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Published: 2012-04-24 20:54:59 +0000 UTC; Views: 446; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 0
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Nine, Nine-Thirty, Ten, Ten-Thirty. Slade looked at his watch, and scowled. The boy was late, nay, the boy wasn't going to show up. The elder gritted his teeth, and scowled. The little shit was doing it on purpose, and it didn't take him long to figure out why. For sometime how he discovered that Richard was seeing someone on the side. It seems he has a thing for crooks, or just a terrible taste in men, since Alex, other wise known as Red, is a kleptomaniac his sticky fingers steal anything from electronics to art pieces. Expensive Jewelry was something Alex enjoyed more than anything how ever.Getting up from his living room couch. He instructs his ever loyal butler, Wintergreen, when he arrives with Richard not to disturb them at any cost. He let Richard's little visits with Alex go on for this long but being stood up for the klepto was something else entirely. Something Slade didn't take lightly, and took very personally. With Wintergreen in agreement, Slade heads out to his garage knowing what he'll do to Richard.
At Richard's apartment, the two just rested in each others arms as they watch a movie. "I wish you can just stop seeing Slade." Red stated frowning lightly. The thought haunted him ever since he saw it on Richard's cheek. It bothered the piss out of him, but he didn't bring it up until now. Richard rolled his eyes, and sighed deeply. "Not this again. I can't explain our relationship to you. You wouldn't understand." He stated as he paused the movie. Red moved to sit up to look at the ravenette. "Why do you keep saying that. Of course I'd understand." He replied frowning slightly. Richard growled lightly and looked back at the paused screen. "It's something I can't explain." He stated stubbornly. He couldn't honestly explain why he was with him. Slade was a mad-man in every sense of the word, he was self-center with an ego the size of a Red Giant to match, and blunt to the point where it hurt. Yet Richard just couldn't resist the elder's velvet voice, and sharp gaze, despite all the bruises, cuts, and low blows he experienced over the time they've been together. Red got up off of Richard, and moved to get off the couch. "Then I guess you don't need me then." Red stated hurt. "Alex. Don't get like that, please." Richard stated. His voice held anger, not for Red, but for himself. The fact that it seemed he was either too hypnotized by Slade to leave him, or he didn't feel like he had the strength to. Red chuckled dryly, and shook his head. "Get like what?" He asked with a hint of venom in his voice. "Fine then just go." Richard stated flicking his hand, before crossing his arms over his chest, and moving his head so that it faced the balcony curtains. Red's eyes became sad, before he scowled, and snatched his jacket from the Lazy-boy recliner.
Placing on his jacket he swung the door open, only to have Slade standing in his way. Red had never met the megalomaniac before, but he knew that even if you have never seen Slade before when you saw him for the first time, you knew. You knew who he was. Red backed into the apartment as Slade came forward. "Richard. When were you going to introduce me to your little friend?" He asked clearly not hiding his annoyance. He didn't even look at Slade when he spoke. "Pissed I stood you up? Now you know how I feel after you left me waiting at five separate restaurants." He replied as he sat up.
That's when Slade made his move. In a few strides he grab Richard, and pinned him against the wall. "I've known about this for some time now. Now I'm putting an end to it." Richard choked out the best laugh it could while a hand was suppressing his breathing. "You don't scare me, Slade." Richard replied grinning. Slade let go of Richard, and smirked. The smirk was dark, and almost evil, it didn't sit well with Richard, but he dare not say anything. "Maybe I should correct that. Don't you think, Alex?" Alex who was frozen in place, looked at the two of them, but didn't say anything. 'I'm going to leave now, Richard.' He whispered before running out of the apartment. He was many things, and would fight if he had too, especially if it was to keep something he stole, but fighting against Slade. Not his thing, he would rather live than die.
Once the klepto was gone, Slade looked back at Richard. He could take him back to his place, or stay right here. "I was going to take you back to my place, but I decided to stay here." He stated as he move to close and lock the door. Richard remained stone faced, but his eyes shown confusion. "Confused? It will all become clear in a minute, my little bird." His velvet voice was dark, and it was a darkness Richard didn't enjoy all to well.
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Comments: 8
wynjas [2012-04-25 18:36:31 +0000 UTC]
OOOOOhhhh! The darkness thickens! Soon I'll need a pillow to hug if I'm going to continue reading!
Just some more spacing, please, like with the other chapter...
Please don't take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to nag at you, but I've recently learned a few things myself which I wish someone had explained to me YEARS ago, so I'm going to share it with you, kay? I can't explain it very well in English, so I'm going to use examples... instead of this:
At Richard's apartment, the two just rested in each others arms as they watch a movie. "I wish you can just stop seeing Slade." Red stated frowning lightly. The thought haunted him ever since he saw it on Richard's cheek. It bothered the piss out of him, but he didn't bring it up until now. Richard rolled his eyes, and sighed deeply. "Not this again. I can't explain our relationship to you. You wouldn't understand." He stated as he paused the movie. Red moved to sit up to look at the ravenette. "Why do you keep saying that. Of course I'd understand." He replied frowning slightly. Richard growled lightly and looked back at the paused screen. "It's something I can't explain." He stated stubbornly.
it should be more like this:
At Richard's apartment, the two just rested in each others arms as they watch a movie.
"I wish you can just stop seeing Slade," Red stated, frowning lightly. The thought haunted him ever since he saw it on Richard's cheek. It bothered the piss out of him, but he didn't bring it up until now.
Richard rolled his eyes, and sighed deeply. //note: I think you are supposed to let the spoken line continue here, as the first sentence describes what Robin does just before he speaks.. I usually use new rows here too, though, but that might be wrong. Haven't been able to look that up yet...//"Not this again. I can't explain our relationship to you. You wouldn't understand," he stated as he paused the movie. Red moved to sit up to look at the ravenette.
"Why do you keep saying that. Of course I'd understand," he replied frowning slightly.
Richard growled lightly and looked back at the paused screen.
"It's something I can't explain," he stated stubbornly.
---
Also note the changed dots for commas. When you write speech, the spoken words and the "said Robin" is a whole sentence, so it should look like this:
"My name is Robin," the teen said.
and not:
"My name is Robin." The teen said.
Exclamation-marks and question marks are allowed, though, so you can write:
"My name is Robin!" the teen shouted.
or:
"Is your name Slade?" the teen asked.
---
One last writing-tip: did you notice that the word "stated" was repeated several times in this short example? Try to avoid repeating words, unless it's for effect like:
"Really?"
"Really."
"Really, really?"
reading the text out loud is the BEST way to catch these things, and also for finding places for well-needed commas (although I am a comma-whore and tend to go over-the -top with those).
There... just a few tips I use myself while writing, and only because I REALLY like this story, so I thought it was worth the time... and speaking of time, take at least as long editing a story as you spend writing it... boring as hell with longer texts, but it's worth it... everything you can correct which will snatch the reader's attention away from the story is great, because if it's hard to read or contains too many repeats/errors people won't be able to enjoy the plot and many will give up... I'm sure I've lost a few myself that way, but I think I have improved a bit as the years have gone by... if not, I'm just going to slam my head into the closest wall and forget all about the English language altogether, I think... Sticking to Swedish instead...
Gah, hope I didn't sound like a total besserwisser now, I really just want to share my own experiences!
All the best!
/W
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MamaCockroach In reply to wynjas [2012-04-25 23:09:37 +0000 UTC]
Lol thanks for taking the time to correct a few mistakes. And you don't sound terrible, I'll most likely go back and re-write this when I finish it XD
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MamaCockroach In reply to darafeth [2012-04-24 22:00:02 +0000 UTC]
Aw thank you~ I'm happy you like it~
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darafeth In reply to MamaCockroach [2012-04-24 22:30:19 +0000 UTC]
It's a great. I like it a lot.
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MamaCockroach In reply to darafeth [2012-04-24 22:33:47 +0000 UTC]
Lol thanks. I was going to make this an Original Story, but then I figured. I haven't written a Sladin fanfiction, so I decided to make it a fanfic instead~
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darafeth In reply to MamaCockroach [2012-04-27 01:23:23 +0000 UTC]
It would work very well as an original story.
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MamaCockroach In reply to darafeth [2012-04-30 13:43:26 +0000 UTC]
It was meant to be an original story, but I decided at the last minute to make it a fanfiction.
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