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Cecile McMillan died years ago, or at least that's what it feels like sometimes. I don't think I can ever forgive Dorian for what those dreams did to my brother. Making me of all people torture him. My death was bad enough. Why did he have to endure it? Why can't my turning be the worst thing he had to deal with? Joss can't stand mom and dad anymore. I can't either, to tell the truth. That's why I went away with Patty, because she's like how mom used to be. But, what Joss doesn't realize is that he is just as broken.

When he was being trained as a Slayer, they broke his spirit. But those dreams using my image broke him mind and soul. I can see it in his eyes. I counted the days I was away from him and I did the math in my head. He would have been starting tenth grade the year he saw the new me. I don't even hate that he tried to kill me at first. I wasn't upset that he was too scared to save me. I hate that he looked at me like I was a ghost. I hate that I was wearing the same kind of lace dresses that I had worn in my past life. I hate that I have the same blonde curls and the same cute voice and the same watery eyes.

I ended up taking an interest in vampire movies, the same as Vlad, Henry told me. Interview with the Vampire got quite a few concepts wrong, but the character of Claudia...I'm really starting to get scared that that will be me in roughly twenty years. Except Dorian is dead, so I couldn't take my vengeance if I tried.

Yes, I still have the body of a child, but doesn't anyone realize that time still passes for me? That I was not blissfully immune to everything that happened around me? Joss finally graduated high school, so I've been able to see him every day. He told his friends he was going to college, but I still can't be myself around him. I'm actually only a few years younger than him, after all. By all accounts, I should be a teenager. But when I look at that hollow expression Joss has every time I appear, I only see the shell of our parents.

It turns out that the best quick fix for this was to act like my old self, the Cecile that Joss once knew. "Would you like to ride on my back, Cecile?"

"Yay! Carry me, Jossie! Faster! Faster!"

Every day it has been the same now. "I fixed your Barbies again," he would say. "And don't think I'll do it again just because you ask me!"

"Hmph! Meanie, Jossie!"

We even played tic-tac-toe again. "You cheated, Jossie!"

"What do you mean, Cecile? People never cheat to lose."

"You let me win! I want to win by myself!"

Forget my death. Forget my funeral. Forget my new thirst for blood.

Whenever I act like a child again, Joss gets just a little bit better. There were a few times when I almost forgot that my kind existed. It was almost just us again. I would like to say that we were making up for lost time, but it's more like our old times are on repeat.

I don't want to be sad. I don't want to think about myself when I know that I'm doing this for Joss. He needs a little sister. He needs me to be cute and innocent again. Me and Patty and Joss can be a new family. I don't need to grow up. Not if it means hurting Joss. He isn't ready for me to grow up. Even if I never get bigger, I need to stay the same on the inside too. I'm not a monster. I feed out of blood bags, so it doesn't count. So, I can stay the same. I can do it for him.

But then Joss walked toward me one night and something was different. He was sad, but not broken anymore. Like he was about to cry, but he wasn't empty. "You don't need to keep doing this," he said.

Tears almost poured out of me, right on the spot, but I wouldn't let them. "What do you mean?"

"You're a teenager, Cecile. Start acting like one!" By his tone he was trying to scold me, but, when he lifted his head, he was smiling, as if joking. "You helped me out a lot. I needed my little sister back. But it's over now."

I ran close to him and held his hands in mine, my hand barely able to curl around one of his fingers. "Jossie -"

"I love you, Cecile. You're my sister and that'll never change. But you don't need to do this for me, ok? I enjoyed it, I needed it, but I'm better now. I need you to get better too. I want my sis to grow up the best she can, ok? Can you do that for me?"

I wanted to say 'no'. I could never grow up, even if I wanted to. I was in a twisted Neverland where Vampires and darkness and blood flowing down my throat reigned in place of Mermaids and Pirates and endless flight into the night sky. Two stars replaced by two fangs. But, when he held onto me, I could only hang on and reassure him that I was happy.

Description
Cecile McMillan died years ago, or at least that's what it feels like sometimes. I don't think I can ever forgive Dorian for what those dreams did to my brother. Making me of all people torture him. My death was bad enough. Why did he have to endure it? Why can't my turning be the worst thing he had to deal with? Joss can't stand mom and dad anymore. I can't either, to tell the truth. That's why I went away with Patty, because she's like how mom used to be. But, what Joss doesn't realize is that he is just as broken.

When he was being trained as a Slayer, they broke his spirit. But those dreams using my image broke him mind and soul. I can see it in his eyes. I counted the days I was away from him and I did the math in my head. He would have been starting tenth grade the year he saw the new me. I don't even hate that he tried to kill me at first. I wasn't upset that he was too scared to save me. I hate that he looked at me like I was a ghost. I hate that I was wearing the same kind of lace dresses that I had worn in my past life. I hate that I have the same blonde curls and the same cute voice and the same watery eyes.

I ended up taking an interest in vampire movies, the same as Vlad, Henry told me. Interview with the Vampire got quite a few concepts wrong, but the character of Claudia...I'm really starting to get scared that that will be me in roughly twenty years. Except Dorian is dead, so I couldn't take my vengeance if I tried.

Yes, I still have the body of a child, but doesn't anyone realize that time still passes for me? That I was not blissfully immune to everything that happened around me? Joss finally graduated high school, so I've been able to see him every day. He told his friends he was going to college, but I still can't be myself around him. I'm actually only a few years younger than him, after all. By all accounts, I should be a teenager. But when I look at that hollow expression Joss has every time I appear, I only see the shell of our parents.

It turns out that the best quick fix for this was to act like my old self, the Cecile that Joss once knew. "Would you like to ride on my back, Cecile?"

"Yay! Carry me, Jossie! Faster! Faster!"

Every day it has been the same now. "I fixed your Barbies again," he would say. "And don't think I'll do it again just because you ask me!"

"Hmph! Meanie, Jossie!"

We even played tic-tac-toe again. "You cheated, Jossie!"

"What do you mean, Cecile? People never cheat to lose."

"You let me win! I want to win by myself!"

Forget my death. Forget my funeral. Forget my new thirst for blood.

Whenever I act like a child again, Joss gets just a little bit better. There were a few times when I almost forgot that my kind existed. It was almost just us again. I would like to say that we were making up for lost time, but it's more like our old times are on repeat.

I don't want to be sad. I don't want to think about myself when I know that I'm doing this for Joss. He needs a little sister. He needs me to be cute and innocent again. Me and Patty and Joss can be a new family. I don't need to grow up. Not if it means hurting Joss. He isn't ready for me to grow up. Even if I never get bigger, I need to stay the same on the inside too. I'm not a monster. I feed out of blood bags, so it doesn't count. So, I can stay the same. I can do it for him.

But then Joss walked toward me one night and something was different. He was sad, but not broken anymore. Like he was about to cry, but he wasn't empty. "You don't need to keep doing this," he said.

Tears almost poured out of me, right on the spot, but I wouldn't let them. "What do you mean?"

"You're a teenager, Cecile. Start acting like one!" By his tone he was trying to scold me, but, when he lifted his head, he was smiling, as if joking. "You helped me out a lot. I needed my little sister back. But it's over now."

I ran close to him and held his hands in mine, my hand barely able to curl around one of his fingers. "Jossie -"

"I love you, Cecile. You're my sister and that'll never change. But you don't need to do this for me, ok? I enjoyed it, I needed it, but I'm better now. I need you to get better too. I want my sis to grow up the best she can, ok? Can you do that for me?"

I wanted to say 'no'. I could never grow up, even if I wanted to. I was in a twisted Neverland where Vampires and darkness and blood flowing down my throat reigned in place of Mermaids and Pirates and endless flight into the night sky. Two stars replaced by two fangs. But, when he held onto me, I could only hang on and reassure him that I was happy.