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Published: 2007-12-11 01:45:39 +0000 UTC; Views: 6857; Favourites: 74; Downloads: 103
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I am no poet. I can only write about what I see and hear. Marae tries to teach me so that words come easy when I write in my book. At the end of the day is when I write, long after night falls. I don’t know what day it is.Marae is asleep now. I should sleep, but I can not. I can hear them, outside the walls. I can hear the laughing. It does not sound like laughing, but that is what it is. It sounds like dogs. Like hell. Animals outside our walls, walking like men. I can not say what it sounds like. Marae maybe could, but I have no words. They are not men. God would not make men such as this.
We are dead. I must say it to myself. I will not say it to those here with me. Women, children. Old ones. The ones who are sick, or have no arms or legs. The ones who can not fight. Now, we are all that is left to fight the ones outside. But they depend on me. I send them to make spears and load cannons. I send them to fix walls and bar gates. I try to keep them doing. Always doing. But what will I do tomorrow? Tomorrow they will come again.
We are hungry. The food is gone days ago. I am sorry for my writing. James would have written better. James is gone now, as I write before. With the other soldiers. He died. The ones outside killed him. I wish I could talk to James again. I wish to hold him. I will be with James soon.
Marae told me to write how long we have been here. We have been here a fortnight and three days. We hold the city for now. I know not if we are the last to hold. If other cities fell. We get no word.
I will lead them again tomorrow. We will fight the ones outside again tomorrow. James can you see us? Your son is here. You would be so proud of him. He can not lift a spear but he runs messages and carries water. He brings bandages and food. He does not eat. I wish he would eat.
Marae has not had her baby yet. We hear of what could happen if
James, she asked me to. If the gates are broken and the ones outside come in. She asked me to
The sunset was so beautiful today James. I remember the poem you wrote me about the sunset that you gave me for our wedding. You were sad you could not afford a troth ring. I keep the poem with me. I have kept it since you went away. I keep you with me.
Are you with God, James? Is God with us?
I can still hear them, outside. I wish I could not hear them. I wish I would never hear them again.
I love you James.
I am coming.
These are the final writings of Saint Inanka Milokova, inscribed by her own hand on the eve of the fall of the Holy City of Beldevera. The Mother keep her, now and always.
~ Third Encyclical, Book of Beldevera
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The captain told the story during the march north. They'd found the priest in a barn not far from town. Naked, on his back, splayed across an altar made with a stack of stones. His hands and feet were tied to stakes driven into the dirt floor. Outside, they drove away the crows that had found his head at the bottom of a creek bed. They never found out what happened to his heart and tongue.
The Inquisitors immediately suspected Kolsh. It is the only town for leagues in the bleak scrubland surrounding the abandoned barn, so far out of the way that most merchants avoided it. A sullen little settlement, the low, dugout hovels of Kolsh clustered around the three walls that remained of the old keep from which the village drew its name, a place that already inspired tales of ghosts and madness long before the first squatters arrived. There was a siege, long ago, during the War. The stories say the defenders ate each other.
His name was Father Gerard, the priest in the barn. Fresh from seminary, Prelate Mikhailo had sent him to Kolsh only two seasons before, certain that his protégé could heal the place’s spiritual ills and bring her wayward folk back into the arms of the Church. The way the captain heard it, His Grace had spent a solid hour throwing up upon hearing the news, before sending his ring to the Imperceptor and retiring to his Agravinian vineyard.
The rumor is that Kolsh is overrun, that a Brood festers amongst the low houses and ruined walls. There are monsters here; half-human descendents of the dark things that dwell where the wicked go when they die.
They ask the captain about the Brood, later, once they are camped atop a low hill overlooking the lightless town in the shadow of the old keep. He doesn’t get to answer the question.
“We don’t field the Sixth Cohort because the Church needs firewood, boy.” The voice is shrill, never failing to remind those who hear it of a calf being branded. The man behind the voice is resplendent in the red hood and golden cord marking him as an Inquisitor of Ordo Rimor. In a brass tube somewhere beneath his black robes, the inquisitor carries a writ, sealed with the Imperceptor’s own ring, which allows him command of one cohort, four hundred souls bearing the shield of Ordo Exsequor, the sword arm of the Inquisition.
An emissary is sent into Kolsh to deliver terms. His horse comes galloping back to camp after dark, dragging a torso wearing the Exsequor surcoat. He is alive, his four stumps had been cauterized by flame or hot irons. They pull a bloody gag from his mouth. His tongue is gone, and he babbles and moans with madness until the captain finally ends his pain in a swift stroke.
The rest of the emissary rains down over camp shortly thereafter. A trebuchet left in the old keep still works.
The orders come down from the red hoods, they would attack before sunrise. When the morning drum sounds, half the men awaken to find the other half lying still in their tents, throats slit from ear to ear. The bodies are burned throughout the day. The soldiers try to ignore the sounds borne to them now and again from the town when the wind shifts. It sounds like laughter.
At some point during that night, all the water turns to urine. Fifty men are gone when the sun rises, even though the price of desertion is condemnation of one’s mortal soul. The red hoods gather and whisper to each other, then they speak loudly, then they bicker. An acolyte trades gossip to an Exsequor sergeant for a sack of tobacco. There is sorcery, here, and even the inquisitors are caught off-guard by its power.
Another day and another night passes. The red hoods argue. An attack is finally planned for dawn, and twenty more have fled when the dwindling cohort awakens. Just over a hundred are left, and they charge the weakest point of the town, the makeshift wall of timber and stone blocks that stands where the old keep’s north wall once did. They are met with arrows, and are driven back. That night, half of the remaining men are hot with fever. The arrows had been covered in the blood of plague-dead.
The red hoods order that the sick men be put to death and burned. The order is refused. Mutiny is in the air, but the inquisitor bearing the Imperceptor’s seal will not hear of retreat. The red hoods huddle in the leader’s tent, fearing to walk amongst the men unescorted. A decision is made, and another emissary is sent, but not to Kolsh.
It is five days since the emissary left, and the camp looks more like a colony of lepers than an army. Only a fraction of the men remain, either too weak from hunger or thirst to flee, or dying from disease.
The galloping hooves of their horses announce them long before they wash over the crest of the hill like a thunderstorm. Black-armored and faces hidden by ghostly white masks, they descend upon the battered Exsequor camp like angels of vengeance. They rein in as one before the red hoods’ tent, all fifty moving with a fluid unity. The Black Nuns, many call them. Women trained nearly from birth in the ways of war, dedicated to the memory of a martyr. Ready to die at any time for the Church, their swords awash in enemy blood. They are the last resort. It is a time for last resorts.
It is a night of blood and fire. When the sun rises the next day, only a single Nun emerges from the remains of Kolsh, now silent and burning behind her. She limps, and is bleeding from dozens of wounds. It is some time before the red hoods see her clearly enough to notice that she carries something in her arms. A person. A girl, and pregnant.
The lead inquisitor protests in his branded-calf voice; all those from Kolsh are anathema, it has been declared by the Imperceptor himself! He taps the brass tube impatiently. The woman must die, and her unborn child with her, he cries.
The lone surviving nun is silent, heedless of the inquisitor’s orders. She does not look back as she mounts the nearest horse. With shrill protests echoing behind her, the nun gallops away, cradling the pregnant girl tight against her chest, upon the inquisitor’s own black stallion.
Related content
Comments: 122
Memnalar In reply to ??? [2018-08-14 22:14:02 +0000 UTC]
Very much a choice, yes.
Thanks for giving this shipwreck a read. It's picturesque, isn't it? All bent and barnacled against the rocks? Gulls fighting over scraps?
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BATTLEFAIRIES In reply to Memnalar [2018-08-15 07:01:21 +0000 UTC]
Pah, you're downplaying yourself too much. So far I've read worse in print, so how grotesque can this possibly turn out to be?
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Lucy-Merriman [2011-04-05 00:30:21 +0000 UTC]
Wow, this is really cool. I wish I didn't get so distracted when I read things online. I think I'm going to download these for Kindle
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Memnalar In reply to Lucy-Merriman [2011-04-14 19:53:28 +0000 UTC]
Thank you. I can't make fun of your distractions; it took me over a week just to respond to this comment.
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TarienCole [2010-12-20 21:01:25 +0000 UTC]
I'm not a fan of prologues generally. But this works. It tells us an important part of the story, and it tells it when it should be told, as opposed to just being a "setting piece."
I love the sense of despair in the journal. It sets a mood of desperation that makes me want to read, as if that might aid in the quest to come.
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Memnalar In reply to TarienCole [2011-04-05 00:33:12 +0000 UTC]
Wow, I never responded to this.
Thank you. Very much. I appreciate that you read it.
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davidanaandrake [2010-08-06 23:56:24 +0000 UTC]
Congrats on the DD two years ago, btw. :3
I really liked this. It wasn't difficult to read and it flowed well.. and I got a lot of emotional reactions to certain sections.. bravo!
I only really had two moments where I thought things could be a little different: there's a bit in the first section where the character writing it stops.. it took me two read overs of that section to understand that they didn't want to speak of it and deliberately stopped writing. Perhaps some "..."'s on the end of those two incomplete lines would stop the confusion? The only other bit was some time just before the nun came back out with the pregnant girl, the "show not tell" rule passed through my brain. It think that bit above it came off as someone telling the story of someone telling the story of real events. It didn't stop me reading or anything I'm definitely making my way through your story - so it's not bad - but if the roles were reversed I'd want to know so I could make it even better.
Anyway.. I am far too wordy for my own good. This was really well written and I enjoyed it!
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Memnalar In reply to davidanaandrake [2010-08-20 04:05:21 +0000 UTC]
Ah, I understand what you mean. The stops are very much intentional, but could be clearer.
Thank you VERY much for reading it, and leaving such a wonderful thought!
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davidanaandrake In reply to Memnalar [2010-08-23 19:51:31 +0000 UTC]
<3 No problem. Hope to keep reading more once I get back home from the city.
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Tobaeus [2010-03-21 15:07:03 +0000 UTC]
It occurred to me that I haven't read this story from the beginning. I like the prologue. One question, though. "the price of desertion is condemnation of one’s mortal soul." Is that right? Or did you mean immortal?
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Valros [2010-03-05 08:43:34 +0000 UTC]
I probably could have guessed from the DD and the high rank on the "All-Time Popular Literature," but this... woah. I'm almost sad that this isn't in printed form and that I don't have to pay for it. I have a feeling that I'll read the whole thing, and quite quickly.
The setting really reminds me of Warhammer (probably the Slavic-ish names and the grit) or A Song of Ice and Fire... the latter makes sense given your profile.
Suffice to say, I have become a fan.
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Memnalar In reply to Valros [2010-03-05 18:29:19 +0000 UTC]
That's a wonderful compliment, thank you!
Several folks have made the Warhammer comparison throughout the story; I'm not very familiar with the game, although I know a lot more about it now than when I started writing this. Now, ASoIaF on the other hand...I'm honored by the comparison.
I hope you enjoy what you read. Please don't hesitate to give me your thoughts, be they compliments or critiques. Thanks again!
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CastleDean [2010-02-25 16:23:15 +0000 UTC]
You've given me, and so many others, such sincere attention that I wanted to do the same and read the Two Paths book.
It may take me some time.
Clearly a deeply developed world. Klosk Keep really rolls off the tongue
First person is a little hard to follow. A few times I found myself catching up to what happened. However, that's likely due to my inexperience reading.
The despair and hopelessness is expertly portrayed. I nearly feel sick with sympathetic pains for the men and women of this battle. Also, f*ck the Red Hoods.
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Memnalar In reply to CastleDean [2010-02-25 16:34:07 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for that, for real. I think this is the only episode in which I use first person, but if there are any more parts that go down hard, feel free to let me have it. I love honesty.
This is the story I came to dA to write. No matter how much of it you read, I greatly appreciate your opinion and insight.
Safe travel!
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Memnalar In reply to Amat3urNov3lWrit3r [2010-02-10 04:34:52 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much! I appreciate the fave, too.
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Memnalar In reply to Ghilemear [2010-01-16 18:11:28 +0000 UTC]
Thanks, man. I appreciate that.
It's one hell of a long ride, now.
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Ghilemear In reply to Memnalar [2010-01-16 18:54:04 +0000 UTC]
I was noticing that. I'm gonna read it ALL.
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JokersOnlyFear [2009-11-15 02:11:11 +0000 UTC]
So the saint is the pregnant girl that the nun rescues at the end, then? The Black Nuns sound awesome. I'm always up for female warrior organizations.
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Memnalar In reply to JokersOnlyFear [2009-11-15 02:20:29 +0000 UTC]
Actually no, but I understand your confusion. The two parts of this episode happen at different times. The first part is the battle at which Inanka martyred herself, the act which inspired the creation of the Black Nuns' order. The second part happens many years afterward.
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JokersOnlyFear In reply to Memnalar [2009-11-15 02:25:24 +0000 UTC]
Ah, okay, thanks for clearing that up.
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PandaCat-Productions [2009-08-25 19:14:54 +0000 UTC]
This is truly wonderful I would definitely buy this novel when you finish it and are (inevitably) published. Many Bravos to you sir
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Memnalar In reply to PandaCat-Productions [2009-09-23 13:09:43 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much for this comment, and for reading my stuff. Sorry I'm so bloody late in saying so.
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PandaCat-Productions In reply to Memnalar [2009-09-23 14:04:53 +0000 UTC]
Haha No worries. You're very welcome!
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aeromachia [2009-07-31 13:18:57 +0000 UTC]
Well, I thought it was about time I got to reading this and I can see I'm going to enjoy it. You've got a perfect balance of action and world-building exposition here, by which I mean plenty of the former and only enough of the latter to tantalise the reader and make things clear. Hopefully I'll have time to do some critiquing soon as well
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Memnalar In reply to aeromachia [2009-07-31 15:54:32 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much for reading and leaving your thoughts!
Right now, I'm approaching it as the rough draft of a novel in progress. In that light, any critiques you feel like giving me would be very helpful.
No matter what, I hope you enjoy what you read.
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Kazuhiro-Sama [2009-07-26 02:05:18 +0000 UTC]
I'm late. I know. I have a problem with punctual...nes?
It is very interesting, though, and I intend to read more in the future.
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Memnalar In reply to Kazuhiro-Sama [2009-07-26 13:55:19 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! I hope you enjoy the rest.
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Kazuhiro-Sama In reply to Memnalar [2009-07-27 04:40:54 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome! And thank you!
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ravador [2009-06-14 14:11:09 +0000 UTC]
Brilliant!!! I have nothing negative to say about this!
I love the first paragraph of the story just captures me.
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ArchArad [2009-06-13 10:18:47 +0000 UTC]
First some general observations: This is a great Prologue and accomplishes everything it should with grace and style. It introduces us to the world, drops a few hints about what may later be important and then leaves us starved and begging for more. Bravo!
I've read through it twice now and have a couple of things I'd like to point out:
Your decision to make the opening an exerpt from a diary was inspired. It suits the religious context/history of the story and, as you pointed out in an earlier comment, gives some background to the Inankine nuns. It has a definite sense of malice and creepiness when describing the enemy. It also gives a very human voice to the coming tragedy and involves the reader in the story very quickly. We become emotionally invested and can feel the desperation and hopelessness of her situation.
James is gone now, as I write before
I know that someone else has commented on this and I understand your reasoning that she is not a learned person, but I would still change write to wrote. It trips me up every time I read it.
The voice is shrill, never failing to remind those who hear it of a calf being branded.
This is a lovely piece of descriptive writing.
There is an inconsistancy in how you write
I adore the whole description of the Inkanine Sisters thundering into camp. Great work!
A well-written and highly effective prologue!
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vito-toni-costello [2009-06-05 19:55:22 +0000 UTC]
Now you really have me hooked.
One thing, in the first section, you kind of tail off... here...
"We hear of what could happen if
James"
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Memnalar In reply to vito-toni-costello [2009-06-06 14:21:17 +0000 UTC]
Glad to hear it! I hope the story keeps you engaged.
That abrupt ending to the sentence was intentional. Inanka can't bring herself to write about the consequences that might befall them, particularly the pregnant Marae and her unborn child, should the monsters outside manage to breach the walls.
At least, that's what I was trying to convey. I'll probably need to be a little more graceful about that in the next draft, if my intentions aren't coming across to the reader.
I appreciate your observations!
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vito-toni-costello In reply to Memnalar [2009-06-06 16:22:51 +0000 UTC]
It's just that a ... is more widely used.
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y-limey [2009-06-04 00:46:36 +0000 UTC]
HOlY....wow.
LunaticStar pointed me in this direction with her artwork.
I'm glad she recommended you in her comments! I was absoulutely...I couldn't look away from the computer screen! STOP RUINING MY EYES!
Anyways, you said the story written by Inanka happened before everything else? AND...it'll be important later, right? Well I'm probably going to find out before you have a chance to reply.
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Memnalar In reply to y-limey [2009-06-08 13:39:40 +0000 UTC]
Whew, I'm finally getting to you comments!
Yes, the Inanka story happened long before the events in TP; it's supposed to provide context for why the Sisterhood of Inanka exists.
I hope you're eyes aren't too ruined by now.
Thank you VERY much for reading! I'll be saying that a lot.
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liquid-etherealism [2009-05-18 06:15:27 +0000 UTC]
The way the captain heard it, His Grace had spent a solid hour throwing up upon hearing the news, before sending his ring to the Imperceptor and retiring to his Agravinian vineyard.
The word choice here seems out of place ... colloquial (I think that's the word). Perhaps just saying 'vomited' would do, but that's my opinion.
This is the second time I'm reading this prologue . So far I'm on Part 3 of this story. For some reason, the air of this reminds me of the Constantine movie. Don't really know why ...
Anyways, great descriptions and storytelling! (It is 2am, so my mind is kind of limited at the moment ). Looking forward to reading more
.
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Memnalar In reply to liquid-etherealism [2009-05-19 14:42:42 +0000 UTC]
Yes, I see your point on the word choice. Thanks so much for reading, and for your kind comments. I'm glad you find the story worth reading at all, let alone re-reading.
I hope you continue to enjoy!
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liquid-etherealism In reply to Memnalar [2009-05-21 18:13:20 +0000 UTC]
No problem! Keep up the great work!
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LunaticStar [2009-05-02 05:30:28 +0000 UTC]
Too sleepy to really comment properly, but this was quite interesting, the gritty details of a world that seems to have survived, in some form, the apocalypse...good stuff. I will read on later!
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Memnalar In reply to LunaticStar [2009-05-03 00:41:53 +0000 UTC]
Yep, that's a pretty good summary right there.
Thanks! I'd love to hear your thoughts.
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LunaticStar In reply to Memnalar [2009-05-03 00:53:32 +0000 UTC]
More advanced thoughts forthcoming. I fail at critical thinking when I'm on the tired side.
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Memnalar In reply to LunaticStar [2009-05-03 04:57:44 +0000 UTC]
Oh, I'm right there with you.
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