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Cappy’s Random Rant
====================
You like my rants? OH, I'LL GIVE YOU A RANT.

Since one of the Zelda pictures had me gushing about ‘The Orphanage’ in a random review, I think it’s only fair to follow-up with an anti-good movie review!!

The year, was 1999. It was a time of turmoil and uncertainty; would all the computers divide by zero and implode on themselves? If that were to happen, people couldn’t watch American Idol, and so everyone assumed that would be the end of the world. Seeing as it’s 200-effing-8, we can deduce the crisis was averted. And American Idol is still on…ARE YOU PEOPLE HAPPY?! But there was a movie that dared—DARED—to ask the question: what if 1999 was gonna be the end of days, and the only man to stop the apocalypse was the governor of California?

About a month ago, I saw ‘End Of Days’ in the Circuit City bargain bin of shame and washed-up careers. The only thing I remember about it was the trailer which took the year 1999 and flipped the 9s around to show us that the devil isn’t one for subtlety. It’s kinda like the Castlevania series; if Dracula REALLY wanted to take the world by surprise, then maybe he should stop building flamboyant five tiered castles right next door to the only dude capable of vanquishing him.

Anyway, I bought the movie, simply for the fact that my governor was in it; that’s right, the good people of California, being of sound mind and body, actually elected Arnold “Kicked Predator’s Ass” Schwarzenegger into office! Much like his term in office, the resulting movie comes out like a baked potato: you think it’ll be awesome with all the prep time it took to get it to the table, but about halfway thru you realize you’re gonna get sick.

I beckon, plead, beg, request, implore, and any other thesaurus word that’ll convince you to watch the “making of” documentary first. The way this movie is described, it sounds like it’ll be the 2001: A Space Odyssey of horror classics. I mean, they had scholars and priests as supervisors on set to accurately capture the aura and total dismay that would come from the calamity of the fallen rising to revolt! The actual feature could be best summarized as this.

FIREBALLS!
LESBIAN SCENE!
MORE FIREBALLS!
SATAN MADE OUT OF FARTS!
ARNOLD PEES FIRE AND THEN DIES!

I kid you not. Well, I kid a little. But you’re left with your mouth wide open the whole time, laughing at disbelief that, if the world really WOULD have ended, THIS jumbled turd would have been the conclusion to the long and prestigious history of cinema. Alien scientists would uncover the reel, and unanimously decide that our culture offered no real significant insight if that was what we called entertainment.

When watching the film, I want you to keep these ideas in the back of your head:

*Arnold was stricken by the emotional complexity of the main character he played. In reality, this Botox-faced-man-on-the-edge attempts to kill himself in the beginning of the movie, but has a strong enough constitution to fight off temptation and then decides to bare knuckle brawl Satan for no real motive.

* Satan has the ability to quote bible verses for his means, and had the charisma to charm the rattle off a cobra. I mean, he had to be able to offer concrete logic since he had half of New York as his devoted minions! The Devil’s speech to influence the conscience that he’s perfected over thousands of years: “Hey, God sucks! I mean, seriously, come join me! I’ll make you a hologram of your dead wife, that’s kinda awesome, right? I know it’s not the real thing, geez, you think I’m god or something? …Crap.

* The producer stated that Arnold is usually in movies with crazy special effects and explosions everywhere, so for this film, they wanted to create an environment that seemed more real, like it could happen in the real world. The result: a movie comprised of eighty-seven percent computer effects and about twenty seven explosions, just like the Real New York.

* A comedian joked that in every Arnold movie, the governator does three distinct things:
He yells “Everybody get to the chopper!”
He yells “Everybody down!”
He yells “EAURAGHUGHUGHUGH!!!”
Every. Single. Scenario happens, verbatim in this movie.

Now go. Go buy it. I truly, honestly believe this movie to be the single best satire of the film industry, and I’ll bet you every single member of the crew was secretly in on the conspiracy!

====================
Cappy’s Rockin’ Rendition
====================
Hopefully this will be the last Zelda drawing for awhile/forever.

Am I really spoiling the ending to a game that’s like fifteen years old? If you never played ‘Link’s Awakening’ by now, then you’re probably not going to ever play it…which is why your life will forevermore feel incomplete! Unless I ever take the time to do up a fanart drawing of the game, let us assume this is my tribute piece to the game, SO IT’S GAME REVIEW TIME, MOFOS!!

I am one of, oh, seven people in the entire world who consider the Zelda series to have mostly overhyped and shallow cookie cutter plotlines. Whenever someone claims “’Link To The Past’ was the best gaming experience of my life!” I always state “You never played ‘Chrono Trigger’ or ‘ Phantasy Star IV’. You don’t know what a gaming experience is or deep character development! After the third time, Zelda’s simply trying to get kidnapped at this point; why do they keep putting someone in charge who suffers from Stockholm Syndrome?!”

I then proceed to trample an old lady’s flower garden, because I’m a pessimistic jerk.

The one Zelda game that deserves every droplet of fan gushing (which oddly never seems to) is ‘Link’s Awakening’. Most game reviewers, after giving it a surprisingly low score for whatever reason, stated that this game is the best game in the whole Game Boy library. And I agree! …except with the low score, why do I even bother looking at Gamespot with their crap scoring system? Chad, I don’t want a game to be so challenging that it’s like an enema for my fingers, I’d rather have enjoyment factor over difficulty factor any day!

This is the only Zelda game in which I actually gave a hoot about any of the characters’ wellbeing… probably because Zelda and her dumb legend is nowhere to be found in the game.

Check it: Link tries to play Captain Ahab, and sails his retardedly makeshift raft into the eye of a Perfect Storm for no discernable reason. Perhaps Link wanted to challenge the face of God, and the face of God doth looketh back, and said “Can pieces of crap float, let’s find out!” and sunk Link’s battleship.
God’s angry wrath=1
Goat-eared youth with novelty shield=0

Link is indeed a floater, and ends up on an island with a giant Easter egg impaled on the side of a mountain. Link doesn’t take the hint to get away from surreal imagery that you’d only find in the Book Of Revelations. He ends up finding Zelda’s hotter long-lost twin sister, Marin, who’s actually:
*an accomplished gospel singer
*is a gamer girl
*likes getting down and dirty with the rest of the boys
*finds Link strangely attractive!
Nicely done, you smooth mute devil!

Link hangs out with Marin as she talks about her dreams and aspirations. Link nods his head compassionately as he tries to stare down her dress. The whole island ends up liking Link and not accusing him of being the incapable failure that he rightly is in previous games…but elfin Quixote here keeps trudging along trying to solve the Scooby Doo: Mystery Of Easter (Egg) Island plot. Even the monsters at some point turn to the oblivious adventurer and dialogue “Dude…that Marin girl totally wants to play Zelda: Link To Your Pants.”

But no, despite being told that everyone on the island will be cluster bombed into nonexistence by entering the Cadbury Egg Of Doom, Link trudges in, wakes up the GOD FISH sleeping inside by using THE VERY LOVE SONG MARIN TAUGHT TO HIM, and Link lost the only “girl of his dreams” who’s ever shown the slightest interest in him.
IS THIS YOUR HERO OF TIME, HUH?!

“Sorry hot, competent version of Zelda willing to make out with me, I like my girls to be able to transform into dudes!” (yes, a Sheik joke so that you know I’ve adequately researched my dislike of other Zelda storylines)” Link may be afraid of relationships, but he’s committed to 100% game completion.

Such a powerful eight-bit tragedy. I kinda suspect that Majora’s Mask may have a profound storyline…somewhere in there…but that game is absolutely confusing to navigate. I actually wouldn’t mind Navi popping up to give me SOME direction. So by default, Link’s Awakening is an amazing little square of a game.

As a bonus: beat the game WITHOUT dying once (if you die, do not continue from the game over screen. Those numbers next to your save file count the death toll). There’s a secret little surprise after the ending that’ll make you go AWW and make the overall story less of a downer.
-The “Feels Like A Bad Person For Illustrating Marin In The Third Panel Like That” Cappy

For the copycats: Micron pigma pen 03 (linework), prismacolor markers, colored pencils, uniball 207 color pens.
References: artistic license on Marin’s design found in the game manual, an unholy union of 64-bit Link and 8-bit Link for his design.

Description
====================
Cappy’s Random Rant
====================
You like my rants? OH, I'LL GIVE YOU A RANT.

Since one of the Zelda pictures had me gushing about ‘The Orphanage’ in a random review, I think it’s only fair to follow-up with an anti-good movie review!!

The year, was 1999. It was a time of turmoil and uncertainty; would all the computers divide by zero and implode on themselves? If that were to happen, people couldn’t watch American Idol, and so everyone assumed that would be the end of the world. Seeing as it’s 200-effing-8, we can deduce the crisis was averted. And American Idol is still on…ARE YOU PEOPLE HAPPY?! But there was a movie that dared—DARED—to ask the question: what if 1999 was gonna be the end of days, and the only man to stop the apocalypse was the governor of California?

About a month ago, I saw ‘End Of Days’ in the Circuit City bargain bin of shame and washed-up careers. The only thing I remember about it was the trailer which took the year 1999 and flipped the 9s around to show us that the devil isn’t one for subtlety. It’s kinda like the Castlevania series; if Dracula REALLY wanted to take the world by surprise, then maybe he should stop building flamboyant five tiered castles right next door to the only dude capable of vanquishing him.

Anyway, I bought the movie, simply for the fact that my governor was in it; that’s right, the good people of California, being of sound mind and body, actually elected Arnold “Kicked Predator’s Ass” Schwarzenegger into office! Much like his term in office, the resulting movie comes out like a baked potato: you think it’ll be awesome with all the prep time it took to get it to the table, but about halfway thru you realize you’re gonna get sick.

I beckon, plead, beg, request, implore, and any other thesaurus word that’ll convince you to watch the “making of” documentary first. The way this movie is described, it sounds like it’ll be the 2001: A Space Odyssey of horror classics. I mean, they had scholars and priests as supervisors on set to accurately capture the aura and total dismay that would come from the calamity of the fallen rising to revolt! The actual feature could be best summarized as this.

FIREBALLS!
LESBIAN SCENE!
MORE FIREBALLS!
SATAN MADE OUT OF FARTS!
ARNOLD PEES FIRE AND THEN DIES!

I kid you not. Well, I kid a little. But you’re left with your mouth wide open the whole time, laughing at disbelief that, if the world really WOULD have ended, THIS jumbled turd would have been the conclusion to the long and prestigious history of cinema. Alien scientists would uncover the reel, and unanimously decide that our culture offered no real significant insight if that was what we called entertainment.

When watching the film, I want you to keep these ideas in the back of your head:

*Arnold was stricken by the emotional complexity of the main character he played. In reality, this Botox-faced-man-on-the-edge attempts to kill himself in the beginning of the movie, but has a strong enough constitution to fight off temptation and then decides to bare knuckle brawl Satan for no real motive.

* Satan has the ability to quote bible verses for his means, and had the charisma to charm the rattle off a cobra. I mean, he had to be able to offer concrete logic since he had half of New York as his devoted minions! The Devil’s speech to influence the conscience that he’s perfected over thousands of years: “Hey, God sucks! I mean, seriously, come join me! I’ll make you a hologram of your dead wife, that’s kinda awesome, right? I know it’s not the real thing, geez, you think I’m god or something? …Crap.

* The producer stated that Arnold is usually in movies with crazy special effects and explosions everywhere, so for this film, they wanted to create an environment that seemed more real, like it could happen in the real world. The result: a movie comprised of eighty-seven percent computer effects and about twenty seven explosions, just like the Real New York.

* A comedian joked that in every Arnold movie, the governator does three distinct things:
He yells “Everybody get to the chopper!”
He yells “Everybody down!”
He yells “EAURAGHUGHUGHUGH!!!”
Every. Single. Scenario happens, verbatim in this movie.

Now go. Go buy it. I truly, honestly believe this movie to be the single best satire of the film industry, and I’ll bet you every single member of the crew was secretly in on the conspiracy!

====================
Cappy’s Rockin’ Rendition
====================
Hopefully this will be the last Zelda drawing for awhile/forever.

Am I really spoiling the ending to a game that’s like fifteen years old? If you never played ‘Link’s Awakening’ by now, then you’re probably not going to ever play it…which is why your life will forevermore feel incomplete! Unless I ever take the time to do up a fanart drawing of the game, let us assume this is my tribute piece to the game, SO IT’S GAME REVIEW TIME, MOFOS!!

I am one of, oh, seven people in the entire world who consider the Zelda series to have mostly overhyped and shallow cookie cutter plotlines. Whenever someone claims “’Link To The Past’ was the best gaming experience of my life!” I always state “You never played ‘Chrono Trigger’ or ‘ Phantasy Star IV’. You don’t know what a gaming experience is or deep character development! After the third time, Zelda’s simply trying to get kidnapped at this point; why do they keep putting someone in charge who suffers from Stockholm Syndrome?!”

I then proceed to trample an old lady’s flower garden, because I’m a pessimistic jerk.

The one Zelda game that deserves every droplet of fan gushing (which oddly never seems to) is ‘Link’s Awakening’. Most game reviewers, after giving it a surprisingly low score for whatever reason, stated that this game is the best game in the whole Game Boy library. And I agree! …except with the low score, why do I even bother looking at Gamespot with their crap scoring system? Chad, I don’t want a game to be so challenging that it’s like an enema for my fingers, I’d rather have enjoyment factor over difficulty factor any day!

This is the only Zelda game in which I actually gave a hoot about any of the characters’ wellbeing… probably because Zelda and her dumb legend is nowhere to be found in the game.

Check it: Link tries to play Captain Ahab, and sails his retardedly makeshift raft into the eye of a Perfect Storm for no discernable reason. Perhaps Link wanted to challenge the face of God, and the face of God doth looketh back, and said “Can pieces of crap float, let’s find out!” and sunk Link’s battleship.
God’s angry wrath=1
Goat-eared youth with novelty shield=0

Link is indeed a floater, and ends up on an island with a giant Easter egg impaled on the side of a mountain. Link doesn’t take the hint to get away from surreal imagery that you’d only find in the Book Of Revelations. He ends up finding Zelda’s hotter long-lost twin sister, Marin, who’s actually:
*an accomplished gospel singer
*is a gamer girl
*likes getting down and dirty with the rest of the boys
*finds Link strangely attractive!
Nicely done, you smooth mute devil!

Link hangs out with Marin as she talks about her dreams and aspirations. Link nods his head compassionately as he tries to stare down her dress. The whole island ends up liking Link and not accusing him of being the incapable failure that he rightly is in previous games…but elfin Quixote here keeps trudging along trying to solve the Scooby Doo: Mystery Of Easter (Egg) Island plot. Even the monsters at some point turn to the oblivious adventurer and dialogue “Dude…that Marin girl totally wants to play Zelda: Link To Your Pants.”

But no, despite being told that everyone on the island will be cluster bombed into nonexistence by entering the Cadbury Egg Of Doom, Link trudges in, wakes up the GOD FISH sleeping inside by using THE VERY LOVE SONG MARIN TAUGHT TO HIM, and Link lost the only “girl of his dreams” who’s ever shown the slightest interest in him.
IS THIS YOUR HERO OF TIME, HUH?!

“Sorry hot, competent version of Zelda willing to make out with me, I like my girls to be able to transform into dudes!” (yes, a Sheik joke so that you know I’ve adequately researched my dislike of other Zelda storylines)” Link may be afraid of relationships, but he’s committed to 100% game completion.

Such a powerful eight-bit tragedy. I kinda suspect that Majora’s Mask may have a profound storyline…somewhere in there…but that game is absolutely confusing to navigate. I actually wouldn’t mind Navi popping up to give me SOME direction. So by default, Link’s Awakening is an amazing little square of a game.

As a bonus: beat the game WITHOUT dying once (if you die, do not continue from the game over screen. Those numbers next to your save file count the death toll). There’s a secret little surprise after the ending that’ll make you go AWW and make the overall story less of a downer.
-The “Feels Like A Bad Person For Illustrating Marin In The Third Panel Like That” Cappy

For the copycats: Micron pigma pen 03 (linework), prismacolor markers, colored pencils, uniball 207 color pens.
References: artistic license on Marin’s design found in the game manual, an unholy union of 64-bit Link and 8-bit Link for his design.