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mega88zero — drift
Published: 2004-07-03 16:02:42 +0000 UTC; Views: 38; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 7
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Description
Slowly and slowly we drift apartAnd I can feel it, my heart breaks
You do nothing but look at me
Why o why can’t it be?
I walk alongside you, or behind
In hopes one day you shall find
How much I feel in love
No one knows…only above
my heart is gentle and kind
if only you pay me some mind
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Comments: 6
Thought provoking? I'd say extremely cheesy and clichéd. Just because you're writing about love doesn't mean you have to sound like a Hallmark postcard. The poem lacks any imagery besides hearts breaking and you just can't get more clichéd than that. Since the title is Drift, perhaps you could insert some images related to that theme. Originality is the key.
You should also remember that poems don't have to rhyme. Rhyme is good if it works, but it doesn't work here, the ending sounds awful because of it. If you insist on rhyming, there's a helpful thread on the Writer's Forum about that.
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no one asked ya ^_^ i write and i feel like it so there!
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"No one asked ya" - yes, you did ask for my comments by posting this piece on public. If you're too stubborn to accept and appreciate constructive criticism you definitely shouldn't post your writings on the Internet. Criticism is one of the best ways to develop as a writer and if you shrug it off, you shrug off your chances to grow.
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short.. sweet and thought provoking... i can so relate to this
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