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Lunix17 — Give...
Published: 2010-12-26 03:22:34 +0000 UTC; Views: 188; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description
I look at his empty handshis long fingers extended
palms facing up
Child like
His hands so small
they seem to want
to need something
something constantly in them
constantly wanting to explore
to tear apart
On his face i cannot focus
The wanting of empty hands
cloud my vision
I have no choice
but to hand it over to him
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Comments: 5
so i can't officially give critique, but i'm hoping that with this group everyone can add insightful and constructive comments in a safe environment. i think that in this poem, the repetition of infinitive verbs might be superfluous instead of having a strengthening effect. i also think the repetition of "something" and "constantly" do strengthen the poem. and from my own perspective, this is entirely subject to your creative license, i would take out "i have no choice" and have the last line simply, "i hand it over to him."
if you have any feedback for me, please comment!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
thanks, I did this poem a little while ago, I just hadn't uploaded it until recently, thanks for your input, I'll think about that when i go back through and update/edit my poems.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
pretty awesome!
What do you want to say with "my little brother"?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
that it was my little brother i was reffering to
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