HOME | DD
Moonbeams — Shadows
Published: 2006-01-29 16:20:50 +0000 UTC; Views: 496; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 10
Redirect to original
Description
Their lullaby is the guttered waterfalling into sewer drains;
drip
drip
drip.
Their fragmented dreams are
of tumbling leaves and taillights,
disappearing into the nighttime hues.
They wake to the stampede of suits and briefcases,
Shivering.
Their blankets have blown away.
Drifting in the wind with yesterday’s news.
Related content
Comments: 8
I immensely enjoyed your style; it reminds me a little bit of E. E. Cummings, but your voice has it's own sound. I'm a sucker for sound and I quite enjoyed the various internal rhyming throughout the piece. It's a shame how most poets always stick to end rhymes around this place. But I've seen some great poets here since I joining, and now I've come across you
As for critique, I don't feel qualified enough to say anything about this piece. It's quite perfect to my eyes.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you so much! This one seemed to be a stroke of luck on my part, as I am still learning. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I really like this. Maybe it's the picture, but I get this sense of starting out with a natural setting and then it turning into a street. At times it seems almost a little surreal, but I also get this very real image of someone having to live in the gutter. There's a strong sense of melancholy by the end.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Their lulling is of the guttered water
Lulling sounds strange here. This line phonectically sounds off. I suggest someting along the lines of lullabye instead. and is of the This sounds wierd just speaking it. You coud cut out of the Without even changing the meaning. It feel cluttered up there
That's my only real gripe, here. Otherwise I enjoyed it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you for this. It does sound much better the way you put it and I'm off to change it. Thanks again for reading.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
very welcome, sweets.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
wow this is beautiful 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Beautiful stuff!! It's so visual and in-your-face that you just HAVE to read all of it!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0