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Dabbling in the Mind-Numbingly Archaic: A Chapter on Writing for the Stage

(Still by Helen Chapman, in case you forgot.)

Yes, this is a book on screenwriting and, no, a stage is not a screen. However, all modern day artists must learn from the past—this includes screenwriters. Surely Tarantino must have thoroughly studied Euripides; the evidence is in his work. Thanks to his careful research, instead of sitting through a boring afternoon of hearing about the Ancient Greeks being maimed and murdered, we get to actually see it all happen to our contemporaries!

I'm positive that you, an aspiring screenwriter, haven't wasted any time learning about this bizarre medium. That is why I've prepared a quick list of need-to-know playwrights so, if anyone asks, you can look like you know what you're talking about.

PLAYWRIGHTS YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KNOW A BIT ABOUT:

1. DAVID MAMET, despite being a playwright, is a complete genius. No other writer has been able to capture the raw realism he effortlessly imbues in all his dialogue. He fearlessly tackles the social issues of our day. In example, he isn't afraid to explore the grey area of sexual harassment. We all know that "no" can sometimes mean "yes," and Mamet is one of the few souls brave enough to hint at what we're all thinking.

2. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, though not as skilled as Mamet, is an incredibly prolific playwright. His plays are frequently produced because he's been dead for centuries and, therefore, doesn't ask a hefty royalty payment of any company wishing to stage his work. (At least, this is presently the case. The tables might turn once the Great Zombie Apocalypse is upon us…) Shakespeare wrote plays for the elite who wanted to get away with laughing at crass humor while still pretending to be lofty intellectuals. He only started writing plays because he was A) a homosexual, B) a failed poet, and C) preferred bear-baiting and drinking to being with his family.

3. ANTON CHEKOV mastered the art of writing incredibly lengthy works in which utterly nothing happens.

4. BERTOLT BRECHT mastered the art of writing incredibly lengthy works in which utterly too much happens. After the introduction of the 50th character, you begin to lose track of what's happening, especially considering everyone refers to each other as "Comrade".

5. SAMUEL BECKETT is often confused with Brecht because they both have similar last names and were both known Communists. He tended to choose character names by drawing random nouns and adjectives out of a hat. His favorite actress and frequent collaborator, Billie Whitelaw, had no legs. This is why all of his female characters are either buried up to their waist in sand or hiding in a garbage can / urn / other place where women are normally found.

6. GEORGE  S. KAUFMAN and MOSS HART should have been shot.

7. TOM STOPPARD is Shakespeare-Lite: all the elitism and pretentiousness associated with Shakespeare, but with comprehendible dialogue. (Most of the time.) Impress your theatre snob friends with this little-known fact: Stoppard was once simultaneously possessed by the ghosts of Shakespeare and Samuel Beckett; a séance was held and resulted in the creation of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. This was an especially notable feat because Beckett was still alive at the time…

8. TONY KUSHNER's work shouldn't be bothered with unless you're gay and Jewish.

9. CHRISTOPHER DURANG's work shouldn't be bothered with unless you're gay and Catholic.

10. APHRA BEHN pretended to be a man.

11. LILLIAN HELLMAN was a woman.

12. CARYL CHURCHILL is still a woman.

In addition to important playwrights, you should also know a bit about their work. I've taken the liberty of doing all the dirty work for you, and have read these decaying bits of literature. The following are synopses of notable shows.

1. DEATH OF A SALESMAN: A salesman dies.
2. WAITING FOR GODOT: Two men wait around for a man named Godot.
3. HOW I LEARNED TO DRIVE: A woman explains how she learned to drive.
4. TAMING OF THE SHREW: A shrewish woman is tamed.
5. ANGELS IN AMERICA: Angels come to America.
6. THE SPANISH TRAGEDY: Many tragic things occur in Spain.

…You're welcome.

Description
Dabbling in the Mind-Numbingly Archaic: A Chapter on Writing for the Stage

(Still by Helen Chapman, in case you forgot.)

Yes, this is a book on screenwriting and, no, a stage is not a screen. However, all modern day artists must learn from the past—this includes screenwriters. Surely Tarantino must have thoroughly studied Euripides; the evidence is in his work. Thanks to his careful research, instead of sitting through a boring afternoon of hearing about the Ancient Greeks being maimed and murdered, we get to actually see it all happen to our contemporaries!

I'm positive that you, an aspiring screenwriter, haven't wasted any time learning about this bizarre medium. That is why I've prepared a quick list of need-to-know playwrights so, if anyone asks, you can look like you know what you're talking about.

PLAYWRIGHTS YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KNOW A BIT ABOUT:

1. DAVID MAMET, despite being a playwright, is a complete genius. No other writer has been able to capture the raw realism he effortlessly imbues in all his dialogue. He fearlessly tackles the social issues of our day. In example, he isn't afraid to explore the grey area of sexual harassment. We all know that "no" can sometimes mean "yes," and Mamet is one of the few souls brave enough to hint at what we're all thinking.

2. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, though not as skilled as Mamet, is an incredibly prolific playwright. His plays are frequently produced because he's been dead for centuries and, therefore, doesn't ask a hefty royalty payment of any company wishing to stage his work. (At least, this is presently the case. The tables might turn once the Great Zombie Apocalypse is upon us…) Shakespeare wrote plays for the elite who wanted to get away with laughing at crass humor while still pretending to be lofty intellectuals. He only started writing plays because he was A) a homosexual, B) a failed poet, and C) preferred bear-baiting and drinking to being with his family.

3. ANTON CHEKOV mastered the art of writing incredibly lengthy works in which utterly nothing happens.

4. BERTOLT BRECHT mastered the art of writing incredibly lengthy works in which utterly too much happens. After the introduction of the 50th character, you begin to lose track of what's happening, especially considering everyone refers to each other as "Comrade".

5. SAMUEL BECKETT is often confused with Brecht because they both have similar last names and were both known Communists. He tended to choose character names by drawing random nouns and adjectives out of a hat. His favorite actress and frequent collaborator, Billie Whitelaw, had no legs. This is why all of his female characters are either buried up to their waist in sand or hiding in a garbage can / urn / other place where women are normally found.

6. GEORGE  S. KAUFMAN and MOSS HART should have been shot.

7. TOM STOPPARD is Shakespeare-Lite: all the elitism and pretentiousness associated with Shakespeare, but with comprehendible dialogue. (Most of the time.) Impress your theatre snob friends with this little-known fact: Stoppard was once simultaneously possessed by the ghosts of Shakespeare and Samuel Beckett; a séance was held and resulted in the creation of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. This was an especially notable feat because Beckett was still alive at the time…

8. TONY KUSHNER's work shouldn't be bothered with unless you're gay and Jewish.

9. CHRISTOPHER DURANG's work shouldn't be bothered with unless you're gay and Catholic.

10. APHRA BEHN pretended to be a man.

11. LILLIAN HELLMAN was a woman.

12. CARYL CHURCHILL is still a woman.

In addition to important playwrights, you should also know a bit about their work. I've taken the liberty of doing all the dirty work for you, and have read these decaying bits of literature. The following are synopses of notable shows.

1. DEATH OF A SALESMAN: A salesman dies.
2. WAITING FOR GODOT: Two men wait around for a man named Godot.
3. HOW I LEARNED TO DRIVE: A woman explains how she learned to drive.
4. TAMING OF THE SHREW: A shrewish woman is tamed.
5. ANGELS IN AMERICA: Angels come to America.
6. THE SPANISH TRAGEDY: Many tragic things occur in Spain.

…You're welcome.