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Description
The tape was pushed into the VCR, and the CRT TV sprung to life.

‘How to Be a Magician’ sprawled across the screen in a muted purple, disgusting font across a pink background. The screen shifted to a similar pink screen with the words now reading, ‘Starring: Elymas the Eccentric’ with a picture of a tan-skinned man in a gaudy magician’s suit and top hat. The screen then shifted again to a similar screen, except this time it read, ‘and Featuring: The Wonderful Penny as his lovely assistant’, with a picture featuring a young woman in wearing a blue midriff that bunched at the sleeves. Her hair parted in a bob and a confident smile on her face. The screen shifted once again as the words (now in an equally unappealing blue against the pink background) read, ‘Magic: A Primer’.

The magician from earlier returned to the screen, still dressed in the same uniform as before, appearing in some sort of sound studio with a horrible green screen effect behind him. He began a stilted speech as his eyes shifted from left to right, clearly reading off of cue cards. “Hello, and welcome to the How to Be a Magician instructional VHS tape. This tape is meant for instructional use only, and not meant to be viewed for pleasure or personal use. Firstly, what is magic? Magic is an unknown force that is able to control the very universe around us. while there are many theories as to the origins of magic and the science behind it, we shall not go over these in this VHS tape. Now that you have a vague understanding on the definition of magic, we can begin the process of training you to be a magi-.”

The screen cut Elymas off as the pink background reappeared featuring a word art title reading ‘Choosing an assistant’ appeared. The screen than cut back to Elymas, still in front of the same terrible green screen. “Now, choosing a magician assistant can make the difference between a good show and a great show. This choice is typically based upon a person’s affinity for magic, which we shall quickly classify. It is important to be aware of the a person’s magic affinity in order to prevent them from suffering from magic overdose. The lowest level of affinity are known as ‘Magically Deficient’. These make up the majority of people, and are the hardest to perform magic upon, as their bodies tend to actively reject magic being done upon them, often producing discomfort or a desire to return to normal. The middle level are known as ‘Magically Absorbent’. These people are prime assistant material, as their bodies allow a lot of magic to be done to them, with little to no discomfort, and takes a lot more magic to reach a magic overdose. A drawback is that the assistants themselves are unable to perform any magic of their own, however there have been some cases of Magically Absorbent individuals being able to perform minor feats of magic after absorbing high levels of magic. Finally, the highest level of magic affinity is the ‘Magically Gifted’. These individuals are able to not only absorb magic, but also perform magic, and there has yet to be recorded case of a Magically Gifted individual suffering from a magic overdose. They often will take magician roles, however there are several who choose to remain as assistants in this world. For the purpose of this lesson, we shall be using the Magically Gifted Penny as our assistant.” With those words, the same woman from earlier walked out, now wearing a light blue shirt and lavender pants. “Now we’ll move onto -“

The screen shifted to another light pink background, with the words: ‘Your first gig’ written in rainbow word art. When the screen shifted back to Elymas, he was alone once again, but this time quite clearly on a stage. “Now, getting your first job is as simple as requesting the chance to open another magician’s show with the Magician High Council. It is required that you open a minimum of three shows before you may apply with the Council for a professional magician’s license. For these first shows you will be required to do a single trick, which has some specific requirements. The trick must be done on an individual other than yourself who is aware of the magic to be performed. This individual must be ranked at least Magically Absorbent and approved by the Magician High Council. If such a person cannot be found, then the Magician High Council shall assign a certified assistant for you. To pass the test, a simple majority of the crowd must believe that a) the individual was not aware of the trick b) the act of magic witnessed was real and c) enjoyed viewing the magic trick performed. In the next VHS, we will go over better strategies for hiding a plant in the audience. For now, we will move on to-“

The screen shifted to a green background this time, with the words ‘Magic Tricks’ written in comic sans in the center. The screen shifted back to Elymas, with Penny standing right next to him and an assortment of boxes and blades stacked behind him. “While the council will be very open-minded to allow you to perform any trick you wish to perform, there are some specifics the trick must have.”
The camera shifted to Penny as she stepped forward to read off the offscreen cue cards. “Your trick must involve the detachment and reattachment of assistant body parts, not cause any lasting harm to the assistant, be rehearsed a minimum of two times in front of a regulatory inspector, be performed only with really magic and not illusions, and most importantly: be entertaining.”
The camera refocused on Elymas, “Thank you Penny. Now, we will go through a few, pre approved magic tricks chosen by the council for performance by aspiring magicians. But first,” he said, winking towards the audience, his monotone professionalism disappearing for the moment, as his voice took on a more entertaining quality, “we need to get Penny here into costume.”
Penny stepped into the center of the stage, as Elymas pulled out a large, silver hula-hoop. Once Penny was standing in the center, Elymas lifted the silver hoop, a black curtain suddenly materializing below the rim. The instant the hoop reached Penny’s height, the magician quickly dropped the ring, revealing Penny wearing only a pink bra and pink underwear. Looking down quickly, her freckled cheeks almost became the same hue of pink. “HEY!” She shouted, scrambling for the ring on the ground. She quickly lifted up the ring, a pink curtain appearing this time as she lifted the ring up to cover her indecency. This time when the ring dropped down, Penny was wearing a more traditional black leotard and stocking, with a blue bow tie around her neck. “That wasn’t part of the deal Eli.” Penny whispered into Elymas’s ear as she composed herself.

The screen cut to the simple pink background once again, with the words ‘The guillotine’ written in green. Back to the stage, the large classic guillotine had been wheeled into the center of the stage. “The guillotine is a classic and a favorite among many when it comes to detachment magic. It’s also among the simplest to perform.” Elymas said, his demeanor a mix between an entertainer and a professional stooge. “First, have your assistant place their head in the guillotine in a classic stance.” Penny proceeded to stick her head through the stock at the bottom of the guillotine. Her body crouched on all fours to try and create as stable a stance as possible. “Next, ensure that you’ve imbued the blade with magic.” Elymas said, placing his hand against the side of the guillotine, before removing it once again. “Finally, pull the rope.” Elymas dropped the rope that held up the blade. The blade rushed down, before chopping through Penny’s neck, causing her head to drop into a cushioned basket with a thud. Similarly, her body collapsed to the ground, no longer in the crouching stance and now sprawled across the floor.
“You’ll want to practice with your assistant so that they can give a convincing performance of them fake dying, but you’ll probably want to ensure the audience that nothing has gone wrong.” Elymas bended down, picking up Penny’s head, clearly still alive and smiling a cheshire smile. “At this point, you’ll have your assistant say something as their body stands up,” Elymas’s words causing the actions to occur, as Penny’s body stands up from its place on the ground, “In which case, you’ll hand there head back, they’ll reattach it, and you’ll both take a bow.” Penny reattached her head (with a noticeable sigh emanating from her lips), as she stood in line with Elymas and took a bow.

The pink screen returned, with the words ‘Miss-made’ sparkled across the screen in white with the sparkle effect taking up a majority of the screen. Back on the stage, a rectangular cabinet with the shape of a woman roughly outlined stood in the center of the stage. “The next level of complexity would most likely be the Miss-made, as this involves four cuts, as opposed to one. First, you’ll have the assistant enter the box. Penny walked back into frame, entering into the box and turning around facing the camera. “Next, close the boxes and insert the blades.” Elymas did as he said he would, placing a blade roughly at the knees, waist, and neck. “You’ll then want to remove the boxes, and place them in a different order.” Elymas unstacked the boxes, and then stacked them up as thighs, head, feet, then chest. “Finally, open the boxes to the cheers of the crowd.” He said, opening all the boxes in a single flourish. Penny beamed brightly as she wiggled all her parts in the various boxes to try and prove that they were real. “And then, after a certain amount of time, you’ll close the boxes again and put them back in the proper order.”
Elymas closed the doors and unstacked the boxes, but before he could continue stacking them, a telephone rang from somewhere offset. “Oh shoot. That’s for me. Sorry, I’ll be right back,” he said, a nervous look suddenly appearing on his face. As the camera remained focused on the stage, a knocking came from the boxes.
“Eli? ELI?” Penny shouted.

The pink screen returned once again, the words reading “Disembodied Princess” written in orange this time and stretched from the top to the bottom of the screen. “Welcome back,” Elymas said, wearing a suit that looked the same but was noticeably different from the previous suit. “And now, our final trick for this VHS: the Disembodied Princess.” In the center of the stage stood a cross shaped box. “First, have your lovely assistant step in.” Penny, this time with a very stern look upon her face, entered into the box, stretching her arms to fit into the crossbar of the box. “Then, close the doors, and cut at the intersections.” Elymas does so, sliding the blade through the cross bar, head of the box, and around her waist. “Open the box, and ta-da!” He said, stepping back as the box opened, revealing the center piece missing, but Penny’s head and limbs remaining where the were, not moving and her face still holding a stern look.
“Now, you could simply close the box and return your assistant to normal, but that’s no fun!” Elymas said, grabbing Penny’s legs out from the box and quickly replacing them with her arms.
“Eli! Stop that!” But Penny’s protests fell on deaf ears as he quickly closed the box and reopened the boxes, with Penny stumbling out. Her arms and legs had clearly switched places, and it looked like Penny was struggling trying to just remain upright. “Eli! Change me back! Now!”
“Don’t forget to bow with your lovely assistant.” Elymas said, smiling mischievously as he turned his back to the struggling Penny, taking a bow.
“ELI!” Penny said, somehow leaping off the ground and tackling Elymas into the camera.

The screen switched to a black and white picture of a cartoon wizard smacking a TV camera with the words ‘Please stand by, technical difficulties’ written on it. When the feed returned, Penny stood in front of the camera, a large swinging blade swinging in the background. “So remember, while assistants help in your show, they’re still people, and doesn’t mean it’s okay to perform tricks on them without their consent or leave them in the studio helpless for a week.”
“I SAID I WAS SORRY!” the shout of Elymas rang from the swinging blade behind Penny.
“Anyway, we hope you enjoyed this educational tape. If you have further questions, please remember to take it up with the Magician High Council. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some unfinished business to take care of,” Penny said, an evil grin smirking across her face. “Also, be kind, rewind.”

Description
The tape was pushed into the VCR, and the CRT TV sprung to life.

‘How to Be a Magician’ sprawled across the screen in a muted purple, disgusting font across a pink background. The screen shifted to a similar pink screen with the words now reading, ‘Starring: Elymas the Eccentric’ with a picture of a tan-skinned man in a gaudy magician’s suit and top hat. The screen then shifted again to a similar screen, except this time it read, ‘and Featuring: The Wonderful Penny as his lovely assistant’, with a picture featuring a young woman in wearing a blue midriff that bunched at the sleeves. Her hair parted in a bob and a confident smile on her face. The screen shifted once again as the words (now in an equally unappealing blue against the pink background) read, ‘Magic: A Primer’.

The magician from earlier returned to the screen, still dressed in the same uniform as before, appearing in some sort of sound studio with a horrible green screen effect behind him. He began a stilted speech as his eyes shifted from left to right, clearly reading off of cue cards. “Hello, and welcome to the How to Be a Magician instructional VHS tape. This tape is meant for instructional use only, and not meant to be viewed for pleasure or personal use. Firstly, what is magic? Magic is an unknown force that is able to control the very universe around us. while there are many theories as to the origins of magic and the science behind it, we shall not go over these in this VHS tape. Now that you have a vague understanding on the definition of magic, we can begin the process of training you to be a magi-.”

The screen cut Elymas off as the pink background reappeared featuring a word art title reading ‘Choosing an assistant’ appeared. The screen than cut back to Elymas, still in front of the same terrible green screen. “Now, choosing a magician assistant can make the difference between a good show and a great show. This choice is typically based upon a person’s affinity for magic, which we shall quickly classify. It is important to be aware of the a person’s magic affinity in order to prevent them from suffering from magic overdose. The lowest level of affinity are known as ‘Magically Deficient’. These make up the majority of people, and are the hardest to perform magic upon, as their bodies tend to actively reject magic being done upon them, often producing discomfort or a desire to return to normal. The middle level are known as ‘Magically Absorbent’. These people are prime assistant material, as their bodies allow a lot of magic to be done to them, with little to no discomfort, and takes a lot more magic to reach a magic overdose. A drawback is that the assistants themselves are unable to perform any magic of their own, however there have been some cases of Magically Absorbent individuals being able to perform minor feats of magic after absorbing high levels of magic. Finally, the highest level of magic affinity is the ‘Magically Gifted’. These individuals are able to not only absorb magic, but also perform magic, and there has yet to be recorded case of a Magically Gifted individual suffering from a magic overdose. They often will take magician roles, however there are several who choose to remain as assistants in this world. For the purpose of this lesson, we shall be using the Magically Gifted Penny as our assistant.” With those words, the same woman from earlier walked out, now wearing a light blue shirt and lavender pants. “Now we’ll move onto -“

The screen shifted to another light pink background, with the words: ‘Your first gig’ written in rainbow word art. When the screen shifted back to Elymas, he was alone once again, but this time quite clearly on a stage. “Now, getting your first job is as simple as requesting the chance to open another magician’s show with the Magician High Council. It is required that you open a minimum of three shows before you may apply with the Council for a professional magician’s license. For these first shows you will be required to do a single trick, which has some specific requirements. The trick must be done on an individual other than yourself who is aware of the magic to be performed. This individual must be ranked at least Magically Absorbent and approved by the Magician High Council. If such a person cannot be found, then the Magician High Council shall assign a certified assistant for you. To pass the test, a simple majority of the crowd must believe that a) the individual was not aware of the trick b) the act of magic witnessed was real and c) enjoyed viewing the magic trick performed. In the next VHS, we will go over better strategies for hiding a plant in the audience. For now, we will move on to-“

The screen shifted to a green background this time, with the words ‘Magic Tricks’ written in comic sans in the center. The screen shifted back to Elymas, with Penny standing right next to him and an assortment of boxes and blades stacked behind him. “While the council will be very open-minded to allow you to perform any trick you wish to perform, there are some specifics the trick must have.”
The camera shifted to Penny as she stepped forward to read off the offscreen cue cards. “Your trick must involve the detachment and reattachment of assistant body parts, not cause any lasting harm to the assistant, be rehearsed a minimum of two times in front of a regulatory inspector, be performed only with really magic and not illusions, and most importantly: be entertaining.”
The camera refocused on Elymas, “Thank you Penny. Now, we will go through a few, pre approved magic tricks chosen by the council for performance by aspiring magicians. But first,” he said, winking towards the audience, his monotone professionalism disappearing for the moment, as his voice took on a more entertaining quality, “we need to get Penny here into costume.”
Penny stepped into the center of the stage, as Elymas pulled out a large, silver hula-hoop. Once Penny was standing in the center, Elymas lifted the silver hoop, a black curtain suddenly materializing below the rim. The instant the hoop reached Penny’s height, the magician quickly dropped the ring, revealing Penny wearing only a pink bra and pink underwear. Looking down quickly, her freckled cheeks almost became the same hue of pink. “HEY!” She shouted, scrambling for the ring on the ground. She quickly lifted up the ring, a pink curtain appearing this time as she lifted the ring up to cover her indecency. This time when the ring dropped down, Penny was wearing a more traditional black leotard and stocking, with a blue bow tie around her neck. “That wasn’t part of the deal Eli.” Penny whispered into Elymas’s ear as she composed herself.

The screen cut to the simple pink background once again, with the words ‘The guillotine’ written in green. Back to the stage, the large classic guillotine had been wheeled into the center of the stage. “The guillotine is a classic and a favorite among many when it comes to detachment magic. It’s also among the simplest to perform.” Elymas said, his demeanor a mix between an entertainer and a professional stooge. “First, have your assistant place their head in the guillotine in a classic stance.” Penny proceeded to stick her head through the stock at the bottom of the guillotine. Her body crouched on all fours to try and create as stable a stance as possible. “Next, ensure that you’ve imbued the blade with magic.” Elymas said, placing his hand against the side of the guillotine, before removing it once again. “Finally, pull the rope.” Elymas dropped the rope that held up the blade. The blade rushed down, before chopping through Penny’s neck, causing her head to drop into a cushioned basket with a thud. Similarly, her body collapsed to the ground, no longer in the crouching stance and now sprawled across the floor.
“You’ll want to practice with your assistant so that they can give a convincing performance of them fake dying, but you’ll probably want to ensure the audience that nothing has gone wrong.” Elymas bended down, picking up Penny’s head, clearly still alive and smiling a cheshire smile. “At this point, you’ll have your assistant say something as their body stands up,” Elymas’s words causing the actions to occur, as Penny’s body stands up from its place on the ground, “In which case, you’ll hand there head back, they’ll reattach it, and you’ll both take a bow.” Penny reattached her head (with a noticeable sigh emanating from her lips), as she stood in line with Elymas and took a bow.

The pink screen returned, with the words ‘Miss-made’ sparkled across the screen in white with the sparkle effect taking up a majority of the screen. Back on the stage, a rectangular cabinet with the shape of a woman roughly outlined stood in the center of the stage. “The next level of complexity would most likely be the Miss-made, as this involves four cuts, as opposed to one. First, you’ll have the assistant enter the box. Penny walked back into frame, entering into the box and turning around facing the camera. “Next, close the boxes and insert the blades.” Elymas did as he said he would, placing a blade roughly at the knees, waist, and neck. “You’ll then want to remove the boxes, and place them in a different order.” Elymas unstacked the boxes, and then stacked them up as thighs, head, feet, then chest. “Finally, open the boxes to the cheers of the crowd.” He said, opening all the boxes in a single flourish. Penny beamed brightly as she wiggled all her parts in the various boxes to try and prove that they were real. “And then, after a certain amount of time, you’ll close the boxes again and put them back in the proper order.”
Elymas closed the doors and unstacked the boxes, but before he could continue stacking them, a telephone rang from somewhere offset. “Oh shoot. That’s for me. Sorry, I’ll be right back,” he said, a nervous look suddenly appearing on his face. As the camera remained focused on the stage, a knocking came from the boxes.
“Eli? ELI?” Penny shouted.

The pink screen returned once again, the words reading “Disembodied Princess” written in orange this time and stretched from the top to the bottom of the screen. “Welcome back,” Elymas said, wearing a suit that looked the same but was noticeably different from the previous suit. “And now, our final trick for this VHS: the Disembodied Princess.” In the center of the stage stood a cross shaped box. “First, have your lovely assistant step in.” Penny, this time with a very stern look upon her face, entered into the box, stretching her arms to fit into the crossbar of the box. “Then, close the doors, and cut at the intersections.” Elymas does so, sliding the blade through the cross bar, head of the box, and around her waist. “Open the box, and ta-da!” He said, stepping back as the box opened, revealing the center piece missing, but Penny’s head and limbs remaining where the were, not moving and her face still holding a stern look.
“Now, you could simply close the box and return your assistant to normal, but that’s no fun!” Elymas said, grabbing Penny’s legs out from the box and quickly replacing them with her arms.
“Eli! Stop that!” But Penny’s protests fell on deaf ears as he quickly closed the box and reopened the boxes, with Penny stumbling out. Her arms and legs had clearly switched places, and it looked like Penny was struggling trying to just remain upright. “Eli! Change me back! Now!”
“Don’t forget to bow with your lovely assistant.” Elymas said, smiling mischievously as he turned his back to the struggling Penny, taking a bow.
“ELI!” Penny said, somehow leaping off the ground and tackling Elymas into the camera.

The screen switched to a black and white picture of a cartoon wizard smacking a TV camera with the words ‘Please stand by, technical difficulties’ written on it. When the feed returned, Penny stood in front of the camera, a large swinging blade swinging in the background. “So remember, while assistants help in your show, they’re still people, and doesn’t mean it’s okay to perform tricks on them without their consent or leave them in the studio helpless for a week.”
“I SAID I WAS SORRY!” the shout of Elymas rang from the swinging blade behind Penny.
“Anyway, we hope you enjoyed this educational tape. If you have further questions, please remember to take it up with the Magician High Council. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some unfinished business to take care of,” Penny said, an evil grin smirking across her face. “Also, be kind, rewind.”