Augh, that took me a long time to figure out in that Emoticons list what was the code for a hug lol)
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hehe, I'm happy you think that
I'm pretty pleased with the result, however it took me loads of artsupply's and time
just : hug :
I always have troubles with finding the emoticon I want, but if I finally got them, I won't forget them anymore
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I use pretty much emoticons, don't I 
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eeyee, sorry, but they are just so fun to use
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I got no complain on it xD
They're kickn'!
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Deviant has so many cool emoticons
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True there
...Wait, isn't it getting past your bedtime?
Jk, jk : )
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hehe, you don't have to say that
With almost none sleep...
well it was 11:30 pm back then, normally I don't go talk too much anymore but I can be long awake sometimes... and I just didn't wanted to quit talking with you
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Awww...
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look at yourself, you ARE a kind person
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...Not to change the mood of the conversation, but I might as well say it:
If I'm kind, how come I feel so loose, so messed up inside?
It's one part of the human you looking at; kinda like the 'everyday' relationship: it looks pretty, until you go deeper into the oak. It's more true to look within that person, not just the bark.
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What do you think yourself? Why is it so messed up inside then?
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...Idk, but what do you think of a person that COMPLETELY changes his aspects of his responsibility with his education? One that lacked the thoughts, the tears, to shed on his grandfather's grave two winters ago? And for his other grandparents? One that learned through the end of his first job...that he got from his best friend's mother, that the real world is here, and all the warmth and protection you had in your hands is now ice? One that now fears of being a place he doesn't belong, and just wants to run away, and lose touch with everyone around him, and to join the forces of our country...as part of a solution to help reach his '
Do you think he IS kind? Do you think he DOES have something others don't? Or he is just masking part of his shame away from others to notice? Just another random bastard in the pile.
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I don't know... The only person who can tell him is heself. You have the answers in your hands, but if you don't read them you will never be able to understand them. One will be readable when time passes by, others will fade away because of the lack of curiosity to look inside himself. That's what will make a difference. Will he choose to be what he thinks he is, or will he choose to look different, fitting in with the others...
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Time flies...but time flew by too fast for me for that time. When I was younger, I used to be one of the early-workers when it came down to any of my classwork. I was basically a guy who was on top of anything, one that believed that himself was sweet, even though he was shy with people.
Then, after experiencing reality with my job, my grandfather, and my true motives on things I believed in that would describe me within, I completely felt like crap. And time just blew away from me to enjoy anything that should've been important to me. My parent's slowly began to notice over time my change in my attitude, and pretty much (mostly) my dad was ticked at me: the one man who said I could do anything with my life, the one who I had the most respect for back when I was younger. I lost most of my respect of them. He still helps me, but yet I know what he thinks because of then...and I keep to myself still because of that. I will never consult with my parents of how I trully feel about stuff like this.
I lost the sense of being a responsible person, because why would I waste my time with my responsibilities, if I lost the strive to achieve? I pretty much lost control slowly. Sometimes I'm on track, other times I'm not.
Now...I'm stable, but who knows how long that'll last.
But it's reality, a lie. I know no one's perfect, but come on, at least I should have some respect, some sense of love in my heart, and unfortunately, that's limited to me. I know there's parts of me that are nice, but I take more consideration of what's bad of me, because I want to get it off of me. I want to be pure.
I can't be sure of that though. Like my friends, going through several 'relationships', I rather not be searching about for someone like I'm some sort of a stalker. There's many people out there that could be the 'one' for you. I would see some girls now and then, and I'll be like 'She's nice-looking', but yet I know my stand when it comes to respect with them (unless they're totally evil). So...even if I saw someone, I wouldn't be going up to him, asking about them and such. It'll just be ordinary routine, and I'll just keep on walking.
I believe the true love in your life will cure you of all you obtain. If she's out there, she could probably turn me all around, and I would feel no more guilt about the monster that lurks within me. It would be tamed, and I would give my life for her in times of trouble, because she saved me.
It's 'Joe' : )
Well...thoughts came out at times about myself wanting to just end my life. I hate my life, and I just want to end it. Sometimes I would just fiddle about with the pocket knife I got from my sister and brother-in-law, the edge sweeping about on my fingers, arms, wherever it's at (and no, I don't cut myself; it's rediculous).
'What about your family? Should you be thinking about what you'll be doing to them if you were to do that?' There might be stuff like that I would probably assume people would say, but let me tell you this: there's this commerical on TV one day that talked about the situation of a teenager with drugs. He had 'consciences' on both sides of his shoulders, telling him what to do. But he knew at the end, it was all up to him. If I were to consider it, I know my stand, and what to do with my life. I can't let the strands of the 'if's hold onto me. I want to do what I believe it's the best for me, not anyone else.
But as you said, yes, I will never do it, because...one, I fear of feeling pain, and two, it's just not me. But that is the problem: if I can't do that, I'm just stuck in this prizon until I die naturally. So...life's just torture. That's why I wouldn't mind running away, and just lose all communication with everyone I know.
A good example of this is from the book 'Into The Wild'. If ya don't wanna bother reading the book, there's also a movie that's based on it. It talks about a guy named Chris McCandless. It's good...and understandable about what he did, and what he thought at times.
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Maybe your parents know there's something on your mind. But they are just very suspicious, too afraid that something bad will happen to you, just like drugs or something. And to look objective to you they take some distance to show how you react, what you do. If you want to get their trust back, you need to tell them the truth. Tell them you feel bad, that you feel screwed up inside of you. If you do that, you gain their trust again. I know you don't want it at any rate, but I think it'll help you. If they know, something inside of you will rest. They know, and that you told them makes one part of your body calm. I know it sounds rediculous, because you absolutely want to avoid them will stuff like this... but, what do you think yourself... will they ever recognise you if you keep everything away from them?
Focus on the good thing in your body. Focus on it till it will grow. And when you think you are bad, and you are sickened by yourself keep in mind you have that piece in there.
Well... what responsibility's do you loose then? What do you see as your duty?
Love... so you think it will give you the cure to everything. You think it will refresh your spirit so much that you won't feel the 'bad' thing anymore? then you have to trust on your heart and let it search on it's own. Don't go look for her too much, time will give you her in the time you need her the most. It's faith, it will drive you towards her. And as long as you haven't found her, keep in mind it's not your time yet.
To be honest... I had that too. I have a pocket knife I've once got as a present, in my room. When I had the feeling my life wasn't worth it anymore, I played with it within my hand. But everytime when I looked at that sharp end, I thought of how much more pain I would give myself. What I would do to me if it wouldn't succeed and if my family brought me to the hospital in time. I wouldn't be able to look them in the face. And I knew I couldn't do it to them, to the world. I know that sounds weird, but I have the feeling I can make a difference... that something will happen when I'm ready for it. And that was the time I learned not to be selfish, and fight for my body again. To drift away the evil disease in my foot. Not to give up, however it was so painful. To show I'm worthy, no matter what. I'm glad to hear you couldn't. I wouldn't have met you if you succeeded, and I can only agree with the fact that life is a torture. But we need to make it as good as possible. Your life isn't worth it if you waste it and only think it's bad, because it will become bad.
And cutting down all of your communication... sometimes it feels like that's the way to solve your problems, but that's only temperary. Maybe you should go on a holiday, just by yourself... but come back again and pretend like nothing happened.
But what do you mean with: 'It's joe'
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If that was the truth, I 'truly' appreciate it. They're just letting the monster lurked within me longer, to turture myself longer in the inside. And, if I were to commit my death, would they really see this method being the most wise? They are just making me feel miserable in the inside. I don't get it how that's suppose to help.
As of opening up to them...Idk, it really isn't in me to doing that. Because I'm still trying to figure out what can I say to them that can calm me down. Idk where to start, and IF it can resolve anything. Until then, as I mentioned earlier, most of my respect for them is lost, because of the way they tried to help me earlier. I'm starting to care less and less of what they think of me. I only care what I think of myself. Selfish...but...idk, it's just what I think now.
(good) True, but that doesn't mean I don't want the bad off of me. It's still there, and one day, I will find someway to remove it. I can focus all on the good in me...but yet, bad sliters within the good. Perhaps the good is false, and what you see as good in me, is actually bad in disguise.
My duty? Well...to be responsible my school work, and be on top of things, instead of lacking behind all the time.
I don't trust what my hearts saids anymore; it misleads me from the truth. Like...for example, there was this girl during my Junior year in High School. I wasn't a close friend of her's, but yet she was all right. She was in my Math class. After getting to know her a little better, chatting with her, I slowly thought then she was the one. I would talk with her with any problems I have, and she did the same for me. I talked with George over these things about her, and he tried to convince me to go with what I believed in. But then, later on, I wasn't quite sure if I was in love. It could've been anything that MADE me think that way. She was opened to anyone, like some sort of a drama queen. I knew she had problems, but yet, like a few of her closer friends thought, it seems like she just wants attention to her problems.
During the beginning of my Senior year, I looked at her, thinking 'She ruined me of my life and time.', but then later...I knew it was all my fault by looking at that perspective.
And now there's someone else I'm thinking about, one who I'm appreciating for art and nice words, and who I'm talking to with my problems...but yet I never met her in person. Isn't that...just completely false-hearted, like earlier? It's a heart that's never to understand what true love is.
I can't trust myself anymore. Yes, perhaps it's not my time for her yet...but it hurts my true self for how long that'll take me. Before you know it, I might end up being completely different than who I am now. I just don't want to live without having that one main reason why I should live. All I'm doing right now is just hanging on the edge...and there isn't a main reason (a hand) to pull me up if I were to give up holding on.
It's good to hear you know your stand with life, but I'm caring less of wasting my life. I don't want to inflict physical pain to myself, but yet my soul drains of caring. All I'm doing is just wasting time.
Perhaps a vacation could work, perhaps not. Idk...I just feel that breaking away from all that's me's the only way I can find the truth. Travel about, and enjoying life without connection. Just become a part of the free spirit.
Well, I've opened to ya, and that's concludes yourself to being my friend...so you call me Joe
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So you think there is no love at all for you from your parents? You truly think they just don't want to help you and make it only worse?
Well... how can you tell? Is that really what you see in their eyes? It feels so unfair to me... for you. Why wouldn't you accept you like you are? Why wouldn't they help you in a proper way? What did they do in the past to help you? Was it so bad? Did it only make things worse?
So you are saying you might bad without good inside of you. That the good is fake? But what if it's in reverse? What if the bad is good in disguise, but pretends to be bad to harden you? To make you stronger for some crazy reason?
Hmm, how come you are doing so well on school then if you say you loose your responsibility's? You do pretty well if you go to college? You aren't doing that bad you know, you do good, although it doesn't feel like that always
Well, if that was the case, then why did you felt it? There must have been something, but it slipped through your fingers and that made you believe she said all of that to others. It's hard to get the first thing that way, but it makes you see a different side. Maybe she's next to you... don't go for the people that contact with anyone or something, they mostly want to get as many friends as possible *knowing all the gossip and such* it'll kill you. But I don't think she had that intention. But it's your heart who must decide. And it decided that this wasn't her, however the mind has a big influenze on it...
But no, it was not your fault and not hers. It just didn't worked out, and noone has made the wrong decision. It just wasn't completely there... you shouldn't blame yourself or her. Good you found that out... however it came a bit too late...
We'll see what will happen. Give your heart the time to set things straight, till you know it or not
But your heart isn't false, not in any way. But you can't judge before you met someone, and that's difficult when the distace is so far away. But I can tell you I have the same for someone. That slumbering excitement to talk, to help, to just 'be' there with that person. But I'm sure your heart will find true love. It's there, I know it...
*grabs your hand* I'll never let you fall. And I'll help you to make you feel your life is worth it. You might not know me for that long, but although I may not be the one for you, I'll be the person to be a guide, a friend that won't let you down. Just never give up, please... Joe, don't
I'm glad to hear you don't want to hurt yourself. That is... no matter how you want to put it... a sign that you do care about how you feel. So you care about pain, and that means... indirectly, that you want to live.
Maybe you should. It might work things out for you. But come back again. Don't cut through all of your connections for the rest of your life. Never do that... it might look seducing, but it isn't what you want. Or at least, that's what I think
Funny you started about 'into the wild.' I never heard of it untill you mentioned it, and now we are going to watch it on school. I'm pretty curious... maybe that can make me understand your feelings more and more. I hope it will.
Thank you so much... Joe, sounds good to me
You have no idea what you already mean to me. It happened so fast ^^
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Well, I wouldn't say COMPLETELY none. They do help me out; they got me into college by helping me pay for my stuff so far for college, getting me food, keeping in touch...that sort of thing. I can't say they're monsters, because they care for me. It's just that past experience with them, when I was down in the dumps. They tried to help me, I was still locked up from stuff happening, and then my dad eventually got more and more mad at me about this and that, and how I'm doing bad in school. You just learn from the past how they 'help', and you become lurky from there. It's like an abused animal that understands what his master is capable of if he does something that is 'wrong'. I can't accept who I am now, because (for one) I don't envision myself as this slacker when it comes to his responsibities with school. But yet I know that I have to take care of my physical self as a person, and keep on moving with what I want to do, creatively.
...I don't believe in the bad within me being good. It's just...so wrong. I mean, some of it, it's a good creative side for me to express through any form of art, but at the same time, it's not right. Perhaps it could be a good thing...but it's just my personal perspective ATM.
Who saids I'm doing well? lol. I'm...ATM, not doing that great. No, I'm not like TOTALLY blowing it at college, but I'm like behind on stuff I gotta do, and I'm sorta slacking on some classes here and there. It's the motivation in that department that needs a jump boast one day. The main reason I got into college was because of my ACT ('American College Test'
...I think it was a call of desperation, of fearing to be alone, without anyone to talk to. That's the reason why. Did I see her as a kind person? Yes, I did...but...there's things about her that remain a mystery to me. But I guess it's just how things work in the real world. But still, it's my fault in leading me into that situation. I've been like that for about half the school year back then. If I didn't think that way...perhaps I wouldn't viewed love like that. Although, she did help me out with some of my writing in terms of my inspiration from her and her writing (one of them on my DeviantArt gallery was to her...if ya ever go looking for it). As of being too late...oh well (better then than never (otherwise the guilt would've remained still)).
Perhaps, but, in my opinion, it sounds more like a fairy tale lol. I'm not going to say I'll never find anyone, but we can't say we WILL find someone out there either. It's all a matter of luck in life. But yeah, the '...slumbering excitement to talk, to help, to just 'be' there with that person,' yeah, I know what ya mean : )
Good to hear I have another friend to help me. I'll try not to give up on myself...but...you never know where life will take ya : )
*Sigh*, the curse of life lol. But yeah, I guess that's the truth : )
It's still an option to getting things straight in the head. Maybe not forever lose contact, but...just to go off on a road trip, and live life for some time. Perhaps bring George along with me (which ironically reminds me of a story I'm wanting to work/finish on that's still in progress) : )
('Into The Wild'
lol, you be surprised what could happen in a short amount of time!!
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Ahhh, in that way... it still sounds wrong to me they treat you like that. But for some reason, your dad thinks that's the way to help you. I can imagine it a bit, but still it's not the best way to help you out. Or actually, it's no good at all. He wants to scare you off not to be depressed or anything, but by doing that you loose faith in him. He doesn't see that, he only sees it works, kindof. Or at least, he thinks it works good that way. But by doing that he makes you feel threatened when he's around to 'help' you.
Anyway... I think it's very good of you that you know what you want to be. If you know the goal, the way to get there will look less long. You're on your way, and you'll arrive the sooner or later, I promise
So by using the 'bad' thing you will accept it more, and by accepting you will let it go. I think that's the way it works, so you better try to use it in a good way. I hope it will help, I wonder...
Well by not screwing up the test you already proved it's somewhere in you. What could give you an extra boast to get rid of the arreas, you're in good hands. Let me think... what about keeping your eyes at the horizon of what you want to become. This will help you to get closer, right? So just a little more confidence about the 'this is good'-thing and you're already moving!
Well, we can uncover some mystery's if you would want that
But maybe you're right. Just a desperate call to anyone who wanted to hear it. Guess I just heard it. But I just let myself go following either. Who knows. The feeling is there, maybe just the time needs to come with us. There's one thing I know, and that's this friendship will last for a long time ^^
Ow, no, seriously? And I've missed that. Thank you so much, I feel kindof embarrased I didn't find it before you gave an hint. Well... now the search will begin. Thank you so much
Being inspiration for you, wow that says alot. I'm so glad we met you know. I think this was supposed to happen.
As long as you won't hurt yourself mentally and physically, I'm happy ^^
And one new friend for me too, I'm lucky to have you
hmm... new story ehh? Well I think it's a good thing to search for some adventure. Is George a bit like you? He sounds like a really good friend. How long do you know each other for now?
It's a great movie. So deep. I love it. We will watch each week a little piece, so I haven't seen the whole movie completely, but it's so fascinating. I think Alex Supertramp has some same thoughts as you. Going for the inner deep, what is important in live, not the material stuff. I can't wait till the next lesson when we will watch it again. It's very special. But you also read the book? Hmm, might be an option for me as well... if they've translated it at least
I am already surprised
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Yep, what a great-rounded dad I have. One of my older sisters told me how pressuring he was to her on the phone from missing out the football game with the marching band last Saturday (which I'm in now). She came up with my bro-in-law earlier during the day, I watched with them my niece learning to ice skate, we ate, we went to school bookstore (and my sis bought me a music CD!!), and they got me a lift to my meeting spot for band. They said they had some stuff to do, and they'll see if they can attend the next one. Then my sister messages me the next morning, telling me about the situation, and I was like, WOW...very 'dad'. But at least I'm not the only one with what we have in terms of perspective with our father. Like my sister said, he doesn't take after our Grandpa at all.
Well...self-goal wise yes; in terms of a REAL job, no clue. And I'm caring less and less about it. Stuff's happening, I'm starting to lose concentration on focusing...and I'm starting to see there isn't really any point for me to being at college, if I don't have a clue of what I want to do with my life, and that I'm slacking in school. It's a waste of money, and I can be thinking w/o doing this. Just thinking about it wants me to join the Army...but yet, Idk; stuff isn't making sense now, with my friend in a situation with his parents, and just the fact I can't help him.
In looking at it that way...yeah, the bad will be accepted more. But yet, will it really help my character at all...if I were to say, be honest with my loved one. Idk how THAT would help me in this case.
Well, the first time I took the ACT: happy person. I got an okay score. Next time I took it (the following school year), was starting my mood change, and only improved by a TINY bit (better than nothing!!). The horizon in my eyes is there, but the darkness overclouds it too much, based on what I'm doing now, how my folks will react to it...and just random stuff.
Glad to hear we're building something that'll last a lifetime : )
Good to hear! I hope you read the book! Just to note ya, there's extra journals of other people in there for back-to-back perspective. You might like reading them...but it's up to you. I found it part-wasting when it came down to the MAIN reason why I was reading it xD
Well...Idk about the mental (as I mentioned). Right now...I'm just thinking on and on about stuff...and eh, we'll just see where I goes from there.
I'm lucky to have found you :Hug:
George's like me, but more crazier! He gets into trouble, he has his own problems...but we help each other (whenever we decide to, of course). He's the brother I never want to lose.
I've known him since...perhaps three years ago I think! My friend Steven introduced me to him, and I'm glad to still his friend today!
You can find some videos I did with him on here:
[link]
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Sorry about all the links, but it's just how hyped I am right now xD
*Choke* You're choking me xD
Jk ; )
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...How is two years too fast? You would think I could of resolved this on my own by now.
'Why would you pull yourself down while you deserve it so much?' Because I want to be a better person again, and I fear I'll never grasp it again. I want the best for myself, and for her, but there's no hope within me anymore to motivate myself in achieving this. So much has happen that torn myself apart from who I was. Why would I feel positive with this weight in my hands? How do I 'deserve it' if I don't feel honored in myself? I would rather run away than deserve anything from anyone.
Do you think...if I were to ever tell my dad how I felt during that day his father died, he would be 'It's all right'? No, he would probably go bersurked about it; he'll get upset with me, and will lose complete respect of me for as long as I am. 'You should be ashamed of yourself.' , 'What would your grandfather say?'. That, and of course, eventually my whole family will look at me like I was evil, and will lose it all on me.
I rather be open and honest with people, but yet things in my head I think and do, are completely shameful in my eyes, and it'll be within me forever, like some sickness.
Soul mate...a need...but 'need' 's not really a good word to put it. It kinda sounds like a product, like women are one. I'm not wanting to find a '
All I know now is...is a soul mate, as of finding yours, is as flimsy as paper. She's out there...but where? I fear that time is running out for me. I just can't stand living like this anymore. I don't even like who I've become.
I just fear now I'll do something sooner or later that'll be just disasterous. Without that hope in my eyes, in my arms, I might as well grasp hold of nothing.
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Two years fly Wolfer. You have no idea... time slips away as it passes, barely giving you the chance to accomplish what you want. ANd you can resolve this... believe me.
And putting yourself down only makes it worse. It makes you believe you are a bad person. You say it so much to yourself till you are what you say. But you can change that. Just give yourself the time to find out how. Don't say bad things about yourself while you don't have found yet the thing that makes a difference. You tear yourself apart to get a better person, but if you say to yourself you're bad, then you will never see yourself as a good person.
You want to succeed being who you want to be. so be it. Don't think too much about it. Don't say you'll never get good because you are bad, while you only think that. If you would be bad you wouldn't feel a drive to tell it to anyone. If you would be bad you would only growl to everyone and be mean to them. If you are able to hide that, you are good! Then you know you shouldn't be that way, and then you know it's right how you act.
and yes, your father wouldn't be happy if you would tell him that on the day his father died. But to be honest... I have had the same. My granddad died a year ago, but I forgot that so fast that it is like i didn't care. But I didn't say to myself that was bad. And i don't believe that's bad. It's nature, it's how people react to calm down themselves. If you say you're bad because of that, then you say I'm bad also.
What do you think? What are the thoughts that make you think you are sick...
No, a woman is not a product. And that's not how to treat her. And that's exactly what I thought for all my life. I'll never find someone and I'll never get someone. I'll never see him because he needs to be so much like me... And guess what?
From a very unexpected way I fell in love with my best friend who I knew from when I was born. I told him, and he doesn't love me the same way. But it made me stronger and showed me there always IS a one. Look around you, and when it's time you'll see her. I'm sure of that
But you think your soulmate will change you? You think your soulmate will take away the feeling you're bad? You said it yourself, it will be forever in me... but that's not true...
Like what? What do you think you'll do the sooner or later? You think about suicide? You think about murder someone? What is it wolfer, please tell me... I know you wouldn't do it.
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I've had answers like these in my hands for...getting close to two years, and everytime I confront them, it ends up forming to something different, and changes back to what it was again, because I know that's who I truly am. I can't just say to myself, 'I am human', because...if one can't even feel true love for one's family, or take ahold of one's self, then that person is soulless (no matter what they are).
Sometimes I don't bother to eat much, or drink, or talk, because why would I bother wasting things that could be used for the pure hearted? Sure, no one's '
Don't you think I am a monster if I couldn't even cry, or even FEEL sad about my grandfather dying? Idk what I was thinking at the time; I wasn't being a bastard of HOPING he would die, but neither being sympethetic. Isn't that cold-hearted? I can't even figure out if I truly loved my family. They've been with me all my life, and I've been a 'family' with them, but did I love them?
It's times like these I wish I would find my soul mate, and be at peace. But...I know that that's something I would have to wait for for a long time. I don't want to be like my friends, who go through relationships in months, years, and start over again. It's just pathetic of knowing their perspective in this so called 'love'. If love was truly within them when they found that 'one' person, how come they've fought, and eventually broke up? It isn't true. I know that love isn't a fairy tale that isn't completely innocent and compassionate...but why is it that even the greatest of love fight? Isn't that wrong??
Sorry that I'm ranting; going off-topic, idk. And ATM, I feel so tranced by the typing...everything else feels so...small, not important. I could be tired...idk.
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So you feel soulless... you've read one answer. Your question was what you were, what you felt, and you found out by considering what you had in your hands. But don't you think you judge yourself too fast. It's not that you feel soulless, it's more you think you are because your love doesn't open up as you thought it would be. That makes you who you are. It's not your fault, it's not even bad you don't feel that much. But if you search deeper. Search in the places you created, the texts you've written, you see the emotions. And if you were truly soulless, you wouldn't find any of those. Maybe it isn't really obvious in your mind, but when your heart is speaking in the ways you expres, by making music or writing, you'll be able to find what's within you.
And what's with the pure-hearted thing. The things you do SHOW you are pure-hearted and deserve things as much as others. Why would you pull yourself down while you deserve it so much. It's not like you have to make the sacrifise...
And about your grandfather... about your family... it's not that uncommon what you feel. Sometimes your emotions freeze too make you survive. What would you do if you were an animal whose mother just sacrifised herself for you so you can escape? You would run, freeze your emotions and follow your instincts. You wouldn't stay with the dead body of your mother if the danger lurks and is planning to kill you also. It's natural, it's a way to keep alive. It might be a way of you to flee from the pain inside it would bring. Although you don't see that directly.
But you already found what you think you need. A soulmate. I think that one and only person would be able to help you controll your body and to unlock your emotions and feelings. When you will feel pure love, your feelings will be restored. You are NOT a monster in any way. You can't help it, it's some kind of habit, created by nature.
And yes, I think it's wrong that people take 'loved ones' so fast. It can't be real, and those are the relations that will end in a crack, destroying more lifes than only the two lovers. Like the children they have together. But it can always go in a different way also. If you think you are loved ones, but when you find out he/she is really different then you thought, that it scares you what a different side the person has you thought you knew, if expectations will drift them away... you can't always see it coming. Most people really think they know the other is the one, but it happens later that something breaks... it can happen to anyone
It's ok, I like to talk about these things, and I hope it can help you a bit out...
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...Mmmm...I just said that xD
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Aww... 
But amazingly 5-7 layers 
btw, funny story you got there^^ You have to be careful for your brother
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yea, that's why I was not really happy to finish it
And hmm, I think I'll watch him closely these holidays
It's getting pretty weird now...
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he has more of those weird moments, but I can't really say what it is
I don't know, maybe I watch him too closely now
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no weird occassions the last few holidays
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I don't know what should have happened
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My bro only was lying at the pool, or asking if I would play with him
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hehe, what about your family? Any troubles with them?
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hm... no, nothing. Everything is normal, the life is just passing trough, extremely boring
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hmm, I can imagine that 
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Cant wait to a tornado rushes over the place...
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hmmm nah, I wouldn't like that either
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Just a random question...
What are you doing RIGHT now?!
except talking to me
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