HOME | DD
masterdevil — Plea
Published: 2005-12-04 10:24:54 +0000 UTC; Views: 85; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
Redirect to original
Description
My wounds they screamyet not a sound from my mouth
no tears in my eyes
though my heart cries out loud
peoples' stare, scenes that scare
pitiful eyes, promises? All lies!
The silent sound of disaster,
deafening my ears
I've had a taste of death,
in my tender years
Dont need your sympathy,
take away your charity.
What i'm longing for,
seems far from reality
Can you bring me back my childhood years
With no signs of misery, no trace of fears?
I'm begging for a smile on my little face
Please save my soul from a world of disgrace!
Comments: 19
i agree with dez...
the idea is good...and i can see you have worked on your thought process as well...
still so, this one lacks a certain conviction. you move into a sort of rap song binge midway that spoils it.
i like the drama of it all, but clearly still needs work.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hmmmm...ya ill try working on it!!
thanks!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
idea and conceptulization...excellent
execution...weak
this is what i think...the poem tends to follow the pattern of a simple rhyme structure A B A B. what happens...you tend to lose rhyme in the midst of certain sentences because they aren't constructed properly or rather not constructed to suit the need of the poem. solution:reconstruction. reconstruct such sentences carefully...if you change the whole sentence the poem may lose its feel...subtle.
i don't mean to be picky or anything...but the sentence...don't need your sympathy and the one that succeeds it seem like they're out of a simple plan song(and i hate simple plan)
i like the last 2 sentences though...they exude a powerful punch...the second last...i'm "begging"...should be changed...
its the same feel one gets after they read survivors...
"men who go out to battle, grim and glad
children with eyes that hate you,broken and mad."
i do realise i have gone on a bit...but anyhow...good effort!
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
those 2 lines sound like simple plan?.....man i didnt realise that!!...
hmmm ill try n make the required changes....
thanks!!
cheers!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
your idea is wonderful, but execution is not. i am scared i am going to end up sounding like dezy...
therefore, won't give you any details...
just that, it is the way i feel...
take care!
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
you make me sound like a very wicked person
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
i do???????????????????????????????????????????????
did not intend on doing that!!!!!!!!!
sorry!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
yup i thought i went wrong here and there. I would love to know the details...even if it sounds like Dezy.i love his criticism! i wouldnt mind another on the list!
thanks again!
take care!
cheers!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
well,
frankly,
"pitiful eyes, promises? All lies!"
lines such as these, don't work for me. i don't think they sound very complete...or give the reader an understanding of what you are trying to say...
love the last line.
try and work it out like that...
hope i did not probe too much..
take care...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
like u said..'we're all here to learn'...so the more the probing the better!
with that line"pitiful....lies"...i was just trying to create an impact thats why i kept those sentences incomplete
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
okay!
it is just that the meaning was not very clear to me!
sorry!
do take care!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
okkkkaayyy.....i was expecting some letters n words....
its okay....try reading it about a 100 times...then maybe ul understand something...(j.k)!!!
please i really need the criticism in order to improve my work!
thnx
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
okay...is it that bad?or did i really get it right this time?......please...dont keep the suspense!!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hmmmm....looks like someone wants 2 make me angry again!!....well surprisingly it aint working! plus i aint in the mood for thinking.......zzzzzzzzz!!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0